Draco Black The Ravenclaw
by NoexcusesNoapologiesNoregrets
Summary: Thirteen years ago Draco's parents were murdered by Voldemort. He has been raised in secret by Regulus Black. Regulus has kept Draco safe and away from the wizarding world, but now Draco is fourteen and he's determined to join his friends, Cho Chang, Terry Boot and the Diggory brothers at Hogwarts. Can a Ravenclaw Draco and a Slytherin Harry Potter save the Wizarding world?
1. Truth crystals hurt

**Draco Black The Ravenclaw**

 ** _Hellloooo my wonderful humany types, welcome to my new story. Honestly the idea for this story came to me whilst I was trying to get to sleep and the more I thought about it the more I wanted to write it. The basis of this story is 'what if Draco were the boy who lived?' But then I was like-'no one wants to read about that'. Fortunately a little voice inside my head said 'I want to read about it'._**

 ** _So now we have this._**

 ** _I'm basically writing this to amuse myself (and placate the voice inside my head that likes to poke me when I displease it). You all know what I mean. And if you don't then...well there is just something terribly wrong with you. I'm sorry you had to find out this way._**

 ** _Right, some warnings:_**

 ** _-Slash and het and femslash. (Gay and Straight). I can't say exactly who the couples will be yet, and I retain my right to change my mind at any point._**

 ** _-Violence (There could be. For a true action scene to work it needs to come with a warning attached. Truth.)_**

 ** _-Swearing. For real._**

 ** _-A bit of OOC behaviour due to circumstances. Draco most obviously will be affected the most. But Harry will be a bit different too. And some other characters, but nothing outrageously beyond the pale! Not going beyond the pale is very important! Write that down on your important pad for things that are important!_**

 ** _-For the sake of argument, lets say this story starts from 2016 onwards instead of when the originals were set. Because my culture references must be free to glomp around and ruin things whenever possible._**

 ** _-Um...other...stuff...probably...I'll let you know. Promise._**

 ** _Just to cover all my bases-I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER OR ANYTHING CREATED BY JK ROWLING. But in an alternative universe I do, so that's something. I think that alternative universe is right next to the one where I'm the King of the mouse people and wear nothing but capes all the time._**

 ** _All I'm asking is that you give this story a shot to see if you'll like it. Now that's over with lets get on with the story my Unicorn brethren!_**

Chapter one: Truth crystals hurt

Before we start, I just want to let you all know what you're in for if you decide to continue on with this story. I don't want any complainy pants types getting their knickers in a twist because things don't turn out exactly like they want them to, or because the story, a.k.a my LIFE, doesn't please them.

I won't be offended if you don't like me. I won't be offended if you don't like my mates, or my family (actually I take that back, Nana Mars is epic and everyone should love her, because she is amazing and the only people who don't like her are without a soul and should vacate the premises immediately). I won't even be offended if you don't like my pet rock, Kevin. Nana Mars still insists that he is in fact a tortoise, and not a rock she painted to look like a tortoise when I was six because I kept asking for a dog. I may or may not have believed her lies for a good few many years. It was a known fact to me as a child that Nana Mars does not lie. I now know, as a semi sort not-child (moron), that lying about rock tortoises apparently doesn't count.

My name is Draco. I live in a small, and when I say small, I really mean practically vacant, seaside town named 'Colbie'. Also, yes, I know _'Draco_ ', it's a weird name. I have a weird name. I have weird friends. I have a weird family. I am weird. Just get on board and accept the madness. It'll be easier for you in the long run if you do.

I live with my…actually I don't really know what to call Regulus. I'd say 'father' since he pretty much raised me. But to be honest I think of him as more like my big brother. My annoying big brother.

Either way, we both live in a big creepy old manor-cottage (trust me, it's a thing) with Nana Mars. She's that insane old lady who everyone secretly hopes is a witch. The town hag if you will. Those are her words by the way, not mine. The old hag part I mean. I think she actually enjoys having everyone fear her a little bit too much. Every year on Halloween she dresses up like a normal person and tells everyone Halloween is a witch bank holiday.

Of course Nana Mars isn't a witch. She doesn't posses any genuine magical talent, although she would argue with me on that. Me and Regulus however….yeah, we're kind of wizards. I mean, not kind of, we _are_ wizards.

For real. With wands and cauldrons and owls and robes and all that shit.

It's actually as ridiculous as it sounds.

In a small beach town like Colbie, everyone knows everyone else, so when me and Regulus came to live with Nana Mars, we were all people could gossip about for months. See, my parents were killed by a very powerful dark wizard named Voldemort when I was one years old. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about that, even thirteen years later.

Voldemort tried to kill me too. Somehow, he failed. I'm not really sure how to feel about that information either.

Regulus was one who saved me. Not from Voldemort. But from everyone else. He knew people would come for me when they found out I'd offed Voldemort with my invisible baby powers. The whole wizarding world would have wanted a piece of me. Both Death Eaters and people like Albus Dumbledore would want to have a hand in my fate.

Voldemort killed my parents because they turned on him. My father, Lucius Malfoy, had become a spy for the other side in exchange for his freedom once the war was over and protection for his family.

Apparently Voldemort was tipped off by someone and my parents were forced to go into hiding. Regulus told me Dumbledore sent my parents to the same place as the Potter family. We all lived together for a few months before Voldemort found us.

I had both of my parents taken from me that night. Harry Potter's parents were taken from him as well. A man named Severus Snape died trying to save his mother, but by then it was too late. For all of them.

Regulus told me once that he did what he did to atone for all the mistakes he had made in his life. He'd just become one of Voldemort's Death Eaters at age nineteen. Voldemort took him to Godrics Hollow as a test.

After Voldemort failed to kill me, and somehow managed to destroy himself by accident in the process, Regulus found me. He said I was sitting inside a crib. I wasn't alone. Harry Potter was sitting right next to me, also miraculously unharmed. Except, according to Regulus, for the lightning bolt scar on his forehead. A matching scar still adorns my own forehead. Creepy as shit, I say.

Sometimes I think I dream about that night. I wonder if Harry Potter ever dreams about it too.

Regulus has told me that story a number of times over the years, but he can't ever quite explain to me why he did it. Even after all this time he still doesn't know what made him pick me up from that crib and run, taking me with him.

At first maybe he considered killing me. Finishing his Lord's plan.

In the end, Regulus told me, maybe he was just too much of a coward for that.

I told him once that I don't think there's anything cowardly about not wanting to kill a child. I was eight when we had that particular conversation.

At least I can say Regulus never lied to me about how things started for us. I think that matters, maybe more than most people could understand.

Regulus ran with me, and kept on running. It was only days later when he found himself in Colbie that he stopped. He didn't stop running because of Colbie though. He stopped running because of Nana Mars.

I'd like to say that I'm a well-adjusted _normal_ human being, despite everything, but that would be a lie. A big one. I was raised in a home full of dream catchers, all of which have names by the way. And not mystical names like...I don't know, Moonlove or Dustyangel...oh no...they're named shit like 'Walter' and 'Luke' and 'Cosmo' (my first dream catcher. I really liked the Fairly Odd parents, ok). No joke people, Nana Mars has her favourite dream catcher hanging over her bed. His name is Eugene. Don't ask. Never ask. Not unless you're prepared for a story full of wackadoodle.

You've been warned, remember that.

Nana Mars has always been there for me though. Regulus and I have a more complicated relationship for obvious reasons but-

"What are you staring at?" Kasper asks, he leans in close to me and squints, as if trying to see something off in the distance.

I give him a little shove and reply,

"I'm not staring at anything."

"Looks like you're trying to set the sea on fire with just the power of your eye balls," Kasper says, and he shoves me back a bit harder. Hard enough in fact that I fall over and land on my arse on the damp sand.

Kasper starts laughing then, his laughter loud and as all-consuming as usual. After knowing Kasper for about nine years, I can officially say that he is the most difficult person to stay mad at in existence. He laughs too much for anyone to really hate him.

It's almost infuriating

I wrap my arms around Kasper's legs and yank as hard as I can. Kasper is taken by surprise, so he loses his balance quite easily and comes down next to me on the sand. He ends up sprawled half on top of me though, and I think I make a weird squawking sound that no human should be able to accomplish.

"Ah, get off, Kas. Jesus, you're so fat, your fatness is _crushing_ me!" I try to wriggle out from under him. Kasper is laughing again, and he manages to pin me beneath him.

Kasper grins down at me and says,

"I think you'll find that's muscle, not fat, Dray. You're just too much of a skinny shit."

"Fuck off," I snap at him, and try again, uselessly, to remove him from my immediate personal bubble.

"Tell me what you were thinking just now and I'll get off," Kasper teases, that stupid grin on his stupid handsome face.

Kasper Diggory is my best friend, and has been since we met when we were five. I still remember meeting him, and my other two best friends, Terry Boot and Cho Chang.

They're all wizards and witches too. Against all odds.

Regulus almost had a heart attack when he realised our safe haven had been invaded by three magical families. Well, only two technically. Terry is actually a muggleborn, but still, the coincidence that they would all show up in such a small town is kind of hilarious. Or scary. Maybe both.

If it hadn't been for Nana Mars, then Regulus would have taken me and ran. Again.

But thankfully instead of leaving, Regulus gathered the Boots, the Diggory's, and the Chang's together and swore them to secrecy. With magic obviously, he didn't just go in for a pinkie swear.

They all moved here permanently after that.

Our town is small. We have one school, one church, one strip of shops and one park. The rest of Colbie is just cottages and beach.

I love Colbie beach, it's my favourite place in the world to be. Not that I've been that many places outside of Colbie. But I can't imagine ever feeling more at home anywhere else.

I push my hips up in an attempt to roll Kasper off of me, but he clamps down tight. Kasper's eyebrows quirk upwards and he says,

"Stop trying to sex me up, Dray, keep your rolly hips _down_ , thank you very much."

I narrow my eyes at him, a blush creeping up over my face without my permission.

"You're a prat," I tell Kasper.

But Kasper has already gone off somewhere inside his head where everything I say is irrelevant. He turns his head away from me and says in a mock distressed voice,

"I'm sorry, Dray, you're a really amazing mate, and you've got a great arse, but...I'm just not that into you."

Knobhead times one million.

"I hate you. And your face."

"Because they're separate entities now?"

"Shut up."

"Me, or my face?"

"Both. Both need a serious case of shut up disease."

"Just tell me what was making your eyes go all deep and serious. Like an angry pigeon."

Kasper presses down on my pinned wrists.

Then my brain tells me to do something that even I'm not sure what to make of: I start hissing at him. Evil kitty style.

Me: Why?

Brain: Felt like it.

Me: I feel betrayed.

Brain: Deal with it.

"Dray! Stop talking to yourself inside your head like a voice over track on a bad film," Kasper shakes his head at me, a knowing look on his face.

"I don't do that," I try to cross my arms, realise I can't, and then decide to cross them metaphorically instead.

"If it's metaphorical then it doesn't count," Kasper tells me. Damn him!

"You know me too well. It's creepy." I say, and yes, my tone is a little whiny. Sue me.

"Is that what you were doing before? Talking to an imaginary audience?" Kasper eyes me thoughtfully.

"No, I was monologuing my life story," I say with an overly exasperated huff.

"I didn't think you could have a life story at our age. We're still basically children. Sort of. Spiritually. Ish. I'm not sure what spiritually means, I heard Nana Mars say it." Kasper remarks, and he rolls off of my stomach to lay flat out next to me instead.

I sit up and pull my knees to my chest. I hate it when Kasper pins me down like that. Only because my teenage libido always decides to betray me and I get hard.

I kind of wish I could evolve into some kind of asexual being. I thought that would be nice to not have to worry about being sexually attracted to anyone. Like a plant. You don't see cactuses getting random boners now do you? No, you don't.

Not that there's anything wrong with being asexual. Cho always tells me off for being offensive about things like that, but I can't help it, there are just so many types of sexual and gender these days that I get confused. Who can keep up with things like that? Bisexual. Pansexual. Demisexual. Trans-gender. Bi-gender.

My head hurts just thinking about it all.

I'm nothing complicated or interesting. I like to say I'm gay, end of story. I said that to Cho once and she called me boring.

"You're doing it again," Kasper says, watching me, his grey eyes look almost illuminous in the evening light.

It'll be nothing but night sky and crashing waves soon.

Now, don't be having _those_ kind of thoughts you lot. Yes, Kasper is attractive, funny and he knows me better than I know myself sometimes. I do love him, but not like that. He's like a brother to me. I'm probably closest to him out of all our friends

Terry and I don't always get on. In fact within our group of friends/family members we probably fight the most. He just drives me insane, and I swear he does it on purpose. He likes to push me to the edge of my sanity and then throw me off. Cho is usually the one to try and keep the peace between us, and she mostly succeeds. At least until the next time Terry gets it in his head that he needs to make me want to strangle him with his own shoe laces.

When I was younger every time I would complain to Nana Mars about how much of a dickhead Terry is, she'd just get out one her blue 'forgiveness' crystals and twat me on the head with it. Then she'd go 'there, all better, now go give him a hug'. So, obviously, I would go and give him a hug, which surprised the shit out of him the first time I did it. He even apologised. Terry doesn't apologise. Ever. He's too stubborn most of the time.

Kasper has an older brother, Cedric, and they look almost identical. Both of them are tall, with messy dark hair, and almost offensively rugged good looks. Cedric and Kasper have the same bright grey eyes.

But it was the genuine kindness and fierce strength in Kasper's gaze that drew me in and whispered something to my soul. I know it sounds stupid, but it felt real to me. It still does.

Cedric on the other hand is a completely separate issue. Kasper's older brother is a lot like him, strong and kind and fearless. But Cedric is a lot less easy-going than Kasper. You'd think it would be the other way around really given where they were sorted at Hogwarts. Cedric is definitely the more determined and driven brother though.

Kasper complains about it sometimes. He says it's as if Cedric feels like he's got something to prove. Although, having met their father, I can definitely see why that would be the case. Mr Diggory is definitely the type of man who expects his sons to achieve highly in pretty much everything they do. I've heard him talk for hours, boasting about Cedric's accomplishments.

There are moments when Cedric looks so damn tired of it all. It's different for him than it is for Kasper, who is quite honest about not giving a flip what his father thinks. Cedric holds himself to the same impossible standard as his father holds him to.

I wish I could sympathise, or talk to him like I understand how he feels. But I don't really. Regulus has high standards for my magic, and he expects me to work hard when he's teaching me. Outside of that though, Regulus tells me all the time how proud he is of me, and even when I fail he never seems disappointed. He just tells me to keep trying until he helps me get it right.

Nana Mars once told me that all she expects from me is what I'm willing to give.

I jump about four foot in the fucking air when someone clamps their hands down onto my shoulders. I know who it is before I even turn around though, because I recognise the feel of his hands, big and warm. I reach around to smack Terry, but he's already moved out of the way, laughing like it's the funniest thing in the world.

I point at him accusingly,

"Dickhead, I almost shat myself!"

"I know," Terry gasps, a smirk on his lightly tanned face, "That's what you get for going off into your imaginary loopy Draco land."

I look to Kasper for support, but he's led next to me with his eyes closed, a small smile on his face. He looks at peace with the world. No one is more comfortable with themselves than Kasper. He's always been so confident and sure of himself, never faltering or wavering with any decision in his life. No regrets.

I see Cho come trudging up behind Terry, and she slaps his head hard enough to make a thwacking sound. Terry touches the place where she hit him and scowls,

"Abuse, Cho, you monster. I sincerely hope you don't go around hitting everyone like that."

Cho raises an eyebrow at him and replies,

"Nope, only my friends."

Terry nods,

"Well that's alright then."

I open my arms up wide for Cho and she smiles manically at me like the evil doer she secretly is, before falling down into my lap. I wrap her up in a hug and flip Terry the bird.

Terry just smirks back at me and drops down next to me on the damp sand. My jeans are pretty soaked through around the arse area by this point.

Cho clambers over me and pokes Kasper in the stomach. He grunts at her, but doesn't open his eyes.

"Have you three written your speeches for next Friday?" Cho asks, and we all groan in response.

"You _know_ we did, Cho," Terry grumbles.

"Yeah, because you stood over us with a water pistol and threatened us with it whenever we tried to leave," I tug at her dark hair.

Since my friends received their Hogwarts letters they've been trying to convince me to ask Regulus if I could attend Hogwarts with them. I've tried to broach the subject with him on a number of occasions, but he always shuts me down, mostly by mumbling things like 'too young' and 'not safe'.

But this year I'm determined to make him let me go.

My friends and I have come up with a plan of action. We're going to stage an intervention for Regulus about him letting me go to Hogwarts.

Ok, so it's not a great plan, but I swear it sounded solid when we came up with it at the beginning of the summer holidays.

We only have a few weeks left to convince him before my friends go back to school and I restart my homeschooling. I mean, technically I go to normal muggle school as well, but Regulus teaches me magic. Regulus gets our friends to buy us books and other supplies from Diagon Alley and then he teaches me at home.

I think I've read almost every book that exists in the Diagon Alley shops. Cho is always telling me that my magic is more advanced than most of the children who actually go to Hogwarts. I owe that to Regulus, despite his age when he abandoned the wizarding world, he is a very powerful and competent wizard.

It's because of him that we've managed to stay hidden for so many years. He's blocked both my magic and his magic off from the Minstry so they won't know when we use it. Apparently Regulus' advanced magic shields are what made Voldemort so interested in him in the first place.

Regulus has told me many times to be careful when I find the thing that I'm better at than anyone else. Because people will either want to kill you for it, or use you. He always says it like maybe being used is the worse option.

Then, I suppose he would know.

Cho fixes us all with a harsh stare,

"I did it for your own good. I know you twits wouldn't do it without some kind of encouragement. You'd wait until the day and then quickly write something down at the last minute. Or worse, you'd make it up on the spot." Cho shudders, literally _shudders_ , at even the thought of being that unprepared.

"Alright, _Hermione_ , calm down, we get your point." Kasper mumbles, and he sits up.

I hide a grin, and I see Terry do the same. 'Hermione' is apparently a girl who also attends Hogwarts. My friends talked about her a lot after their first year. Apparently she's some kind of know-it-all prodigy who got herself sorted into Gryffindor.

I found myself asking about Harry Potter quite against my will when my friends started telling me all about Hogwarts. My friends didn't really know much because they're in a different house than Harry. But they did tell me that Harry was sorted into Slytherin, that he became the Slytherin seeker during his first year, which was apparently a big deal, and that he almost constantly gets into fights with a Gryffindor boy named Ron Weasley.

Ever since I can remember Cho has been the smart one. Cho made it her mission in life to make sure her three idiot friends didn't fail completely at being wizards. We love her for it, but then again, we also want to gag her at times. It's the 6 am revision sessions on a Saturday that get me.

6 am. _6 am._ _6 AM!_ On a SATURDAY!

I genuinely almost killed her the first time she showed up at my house at 6am with a bag full of revision books and homework and practice questions. She recruited me to come out and drag Kasper away from his bed.

Terry and I ended up carrying him out the door with Kasper still clutching his pillow like it was a life line. We chucked him into the sea, via Cho's instructions. Up until that point in my life, I'd never seen someone sleep in the sea. He used his pillow as a makeshift float and refused to come back onto the beach for over an hour 'in protest'.

He failed to remember that Cho is by far the most stubborn person we all know. She waited him out like a vulture would wait out a dying buffalo. Silent and creepily patient.

Kasper and Cho have just about the weirdest relationship ever. They've been going out on and off since forever. I have no idea how they make it work, seeing as Kasper and Cho are literally each other's complete opposites.

Terry always says that maybe that's the point. I always tell him that he's an idiot right back. Like Terry would know anything about any type of relationship, he's never had one. I mean, we're still only fourteen, so that's not exactly a bad thing.

Terry likes to tease by calling me 'his precious snowflake'. I like to threaten him with bodily harm when he does so.

He finds that hilarious since the thought of me flooring him is pretty laughable. I'm definitely coming into my growth spurt. Slowly. I'm no longer a short skinny shit, although Kasper and Terry still like to pretend I am.

I could never keep up with Terry and Kasper though, who seem to be growing like trees. They also both like sports. And exercise.

And I like eating. And sleeping. I'd call them my favourite hobbies if I could.

When I told Kasper that once he said I might as well go all the way and add 'breathing' to the list. I told him that was stupid because it doesn't count as a hobby if you have to do it for survival.

That's like people who run to catch the bus to work every day and then tell everyone they like to go 'jogging'.

Lies. It's all lies folks.

Kasper had fun pointing out that obviously eating has nothing to do with survival according to me. I hate him sometimes.

"Are you lot on for the Qudditch World cup next weekend?" Kasper says, non-too subtly trying to change the subject.

Cho's big dark brown eyes spark with exasperation, but she lets it slide, for once. Now I'm suspicious, she rarely ever backs down. I shall have to investigate this momentous occurrence at some point tonight.

Kasper hits Terry on the shoulder in that manly 'bro' way they have that I'm never part of. To be fair, the last time one of them tried something like that I ended up with a broken toe.

You don't even want to know how that happened.

"Fuck, yes, I need to get out of this town. My mother is driving me insane." Terry groans.

I snort in amusement,

"Yeah, well, that's what you get for letting her catch you with a bottle of fire whiskey."

Terry glares at me,

"It was your bottle, Coco! And I did not 'let' her find it. She snooped."

I wave a hand,

"Yeah, yeah, excuses, excuses Boots."

When I started calling Terry 'Boots' when we were seven, he decided to come up with the most annoying nickname for me of all time. 'Coco' is what he calls me when we're arguing, which is most of the time.

If you have mates who give horrible nicknames and annoy you beyond all reason, then my advice is that you should kill them and eat them. That is the only logical solution.

At the beginning of the summer, Kasper revealed that he'd found a way for us to get hold of some alcohol. Wizard alcohol. Cho took some convincing, but we eventually managed to get her to hand over some money for a bottle of her own.

We went down to the beach with our bottles of fire whiskey and got, quite spectacularly, shit faced. It was the first time all of us had drunk anything stronger than some wine or champagne at special occasions.

Of course only half way through the night, Terry thought it would be the most amazing idea ever in the history of amazing ideas to gate crash a teenage muggle party. I recognised most of the people there from my muggle secondary school.

Terry also thought it would be a great idea to try and find me a boyfriend. Whilst completely plastered and half out of his mind. And, in case you were wondering, Terry isn't just a crazy drunk, he is also a crazy LOUD drunk.

No matter how mortifying you're thinking the situation was, let me just tell you, it was so. Much. Worse.

I don't think I've ever been more embarrassed in my entire life than when Terry went right up to a boy I didn't recognise from school who I suppose he assumed was gay and pretty much shouted _"My best mate," he jerks a thumb at me, "is an amazing person. He's like… a fucking...unicorn marshmallow biscuit hat," **why?** "But he's also a gay love virgin," I imagine slowly murdering him with my belt, "So, we need to find a place where he can meet a cock who wants to love him." I hide my face in Kasper's shoulder. Terry grins at the stranger and adds, "If you could point us in the right direction, then that would be most appreciated."_

I think Terry was the only one not surprised when the bloke he'd just been shouting at took out a card with an address on it for a gay club called 'Silvers'. The boy must have been about seventeen, with dyed blue hair and piercings on his face. He winked at me and my dick almost betrayed us both, despite me telling it to fucking behave for once.

I choked on my own tongue when the blue haired boy tried to talk to me. Then I ran away. I may have also tripped and face planted against a wall. I'll admit my memories of that night are a little fuzzy.

Obviously I've moved on from that point now, but I wouldn't say I'm smooth with the pick up lines. Anyone who says it's easier to get off with someone if you're gay is a big fat liar. It's either that or maybe I really am just terrible at flirting. That is a very real possibility. It's not like I've had loads of practice or anything.

I came out to Nana Mars when her favourite truth crystal told me I should.

There is literally no other way to describe it. I was twelve years old, and by that point in my life I was already well aware of what got me hard.

I don't get people who are confused about their sexuality. Cho likes to say that an individual's sexuality can't be defined, and that we all land somewhere on what she calls the 'sexuality spectrum'. Whatever the fuck that is.

As far as I'm concerned, if you're attracted to someone, then that's just the way it is. Male or female. It doesn't matter. What you feel or who you fuck is no one else' God damn business.

Whether you choose to label yourself or not, no one has the right to dictate to you who you should feel attracted to. Or love, for that matter.

I choose to label myself as gay because I've always been attracted to blokes, even when I was a child, and the thought of ever going near a vagina makes me feel a little bit ill. I told Cho that once and she threatened to show me hers just to see if I would scream or be sick. Knowing me it would probably end up being a combination of the two.

Yeah, I'm attempting to be mature ever since I turned fourteen, but there really is no adult button you can press. I'm still kind of making it up as I go. I said that to Regulus and he laughed for a full hour before saying 'me too, little cousin, me too'.

Nana Mars sat me down in the living room a.k.a the 'sharing room', and forced me to hold the truth crystal in the usual way she gets me to do anything; by staring at me until I did it. Sometimes she would make funny faces randomly and I'd snort out laughter, unable to help myself.

But not that day. I suppose there was nothing all that funny about it. Imagine me, a short, scruffy, white blond haired, twelve year old with overly massive pale grey-blue eyes and absolutely zero filter on my mouth. Like one of those toy troll thingies.

Yes, I used to play with toy trolls. And the occasional my little pony.

Because apparently my spirit animal is a Furbie.

Nana Mars thinks that spirit animals are a load of bullshit. Spirit dust bunnies on the other hand...

But anyway. I sat there holding the truth crystal. Nana Mars still staring at me. My hands were sweating like mad.

Finally Nana Mars said,

"Purge the inky darkness of denial from your soul, my sweet."

She speaks like that a lot. In Nana Mars language that means 'tell me what you're thinking'.

I stayed silent. My hands sweated even more. I almost dropped the crystal because my hands were getting damp. Nana Mars just watched me without saying another word.

Finally I couldn't take it anymore and I just loudly announced,

"I got hard when Terry accidentally rubbed up against me whilst we were playing football."

I don't even like football, but it seemed that it would be my downfall.

Nana Mars watched me some more. Then she said,

"Right then, now don't you feel better?"

"Kind of, yeah," I admitted. And it wasn't even a lie. I did feel better after I said that out loud.

"Anything else?" Nana Mars asked me. She didn't seem upset or anything. But then, I figured she'd be fine with it. Like Nana Mars always says 'the only thing true witches hate are dirty cauldrons and Dorothy'.

It's true. Every time we watch the Wizard of Oz Nana Mars is always on the side of the witches. I'm pretty sure that I am too. I mean who would you support, the powerful green lady who has flying monkeys and an epic evil cackle, or that annoying brat from the black and white farm who murders people and steals their shoes?

Think about it…..

 _Exactly_.

"I think I like boys." I said.

"Anyone in particular?" Nana Mars asked, and she looked slightly amused.

I wasn't sure what to make of that at the time. I still don't.

"Um, no." I said. That was sort of a lie. I had a majorly ridiculous crush on Cedric.

Nana Mars caught the lie, of course, she always knows when I'm fibbing. She says it's her witchy powers reading my soul. I think it's just because I'm a really crappy liar. Kasper tells me my eyes give me away every time.

But Nana Mars didn't say anything about the lie, she just looked more amused than before. I remember thinking that adults are weird.

Regulus told me that he thinks adults are weird too. I told him that he ** _is_** an adult. Regulus pouted and said that was a very mean thing for me to say and that I should never talk about a lady's age. I argued that he is not a lady. At all. Regulus flounced off after that, muttering something like 'this is why I never wanted children'.

I was a bit less nervous about coming out to Regulus since he's…..well, Regulus. If you ever met him you'd know what I mean by that.

We were sitting at Nana Mars' favourite blue wood table in the kitchen and facing each other when I told him. Regulus just stared at me for a full three minutes (I counted) and then said slowly 'I like boys too'. I thought at first that maybe he'd misunderstood what I meant, so I tried to explain. That was a mistake. Our conversation went like this-

Me: I like boys.

Regulus: I like boys too.

Me: No, I mean I **_like_** like them.

Regulus: Oookkkaaaayy. I **_like_** like them too.

Me: No! I like them as in I…you know…..(whisper) _sexually_.

Regulus: What?! Who the crap have you been banging Draco? Is it that Diggory shithead, because I will _end him_. You're too young, and that's final! No sexy times are to be had by you. At all. Ever. EVER I SAY!

Me: What are you even-…just NO! First of all 'banging'? Have you been watching American reality TV again? I thought we agreed to boycott that after the whole 'biatch' incident with Miss Lewis (my math teacher) at parents evening. And I'm not having sex with Cedric you lunatic!

Regulus: Cedric? I meant _Kasper_! You can't play two brothers off against each other like that Draco, it's wrong. You'll have to choose one, and set the other one free. And I only watched catching up with the Kardashians, like, one time last week. Get off my back, bruh.

Me: How is this even happening? No, seriously, how is this even a situation that exists? I am not playing the Diggory brothers off against each other!

Regulus: Oh my God, are you having sex with them…like…together? Do you have a brother kink? How could I have raised such a heathen? Oh wait….I'm a death eater. Damn, it's all my fault you're fucked up and want to have brother three-ways!

Me: I can't believe I even need to say this….I am NOT in an incestuous relationship with Cedric and Kasper!

Nana Mars (potters into the kitchen carrying our new puppy. A little black pug who Regulus demanded we name 'Sirius'.): Who's not in an incestuous relationship with Cedric and Kasper?

Me: ME! I am the one who is not!

Nana Mars: Aw, well, that's quite a shame. The Diggory brothers are such lovely boys…you could do a lot worse my little Dragon cub.

Regulus: (looks me dead in the eye) I have failed you my son. But I support your decisions. Incest obsessed or not, I still love you.

Me: I am not obsessed with incest!

Nana Mars: I have some gay erotica fiction under my bed that you could look at if you want. I think there's even some twincest in there somewhere.

Regulus: I'm glad you felt you could admit to me that you have a brother kink, Draco. I like that we have that kind of trust between us.

Nana Mars: Hmm, it probably would have been better if you'd told him you were gay first, you know, as a way of preparing Reggy for your incest kinks and such.

Me: (smack my head against the table). The coming of age films are right, being gay and coming out is really hard.

Nana Mars and Regulus: That's what he said!

Regulus and Nana Mars (point at each other): JINX!

Me: I divorce you. I divorce you _both_!

Regulus: Shut your whore mouth!

Nana Mars: I remember my first three-way. Who ever said you couldn't have fun at a Knitting club?

Me: _Meeehhhhhh_.

Sometimes I think I live a relatively normal life, and then I wake up and the people I love remind me of how very untrue that is.

"Do you think Regulus will let you come with us to the Qudditch world cup?" Cho asks me. She looks hopeful.

I lift one shoulder in a half shrug,

"I don't know. He doesn't want me to have anything to do with the wizarding world. But if we can convince him on Friday to let me go to Hogwarts, then maybe he'll let me go to the Quidditch world cup too."

There's a whole lot of 'maybe' going on there.

Cho exchanges a sad glance with Terry. I catch Kasper's eye and he smiles reassuringly at me. Kasper sits up and slides his fingers into my hair. He uses the grip on my hair to shake my head around a bit, and then he says,

"Don't be getting all morose on us, babe. There's no way in hell we're leaving you behind again this year. You're coming whether you want to or not. We need you with us."

I allow my lips to curl up into a small smile,

"Is that because you miss my stupid face?"

Cho snorts out a laugh, and Terry leans over to squeeze my shoulder. Kasper says seriously,

"Yeah, Draco, it's because we miss your stupid face."

* * *

 ** _Mwah ha! So first chapter over, what did you think? Like it? Loathe it? Let me know!_**


	2. Vodka and earthquakes

**_I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER OR ANYTHING CREATED BY JK ROWLING. But in an alternative universe I do, so that's something. I think that alternative universe is right next to the one where I'm the King of the mouse people and wear nothing but capes all the time._**

* * *

Chapter two: Vodka and earthquakes

"Regulus." I say gravely, "We need to talk."

Regulus puts down his colouring book and looks up at me. Yes, a colouring book, you read that right. Did you know there was such a thing as 'Adult' colouring books? It doesn't sound like it should be a thing that exists, I know. But I can assure you that it does. Regulus found a whole load of them on Amazon and bought, like, fifteen versions, including the unicorn one currently resting on his lap.

It first started when I was seven and Regulus bought a dragon colouring book for me. He also got me a Barbie one because he wanted me to 'feel free to define my own gender nuances', so that I wouldn't feel 'pressured' into liking something or not liking something just because it's termed as 'girly' or 'boyish'. Those were _actual_ sentences that came out of his _actual_ face.

I didn't really like the colouring books. I was more into reading novels, even when I was really young. Nana Mars would give me all of her old hard back copies of books she'd collected over the years. A lot of them were either murder mysteries or romances. Sometimes both. Nana Mars and I would argue over Jane Austen characters whilst Regulus sat in the background colouring in a Barbie car.

Regulus explained to me that colouring relaxes him. I told him that he is the weirdest adult ever, and asked why he can't just go down to the pub and have a drink to relax like all the other adults. Regulus said that he isn't a conformist. I simply pointed at the dark mark on his arm. Regulus told me to go to my room. I said it wasn't fair to send me to my room just because he was losing the argument. Regulus replied that I was seven and he was the adult, and so therefore life would never be fair.

I told on him to Nana Mars and she beat Regulus over the head with a red 'repenting' crystal, and took his (my) colouring books away for a week. Regulus called me a grass and pouted sulkily. I poked my tongue out at him happily from my place at the kitchen table whilst eating chocolate biscuits.

Right, well, anyway. Today is **_the_** Friday and it's officially time for our intervention.

Regulus' gaze travels around the room, taking in all the people who are currently staring at him. As well as me, Cho, Terry and Kasper, we also managed to convince all their parents to come and speak up for me as well. Nana Mars is sitting in her favourite pink zebra print sofa chair and knitting what looks like either a flag or a cape with a skull and cross bones on it.

Whatever it is, I'm sure she'll be wearing it tomorrow, or forcing Regulus to climb up onto the roof and replace the flag already up there. That flag is green and has the words 'A _Wicked Witch is a Wicked Bitch'_ printed on it. My friends and I made that for her during an art lesson in primary school. We found that quote on tumblr. We were all subsequently banned from going on tumblr.

But Nana Mars loved it. She insisted on having the makeshift flag attached to a pole on the roof. Regulus almost fell off the thatched roof five times whilst Nana Mars and I watched him from our deck chairs. Some towns people grumbled about it, but Nana Mars is both respected and feared throughout the community, so no one said anything to her face.

Good thing too, or she would have put a curse on them for sure. Even though Nana Mars may not technically have any magical ability….well I still wouldn't want to be cursed by her. Trust me, neither would you.

I helped Nana Mars curse someone before. Well, it was actually a cat named Bobo, but it was still really epic. There was a massive cauldron and blue smoke and we had to chant the lyrics to that song from Macbeth ' _Double, double, toil and trouble'_. Occasionally Nana Mars would mix it up with lyrics from whatever pop song she was obsessed with that week. I tried to keep up as we danced around the big cauldron together and sang at the top of our lungs about shaking it off and how the haters are gonna hate.

Regulus argued that I shouldn't be putting muggle curses on cats because it wasn't proper magic and it would only confuse my real ritual studies. I argued that I wasn't putting a curse on all cats. Just the one that kept pooping in our garden.

Nana Mars told Regulus to stop interrupting our curse ritual or she would change it so the curse would also include him. Regulus scoffed and said he wasn't afraid of some muggle mumbo jumbo. Nana Mars said ' _shun the non-believer'_ and we put a curse on Regulus. For days afterwards Regulus kept injuring himself almost constantly.

One time when he tripped over his own feet and fell down the stairs, for the fifth time that day, Nana Mars and I stared down at him from over the bannister, and Nana Mars said ' _feel our rage wizard boy'_. I told him that's what he gets for being a shithead to a muggle witch.

All the parents are standing behind me, Cho, Terry and Kasper. Cho insisted that we bring laminated copies of our speeches. We borrowed the laminator from Terry's muggle father, Quinton, who told us 'people who don't laminate always lose'. He's an accountant who wears sweater vests and likes country music. Everything about that amuses me.

Terry's mother is pretty much Quinton's exact opposite. Fiona Boot is a tall woman with golden blond hair and expressive whiskey brown eyes, who is always talking, or shouting about something. Terry looks, and behaves, a lot more like his mum than his more quiet and unassuming father. But his aptitude for exams and studying definitely comes from Quinton.

Regulus is looking at us all like he's sure we're going to attack at any moment.

"Is this the part where you all kill me and sell my organs on eBay?" Regulus says completely deadpan.

"Don't be ridiculous, Reggy." Nana Mars scolds, "Draco would never do something like that." She crinkles up her nose, looks Regulus over, and adds, "Besides, who would want your organs anyway? They're probably all weird and pureblood-y. They'd have to sell them at a discounted rate, and really, that would just be a pointless waste of time."

Regulus scowls harshly.

"My organs are not _weird_."

"They probably are though." I say, forgetting for a moment why we're all here. "I wouldn't want to try and sell them on eBay _or_ the black market."

"I didn't think you could sell organs on eBay." Quinton says, sounding confused.

"What's eBay?" Cho's father asks. Jian Chang is a rather tall man with jet black hair and a rather benevolent demeanour.

Mei Chang, Cho's mother, is just as beautiful as her daughter. She's also the calmest mannered and rational person I've ever known.

"I believe it is one of those muggle websites. Like that one Cho showed us at Christmas 'facebock." Mei says, patting her husband's arm indulgently

"Ah, yes," Jian says, nodding enthusiastically. "I remember. Like…what was that one you showed me last night sweatheart?" Jian smiles at his daughter.

Cho gives her father a half smile in return and says,

"Youtube, daddy."

"Right, yes, I liked that one." Jian says. He frowns thoughtfully and mumbles to himself, "Dear me, so many moving pictures of cats though. It's a wonder muggles get anything done."

"I thought selling organs was illegal in the muggle world." Mr Diggory says. I can't ever think of him by his first name. Cedric and Kasper's dad is just such a 'Mr' to me.

"Is it legal in the wizarding world?" Fiona asks, sounding shocked.

"No, no." Mr Diggory says, waving a hand. "Wizarding law prohibits such practices. Has done since 1931."

That's still a bit too recent for my liking.

"Do muggles sell organs on eBay or not?" Jian asks curiously. I'm pretty sure he still doesn't know what eBay is.

"No one sells organs on eBay!" Terry shouts, throwing his hands up dramatically.

Kasper snorts with laughter. Mr Diggory gives his son a look for making such an undignified sound. Kasper just crosses his arms and grins. I nudge Kasper's arm. He's already in enough trouble this summer from when he convinced me to sneak off with him into the city and get piercings.

Well, Kasper got piercings. One bar through his eyebrow, three small hoops on his upper left ear, and a ball ended piercing below his bottom lip. Despite my reservations about the whole thing, the piercings actually suit Kasper quite a lot.

Kasper tried to convince me to have one done, but I didn't want a hole in my face that I wasn't born with. I was fascinated by the tattoos though. Kasper noticed me looking and we managed to convince the bloke working at the parlour to give us a tattoo each. For double the price, but still.

Kasper got a really incredible raven on his upper arm. When I asked him why, he said 'house pride, Dray'. I chose a detailed black feather with my parents' initials underneath it. I had the tattoo put on my lower arm. The same place where Regulus has his dark mark.

Of course Kasper's father gave him a right bullocking for it all. He demanded Kasper take out all the piercings, but Kasper refused. He's such a stubborn git when it comes to his father. I know it's because Amos Diggory can be so over bearing towards his sons at times. But it's always been clear to me that Kasper's father loves him.

Cedric and Kasper lost their mother when Kasper was nine. She was an Auror and was murdered on the job by a particularly dangerous dark wizard. Kasper took her death hard, but I think maybe Cedric took it even harder.

I remember being at the Diggory house six weeks after her death. Everyone else was at the Chang house for dinner. Kasper had run off when his father said something about moving away from Colbie. For a fresh start, he said.

Kasper had yelled at his father that they couldn't leave because Colbie is their home. Kasper looked at me when he said 'home', and something in my chest collapsed in on itself. The thought of Kasper leaving Colbie made me feel like the whole world might fall apart around me.

Mr Diggory told Kasper to stop over-reacting, but that just made it worse. Kasper became even angrier and stormed out. I followed after him, but by the time I got outside, Kasper was already gone. I thought maybe he'd run back to his house, although it seemed far more likely that he would go to our usual spot outside the caves on Colbie beach.

But I wanted to give Kasper some time to himself as well, because I knew my best friend. He would want to rage at the world. Kasper may be quite even tempered for the most part, but when something makes him angry, truly angry, he flies off the handle completely. When that happens he needs time to simmer before anyone can even try to talk him down.

That someone is usually me. Even though Cho is our resident peace maker, and Kasper's on-again-off-again girlfriend, it's always me who brings Kasper back into himself. Kasper says it's because he's been platonically in love with me ever since we met. I'm not sure what that means, and I've never asked. Safer that way, I think.

So I went to the Diggory house, just in case he was there, which I doubted. I knew Cedric would be there though. He'd been excused from dinner because he said he had homework to finish before he went back to school. Cedric was in his second year of Hogwarts back then.

Part of me hoped I would see Cedric. He'd been so withdrawn since his mother died. He was always a private person in general, but Cedric was open and passionate about life too. That ember that had seemed so bright inside him before appeared to have vanished completely.

I hated it. I hated seeing Cedric look so defeated and sad.

Cedric was in the house when I got there, but he wasn't studying. Instead he was curled up in the foetal position in the middle of his bedroom floor. His eyes were red rimmed, the skin around his eyes puffy. He'd been biting his nails, the only bad habit Cedric has ever had, so desperately that his fingers bled.

I didn't know what to do when I first saw him like that. I wondered for a moment if I should go and get his father. But that seemed like the wrong decision for some reason.

Cedric was literally shaking, shivering, with a mad kind of pain you only ever feel when you lose someone you love.

His body quakes made me think of earthquakes, and what I'd recently read about them in a book about natural disasters that Nana Mars got for me. In the book it stated that when earthquakes start, the safest place to ride them out is inside a bathtub.

It seemed obvious to me then, as a nine year old boy, to go over to Cedric and pull him to his feet. Cedric resisted at first, but when I kept on yanking at his arm, Cedric got unsteadily to his feet. I asked him not to fall on me, and Cedric replied in a dead voice that he would try not to. I told him I was glad because I didn't want to be crushed by a big twelve year old. I think Cedric would have smiled if he hadn't of been so wrecked.

Instead he squeezed my arm and said "I would never hurt you, Draco." It was me who shivered after that one.

I half dragged Cedric into one of their bathrooms. Cedric hesitated when I tried to push him into the bathtub, but I explained about the earthquakes and Cedric did as he was told. Cedric tugged on my hand, so I climbed into the bathtub as well. We sat facing each other at first.

But when Cedric tried to curl in on himself again, I forced myself into his space and sat between his legs so he couldn't curl up. At least not without taking me with him anyway.

Cedric didn't hesitate that time when he wrapped his arms around me. I cuddled into him as much as I could. I didn't want him to feel alone anymore. I told him that in a quiet whisper that echoed strangely inside the big fancy bathroom.

"Why'd you come here?" Cedric asked me, his voice cracked with dryness, when his body had finally stopped shuddering.

"Kasper got mad and ran off." I said.

"Why?" Cedric asked, sounding confused and really tired.

"Your Dad….he said you might be moving away. From Colbie." From me.

Cedric body stiffened behind me and for a moment I held my breath, unsure of how Cedric would react.

"We aren't going to move." Cedric said. There had been so much authority and confidence in his voice that I felt instantly at ease. If Cedric said it wasn't happening, then it wouldn't happen.

"Ok." I said.

"You're the only thing that's kept my little brother sane all these years, let alone during the past month. We wouldn't leave you. Not ever. You know that, don't you?" Cedric said.

Cedric squeezed my smaller body just a bit tighter and I nodded against his chest.

"It's ok to be sad. You don't have to pretend all the time." I said to him.

"I know." Cedric said with a sigh, and he squeezed me again.

That wasn't the last time a bathtub ever saved one of us from an earthquake. But those are other stories for another time.

When I came home with that feather tattoo Regulus did not yell at me like Mr Diggory yelled at Kasper. Instead he admired it and said my pale skin looks good with dark tattoos. He also congratulated me for managing to get one in the first place without any ID.

Nana Mars thought the tattoo was very well done and asked me if I thought she should get another tattoo. I told her yes, definitely, but I don't know where she'd put it as she already has full sleeves and tattoos on her chest and back.

There's even an Irish four leafed clover on her ankle. Nana Mars said she'd gotten that one in honour of an old boyfriend. I asked if he was Irish and she just laughed and said no. I asked her why a four leafed clover made her think of him then. Nana Mars told me the man was American and that they had sex with a married couple in California in a hotel named 'The Clover'. The hotel's symbol was a four leafed clover.

Regulus then started asking Nana Mars questions about the dynamic of four-way sex, and I had to leave the room before I could be scandalised any more.

All the noise and commotion going on in the living room catches the attention of our dog Sirius, who comes scampering in, barking excitedly. The little black pug jumps up onto the sofa and pounces on Regulus. Regulus lifts Siri onto his lap and starts scratching his ears. Siri's curled tail wags enthusiastically.

We found Siri as puppy. He was really tiny and alone, and I demanded that we take him home. Regulus argued with me, saying that the dog was a smelly fleabag. Nana Mars and I outvoted him though and Siri came home with us.

Regulus pretends to hate him, but he takes Siri out for walks, buys him special treats, and even lets him sleep in his bed. Regulus secretly loves our dog, maybe more than he loves me actually.

Siri isn't the only animal we have in the house. Regulus also bought a very small and fat owl. We named him Mr Big. Mr Big has black and grey feathers, and looks like an owl mob boss. For serious. That's the main reason why we got him in the first place. We also bought another really massive owl with pointed ears and dangerous looking talons. We call him Tiny.

Tiny and Mr Big took to each other right away, and they like to stand next to each other with Tiny occasionally flying off to do Mr Big's bidding. It's one of the best things ever.

Of course then there's my pet rock, Kevin. But we don't like to talk about him. Not since Terry accidentally used him to break one of the Church's windows when we were ten.

"If you aren't going to murder me and sacrifice my body to Satan, then what's going on?" Regulus asks suspiciously, "I do have a life you know. I can't be expected to just sit around here being stared at all day. So either put me in a zoo officially, or start talking."

I seriously consider the zoo option. Regulus must see it on my face because he huffs indignantly and gives me a mighty mouse glare.

I notice that Cho is giving me evils, and I realise that it probably isn't a good idea to piss off Regulus when I'm trying to convince him to let me go to Hogwarts. Right.

I take a deep breath and say,

"We're here, Regulus, because the summer holidays will be over soon, and I think it would in my best interests to start the new term at a different school."

Regulus stops petting Siri and his eyes narrow on me ever so slightly.

" _Which_ different school?"

"Hogwarts!" Cho, Terry, Kasper and all their parents say at the same time, throwing their hands up in unison. We rehearsed that. There may have been jazz hands involved at some point too.

"That was the best thing I've ever seen." Nana Mars says, staring at us in awe. Whilst still knitting earnestly.

At same time Regulus says,

"Never do that again. _Ever_."

"Regulus, I know you just want to protect me," I say earnestly, taking a step towards him, "But I'm old enough now to decide for myself. And my decision is that I want to go to Hogwarts with my friends this year."

Regulus just stares at me for a really, really, long time. In fact the staring goes on for so long that you can practically taste the awkward silence in the air.

Just when I think I'm about to go insane, Regulus says,

"Fine." He glances over at Nana Mars, who is giving him a strange knowing look that I don't understand.

"Fine…what?" I ask in confusion.

"Fine you can go to _bloody_ Hogwarts if you're really so up in arms about it." Regulus growls unhappily.

My eyes widen in shock. I can barely believe what he's saying. It must be a joke.

"But….but….but we have _speeches_!" Cho sputters, clearly disappointed.

Jian places a hand on his daughter's shoulder and says,

"Don't worry sweetie, I'm sure you can use it for another intervention. There's bound to be one at some point knowing us lot."

Kasper pats her arm consolingly,

"I was looking forward to the speeches too, love."

Cho just huffs and throws her laminated speech (essay) to the floor.

"Your dad's right, I'm sure one of us will contract some kind of addiction." Terry says, "Meth, maybe."

"Or caffeine." Kasper says.

"That doesn't count." Terry argues, screwing up his nose in distaste.

"If you want a proper addiction," Nana Mars says, "then I'd go for alcohol. It's cheaper than heroin. Generally. Unless you're in Russia."

"Why would they be in Russia?" Fiona asks, exchanging a look with Quinton.

"For the cheap heroin apparently," Kasper says.

"Kasper, stop it!" Mr Diggory admonishes.

"Who would go all the way to Russia just for Heroin?" Quinton says, "I saw a man selling it outside the train station in Bristol when I went there for a meeting."

"Maybe they want more high end heroin." Fiona reasons, "They have that in Russia don't they? High end heron I mean."

"I think you're getting heroin confused with vodka." Mei says knowledgeably, "Russians are quite well known for having good taste in vodka. Or at least that was the case when we visited Russia when Jian and I were young."

"Did you go to Russia for the heroin or the vodka then?" Terry asks.

"Terry!" Fiona reproaches, "It's not polite to ask people if they travelled to a distant country for drugs!"

"We went for the hockey," Jian says, "We've always been rather avid fans of the muggle sport."

"I was addicted to bath salts once." Nana Mars says happily.

"Is hockey the one with the big sticks and the round thing?" Mr Diggory asks, actually sounding curious.

"Don't most muggle sports have a round thing of some sort?" Kasper says.

"It's called a puck." Jian says, seemingly proud of his muggle knowledge.

"I think I'd prefer the vodka." Quinton says.

"What are bath salts?" Cho asks Nana Mars.

"Ask me that next time you have a bath and I'll let you use some of mine." Nana Mars says with a wink.

Oh for the love of smurfs….

I ignore everyone else then and focus completely on Regulus,

"Why are you agreeing so easily? You've never even let me _mention_ going to Hogwarts before."

"Yeah, well, you've never gotten your own personal mob together to accost me before either." Regulus grumbles.

"Yes I have. Remember your thirtieth birthday? You wouldn't get out of bed." I say with a frown, "So we all got together and planned a surprise party for you. We had to drag you downstairs in your pants and force you to get dressed into a tiger onesie so you wouldn't freeze outside. Then we took you down to the pavilion we'd set up on the beach and there were all those balloons and banners with the number thirty on them. And the big '30' cake. You ended up getting drunk on Smirnoff ice and fire whiskey and cider all mixed together with orange juice. You made the birthday cake explode, and went around popping all the balloons with your wand. Then at about midnight you ran into the sea covered in '30' cake whilst shooting sparks into the sky, and singing that song ' _Forever young'_. Remember. That was funny. And awful. You are a terrible birthday boy. A terrible person in general, really."

"I am _not_ thirty! You shut your tiny elven face!" Regulus glares at me.

"Well, no, now you're _thirty-three_." I say.

" _I hate you_." Regulus hisses.

"But, seriously Reg, why _now_?" I ask, trying to understand the mixture of emotions going on behind Regulus' eyes.

Regulus' jaw tightens and he looks right at me.

"I can't protect you forever, Draco. I wish I could. But I know I can't. If you want to go to Hogwarts then you're going to have to be prepared to accept the consequences. Things won't be easy like they are now."

"I know that," I say, moving to sit down next to Regulus on the sofa. Siri clambers off Regulus and onto me. I wrap my arm around him and scratch his tummy. Siri rubs his head against my chest and it makes me smile despite everything.

I look up at Regulus, who is watching me carefully. I see the worry and distress more clearly in his eyes now.

"I'll be alright, Reg. Besides, Hogwarts is supposed to be really safe, right? Nothing bad or dangerous happens there." I say.

"Apart from in first year when there was a mysterious hidden object in school and Harry Potter almost got killed right around the same time Professor Qurriell went missing." Terry says.

"Or in second year when there was a monster going around petrifying people and Harry Potter almost died again saving that Weasley girl in the chamber of secrets." Kasper says.

"Or in third year when Sirius Black escaped from Azkaban and everyone thought he was trying to kill Harry Potter. Our DADA professor turned out to be a werewolf and Sirius Black turned out to be innocent just like Regulus always said because he was framed by Peter Pettigrew. Harry Potter caught Pettigrew and had him arrested." Cho says.

"Seriously not helping." I say, shaking my head incredulously at my mates.

"Oh yes, very safe," Regulus says sarcastically, "nothing dangerous ever happens, clearly."

I roll my eyes,

"Hey, look, from what it sounds like all I need to do is stay away from Harry Potter the danger magnet and I'll be fine."

"That might just be impossible considering how Harry Potter moved in to live with my brother this summer." Regulus says with a heavy sigh.

I suck in a harsh breathe,

"Have you been exchanging letters with Sirius? I thought you weren't going to do that."

"Yeah, well….call me a sap. He's my brother." Regulus grumbles irately.

"Does he know…about me?" I ask quietly.

I'm not sure if I mean Sirius or Harry when I say that.

"Yes. And no. I told him I have a kid. But I didn't tell him who you are."

"So he thinks I'm your son?"

"You **_are_** my son." Regulus says adamantly.

I raise an eyebrow.

" _Ish_." Regulus and I say at the same time.

* * *

 ** _Special shout out to- Misskymm and Maya Poltergeist-THANK YOU MY UNICORN BRETHREN! _**

**_Thank you to everyone for reading, please review! xxx_**


	3. When Scardheads Collide

**_I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER OR ANYTHING CREATED BY JK ROWLING. But in an alternative universe I do, so that's something. I think that alternative universe is right next to the one where I'm the King of the mouse people and wear nothing but capes all the time._**

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Chapter three: When Scarheads Collide

"Where are we meeting them?" I ask as we trudge up what feels like an endlessly tall grassy hill.

"I told Sirius we'd meet him at the portkey." Regulus puffs out, shifting his backpack around over his shoulders. It's a Batman backpack. Because reasons.

"What portkey?" I ask, panting just a little. I should really start working out more. Or at all actually.

I blame Regulus for me not being more positive about exercise. Regulus has never gone running, or played any sport, even once in all the time I've known him. Except that one time, but I'll get to that. Yet, like me, he still stays slim and compact.

I keep telling him that one day his old age will catch up to his metabolism and then he'll be fucked. Regulus asked 'by who?'. I said no one ever again if he turns into a fat slob who sits around all day smoking weed (he calls them blue opium cigarettes, but whatever). He let me have one once and it was the weirdest, most blissed out, moment of my life.

I told Regulus he should try going for a run or something. Or he could join Nana Mars' netball team. Regulus said that he is against exercise as a concept and that people only play sports because their minds are manipulated by the media into creating a mob-like mentality.

I took his blue opium away and hid it. I told him I wouldn't give it back until he agreed to try a sport. He threatened to turn me into a frog.

Things only escalated from that point. It ended up with Regulus on the floor and shouting 'down with the system' and me sitting on him and shouting 'stop trying to bite me Regulus you lunatic'. Nana Mars watched us from the doorway with a cup of tea (with a drop of whiskey, as always) in one hand and on her other hand there was, somehow, a giant blue foam finger. I didn't even know she had one of those. She waved the foam finger around and shouted things like 'take him down to china town Dragon' and 'aim for the throat and balls Reggy'.

Eventually Regulus agreed to try a sport. He joined Nana Mars' netball team, of which she is, of course, the captain. He played in their first game the next day against a rival team from the next small town over. Regulus laughed about playing with, and against, a load of old ladies.

My friends, their parents, and I went to watch and support our home team 'The Wrinkly Storm'. Within the first twenty minutes of the game, Regulus got knocked over twenty-six times. I counted. He got hit in the face with the ball fifteen times. Cho counted. And he was purposefully tripped up three times. We all counted. Of course it wouldn't have been that bad if all these things weren't done to him by his own team.

To be fair to The Wrinkly Storm, Regulus was absolutely rubbish at netball. He dropped the ball constantly, and whenever it was passed to him he ran _away_ from it. After that Nana Mars banished Regulus from The Wrinkly Storm and he was told never to come back on pain of death by granny.

Of course I was traumatised by the whole event and that is why I can't play sports. So there.

Regulus hasn't answered my question so I poke his cheek and ask again,

" _What portkey_?"

"The one that's waiting for us at the top of this sodding hill." Regulus replies grumpily. He tries to poke me back, but I move one step away. Regulus gives me a look, as if considering whether it's worth the effort to take one step sideways so he can poke me. After a few seconds he snorts and waves his hand at me in a 'can't be arsed' gesture.

"There's a portkey at the top of the hill?" Terry asks, ambling closer to me and Regulus.

"There bloody well better be." Regulus snaps.

We set off early this morning for the Qudditch world cup. Regulus tried to argue with me about that, but I said it would be the perfect place to meet up with his brother on neutral ground, so Regulus relented.

I'm really nervous about meeting Sirius Black. I wonder if he'll be like Sirius at all. Hopefully not or the world might implode. I'm not at all anxious about seeing Harry Potter. I'm really not, so stop thinking it. Seriously. I don't even care if I see him or not. So both of our parents were killed on the same night. So we have the same scar on our foreheads. I don't care. At all. Even a little bit.

Shut up.

Regulus helped me use a specialised shielding charm to hide my scar. It was agreed by everyone that no one should know who I really am. At least not yet. Most of the wizarding world thinks I'm dead. I know Regulus would prefer to keep it that way. He's also insisting that I change my name. Well, my first name. I'm already technically a Black, and I've been using that surname my whole life.

I know that my biological father was a Malfoy, but I've never really thought of myself as one. I'm a Black. My mother was a Black, and I was raised (using the term loosely) by a Black. It's just one of those things, I guess.

My whole family had great fun picking me out a new first name. From ridiculous things like 'Delcrest' and 'Dusty' (no offense to people who might have those names, but come on), to semi-sane things like 'Dean' and 'Danny'.

Regulus and I finally agreed that just 'Drake' would do so as not to confuse things too much. He already contacted Professor Dumbledore, and somehow, against all odds, he managed to convince the headmaster to let me become a student at Hogwarts. I had to go and do some exams to see if I was at a competent level to start my fourth year. I passed all of the exams with flying colours, which wasn't exactly a surprise.

But all of that pales into comparison to the fact that, and even I'm impressed by how he managed this, Regulus got himself asked by Dumbledore to become the new potions Professor. Alongside his brother, Sirius. How those two bozos tricked Dumbledore into that one I don't even want to know.

I should probably just be glad that they aren't going to be our Defense against the dark arts professors. Apparently Dumbledore already had that position filled for this year. Thank Merlin for small mercies.

Quinton and Fiona, Terry's parents, and Jian and Mei, Cho's parents, decided to stay at home in Colbie instead of coming to the Qudditch world cup. So technically Regulus is supposed to be in charge of me, Terry and Cho. Why anyone thought that was a good idea I'll never understand.

Mr Diggory, Cedric and Kasper are along with us as well.

Also, we've brought Nana Mars. She refused to be left behind and miss the 'big mop racing game'. Terry and Cho tried to explain that Quidditch is played with brooms, not mops, and that it isn't about racing. But Nana Mars just waved their explanations away whilst she excitedly planned 'operation muggle invasion'.

Ever since we left Colbie this morning Nana Mars has been humming the James Bond theme tune. She's wearing black aviators and an all-black jumpsuit. With a utility belt. She looks like a retired spy. Nana Mars also brought her night vision goggles, nun-chucks, an army blade, and finally her pink rhinestone taser.

Yeah. Pink. Rhinestone. Taser.

Get your head around that one. I dare you.

Cho and Nana Mars are at the back of the group talking about what sounds like either baking a giant cake, or fighting with a giant snake. It could literally be either. Or both even.

Terry and Regulus begin muttering together about bloody portkeys and bloody grassy hills that never seem to bloody fucking end.

Mr Diggory is actually deep in conversation with Kasper. Kasper looks at me desperately. I refuse to save him. He brought this on himself when he mentioned to his father that he was going to quit the Ravenclaw Quidditch team this year.

Cedric is walking alone so I move over to him. He looks about as happy and carefree as someone like Cedric can on a regular basis. He smiles down at me, and I return that smile with a grin of my own.

We walk together in silence for a little while. One thing I really like about being around Cedric is that I never feel the need to keep on talking. The silences we have between us are always comfortable and never awkward.

Eventually though, Cedric turns his head to look at me and says,

"I'm sorry again that I couldn't be there for your Hogwarts vs Regulus intervention. Kas and Dad made it sound….interesting."

Cedric had been away doing some work experience for the Ministry for most of the summer. I'd missed him more than I thought.

"It went about the same as all of our family meetings do." I say wryly.

Cedric actually smirks a little at that. It's not an expression I'm used to seeing on his face. He says,

"So…it was madness personified then. As always."

"As always." I agree.

"So are you going to try out for the Quidditch team now that you'll officially be _one of us_?" Cedric deepens his voice and reaches over to ruffle my fringe.

I slap his hand away,

"Oi, get off."

Cedric laughs. It's a pleasant, deep, rumbling sound. Soothing almost.

"I don't know if I'll play Qudditch or not. I don't even know which house I'll be in yet." Although I have a pretty good idea.

Cedric must think so too because he gives me a speculative look,

"Well, all of your friends are in Ravenclaw and you're insanely clever, plus you read practically everything. And you're weird. So I'd say Ravenclaw for sure."

I gasp, pretending to be affronted,

"I am not weird!"

"That is so not true. You are king of the weirdoes, Dray." Cedric says, still smiling widely.

I am offended. Deeply, deeply, offended.

Well, alright, not really. He's not wrong. No one could put up with what I do without being at least a little bit demented.

"At least you think I'm a king." I say, putting on a mock haughty voice.

Cedric laughs again.

"Only you could find a compliment in that."

I reach over to shove his arm. They look thicker than I remember. Cedric has always been tall, but he used to be such a slim thing. Gangly even. But over the last year he's really grown into his own body. His chest is broader, and his arms are more toned with pure muscle.

Hey, don't look at me like that. I'm allowed to notice these things. Platonically. Sort of.

Shut _up_.

I jump a little when Cedric touches my shoulder. His hand is big and warm. I realise that I've been daydreaming and a blush threatens to steal over my cheeks. Cedric's cloud-grey eyes are warm though when he says,

"I'm really glad that you're going to be at Hogwarts this year, Dray. I always used to worry about you being back at home by yourself. Now I won't have to worry." He frowns just a little, "Or maybe I should be even more worried that now you'll be running around a magical castle with my brother. I can only imagine what kind of trouble you'll get into."

"Nah, we'll be good," I say, shaking my head, "No trouble at all. It'll just be a quiet year of learning magic and no craziness. Might even be a really boring year, actually."

That feels like a lie, but I'm not sure why.

It might be because of those dreams I've been having. Nightmares actually. About Voldemort. They felt so real that when I woke up I was sick from fear and repulsion. But they can't actually be real. It's just my nerves about going to Hogwarts. It must be. I wanted to tell Regulus about them, but I was too afraid he would take it the wrong way and ban me from going to Hogwarts after all.

I can put up with some nightmares if it means finally getting to join my friends at Hogwarts after years of feeling like an outsider.

This is my chance. I'm not going to ruin it.

I told my friends about the dreams though, because I don't ever want to hide things from them. Cho thought I should tell Regulus anyway, but I know she would never betray my secrets herself.

Cedric looks at me like he doesn't believe for a second that I'll stay out of trouble. He says knowingly,

"Life around you is never boring, Dray. That's always been true."

Something hot and heavy curls around inside my stomach.

I open my mouth to respond, but before I can get a word out, I hear a voice I don't recognise call out,

"Bloody hell, brother, I didn't know you were bringing your entire town along with you."

My gaze snaps up and forward, trying to catch sight of the person who I assume is Sirius Black.

I see him just as we come over the side of the grassy hilltop.

Sirius Black looks, quite literally, like a slightly older version of Regulus. Strikingly handsome. Slimly built. Wild dark hair. Pale eyes. They even have that slightly crazed look in them that Regulus' have. I don't know if that's just them, or if it's a Black family trait.

One difference between the two brothers right now however is that Sirius is grinning like a looney tune, and Regulus is scowling right back at him. I can only imagine how terribly this is going to go if Regulus is in one of his grumpy moods. Maybe I should have let him have that opium cigarette before we left. At least then he'd be relaxed.

"Sod off, you great git." Regulus says to Sirius. But there's no heat behind it. In fact he sounds almost playful. I immediately feel more relaxed about the situation.

That is until another person comes into view and all the breath in my body goes AWOL.

 _Harry James Potter_

The first thing I notice about him is his eyes. I thought it would be his scar, but I barely give that a second thought. Harry Potter's eyes are a vivid emerald green. They are just so _green_ **.** I've never seen green eyes that look like his before. It almost seems like they're glowing from the inside.

Apart from that the rest of him is pretty normal. He's of average height, maybe about the same height as me, if not a little taller. But he's built quite strongly, like a swimmer or a football player. I'm guessing I can attribute that to his time playing Quidditch. His hair is actually worth noting. Because it's messy. Like, seriously, his hair is jet black and looks like it hasn't been brushed even once in the past fourteen years. Maybe it hasn't, who knows?

I lock eyes with him without even thinking about it. He appears just as stunned to see me as I am to see him. Although I'm not sure why considering he doesn't actually know who I am. Or how connected we are to each other.

Something shockingly like familiarity rockets through my system as I look into his eyes. I have to force myself not to gasp at the intensity of it. I mean, what the hell?

I tear my gaze away from Harry Potter and try to gather my thoughts properly. I can't be introduced to either Sirius or _him_ if my brain has gone haywire.

Sirius is laughing at Regulus. Regulus is still scowling. All of my friends' gazes are darting back and forth between me and Harry like they're watching a tennis match take place. They've all migrated over to me, with protective look on of their faces. Kasper and Terry in particular seem to be one wrong word away from either throwing themselves in front of me, or kicking Harry Potter's arse for whatever reason.

I take a step back and bump into Cedric. My face flames just a bit and I try to shuffle forwards again. Unfortunately I misjudge my ability to move like a human being and instead of staying upright, I find myself tripping over thin air and face planting the ground.

It's painful, but not as painful as the embarrassment of having everyone immediately gather around me.

Hands reach down to help me up. I'm not even sure who they belong to, and I don't much care. I'm too busy wishing I could spontaneously combust myself out of existence.

"Come on, Dragon, stop snogging the grass and meet Regulus' brother." Nana Mars orders. She's standing in front of me and brushing the grass away from my clothes.

"Are you alright?" More than one person asks.

I wave them all away.

"I'm fine. Stop staring at me. It's rude. Didn't anyone ever teach any of you not to stare? Because they should have. It's a very important lesson in life."

"Well," Kasper says, "to be fair, you did just trip over literally nothing and bitch slapped the ground with your face."

"Yeah, what did the ground ever do to you? You violent sod." Terry says, sounding amused now, the tosser.

"You have dirt around your mouth, Drake." Cho says, "It looks like you ate mud."

"I will burn you. I will burn you all!" I say. Shout. Maybe.

"Now, now, stop being insane." Nana Mars admonishes. She produces some baby wipes from her neon green satchel and starts wiping at my face. She spits on a baby wipe at one point and goes to start wiping my face again. I try to stop her.

"Nana Mars!" I exclaim.

"What?" She asks with a frown.

"You're using baby wipes." I say indignantly.

Nana Mars gives me a blank look,

"So?"

"Baby wipes are already wet." I say.

"So?"

"So you don't need to spit on a wet wipe when it's already wet from being a wet wipe. That goes against the entire concept of a wet wipe."

Nana Mars knocks the side of my head with her knuckles. She leans forward as if pretending to listen, then she leans back again and makes a face.

"I think the ground broke his brain." Nana Mars announces.

"Are you sure you're ok?" Cedric asks, his hand on my shoulder again. He's the only one who looks genuinely concerned at the moment.

"What in Morgana's name are you lot doing over there?" Regulus calls out to us, sounding disgruntled. Whether it's because of me, or because of his brother, is unclear.

Everyone is huddled in a tight circle around me. I have no idea what Sirius and _that other one_ must be thinking. That we're all insane probably. I would think that. I _do_ think that. In fact I _know_ that we are.

I reach up to pat Cedric's hand, then stop instantly when that burning pleasure starts up again inside my gut at the contact.

"Don't panic, I'm not dead. Not even a little bit." I say to him. He does not look reassured at all.

"I can already tell I'm going to die of a heart attack at least a few times this year," Cedric says, a wry smile on his face, "with you running around Hogwarts. You've been a danger magnet ever since I've known you."

"Should I be offended again? Are you offending me? You bint." I say, returning his smile with one of my own. It's hard to feel like an idiot when Cedric is giving me such a kind and concerned look.

Honestly, Cedric is so handsome and nice, sometimes I wonder if he's even a real person. But then I remember how he was after his mother died, and how he fell asleep in a cupboard once when he was drunk, and how when he finds something really, truly, funny his laughter sounds like an angry duck. I've known him practically my whole life, and when you've known someone that intimately it's hard not to notice their quirks.

Part of me actually wants to hide behind my friends just so that I won't have to lock eyes with that green eyed _person_ again. But before I can put that particular plan into action, Regulus comes striding over and grabs hold of my arm. He tugs me away from my safety circle and pulls me along with him as he walks back over to Sirius.

Regulus puts an arm around my shoulders and holds me close to his side. I try to step on his foot so he'll let go, but Regulus pinches my arm in warning. Bastard.

"Big brother, this is my kid. Kid, this is my big brother." Regulus says in a tone I'm not at all sure what to make of. It makes him sound stupid, whatever the case.

Sirius beams at me,

"It's great to finally meet you. My little brother has talked about you in his letters non-stop."

I hold my hand out for a handshake. That's what people do right? Humans. They shake hands. Right?

I open my mouth to tell Sirius how nice it is to meet him like a normal human thingy.

"I fell over."

Dear brain,

I hate you.

Love Draco.

Dear Draco,

Mwahh ha ha ha ha. For real doh.

Love Brain.

Ugh.

Sirius' eyes widen a fraction, but he doesn't shun me like he probably should.

"I saw that." Sirius says.

"We all saw it." Regulus says with a snort, "You didn't even trip over your own feet. You tripped over _nothing_."

"I was trying to shuffle." I say defensively, as if that makes it any better.

"You're a ridiculous sham of a person." Regulus tells me. "I'm embarrassed of you."

I glare at him,

"You are a thirty-three year old man carrying a Batman bag."

Kasper and Terry side-five and make bomb noises.

"Oh boom ba boom, like woah!"

"Boom ka pow, like...buuurrrrn!"

Regulus looks over at them and growls,

"I will turn this hill around and roll you back home, I swear it!"

Nana Mars pops up out of nowhere, the stealth factor is strong with that one, and she narrows her eyes up at Sirius.

"You don't look like a crazy murderer who escaped from magician jail." Nana Mars says suspiciously.

"I'm not a crazy murderer." Sirius says, "Or a magician."

"I'd rather be a crazy criminal than a magician." Nana Mars says honestly.

"Yeah, magicians suck. Hard." Regulus says, nodding.

I can feel _him_ looking at me. I ignore his gaze with every bit of willpower inside my body.

"I think I have old lady spit on my face." I say, to no one in particular.

"That's just weird." Nana Mars says, "Stop saying weird things. You'll scare Sabertooth."

Who?

"Who?" Regulus, Sirius and I all ask at the same time.

"Oh my God, you are so related. It's creepy." Cho says from...somewhere. I'm too distracted by too many things to look around properly.

I keep expecting Mr Diggory to jump in at some point, since everyone is getting involed in this apparently. But I can see that he's too busy fiddling with an old boot. Whatever makes him happy, I suppose.

Nana Mars points at, and actually pokes, Sirius' face.

"That bloke there. Sabertooth."

I'm not even sure what to say to that.

"His name is Sirius, Nana Mars." Regulus says, although he's snickering too hard to be taken seriously.

"Where did you even get Sabertooth from?" I ask, and instantly regret it.

Nana Mars shrugs and pokes Sirius on the nose again.

"I dunno, he looks like a Sabertooth to me."

Finally I can't take it anymore...

"Hello!" I yell at _him_. I wave. I wave vigorously. Harry Potter is standing seven feet away and I wave at him. A lot.

He's still _looking_ at me.

Well of course now he is, I just yelled at him.

"Uh, hello." Harry Potter says. And he actually fucking raises his hand and waves back at me. The weirdo.

I mean, I have an excuse for doing weird shit. I was a raised by lunatics.

Sirius starts smiling again, and I wonder if that hurts his face. He holds his hand out and beckons Harry Potter closer.

The new bane of my existence smiles back at Sirius, but his smile is more reserved. Cautious even.

"This is my Godson-" Sirius starts. But he's cut off by Harry, who actually reaches forward and takes the hand I offered for a handshake, like, forever ago.

"Harry Potter." _His_ skin **burns** mine like his hand is branding my own, and a wave of lightning intensity travels up my arm and through my nerve endings. How the hell is he doing this?

Harry Potters voice is surprisingly deep, but with a strange kind if lilt that I didn't expect. It's a strong, oddly commanding voice, and it causes me to shiver all over.

"Drake Black." I manage to get out through clenched teeth.

I then realise that we aren't actually shaking hands. Our hands aren't moving. So that means that we're just holding hands. We are standing here, on a hilltop, _holding hands_. God damn it.

How is this even my life?

Words come out of my face.

"Your eyes are green. Like majorly. It's actually kind of epic how green they are."

I really shouldn't be allowed to talk to other people.

Harry Potter's expression morphs into something that is both amused and startled. He blushes though, which makes me feel better.

"I'm Harry Potter." Harry Potter says. Now he sounds a bit nervous. Why?

Have I infected him with my awkward weirdness? I didn't know that was possible. Well now I feel bad.

"Yeah, I got that part." I say.

"Right, right. Thanks." Harry Potter says.

"For what?" I ask.

"Um, the eye thing. That you said. Before. Thanks." Harry Potter says, shifting nervously.

"Uh...ok...you're...welcome." I say.

"This is so awkward." I hear Kasper say.

"Yeah, you can, like, taste the awkward. That's how awkward it is." Terry says.

"I think I can smell the awkward." Cho says.

"Do they know they're still holding hands?" Nana Mars says.

"I think...your...eyes...they're epic too. Like stars. But blueish. Blue stars. Um. Yeah." Harry Potter says.

"Yeah, I know. People have said that before." I say.

"Really?" Harry Potter asks, surprised.

"No. But I was trying to be nice. Why did you have to ruin it? Now it's awkward and that's all your fault." I say, frustrated. My body is still tingling from his touch. I can't even think in proper sentence now.

"My bad. I take full responsibility for the awkwardness of this moment." Harry Potter says apologetically.

"Good," I say, "You'd better."

"Your son is weirder than you described." Sirius says, eyeing me.

"I know." Regulus says, sounding resigned.

"He's making my Godson weird." Sirius says.

"He makes everyone weird." Regulus says.

"Definitely got that from you." Sirius says.

"Yeah, well, so's your face." Regulus says.

"You leave my face out of this." Sirius says.

"I don't even know your face." Regulus says.

Sirius frowns, clearly confused. I don't blame him at all.

"That...that didn't make any sense."

"Neither does your face." Regulus replies without missing a beat.

"Oh my God, I missed you. I think." Sirius surges forward and hugs Regulus. It's a bit uncomfortable since Regulus still has a death grip on me. I try to pull away from both of them but Regulus is using me to try and get Sirius off of him by smacking me into Sirius like a battering ram.

AND I'M STILL HOLDING HANDS WITH HARRY POTTER!

It's actually Harry Potter who helps me escape from the Black brothers. He yanks on my hand and Regulus releases me. But Harry Potter accidentally yanks too hard and I end up smacking our foreheads together.

We both end up on the ground. Somehow. Someway. I think Harry Potter slipped and I fell on top of him. But that's just a theory.

Everyone gathers around me again. Apart from Amos Diggory who calls over to us,

"The boot is ready!"

I don't even...like... _seriously_?

Nana Mars looks down at me and Harry Potter and says,

"This is just like when I met my first husband. Or was it my third...well, it was one of them anyway...or was it my first wife?"

Cho looks down at us and says,

"Honestly, Drake, now you're just being silly."

Terry looks down at us and says,

"Get in there mate!" (I curse him. CURSE I SAY!)

Kasper looks down at us and says,

"Dray, I can't believe this. I thought I was the only one you did this with."

Cedric looks down at us and says,

"Yep, this year is gonna be one to remember."

Sirius looks down at us and says,

"This whole thing is going exactly how I thought it would. But better. And weirder."

Regulus looks down at us and says,

"I blame myself for this. I knew giving you the sex talk would only encourage this kind of behaviour."

Harry Potter locks eyes with me and says,

"So...life. This. You know."

I huff out a laugh,

"I know, right."

* * *

 ** _Special shout out to- Misskymm,piglett and Maya Poltergeist-THANK YOU MY UNICORN BRETHREN! Love you all, like for real. x_**

 ** _Thank to everyone for reading, please review! xxx_**


	4. Japan Vs South America

**_I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER OR ANYTHING CREATED BY JK ROWLING. But in an alternative universe I do, so that's something. I think that alternative universe is right next to the one where I'm the King of the mouse people and wear nothing but capes all the time._**

* * *

Chapter four: Japan Vs South America

"So...who's playing again?" I ask, trying not to sound too distracted.

"Oh, it's that really infamous Japanese team the 'Toyohashi Tengu's' against the 'Tarapoto Tree-Skimmers' from Brazil." Regulus says flippantly.

I eye him suspiciously,

"You don't _like_ Quidditch." I accuse, because the look on Regulus' face is just _too_ innocent.

Regulus sucks in the most fake gasp to have ever of been fake gasped, and presses a hand over his heart.

"I _love_ Quidditch, thank you very much you insolent brat. Now go…get off my lawn."

Regulus flaps a hand in front of my face and stalks off further into the tent. He throws himself down onto the black sofa and starts pretending to read a book. I know he's pretending because Regulus never reads fiction, muggle or otherwise. Plus he's holding the book upsidown. But he's staring at it intensely enough that I worry it might actually catch fire, so I decide to leave him alone.

Things are difficult enough for Regulus right now. He's having to deal with Sirius and being back in the wizarding world officially after so many years of isolation. Or at least partial isolation. I don't know how to thank him for all of the things he gave up to keep me safe all these years. Even if he only did it to atone for his sins. I like to think that's no longer the main reason though.

Sirius brought two tents for the seven of us. Mr Diggory has his own tent for himself and his sons. Nana Mars keeps calling them 'Tardis tents' and I suppose it's an apt description. Both of the Black tents look like they were decorated by an evil supervillain, which only lends credence to Nana Mars' apparent need to act like she's in a James Bond film.

And we're all her enemy.

I'll be surprised if she doesn't end up tasering someone and tying them up with the cable rope she brought, before we go home. I can already see it happening so clearly inside my head. It wouldn't even be the first time she's done that.

A few years ago someone tried to break into our house, not a wizard or anything, but some bloke who decided to steal from an old lady. I think we can all agree that he made a drastic mistake. Nana Mars caught him in the kitchen and threw a green 'attack' crystal (sometimes also known as a 'jealousy' crystal) at the thief. The man went down and I got to watch as Nana Mars tasered the thief and then tied him up with some silk handkerchiefs.

Nana Mars tied the knots so well that even the police couldn't undo them. I asked her where she learned to tie knots like that. Nana Mars grinned at me. I thought she'd say she'd learnt them when she was in the military during WWII, but Nana Mars just said 'BDSM club in Amsterdam'.

I decided I wasn't old enough to ask for any more details.

Regulus was useless, of course, and only came downstairs looking tired in his pyjamas once the police had arrived. I don't think he stayed upstairs because he was afraid, I mean the man fought alongside Voldemort for Christ sake. I think he just didn't wake up. Regulus has always been a heavy sleeper.

Sirius comes striding into the tent and throws himself down onto the sofa next to Regulus. Regulus resolutely doesn't look at his brother. He concentrates even harder on the upsidown book. It's one of Cho's fantasy YA novels about sparkly vampires or some shit. I don't know how she can read that stuff when she quite literally lives in a world full of magic, including _actual_ vampires.

Cho says it's no different than a muggle reading about different kinds of not-real muggles. I wanted to argue that point, but Cho had her stubborn face on and so I decided to leave it. After nine years, I know when to shut my face and just nod in agreement. Trust me, you do not want to piss off clever women. They will crush you. Do not incite their joint wraith because you will always lose. Even if you win, you will _still lose_.

It's the way of the world, I'm afraid.

I lean against an ornate beam and watch, with no small amount of amusement, as Sirius presses himself so far into Regulus' space that he's practically sitting in his lap. Regulus continues to 'ignore' him though. Sirius starts to pet Regulus' hair, which causes Regulus to stiffen, but he still doesn't openly react.

Sirius then presses his forehead against the side of Regulus' head and whispers, but loud enough for me to hear,

"Tell me all of your secrets."

Sirius opens his mouth and goes to lick up the side of Regulus' face. Regulus jumps with a screech and hits Sirius over the head with Cho's book. The Black brothers tumble off of the sofa and land hard on the floor.

"I _hate_ you Sirius!" Regulus shouts from the floor.

Sirius is laughing. Hard.

For the first time I try to imagine Sirius and Regulus as young boys. Did they fight like this back then? Regulus told me a few things about his childhood. From what he told me I can't imagine this kind of behaviour was tolerated by their pureblood parents. I'm sure they expected their sons to become the perfect pureblood heirs.

Clearly, that mission was a serious fail.

I leave Regulus and Sirius to their bickering and go off to find my friends.

Nana Mars is out doing, in her own words, 'seriously badass recon stuff'. She told me to keep an eye out for anything that seems dangerous and report back to her. I was almost afraid to let her wander off amongst the innocent magical civilians, but Cedric told me he would look after her. I said I wasn't afraid something bad would happen to Nana Mars. Nana Mars can take care of herself, no doubt about that. I'm more worried about what she might do to someone else.

Cedric just laughed, the fool, and offered to help Nana Mars with her 'recon'. Nana Mars looked him up and down with heavy scrutiny. Finally she declared 'fine, you can be my assistant. It'll be good to have an insider on the team'. I don't want to know who 'the team' are. I half think that Nana Mars has told all of her old lady friends about Wizards and Witches and that they've created some kind of muggle-magic resistance.

It would not surprise me even a little bit if that were true.

Cedric looked perfectly happy to be dragged off with Nana Mars, although his eyes widened with panic just a tad when Nana Mars muttered something about 'waterboarding' torture techniques.

Kasper and Terry went off to 'find humans'. By that I'm pretty sure they meant Terry's cousins, who are supposed to be here as well. It's a bit of a complicated story with Terry's family. Technically, his parents are muggles. Sort of.

Quinton Boot's father was a squib, both of his parents were pureblood wizards. Their family originated from North America. Quinton's father married a muggle and they had three children. Two of whom were born with magic. Quinton was the only one born without magic, and he married Fiona, a muggle. Of course they had Terry, who was born with magic.

Quinton's magical siblings moved away. His sister, Castor, went to Brazil for school at Castelobruxo and has lived there ever since. She teaches Magizoology at Castelobruxo now, a subject the school is well known for. Quinton's brother, Xander, was supposed to go to Hogwarts, but he was offered a place at Ilvermorny in North America, and he chose to go there instead.

Xander Boot married another wizard and they adopted two boys. They named their two sons Webster and Chadwick after the Boot ancestors who were also adopted by the founder of Ilvermorny, Isolt Sayre.

Webster and Chadwick are both wizards and were left abandoned by their parents in the woods not far from Ilvermorny.

I've only personally met Terry's cousins a few times when they've come to visit Colbie. I always got along with Webster quite well. He's our age, really funny, and very pretty too. It seems odd to call a boy that, but I've had it said about me enough times. Usually by Terry when he's feeling especially annoying.

Chadwick is Cedric's age, and according to Webster he is Ilvermorny's golden boy. I can see why to be honest. Chadwick is courageous, he'd be sorted into Gryffindor for sure if he went to Hogwarts, clever, an excellent flyer, and completely gorgeous. Seriously, if Webster and I are considered 'pretty', then Chadwick is stunningly handsome. He also looks the part of the hero, with his golden blond hair, sky blue eyes, broad chest, and perfect smile.

I accidentally walked in on Chadwick and Cedric kissing last year when the Boot extended family came to Colbie for Christmas. It was, and is, the sexiest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. If I hadn't already known I was gay, then that sight would have done it for me no question.

I may have taken a picture of them with my phone so that I could show Cho later. I thought the others wouldn't want to see because, well, they're all related in some way to either Cedric or Chadwick. I turned out to be wrong about that because Kasper and Terry and Webster used it as mocking material for the rest of the Christmas break.

I took the photo discreetly. Sort of. Not discreetly enough maybe. I forgot to turn the phone on silent, so when I took the picture it made a clicking sound. That was a major whoops moment. Both Chadwick and Cedric's eyes had darted over to me standing in the doorway. Chadwick looked both annoyed and amused. Cedric looked horrified and embarrassed. And, weirdly, just a bit guilty. I said 'gotta boogie' and ran away.

Out of that entire situation, the memory of me saying 'gotta boogie', is the one thing I wish I could burn from my brain forever.

I find Harry first. He's sitting by an open fire with Cho. They seem to be talking quite amicably, the two of them leaning towards each other. When they catch sight of me, Harry starts up with that staring bullshit again. Cho slides away from Harry and blushes. A lot. Cho's eyes dart between me and Harry, and I see how obviously nervous she is. I try to contain my smirk as I look at her.

I had no idea Cho had a thing for Harry Potter. She never mentioned it to me. But then again, Kasper is my best friend and Cho's on-again-off-again boyfriend. It's not like I would blab to Kasper though if Cho told me she had a crush on someone else. I don't even think Kasper would mind all that much.

Kasper is so laid back, and not at all the jealous type. He's never had a reason to be jealous before though to be fair. Maybe he would get jealous. That'd be kind of funny actually. I know Terry would think so too.

It would make me a bit of tosser if I brought it up though, so I don't mention the awkward tension. Actually, I think the awkward tension has more to do with Harry and me. Harry is still staring at me, and for the love of biscuits, I kind of want to stare at him too. It must be something to do with our scars, because there's no way anyone could be this instantly connected to someone after having just met them.

Cho would probably say I was overreacting, but I know what I feel.

"What are you two talking about over here?" I ask, going to sit down next to them.

"Stuff." Harry says at the same time Cho says,

"Things."

"Oh good," I say, "That narrows it down for me."

Cho sighs and rolls her eyes, giving me a 'for serious, shut your face' scowl. Hmm, someone is pissy about getting caught canoodling with the-boy-who-stares. I really don't get why she thinks I care if she wants to entice Harry into her web of womanly wiles. Nana Mars said that once. She's also the one who implanted the word 'canoodling' into my head as well.

Honestly, a lot of the weird things I say could be tracked back to either Nana Mars or Regulus. But I suppose that's what you get when you're raised by an epically demented old lady and the most rubbish Death Eater ever. Like, seriously, how did Voldemort spend any amount of extended time with Regulus and not realise what complete man-child he is?

"Harry was asking about _you_ , actually." Cho says huffily. Or at least there was a definite huff-like quality to it.

Harry sends Cho a betrayed look, which causes Cho to blush even more and dip her head. Her dark hair falls to cover her face.

My brain sort of short circuits, and I suddenly have no idea how to process the phrase 'Harry was asking about you'. He asked about me. Me. Why? Does he suspect something? I wouldn't blame him if did. My family and I aren't exactly what most people would call 'subtle'.

"I think you broke him." Harry says to Cho. Those green eyes of his stay trained on me though.

Cho snorts out a laugh,

"I'm pretty sure we can blame you for that, Harry."

I feel a prick of jealousy that Cho can say Harry's name with such ease. Every time I try, his name gets stuck in my throat. It's bloody annoying.

"I for one blame Regulus," I say.

Harry's arches a dark eyebrow at me and asks,

"Why?"

I say wryly,

"If you knew Regulus, then you wouldn't need to ask that question."

Harry smiles. With teeth. He has nice teeth. A nice face. A good…um…nose. I hate him.

"You have top notch nostrils." I say.

Cho's eyes widen. Harry blinks in surprise.

Oh my God, someone please kill me. I can't believe those words formed together inside my brain and actually had the audacity to come out of my face.

"You like my….nostrils?" Harry asks, looking both pleased and slightly confused. Good.

I glare at him,

"No. I most certainly do not."

Harry frowns at me,

"But you just said-"

"I know what I said." I snap at him, "I haven't got the retentive memory of a gold fish. I just said you had top notch nostrils because….because I was trying to nice. I like being nice to people. I am a very nice person. Regulus doesn't think so. I know that because he told me when I was eight and he took me shopping. He tried on a lucre shell suit and he asked me if it made him look fat. I said he looked like a dolphin trainer. A fat dolphin trainer. Regulus said I was a mean little elf and that Santa wouldn't be bringing me any presents that year because Santa doesn't give presents to little elf children who say their Guardian looks like a dolphin trainer. I reminded him about the _fat_ part because he forgot to say it that time. Regulus huffed and said I was definitely not getting any presents from Santa that year for sure. I asked if I would still get the presents Regulus and Nana Mars bought for me every year. Regulus asked which ones were those. I said they were the presents with a note on them that said 'from Santa' in Regulus's hand writing. It wouldn't ever be Nana Mars who wrote the note because Nana Mars doesn't write, she says it's against her religion to use a pencil, or a pen. She uses her old-timey type writer instead. Regulus tried to get her to use a quill once and Nana Mars banished him from the house. He had to sleep in the shed for three days. I asked Nana Mars what her religion was and she said something in what I think was a made up language. I asked if I could join her religion, but Nana Mars said no because I'm a wizard. I said that was prejudice. Nana Mars said that almost everything is prejudice towards someone or something and that I would have to accept it. I said I didn't want to accept it. Nana Mars said that I would have to fight 'the man' then. I asked who 'the man' was and Nana Mars told me 'the man' is whoever tries to stop you from fighting for what you believe in. I asked her what I believe in. Nana Mars told me I would have to figure that out for myself."

I finally run out of oxygen and have to take a break.

Both Harry and Cho are staring at me now. Cho's stare is full of fond exasperation. Harry just appears to be gaping at me unintelligibly.

My head hurts.

Finally Harry lets out a breathe that he must have been holding in, and he says,

"Wow. Like. Just. _Wow_."

Now there's definitely a bit of awe in Harry's eyes. Damn it.

I take a deep breathe,

"Ok, um, right….so in conclusion-"

"Drake!" Cho says, but her eyes are saying ' _shut up, shut up, shut **up** '_.

I take the hint and shut up. For about three seconds.

I look directly at Harry and say,

"I lied. I didn't just say it to be nice. Your nostrils really are top notch."

"Oh for the love of Merlin…" Cho mutters, shaking her head at me.

"You're very strange." Harry says, but he seems quite happy about it for some reason. Weirdo.

"I know." I say with a sigh, my shoulders slumping in defeat.

"Cho says you grew up in the same muggle town as her. Colbie, right?" Harry shifts a bit closer to me on the wooden bench.

A lick of heat runs up and down my spine, and I'm pretty sure it's not from my proximity to the actual fire. I put my hands in my lap so that Harry won't touch me. I do not need that same burning desire I felt last time. It was overwhelming. Scorching. Completely terrifying. And I have no idea what caused such a feeling to flare to life inside me. It wasn't even a sexual pulse of longing, it was just….a steady flame of yearning desire. A desire to be closer. Become one with.

If I never feel that way ever again for the rest of my life then I'll be bloody happy about it. But of course I have the direct source of that feeling sitting right next to me. I really shouldn't be that surprised. Even hearing Harry's name used to do something to me. Always has, ever since I can remember.

I feel the need to blame Harry, even though I know it's not his fault. He seems just as bewildered as I am. Maybe more so since he doesn't know just how connected we actually are through our joint past.

Harry's eyes are intent on me, and I can already tell he's one of those people who feel things with their whole heart. 'All or nothing types', Nana Mars calls people who are like that. She told me once to be careful with men who are all or nothing types because they usually turn out to be either the _worst_ , or the _best,_ thing that will ever happen to you; And that it can hard to tell the difference between the two sometimes.

"Yeah," I say after a lengthy pause, "I've lived in Colbie pretty much my whole life." Except for when we lived together in Godric's Hollow. You know, the place where our parents were murdered and we somehow destroyed Voldemort. That place.

"Were you raised just by your Dad?" Harry asks, sounding genuinely curious.

The use of the word 'Dad' throws me a bit, but I say,

"No. I had Nana Mars. And I had my friend's parents too." Because even though we're separate families, we're also all part of the same really big one. The family mad, Regulus says sometimes.

"Not your mum?" Harry asks, peering at me a little closer.

I almost snap at him for that one, but I stop myself at the last second. It's not like Harry isn't asking a perfectly normal question. If he thinks Regulus is my dad, then he must assume there was a mother around at some point.

"Oh, um, she died when I was one years old." I say, playing it safe. It still hurts to think about my mother being dead, even though I never really knew her. She was my mother and I'm quite sure she loved me.

I wonder, sometimes, how different my life would have been if my father hadn't turned spy against Voldemort. If my parents hadn't died, what kind of life would I have had? What kind of person would I be now?

I made the mistake of saying that to Regulus once and said ' _you'd be a pompous little shit, just like all the other pureblood heirs'_. I reminded him that he _is_ a pureblood heir. Regulus just nodded and said ' _yeah, and I was an arrogant little shit. So was my brother. And so were all of our pureblood friends. It didn't make us bad people. We were just raised a certain way, and being a haughty little shithead was one of the consequences of that'_.

Harry's eyes turn sad, the flame in them dimming ever so slightly. He opens his mouth to speak, but I beat him to it.

"You're about to say you're sorry, aren't you? Well don't. It's not your fault they're—she's dead." I'm so used this song and dance of telling people my parents are dead and them being sorry. I'm so over having to pretend to accept people's apologies for something that has nothing to do with them.

"Actually I was going to say that you're lucky to have people who love you, like Regulus and Nana Mars." Harry says candidly.

I wince internally.

"You're right, I am lucky. I'm sorry about getting snippy, it's just that I'm so tired of-"

"Hey," Harry holds up a hand to stop me, "I get it. Both of my parents died and ever since I came to Hogwarts people have been saying all kinds of stupid stuff. I get pretty mean about it these days, just because I'm so fed up with having to deal with other people's crap."

"Yeah, and even when you know they mean well, it still doesn't make it better." I say, nodding in understanding.

Harry looks a bit less sad now, and his eyes are bright again. I'm glad. I didn't like him being upset, especially because of me.

"So where did you grow up?" I ask Harry, my interest in him renewing with a vengeance.

Harry face darkens, and I worry I've asked the wrong thing. But a moment later the darkness is gone, as if Harry has just remembered something.

"I was given to my mother's sister and her husband. I lived with them right up until last year when Sirius came back and we proved his innocence. I've moved in with Sirius now." There's more than a touch of relief in his voice as he says those words. It makes me a bit angry on his behalf, even though I don't know anything about his life with his Aunt and Uncle. It could have been perfectly nice for all I know.

But something deep down inside me tells me that isn't true. I don't ask about it though because I don't want to stress Harry out for no reason.

"How is living with Sirius?" I ask Harry.

Harry grins and replies,

"How is living with Regulus?"

We both crack up laughing.

Cho stares at us, as she's been doing for the last ten minutes, with droll smile.

…

"Harry, meet Webster. Webster, meet Harry." I say, flickering a hand in between them.

Harry, Cho and I met back up with Kasper and Terry before the match. Apparently they couldn't find Webster and Chadwick. After the game, however, the Boot's came over to our tents.

All of the adults are inside, drinking wine and fire whiskey. Everyone under eighteen is sitting around the big fire right outside our tents.

The match was great, and really exciting. I'm glad we came, but less because of the actual Qudditch match and more because it's just really fun getting to hang out with all of my friends. New and old.

Webster holds out a fist for Harry, expecting him to bump it. Harry raises an eyebrow at the fist, but leans forward and bumps it with his own anyway. Webster grins at Harry and says,

"Awesome to meet you boy-who-lived-and-grew-up-to-be-hot. For reals."

Harry blushes like crazy and shifts a little bit closer to me, and away from Webster, as if seeking safety from the insane American. I can't blame him. Webster can be pretty full on sometimes. I think it's an American thing, I really do. Not to stereotype or anything, but both Webster and Chadwick have this weird inner confidence thing going on that I've never seen a British person have. Unless they get drunk first.

"I still can't believe Kaito Hoshi made that dive." Terry says, shaking his head in disbelief, eyes wide and shining.

"It was incredible!" Cho says excitedly, nodding so much that her body is bouncing up and down. "Katio Hoshi is the best seeker in the world, hands down!"

Kaito Hoshi is the Toyohashi Tengu's brilliant seeker. He's only just turned eighteen and already he's known as one of the most skilled Quidditch players in the world. Of course Japan is quite infamous for its Quidditch teams. Cho always says it's because of their magical school, Mahoutokoro, which is very rigorous and strict. Far more so than Hogwarts.

"Nah, I'm more of a João Coelho fan. He's the youngest captain ever to be chosen in his league." Terry says, sounding just as excited as Cho, minus the bouncing. But only just.

João Coelho is the Captain of the world-renowned Quidditch team, the Tarapoto Tree- Skimmers. They won the game tonight. But it was Kaito Hoshi who caught the snitch with a very impressive broom dive.

Cho and Terry go on chattering about the game, both of them arguing passionately, their arms flailing around when they try to make a point about something. Cho is the seeker for Ravenclaw at Hogwarts, and I think she might want to play professionally once she leaves Hogwarts. Probably for the Tutshill tornadoes. They're kinda the underdogs in the British and Irish league, but Cho thinks they could really make a go of it if they had the right captain. And the right seeker.

I think Nana Mars enjoyed the game more than any of us. She bought one of those noise makers and I swear, even though the arena was packed with people, Nana Mars was definitely the loudest. She very quickly decided to support the Japanese team, mostly because Kaito Hoshi reminded her of an old friend from her school days. You know, like a bazillion years ago. The only problem was she kept 'forgetting' that Kaito Hoshi was not her old school friend and so instead of calling out the seekers' name, Nana Mars would shout 'come on Kevin, kick Brazil in the taint'.

"Oi, you play nice with Harry," Kasper warns Webster, leaning over to drape an arm around my shoulders, "He's our Dray's new bestie."

I almost want to tell Kasper and Cho and Harry then, if only so he'll stop looking at me with such devilish intent. But that would be mean and wrong. Plus Cho would kick my arse. And then she'd tell Nana Mars, who would also kick my arse. But probably with a big crystal instead of the heavy bound book that Cho would use.

Webster smirks and says to Harry,

"Ah, don't go making Kas jealous. You'd have more luck trying to steal his girlfriend than his Dragon. Trust me."

That causes Harry to gape like a wounded fish, Kasper to hide his face in my neck, and me to laugh only half anxiously.

Kasper presses cool lips to the side of my neck and nips my skin with his teeth.

"I don't get jealous because I know I'll always be your favourite." Kasper whispers into my ear.

I lean into him and whisper back,

"Too right."

Kasper grins and wraps his arms around me, yanking me back and into his lap. I flail around for about seconds before deciding to go limp and let Kasper arrange me however he wants. It's usually easier that way with Kasper.

Webster rolls his dark blue eyes and says,

"Kas, seriously, you are like, the gayest straight bloke I've ever met."

Kasper squeezes me tightly and says happily,

"Only for Dray, though."

Harry is watching us, seeming a bit confused. I can kinda of get why. I guess it seems strange if you don't know us, or mine and Kasper's history with each other.

Kasper is the first friend I ever made. I was the one Kasper told when he broke his mother's favourite necklace. Kasper was the one who held my hand in the playground because he knew I was nervous about being around so many other children. I was the one Kasper showed his secret hiding spot in the caves to. Kasper was the one who I first told about my parents, and the dreams I had about their deaths. I was the first person Kasper came to when he found out his mother been killed. Kasper was the first person I told that I'm gay. I was the only person Kasper admitted his fears to about going to Hogwarts. Kasper was the first person who ever kissed me. I was the one who convinced Cho to give Kasper a chance after he told me he fancied her. Kasper was the only one who understood why I wanted to spend Halloween alone every year. I was the only one who understood why Kasper felt the need to act out against his father all the time.

The thing is, when you know someone like that, in so many intimately different ways...they become a part of you. And it can be hard to explain that level of connection to someone who _isn't_ a part of it. Even Cho and Terry don't always get my relationship with Kasper. I'm pretty sure Kasper and Cho have even argued about it before. I know Terry and Kasper definitely have. I overheard them one time when they thought I was in the other room. Kasper was telling Terry to back off, and Terry was growling back at Kasper to stop being so weird about Draco.

I still have no idea what 'weird about Draco' actually meant.

I look at Harry and start to say something, when suddenly a high pitched scream rings out through the night. More screams promptly follow, and in a matter of seconds the campsite is swamped with green and blue fire.

* * *

 ** _Special shout out to- piglet,Misskymm and Maya Poltergeist-THANK YOU MY UNICORN BRETHREN! Your reviews give me LIFE! xx_**

 ** _Thank you to everyone for reading, please review! x_**


	5. Chaos reigns

**_I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER OR ANYTHING CREATED BY JK ROWLING. But in an alternative universe I do, so that's something. I think that alternative universe is right next to the one where I'm the King of the mouse people and wear nothing but capes all the time._**

* * *

 **Warning: Slight gore**

Chapter five: Chaos reigns

Screams fill the air.

People in robes and skull masks stride through the campsite turning everything to ash with blue and green fire.

When I say 'people' I really mean 'lunatics'.

The night air is cool, but the bite of the fire is harsh and undeniable. I feel my breath catch in my throat as I watch people running and shouting and crying. A violent kind of tension seeps into my bones and frightens the shit out of me.

My heart freezes in my chest when I realise there are people floating in the air. It's clear to me that they're being tortured by the masked figures. Having grown up with a Death Eater and Pureblood dark wizard, I know all about torture curses, including the unforgivables. It always made me feel sick to hear about them, even from Regulus. He never tried to downplay the nastiness of those curses though.

Regulus wanted me to be prepared. For what, I wasn't sure. I didn't know why it would matter. Now maybe I do.

One of the people being tortured in mid-air arches their back grotesquely, and I know what's about to happen. I tell myself not to look, but I just can't. The victim's neck slices open and blood rains from the sky. Shithead number one just laughs and laughs as he drops his wand and the still twitching body of his victim hits the ground with a solid thud.

I swear, even though there are hundreds of people screaming all around me, I hear that body hit the grass. It's the most painful sound I've ever heard. Final and harrowing. It cuts into my soul and leaves behind a stain that I know even now that I will never be able to remove.

I feel hands on my body as I'm pulled up to my feet. My family and friends are shouting at me, trying to get me to move. But all I can concentrate on is the body of a small woman whose eyes are open and staring at nothing. Her neck is slit from ear to ear and blood still trickles out of the cleanly cut wound.

"Please, Dray, we have to move _now_!"

"Run, or I will pick you up and take you with me!"

"I will drag you away if I have to, Drake!"

Different peoples' voices scream into my ear. But it's all just background noise to me.

The whole campsite it consumed by fire, screaming, and death.

More people are being elevated into the air to be tortured. Torn apart. Murdered.

Then I think of them. My friends. My family. People I love more than anything else in the world. People I would die for. I need to help them. I need to protect them.

But I still cannot move.

It's not until a hand touches mine that I find myself again. It's a hand I recognise even though I'm lost to the chaos burning my sanity to sinders. That hand strikes a cord in me. It feels like a connection to the outside world. A world not dominated by death and pain and devastation. That hand grips mine like a vice and I find myself holding on just as tight.

Then there's a voice. A voice that cuts through the screaming.

"Come with me."

I turn my head, my own pale eyes meeting eyes so impossibly _green_ , that it almost hurts to look at them at all.

"Trust me." He says. "I'll protect you. I promise."

I feel that promise reverberate through me with the intensity of a lightning strike. Even more so because I know he means it. I don't know how I know that, but I do. I _know_. And it's maddening.

I want to tell him that it's not fear. What is causing me to stand here. I am not afraid, even though I should be.

"I trust you." I tell him gravely. Harry seems deeply reassured by that.

Regulus is suddenly there, his hands on my face, blocking my view of the dead woman. His grey eyes are fierce with worry and anger,

"Stay with me, son. We're apparating all you kids out of here."

I nod firmly, my mind returning to me slowly.

More screams fill the air.

Kasper, Cho, Terry, Cedric, Webster and Chadwick apparently refused to leave without me. I shout at them to go, to go _now_. Cho has tear in her eyes, and I know they're for me more than anything else. Terry appears both determined and afraid. Only Terry could mix the two together so perfectly and still look like he's ready to kick someone's arse.

Kasper is staring at me this _look_ on his face that I can't interpret, not right now anyway. There's fear in it. Fear for me so great that it encompasses everything. I have to glance away from him. It's too much. Just _too much_.

Maybe even worse though is the look in Cedric's eyes. I think he might strangle me later with how pissed off he clearly is. I can't blame him. Trust me to have a bloody panic attack in the middle of…..whatever the flying fuck is going on here.

I urge my friends to go before me. My hand is still clasped in Harry's for reasons I'd rather not look at too closely.

Mere minutes have passed since that first scream, but it feels like a lifetime to me.

Adults from our group start apparating my friends out of here. I still refuse to leave. I force Regulus to take Nana Mars before he takes me. Nana Mars tries to argue. I glare at both of them. The two people who raised me and loved me and protected me my whole life.

Regulus locks eyes with me and there's understanding there. Respect even. He gives me a small nod and takes hold of a still arguing Nana Mars. With a crack they're both gone.

Only then do I realise that all of my friends have been taken to safety as well. I'm let out a sigh of relief even as the fire destroying the campsite surrounds us almost completely.

Harry refused to leave my side, even when Sirius tried to drag him away. He must have seen something in Harry's eyes that told him to back off, because with a pained look, Sirius just nodded once and went to apparate with Cho.

I hear the crack of people apparating even above the sounds of the raging fire and victims of torture screaming.

I tell myself not to look, but again, I can't help myself. More people have been captured by shitheads incorporated. Victims writhe and contort in the air, their bodies bending in impossible ways. Something clenches inside my stomach as Harry and I try to stay hidden.

Just a few more seconds and then Regulus and Sirius will come to get me and Harry away from the danger zone.

Harry squeezes my hand and moves closer. I feel instantly comforted, even though I don't know why. I look up at Harry. He's watching me with concern. He doesn't look afraid though. If anything, he's calm. It should be off putting and weird, but for some reason it makes sense to me. Apart from the fear I feel for my friends and family, I'm not afraid either.

I see one of the masked arseholes move away from his group. He raises his wand and shouts a spell I know all too well from my shielding studies with Regulus.

Hope of being rescued is destroyed.

" _Xanthrafaros_!"

A jet of dark blue light shoots out of shithead number two's wand. It travels upwards and hits the sky with a deafening explosion. Blue fire fills the sky, blocking out the moon and the stars. A dome of magic spreads and curves across the sky.

"What the hell was that?" Harry gasps.

My expression becomes strained as I tell him,

"That…that was a spell that blocks apparation."

Harry's eyes widen in horror.

"So Sirius and Regulus can't come back for us?"

I shake my head stiffly,

"No, they can't. We're on our own."

Fury boils and spits inside my stomach.

Green and blue fire grows and spreads all around us. We can't stay here much longer or we'll be burnt alive.

I recognise the green fire. It's acid fire. Acid fire was created during the war by one of Voldemorts followers. It melts skin and bone. The blue fire was also created during war. It's known as 'Ice fire'. Instead of burning you with heat, the blue fire freezes you to death within seconds. Even a lick of blue fire can give you instant frostbite.

Some of the taken people are being held over the fire by the shitheads in masks. Their skin pops and melts off their bones. Other people turn to icicles, their bond crunching with the pressure of it. Spines snap and eyes are burnt out of the people's heads.

It's a horrific sight. But instead of scaring me, all it does is make me want to destroy the vile creatures in masks who think they have any right to do this.

"We gotta move, Drake." Harry says, his tone of grim determination cracks like a whip.

Harry's right, we have to get away from here. Either shitheads incorporated will find us or the fire will kill us anyway.

"Alright, but I don't know how we'll get through without being seen." I say, not wanting to go out there with no plan at all.

Harry smiles solemnly and says,

"I have something that could help with that."

I frown at him, not understanding.

Harry pulls me along with him into our half demolished tent. We avoid the licks and flares of fire until Harry reaches black bag. He rips it open and pulls out a strange looking cloak. He thrusts it at me and says,

"This is an invisibility cloak. It was my father's."

Woah. That's kind of incredible. I've read about the theory behind such an object, but I didn't think one actually existed.

Harry drapes the cloak over both of our heads. It's a bit of a tight squeeze, but we manage it. Not like we have a problem with being close, that's been firmly established at least. I think of what dirty joke Nana Mars would make about that and how Kasper and Terry would tease me until the end of forever.

I feel a momentary strike of panic that my friends and family could have been killed here tonight. It might have even been my fault if Harry hadn't of been able to snap me out of my death filled daze. They must be losing their collective shit right now. Regulus will probably be trying to fly back here on a damn broom, propelled by his innate need to protect me. If I die here, Regulus will never forgive me. Or himself. Or anyone else. Guilt tinges the edge of mind, but I push it back. Now is certainly not the time.

"Let's go." I say to Harry. We keep our hands twined together under the cloak.

Harry's touch keeps me grounded as we move guardedly through the campsite. Most of the shitheads in masks are content to continue torturing people until they get bored and decide to kill them. I don't think they'd notice us even if we didn't have Harry's cloak. They all seem too intent on causing as much damage and pain as possible.

Skulls are burst by aneurism spells. Chests are torn open, revealing the jagged points of ribs. Bones crunch. Skin slices. Blood pours, splatters and sprays. It's revolting to witness. But no matter which way we go, there's no escaping it either.

Aurors suddenly start swooping in and try to fight back against the masked shitheads. I don't think it's going too well, considering the amount of hostages the masked shitheads have already collected. One Auror even becomes entangled and he dies screeching and choking as his tongue is cut out of his head and his eyes are gouged out by a blade of pure dark magic.

"They're Death Eaters," Harry says, rage making his voice come out as sharp as a dagger, "They're **_his_** bastards."

I squeeze his hand even tighter, enough for it to seriously hurt, and say simply,

"I know."

Of course it's him. _Of course_ its Voldemort's legion of arseholes who have decided to cause havoc. My introduction to the wizarding world has ended nothing but death and destruction. Are we surprised? No? Good, because neither am I.

Harry and I have almost reached the edge of the campsite without incident, which makes me more than a bit suspicious. It shouldn't be this easy. Of course that's when I realise that our path is blocked by strong wards. I can recognise them because it was one of the first things Regulus taught me how to do. He said 'no child of mine is going to let himself get smacked in the face with a ward'. Nana Mars made a joke about Regulus teaching his ward about wards. It was a lot funnier when she said it, trust me.

Merlin, I hope they're all safe.

I stop Harry from moving any further.

"We're blocked in by wards. Unless we can breach it, there's no way we can leave."

Plus, they probably have the wards spelled so that whenever someone tries to break them, they'll be able to sense it. That's assuming shitheads incorporated are smart enough to think of that. I don't know enough about our enemy to judge their level of intelligence. I can judge the depth of their blood lust though.

I hope the ministry rounds each and every one of them up and locks them away in Azkaban for the rest of their miserable lives.

"We need another plan." Harry says, undaunted by our new obstacle.

We're far enough away from the fighting now that I actually hear the muffled screams of a girl coming from a few burnt out tents over. The fire isn't so bad around here and the wards are stronger, which means this is where the masked shitheads came in.

Harry's eyes dart to where the muffled screams are coming from. His expression hardens to granite, and I read the look on his face before he can say anything. He wants to help whoever that girl. And so do I.

Without a word spoken between us, we head in the direction of the muffled screams. Our hands are still clasped tightly together.

What we see when we find the girl who was screaming makes my stomach flip ten times over. If I weren't so angry I would probably throw up.

A girl with bushy brown hair and wide hazel eyes is being dragged across the ground by her hair. One of the masked shitheads is gripping onto her hair and yanking at it as he moves. He's snickering, but there's a foul look of intent on his face that sickens me.

The girl's clothes are ripped to shreds and there's so much blood that I can't really see where the wound, or wounds, are on her body. Possibly the most damaging would seems to be the one on her mouth. The girl's lips have been sown together with what looks like black thread. I recognise the dark arts spell from one of Regulus' books. Blood is drying all around her mouth, her lips torn and shredded. That would be why her screams are muffled.

She's writhing around frantically, but I think it's more from panic and the need to escape than pain.

Masked shithead number three lets out a low growl and stops abruptly. He points his wand down at the girl and hisses,

" _Crucio_."

The girl's body arches upwards unnaturally, her spine bending to a painfully awkward angle. More muffled screams try to escape from her sown mouth.

" _Hermione!_ " Harry breathes heatedly.

My gaze darts up to Harry's face, which is set in both revulsion and anguish, before returning to Hermione's battered form.

Hermione. The girl my friends have told me about. The genius muggleborn girl.

We _have_ to save her. She'll either die or be driven mad by curses and agony if we don't.

Harry already has his wand out. I take mine out too. My wand is special. Or at least that's what Regulus says. He called it the 'elder wand' once by mistake. I knew he hadn't meant to say it because of slight edge of panic that entered his eyes immediately after.

I couldn't find any mention of such wand in all the books I've read, which is a hell of a lot. I won this wand from Regulus during a duel when I was eleven and he told me to keep it. The wand had felt right, more so than the wand Regulus had previously given me to practice with. There was a gleam in Regulus' eyes when he told me to keep the wand that I didn't know how to interpret. I still don't really.

Only Kasper knows the truth about my wand. I think I'll probably keep it that way for the foreseeable future.

Without looking at him, I say to Harry,

"On three we both stun him."

I feel Harry nod. For the first time we let go of each other hands so that we can aim our wands at masked shithead number three and take off the cloak at the same time.

"One."

"Two."

"Three-"

We rip the invisibility cloak away and point our wands at masked shithead number three. I have a short moment to enjoy the look of surprise on his face before both Harry and I shout,

" _Expelliarmus_!"

Masked shithead number three is sent flying backwards, his wand going off in the other direction. Harry chases after masked shithead number three, and uses a body bind spell to stop him from getting back up and attacking us.

I rush over to Hermione and drop down to my knees beside her. Now that I'm closer, I can see where her actual wounds are. Harry joins me, dropping down on the other side of Hermione. Hermione's eyes are glazed over, and I worry that she might pass out.

Harry's teeth are gritted, and he looks like he wants to destroy a small village. Or kill some masked shitheads. His hair is even messier than it was before, which is almost impressive. He looks dishevelled and wrecked, but also strong and unwavering.

"Talk to her, Harry." I say to him. His gaze snaps up to meet mine, and I almost gasp at the wild glow of those green eyes. "Keep her focused and awake. I know enough healing spells to help her until we can get her some proper medical attention."

Harry dips his head in understanding. He reaches down to take hold of Hermione's hand.

"Hey, Hermione." Harry says, with surprising softness.

Hermione turns her head to look up at Harry. She still seems out of it, but that's the pain shock, a common occurrence when someone has been attacked using the cruciatus curse. Regulus made me read all about it.

Regulus also insisted that I read everything there was to know about medimagic. He got me books full of healing spells and even let me practice on him. Of course a lot of it is still theory to me because I've never had the chance to practice with major injuries.

Hermione has a few slashes across her stomach, but they don't look deep enough to prove fatal as long as I patch them up fast. My biggest worry is the wound on her mouth. There's dried blood all around her nose and I'm not sure if she can breathe properly.

Harry is murmuring kind, gentle words to Hermione. His expression deceptively calm.

"Remember me Hermione," he says, "Harry Potter. I'm that boy who you think gets into too much trouble." It's lightly teasing, and Hermione seems to be responding positively. Her eyes are more focused now, and I'm no longer concerned that she'll pass out on us.

I use healing spells on Hermione's more obvious slash wounds. It takes some time and concertation, but I manage it without too many problems. Again though, I'm more worried about her mouth.

"Are you breathing alright, Hermione?" I ask gently. I peer a bit closer at her face, whilst trying to look as confident as possible. For Hermione's sake more than anything.

"Squeeze my hand once for yes and twice for no." Harry says, lifting their joint hands slightly.

Hermione nods just a little and squeezes Harry's hand once.

Good, that's really good.

I think I know the counter curse for what's been done to Hermione's mouth, but I'm not sure if I should try it. The last thing I want is to make things worse.

"You know how to undo it." Harry says. We both know what he's talking about and it's not a question.

I give him a searching look. But Harry's expression remains composed and resolute.

"I think so." I say quietly, "But if I get it wrong…." I don't want, or need, to finish that sentence.

Harry understands, I can see it on his face. But he also looks frustrated. I feel the same say. We're caught at a crossroads. Eiether we wait for the Aurors to drive out shitheads incorporated, or I try to help Hermione now. I don't know which would be more damaging to Hermione. Her mouth is bleeding quite badly, and I think the curse is getting worse as time goes on.

This curse is one I've read about extensively, because Regulus told me it was one he'd used on another boy when he was thirteen. He'd found it in the dark arts section of the Black family library. Regulus told me he hadn't really known what it would do at the time.

It's called the 'black lace' curse, and it starts off by sowing the victims mouth closed with unbreakable magic in the form of black material. After a certain amount of time, the curse moves further into the victims mouth and sows the victims tongue to the bridge of their mouth and the skin of their gums is flayed open. Eventually the curse reaches the victims throat and then further down, sowing and piercing their lungs.

The 'black lace' curse is a very slow and tortuous way to die. It was created more for mental torture than physical. Slow acting curses usually are.

Hermione quite suddenly raises her over hand and grasps hold of my arm. She widens her eyes and I lean in closer, trying to understand. I panic that maybe the really is getting worse and that she'll die before I can help her. But Hermione just nods towards the hand which is still clasped with Harry. Then she squeezes Harry's hand once.

I think I understand now.

"Are you sure Hermione?" I ask her seriously, "I won't lie to you. I've never done this before. It could go wrong. But I do know the right spell to use to counteract the curse. Do you want me to try it?"

I really should have asked her to begin with. It's Hermione's decision if she wants to take a chance either way.

Hermione pauses, her eyes latching onto mine and dragging me under. She appears uncertain for a second. But then something on her face hardens decisively and she squeezes Harry's hand once. Hard.

Alright then.

I exchange a look with Harry. He nods at me and mouths 'you got this'. I'm not sure if I have got this or not, that's the problem. But it helps that Harry has faith in my abilities, even if I don't.

I swallow hard and bring my wand up to hover over Hermione's shredded and sown mouth. I will my magic to help as I say,

" _Xan shi kaz_."

I repeat the counter curse three times like the book I read recommended.

For a moment I hold my breath, internally panicking that I've gotten this wrong and that I've ruined everything.

But then the black material begins to dissolve and relief floods through me.

Once Hermione is able to part her lips again, I immediately start working on healing the wounds around and inside her mouth. Harry continues talking to Hermione in that same deep, soothing tone of his. I think Harry's controlled presence reassures both me and Hermione that everything is going to be alright.

When Hermione is mostly healed up, our previous problem resurfaces. We still need to get to somewhere safe. Hermione's attacker is knocked out cold, and for a single second I wish I was the kind of person who could easily kill someone.

But I'm not that kind of person at all, but there's not much point in dwelling on it.

Hermione seems to be dealing with everything quite well. But I have a feeling that's just the adrenaline and the shock. Once both wear off, I imagine she'll be a mess. Hell, I'll probably be a mess as well. We can all be fucked up together. Hur _ray_. Cue slow hand clap everyone.

Harry helps Hermione get to her feet. He takes off his jacket and gives it to Hermione. Hermione smiles at him gratefully. She turns to me and her eyes start to fill with tears. Hermione envelopes me in a hug, which catches me off guard, making me jump.

Harry smirks at me. I narrow my eyes at him from over Hermione's shoulder.

"Thank you. Thank you so much." Hermione's voice is ragged, for obvious reasons. But I can still understand her words.

I hug Hermione back carefully, mindful of torture she has endured tonight.

"No problemo." I say, and then wince internally. Why am I so crap at being a real person?

Hermione pulls away from me. There's a frown on her face. Shit.

"I'm sorry," I babble, "Please ignore all the words that come out of my face. Seriously. I can't really talk like a normal human. Just ask my friends, they'll all tell you how weird my brain is. Actually, you know my friends I think. Well, you all go to the same school so you've probably at least seen them. Hogwarts is big, I know that, and there's loads of students, and you're in different houses. So maybe you've never spoken to them before. Although Kasper, that's one of my before mentioned friends who could tell you I'm weird, told me he once asked you for some notes that he missed in charms class. He said you told him off for not paying attention, but that you still gave him the notes anyway. I thought that was nice of you, and it reminds me of my friend Cho, do you know her? She's another one of those people who can tell you I'm weird. She's a girl though. Not that you would know her just because she's a girl. That would probably be sexist, and Nana Mars always told me that all men should be feminists. She once took me to a feminists political rally in London and it was scary. Feminists are scary. They threw things. Not that all women are scary. Just the feminist ones who throw things and shout about castration and stuff. So, sorry, I didn't mean that because you're a girl you would automatically know another girl. I just meant that Cho is a girl instead of being a boy like Kasper. And me. And our other friend Terry who you might also know. Maybe."

I _hate_ my brain.

I look over at Harry, who has his lips pressed together in a tight line. I know he's trying not to laugh. I just _know_ it. That prick. That unfairly brave prick. Who I find weirdly attractive. Weird because, although Harry is fit in his own way, that's not what I find attractive about him. It's his strength and his ability to keep a level head in a terrifying situation and the way he kept both me and Hermione calm just by being there and talking to us.

Is it fucked up to think someone is sexy because of how _intensely_ valiant they are? I think maybe it is. I also think it's fucked up that I'm even thinking about this right now. I blame being a fourteen year old male. I blame it _hard_.

I almost fall over from shock when a sound bursts out of Hermione's now healed mouth. I would expect a cry of distress or a shout of anger. Not a bloody bark of laughter.

Hermione's looks just as surprised as I am about her outburst and she lifts a hand to touch her fingers to her lips.

"I'm sorry," Hermione says croakily, shaking her head, her eyes fixed on my face, "I don't mean to laugh, it's just…..what even **_are_** you? _Seriously_?"

I do not know how to answer that.

Luckily, or maybe not so luckily, Harry apparently does.

"You'd get it if you met his family." Harry says, and there is definitely humour in his voice now, the flaming _sod._

I will **end him**. _I have the power_!

"Hey, excuse me," I say, glowering at them both. But mostly at Harry. The git. "This is no time for your riff raffing around."

"My riff— _what_?" Harry's eyebrow quirks up.

"You heard me." I snap at him. "No being a major goat."

"Do you mean 'git'?" Harry asks.

"I know what I meant!" I glare at him.

Hermione's eyes keep darting between us, and she says,

"Ok, this is turning into a thing."

"This is not a _thing_." I say, scandalised. "There is no _thing_. You better get your eyes checked, Sabrina, because clearly you don't know when there is, and when there is not, a _thing_. Ask your eye doctor to test you for being able to see _things_. You probably don't even know what a _thing_ looks like."

Hermione gives me a once over thoughtfully. She turns to Harry and jerks a thumb back at me,

"Is he always like this?" she asks.

Harry shrugs one shoulder and says with a strange kind of smile,

"I honestly don't know. I only just met him today."

Hermione's eyes widen in shock. She looks back and forth between us a few times. I scowl at Harry. He smirks back at me.

I hate him.

Hermione says, looking confused,

"For serious? I thought you were, like, best friends or something."

I scoff,

"I would never be friends with the likes of him." I point at Harry.

Harry rolls his eyes at me,

"Likes of me, huh? Who exactly are the likes of me?"

I resist the urge to throw something at his face. It's a near thing. There are some rocks over that might work for me.

"People who stare all the time. That's rude. Why has _no one_ been taught not to do this? It's very important to learn." I say in irritation.

Harry giving me a mock hurt look,

"I do not stare at you all the time."

"Yeah you do." Hermione and I say at the same time.

Ha!

"Go team! Up top." I raise my hand for a high five, and wonder of all wonders, Hermione actually slaps her hand against mine.

Ok, seriously, this must be the shock right? Because we are still in a very dangerous situation with no chance of escape.

Apparently we don't care about that. Not if there is snark to be dealt out.

"But you said you liked my nostrils." Harry says forlornly.

"No, I said they were top notch. I said nothing about liking them. Don't misquote me." I say narrowly, "Because I _will_ sue."

"You told him he has top notch nostrils after having only just met him." Hermione says, eyeing me suspiciously.

"He babbled things at me too." Harry says warmly, "It was really weird and funny and stupid and epic."

"I hope you get eaten a swarm of pandas." I tell him very seriously.

"Yeah," Hermione says, nodding knowingly, "It's definitely a thing."

I tip my head back and groan. For fucks sake.

I'm about to retort with something scathing, like for real it would have been the most scathingly scathing thing you'd ever seen, read or heard, but I don't get the chance.

"DRAGON!" I hear Reglus yell from…..somewhere.

"HARRY!" I hear Sirius yell from….somewhere.

"Where are they?" Harry says, looking all around us for signs of our guardians.

"Do you mean them?" Hermione asks, pointing over my shoulder.

I turn around and instantly spot Regulus and Sirius standing just outside the wards.

Thank Merlin!

Regulus looks almost painfully relieved to see me safe and not at all dead.

"Don't worry." He calls out to us, "We're gonna knock this bitch down and save you!"

Regulus aims his wand at the ward and does an unspoken spell. It's a spell of his own creation that breaks down pretty much any ward in existence. No wonder Voldemort wanted him around with a skill like that.

"Are you alright?" Sirius shouts over to us as Regulus' spell starts to crack through the ward.

"We're fine!" Harry shouts back.

Why are we shouting and not just going over to them? This is stupid.

I hold out my hand to Hermione,

"Come on, you'll be safe with us."

Harry offers her his other hand and says,

"We'll protect you, Hermione. I promise."

And just like the promise he made to me, I know he means it down to his bones.

Hermione only hesitates for about a second before taking our hands.

Harry and I move quickly towards Regulus, Sirius, and relative safety.

When we reach the cracked ward however, both Sirius and Regulus are staring at the sky. Horror mirrored on their faces.

I'm confused until I turn around and see it. A jet of green light that bursts like a firework into the sky, but then turns to smoke. That eerily green smoke, the green of the killing curse, morphs into a symbol.

A skull with a snake coming out its mouth. The dark mark.

My lightning bolt scar burns painfully. Harry reaches up to rub at his, a pained look on his face.

Our eyes catch once again, but instead of uncertainty or fear, all I see is grim determination.

Harry mouths to me,

" _We got this_."

Do we?

I mouth back,

" _We got this_."

Not like there's much of a choice.

Right?

* * *

 ** _Special shout out to- Misskymm,piglett and Maya Poltergeist-MY UNICORN BRETHREN I SALUTE YOU! xxx_**

 ** _Thank you to everyone for reading, please review! xxx_**


	6. Pink smarty brownies

**_I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER OR ANYTHING CREATED BY JK ROWLING. But in an alternative universe I do, so that's something. I think that alternative universe is right next to the one where I'm the King of the mouse people and wear nothing but capes all the time._**

* * *

Chapter six: Pink smarty brownies

"People are going absolutely batshit over the attack." Sirius says, shaking his head whilst staring down at a copy of the most recent Prophet newspaper.

It's been over a week since that night at the Qudditch world cup. Sirius and Regulus broke through the wards set up by shithead bloody incorporated. They wasted no time in apparating me, Harry and Hermione away from the campsite. We landed on Colbie beach. All my family and friends were still there waiting for us. They looked like a weird reverse version of the people who waved off the Titanic.

I stayed on the ground, slumped on my knees, for a good few seconds just so I could let myself breathe. Relief and belated panic went to war inside me. I couldn't believe we'd somehow gotten out of that awful place alive. It defied logic and reason. But then, maybe I should be used to that considering the scar on my forehead and everything that it represents.

As soon as I stood up I was immediately attacked by Cho, who hugged me half to death. She was quickly joined by Kasper, Terry and Webster who all jumped on us. We ended up sprawled in a dog pile on the sand, with me at the bottom struggling to breathe, my chest crushed under my friend's joint weight.

I shouted at them all to get the hell off of me, because they were all fat shits and clearly needed to go on a collective diet straight away. It got a bark of laughter out of me though, which fortunately chased away the darkness from my mind for a while.

It was Nana Mars who yanked me out from underneath everyone and pulled me into an even tighter and more death defying embrace. I wriggled around, attempting to escape with my life intact. But Nana Mars is surprisingly strong for an old lady. I blame the Netball muscles. Netball muscles are to be revered.

Nana Mars knocked me over the head several times with a pink crystal she just 'happened' to have on her for some reason. I've learnt not to ask Nana Mars where she gets her crystals from. The last time I tried to question their existence, Nana Mars threw blue powder in my face and said ' _that is for me and my inside man at Wooky hole to worry about, mind your own business. Now go and get me some pebbles, I need to finish this soup'._ The soup was blue. I got her the pebbles from the beach and Nana Mars dropped them into the 'soup'. She made me and Regulus eat it against our will by threatening to turn us in to what she called the 'wizard cops'. She threatened us with that at least once a week.

Regulus has tried to tell her that they're called 'Aurors'. But Nana Mars refuses to call the 'wizard cops' Aurors on the grounds that 'Aurors' is a stupid made up word. Regulus argues that Nana Mars makes up words all the time. Nana Mars just keeps telling him that she has old lady rights, which means she can do whatever the fuck she wants and Regulus will just have to deal with it or sleep in the shed. Again.

Regulus told me once that our life with Nana Mars is like living a much scarier version of Voldemort. I argued the validity of that, since Voldemort was a very dangerous and feared Dark Lord, and Nana Mars is an old lady who thinks that rocks can talk telepathically. But only with people who truly 'believe'. To be fair, that makes it very hard to disprove.

Regulus just smirked at me and said ' _that may be true. But Voldemort never convinced an entire town to create a new holiday called 'Witch week' and proclaimed himself a 'BWQ' of Colbie'_. He had a point. That was one brutal town meeting. 'BWQ' stands for 'Badass Witch Queen' by the way.

Our town meetings always end weirdly. Hell, they _start_ weirdly. Alright, fine, the weirdness is pretty much a constant theme throughout. Especially since someone made the insane mistake of giving Nana Mars a gavel to bang.

Once Kasper had managed to pry me away from Nana Mars, just as my skin had started to turn blue from lack of oxygen, Kasper gave me another long hug on the ground and whispered into my ear ' _scare me like that again and I'll kill you myself'_. I hugged him back just a bit tighter, pressing a kiss the underside of his ear to let him know that I understood.

Fiona and Quinton hugged me next, both of them at the same time. Fiona told me off for almost getting my face murdered, and Quinton said that they would have to tag me before I could leave Colbie again because I was clearly a flight risk. That brought up an argument between Fiona and Quinton about if being a 'flight risk' is a real thing or just some bullshit used in crime TV shows.

Mai and Jian kissed me on the cheek, which is as affectionate as either of them ever really get, even with Cho. I feel weirdly honoured every time the Chang's bestow upon me the kind of care and love they show their own daughter. Mai cupped my face and told me to never get into that kind of trouble again. Jian nodded along with his wife obediently, but when she turned away, he whispered a question about what spells I'd used to escape my not-so-inevitable fate. He sounded proud of me. It was a nice feeling, despite everything.

Chadwick ruffled my hair and squeezed my arm. His eyes betrayed him though as they were filled with genuine concern. Chadwick and I have a somewhat rocky relationship due my friendship with his younger brother and cousin, and more recently because of his 'non'-relationship with Cedric. But I know he cares about me, and I care about him too. We're part of the same family after all, even if it's not by blood.

Quinton's brother, Xander, and Xander's husband Zane both gave me a hug. Xander looks a lot like his brother, his body is compact and his eyes are the same shade of hazel. Zane is impossibly tall, with jet black curls and almost black eyes. They're both handsome and powerful wizards. It was Xander and Zane who helped me perfect my protonus charm. My protonus is a white fox, which I was rather pleased with at the time.

Mr Diggory even gave me a pat on the back and a relieved smile. He told me ' _We wouldn't want to lose you, son'_. That wasn't the first time he called me that. Mr Diggory used to call me 'son' all the time when his wife was still alive. But after she died I went back to being just Kasper's friend. It's strange to think that maybe Mr Diggory just found it hard to love anyone other than his sons after he lost his wife. That thought makes me want to give him more of chance in the future, and possibly push Kasper into doing the same.

After that surprising show of _wuv_ from Mr Diggory, I dreaded looking at Cedric. I already knew that he was pissed off. I saw it when he left the campsite, and I saw it when I landed back on Colbie beach that night. He was giving me this hard stare like I'd personally wrong him in some way. It left me feeling a bit hollow to see such a betrayed look in his eyes.

Cedric didn't hug me, or tell me that he was glad I'd gotten home safe. He did watch me though. His fathomless grey eyes took me in from head to toe over and over again, like he couldn't believe I was actually standing there whole and unharmed.

Physically at least. Mentally I'm still not one hundred percent even after a week of trying to push those horrific images of people being murdered out of my head.

Regulus and Nana Mars keep trying to talk to me about it, but I don't really know what there is to say. What happened, happened, and there's not much anyone can do about it. Most of the time all I can really concentrate on is the fact that someone, some major arsehole to be more exact, created the dark mark in the sky, which has henceforth made everyone in the wizarding world scared shitless.

"Who is this Rita Skeeter bint?" Terry asks, peering over Sirius' shoulder at the newspaper article.

Sirius makes a face and says,

"That 'bint' works for the Prophet. She's a reporter and the word 'bint' is a bit too polite a word for her."

"Isn't she the same bint who tried to write an exposé book about our family when we were in school?" Regulus says, his nose wrinkled up in distaste.

"Yep, that'd be the bint I was referring to." Sirius says with a tired grin.

"Can we stop using the word 'bint', please?" Cho scolds them, her eyes narrowing at the Black brothers.

"Yeah, bozos, stop using inappropriate language." Kasper says, smirking jovially. "There are young and impressionable children around here, you know. Think of them and their fragile minds."

Kasper is looking at me when he says that, laughter dancing in his eyes. I shoot him a glare and poke my tongue out. I think about kicking him in the face. But of course then I'd have to lift my leg up that high and the effort for such a task seems momentarily daunting. I throw a dog toy at his face instead, which automatically sets Sirius off.

Not the human, obviously, but our dog Sirius.

Siri barks like crazy and tries to jump up onto Kasper's chest. Kasper picks Siri up and starts teasing him with the blue rubber dog toy.

It used to be a squeaky toy, but Regulus only put up with that for half an hour before he used a butcher knife to cut out the squeaky thing and then fixed the dog toy using silver duct tape. Of course that led to Siri accidentally eating and swallowing the little squeaky thing. We took him to the vets and they told us they could do surgery, but since the squeaky thingy was so small, it'd be better if we just let Siri pass it through his system naturally with the help of some medication.

Siri went around for the next week making a high squeaking sound every time he barked. It was hilarious. Mostly because it drove Regulus up the wall. Sometimes I'd wait until Regulus was in the room and then get Siri to bark on purpose. Whenever I did that Regulus would give me the look of death and hiss _'I should have left you at an orphanage. In fact, I should take you to one right now. See how clever you are after a month of nothing but gruel and busting your arse in a workhouse'_.

I told him that not all orphans lead the life of Oliver Twist anymore. Regulus said that was a shame, because he'd probably get a good price for me, what with me being blond and pretty and all that. Nana Mars came in then, having heard God only knows how much of the conversation between me and Regulus. Actually it was less of a conversation and more of a snarking match.

Nana Mars hit Regulus with a pointy crystal and ordered him to stop threatening to pimp me out, because I didn't have the nerve to work the streets anyway. That led to me arguing that I _did_ have the nerve to work the streets. I'd regretted that argument as soon as I'd made it.

Kasper laughs when Siri climbs up onto his shoulder and tries to scramble up and over his head to get to the dog toy.

At least Kasper is sitting on the sofa so it's unlikely either of them will get hurt. I say 'unlikely' because I wouldn't put anything past Siri, who has the uncanny ability to injure himself even when he's not doing anything excessively dangerous.

I once saw him trip, which was actually hilarious because I didn't even know dogs could trip like that, over a small stone on the beach and he quite literally face planted the sand. Then Siri made a huffy sound and sneezed, causing his tiny body to flip over, landing on his back inside a rock pool. Siri had a spaz attack when a tiny crab tried to assault him.

Regulus told me off for letting 'his dog' get attacked by a crab. He said Siri was traumatised and that's why Regulus had no choice but to let Siri sleep in his bed.

Idiot.

Sirius, the human, did not find it at all amusing that we'd named our little black pug after him. Regulus on the other hand found great joy in saying things about Sirius and then pretending he was talking to our dog instead when Sirius got mad.

"I still can't believe you named that ugly mutt 'Sirius'." Sirius, the human, says, eyeing Sirius, the dog, in annoyance.

"I just missed you." Regulus says pleasantly, giving his brother a sickly sweet smile.

"You missed being someone's pain in the arse on a daily basis, more like." Sirius mutters crossly.

I raise a hand and say,

"Um, actually, I'm pretty sure _**I**_ provided that role over the last thirteen years. But you feel free to take him back. I won't even fight you for him."

" _Traitor_!" Regulus accuses, leaning over to poke me on the nose.

"And I'd do it again!" I shout triumphantly and start cackling evilly the way Nana Mars taught me.

Nana Mars and I once watched that film 'Twilight' together. We watched it in stony silence the whole way through, because that's what happens when you watch a train wreck in slow motion. When it was over Nana Mars turned off the TV, looked over at me, and said ' _that was the gayest thing I've ever seen. Officially. And I've been to gay pride in San Francisco. We should go and watch some gay porn so that we can watch something more intellectually stimulating and less gay than the movie we just endured_ '. Maybe that should have sounded offensive, but Nana Mars said it with such genuine dismay that all I could do was laugh.

Regulus and I have been arguing on and off for the last week about me going to Hogwarts. Of course, after the attack, he insisted that I should stay home again this year. I refused to even acknowledge the idea. I don't bloody care if itself Hogwarts is attacked, I'm going to boarding school with my friends and that's the end of it.

It was actually Sirius who managed to convince Regulus to let it go in the end. He said I'd be safer at Hogwarts than anywhere else, and that he and Regulus would be there this year anyway to keep an eye on him and Harry. Of course Sirius doesn't know that I'm in just as much danger as Harry if Voldemort's followers start something up again, and Regulus still wants to keep it that way.

I feel weirdly guilty for lying to Harry, especially after what we went through together, but I get why Regulus thinks we should keep my true identity a secret. Well, my family know who I am, and that's all that matters in the end. Even if I think it's crappy not to let Harry in on the truth too.

Webster and Chadwick went home a few days ago with a promise to 'see us soon'. There was a certain mischievous twinkle in Webster's eyes that made me suspicious, but maybe it was just my imagination.

Regulus and Sirius took Hermione home to her muggle parents the morning after the attack. I was sad to see her go, but then I reminded myself that I would see her at Hogwarts anyway soon enough. Hermione sounded glad that I would be coming to Hogwarts this year and she promised to help me with any homework. I said I'd hold her to that.

I decided that I wouldn't mind being in Gryffindor if any of them are like Hermione. I wouldn't really mind being in Slytherin either, although I think spending so much time in close proximity to Harry would be weird. I'm pretty sure I'd end up either assassinating him out of sheer frustration, or doing something even worse. Like….develop a crush on the bastard. Now that would be truly terrifyingly stupid.

I'd be better off getting a crush on bloody Professor Dumbledore. I mean…I do think beards are cool. But not in a sexy way. I really need to stop this train of thought right now before I start imagining a bearded Dumbledore using his beard to do a sexy dance—oh my fuck, too late! Abort! Abort! Bad brain! Stop it right now!

Harry looks up at me from his place on the other side of the living room where he's playing chess with Cho, his green eyes stark and piercing into my skin. Those eyes narrow slightly, probably because of the horrified look on my face, and he asks,

"What are you thinking about Drake?"

That earns him a collective groan from everyone in the room.

Cho says,

"Oh, Merlin, take it back! Quick!"

Kasper says,

"You never ask Dray that question. _Never._ "

Terry says,

"Holy shit, here we go again."

I don't even have the concentration within me to glare at my mates for being major toss pots. I'm too busy opening my mouth and answering Harry,

"I was thinking about what house I wanted to be in. At Hogwarts. Obviously. I always thought I'd be in Ravenclaw, because I like learning and reading and all my friends are in that house. But I've started to wonder about the other houses too. I like Hermione a lot, and if she's in Gryffindor then Gryffindor must be an ok house even though Terry always says that Gryffindor is only for loud mouths who recklessly risk their lives on a whim. He said it like an insult, but since that description fits him perfectly I don't get why. Maybe he should have been in Gryffindor. Maybe the sorting hat makes mistakes. That worries me because if the sorting hat makes mistakes then it, or is it a 'he', might make a mistake with me and put me in the wrong house and if I get put in the wrong house then I might hate it and then I could hate Hogwarts as well. I don't want to hate Hogwarts because it took me years to convince Reg- _Dad_ to let me go there with my friends. Then I thought about maybe being in Slytherin because you would be there and I wouldn't mind that, but what if spending so much time together made us…um….sort of…stuff. And _then_ I thought about Professor Dumbledore and how he has a beard and how I think beards are cool, but not sexy, which made me imagine Dumbledore doing a dirty dance with his beard, like swinging it around and—um…my brain shut itself down after that. To protect itself. Like in those psychological thriller films where someone gets tortured and they go into their head to escape the pain. But this time instead of pain it was me thinking about Dumbledore doing a lap dance with his beard."

I gasp, bend over at the waist and try to suck in as much oxygen as possible. Shit, that was a long one.

Everyone is staring at me, which, again, _rude_. But the only gaze I can feel on my face like a slap, is Harry's. I look at him and realise he's openly gaping. Again.

After a brief silence, Regulus shakes his head and says,

"I blame myself. I really do."

Sirius nods at his brother and says,

"We blame you too."

…

"I will miss you. I will miss your face and your limbs and your tummy and your toes and your silly brain that doesn't work properly." Nana Mars says as she squeezes the life out of me.

We arrived at Kings Cross station a good hour before the Hogwarts express is meant to leave. Mostly so Nana Mars would have enough time to say goodbye to me at least a bazillion times.

This is the bazillion and one time that she's tried to suffocate me with love.

I can't remember Nana Mars being this bad since my first day of primary school. Nana Mars made me a Thomas the tank engine bag for all the books I wanted to take to school with me.

She also packed the bag with a box of brownies she'd made with pink food colouring and pink smarties. It was most epically gay food I've ever eaten, and they were delicious. It's a good thing I've never had anyone psychoanalyse me. I'm not sure I'd like to know what they would come up with.

I manage to wrestle myself away from Nana Mars, at great personal risk to my arm sockets. I take a few steps away from the most incredible woman I will ever know and let myself look her over properly. She's wearing a sequined blue dress, sparkly tights, fluffy slippers, a big blue fluffy coat that looks like she killed and skinned Sully from Monsters Ink, and to finish it all off she's wearing a blue hat. A fedora. With a feather. A peacock feather. Because reasons.

Nana Mars has also got on her usual crystal jewellery. Blue crystal rings and necklaces and earrings and a tongue piercing that I sometimes forget she has.

Never has there been a woman more epic than Nana Mars, and I will fight anyone who says otherwise. To the death. Because that's what Nana Mars would want.

A woman who took me aside when I was five years old and trying not to cry because I was afraid to go to school without my Nana Mars and my Regulus who I loved with everything inside me in the all-consuming way only a five year old boy can love. This woman pulled me away from the entrance to Colbie primary and knelt down in front of me. She took one look at the stubborn little frown on my face and said,

 _"Now, you listen to me Draco Black. There are a lot of things in this life that will knock you down. Things, bad things and bad people, who will try to make you feel like you don't matter, or that what you care about isn't important. We are people. We are human. We are not naturally good or kind or strong. Those are things we choose to be. Those are things we work hard every day of our lives to be and become and stay that way even when it would be easier not to. And it's always easier not to. I know you are five years old. But you are clever, Draco. You are five years old and you are clever. And brave. And kind. And weird. And one day I believe the world will know that you are extraordinary. I believe this because you already extraordinary to **me**. It's ok to be afraid, Draco. Everyone is afraid sometimes. It is not fear that makes us weak. It is our reaction to our fear that makes us who we are. I've just told you who I think you are. But don't take my word for it. Decide for yourself."_

Nana Mars gripped my think shoulders in her bony, crystal ringed, fingers and looked me dead in eye.

 _"Remember this, Draco, for it is the most important thing I will ever say to you. No one can tell you who or what you are. The only person who can decide that, is **you**."_

I stared at her then. A five year old boy who lost his parents when he was one, because of a man who knew nothing of love and never will. A five year old boy who was stolen in the night by a man who felt nothing but regret. A five year old boy who has a scar on his forehead in the shape of a lightning bolt. A five year old boy who was afraid of going to school because he thought maybe his Nana Mars and his Regulus would leave him there alone and never come back.

I was a five year old boy when I said to my Nana Mars,

" _Promise me you'll still be here when it's time to go home."_

I am a fourteen year old boy, and I say to my Nana Mars,

"You don't have to wait for me this time. I'll come find you. At home. You'll be there when I come back?"

Nana Mars gives me a smile that is both proud and sad. She gives me the same answer that she did when I was five.

"I promise."

I hadn't believed her back then. I knew she couldn't mean it. Nana Mars, although she was amazing and weird and wonderful, would not wait all day outside the school gates for me.

I was five years old, and Nana Mars proved me wrong.

Nana Mars and Regulus waited outside the primary school gates. They waited for me inside her car. They talked and read and argued over Netflix on Nana Mars' IPad and ate the packed lunch Nana Mars brought with her, which she wouldn't share with Regulus because it wasn't her fault that he hadn't come prepared.

Those two insane and inexplicably extraordinary people waited for me. Because Nana Mars promised they would.

I remembered that promise. And I will always remember what Nana Mars said to me that day. I won't ever forget what that promise meant to me.

I reach out and take Nana Mars' hand in mine. She squeezes hard and I nod in understanding, because this is it. This moment right here. Our lives have changed, and even though I am glad for it, I will still miss Nana Mars and everything that she is to me.

"Come on, we have to go Dray!" Kasper grabs hold of my hand and tugs on it.

I turn away from Nana Mars and allow myself to be pulled through the magical barrier between platforms nine and ten.

Regulus and Sirius already left for Hogwarts last night as they needed to get things ready for when all the students arrive today. I still can't believe Dumbledore actually hired Regulus to be a teacher. Like in reality. A teacher. A teacher who is supposed to teach things. To _youths_. Regulus despises 'youths'. He tells me so on a regular basis. He says they're all obnoxious, annoying, whingy, smart mouthed little shits. I said if that was the case then he should fit in just fine.

When we reach the other side of the barrier, I take a moment to marvel at the Hogwarts express. I don't have much time for that though, as I'm already being man handled by my friends towards an open carriage on the train.

It's both nice and weird that my friends are as excited about me going to Hogwarts as I am. Cho has spent the last week obsessively telling me all of the things she thinks I need to know about Hogwarts. I already re-read her copy of Hogwarts, a history. Terry has been telling me over and over again about all the secret passages he's found in the past three years and how he'll show me when it's ok to break the rules and get away with it. I don't know what rules he thinks I'll even want to break, but he seemed excited so I didn't burst his maniac bubble. Kasper just seems content with my presence at his side. I'm pretty sure he isn't going to let me out of his sight for the first few months of school.

The only person who I'm worried about seeing at Hogwarts is Cedric. We still haven't talked since the campsite attack, and I' beginning to worry that he might actually be pissed at me for real. I still don't quite get why he's so angry, but I suppose only time will tell on that front. I can't force Cedric not to be pissed at me. He'll just have to come around on his own. I refuse to even contemplate the idea that he won't forgive me at some point.

Getting all of our crap into one compartment proves to be an almost impossible task. It wouldn't be so bad if it were just our trunks, but I also have Mr Big and Tiny in their massive cage. We make do though, and it is kind of funny when we end up practically led down on top of each other just so we can all fit.

I wonder for a moment where Harry has gotten off to. I saw him on the train platform, but then he was just gone. He probably found his friends in another compartment and went to sit with them. I know from what Harry's told that he has two best friends in Slytherin, a boy named Maxamillion Malfoy, and girl named Astoria Greengrass. I'm kind of interested to meet the kind of people who Harry would befriend in a house known for its unfriendliness.

I already know about Max Malfoy, since all my friends sent me letters about him during my first year wanting to know how we're are related. I asked Regulus and he told he didn't know either. We asked Mr Diggory to find out for us.

It turns out that my father, Lucius, had a squib brother who was struck from the family tree when he decided to leave the magical world and lead a muggle existence in America instead. That brother then had a son. A son named Max.

My friends told me that Max has brown-tinged skin, probably from his Latina mother, black hair buzzed close to his scalp, and eyes that are identical to mine in shape and colour. They also said he has an attitude. Big time.

It'll probably be weird to be around someone I'm directly related to. But then, it's not like he's gonna take one look at me and go ' _aha! Hello my long lost cousin that I didn't even know existed. We should probably announce that you are my cousin so that everyone can know something I didn't even know since we've never met before'_. Yeah, somehow that's a little far-fetched even for my overactive imagination.

When we're an hour into our train journey, Kasper turns to me and asks a question I'm pretty sure has been playing on his mind for a while. I could see it waiting there behind his eyes for days, but I know it's never a good idea to push Kasper into saying something if he doesn't want to.

"So, what's the verdict on Harry Potter?"

"Verdict?" I ask, pretending to play it cool.

Kasper snorts out a laugh and says,

"Nice try, Dray. You've been going all googly eyed on him since you met."

I see Cho stop reading and put her book down. She's watching me now, and I feel weirdly guilty in a way that makes no sense.

Terry stops listening to music on his IPod and looks at me with a smirk on his face. I just know he's going to tease me until the end of forever no matter what I say about Harry. He's a tosser like that when it comes to me.

"I do not have googly eyes for Harry Potter. He's weird and annoying and now he's my friend. That's it."

Liar.

Liar.

Pants.

On.

Fire.

Shhhh, brain, now is not the time. _It's never the time with you_. That's because you make me say stupid stuff. _That's what I'm here for, so suck it up._

Ugh.

Terry says gleefully,

"Wow, you're, like, in love with him. Are you two going to have a whirlwind romance this year? Will you forget all about us and run off into the sunrise with the saviour of the wizarding world? Don't worry, Kas and I will make sure he treats you right, we'll give him 'the talk'."

Kasper and Terry both bust a gut laughing at me.

"First off, it's sun ** _set_** , you big dummy." I say, glaring at a still laughing Terry. "Secondly, don't either of you **_dare_** try and give Harry 'the talk', whatever the fuck that is.

"Yeah, seriously," Cho says with a sympathetic nod at me, "leave Harry alone. You'll frighten him."

Terry makes a fist and punches his open palm,

"That's the whole point, Cho. We need to protect our weakest link from getting eaten by a rival pack."

"I am not a bloody omega wolf, you twatwaffle!" I shout at Terry empathically.

"Twatwaffle?" Kasper says slowly, as if tasting the word on his tongue.

"That's a new one." Cho says with a sigh.

"We just don't want you to get hurt." Terry frowns seriously, which makes me oddly nervous. Terry is very rarely serious about anything.

I roll my eyes and say firmly,

"I do not have a thing for Harry Potter. I do not need protecting from him, or anyone else. This year will be fun and carefree and all the bad shit can fuck off for once. Got it?" I look at each of my friends in turn.

"Whatever you want." Kasper says, giving me a light kiss on the jaw.

"Got it, weirdo." Cho says, reaching out to pinch me.

"Fine." Terry says. He crosses his arms and points at me, "But if anyone gives you trouble then I'll kick their arse all over the courtyard."

"Me too. We will bring the pain." Kasper says, and he high fives Terry.

Cho scoffs and mutters,

" _Boys_."

"I know, we suck." I say wryly.

"You really do." Cho says, looking back over at Kasper, who doesn't appear to notice. There's sadness in her eyes. It worries me.

"Things'll be good this year." I tell Cho. Her eyes snap back up to meet mine.

"You think?" She asks hopefully.

"It better be or Regulus will never stop whining about how we never should have come to Hogwarts in the first place. Because he's a big baby."

"Oh Merlin, I cannot picture Regulus being a teacher." Cho makes an apprehensive face.

"No one who has met Regulus would picture him as anything but an insane person with zero filter between his mouth and brain." I say.

Cho smirks at me again,

"Hmmm, yeah, I suppose you had to get it from somewhere."

I scowl at her,

"Go to so much hell that it isn't even funny."

"Terry is always saying you and Regulus are exactly alike." Cho says teasingly.

I look at Terry, who is distracted by a game of wizard poker with Kasper, and snap at him,

"Terry, join Cho in hell."

Without even looking up from his cards, Terry says,

"Will do."

Yeah, this is gonna be a good year.

Maybe.

Damn it.

* * *

 ** _Special shout out- Maya Poltergeist,Misskymm and piglet-THANK YOU MY UNICORN BRETHREN! I wuv you will all of my spiky heart and fluffy soul! x_**

 ** _Thank you everyone for reading and please review! x_**


	7. The infamous Hat Interrogation

**_I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER OR ANYTHING CREATED BY JK ROWLING. But in an alternative universe I do, so that's something. I think that alternative universe is right next to the one where I'm the King of the mouse people and wear nothing but capes all the time._**

* * *

Chapter seven: The infamous Hat Interrogation

 _Well, hello there._

 **Um, hi….sir.**

Is that how you're supposed to address a sentient hat? I've never spoken to a hat before. Apart from maybe Nana Mars' lucky hat. It's shaped like a koala. She wears it to parties and weddings and funerals and…pretty much anywhere you could conceivably wear a hat. Sometimes she would wear it for other things as well, like my year six sports day. She made me kiss it before very race.

At first I outright refused to kiss the koala hat, but Nana Mars asked me to trust her, and because Nana Mars is the best person ever, I kissed the damn koala hat. Then I won a race for the first time in my entire life, and after that I kissed the koala hat every single time. I won almost all the races that year. It was a miracle. I never doubted Nana Mars again.

 _Oh 'sir' is it?_

 **I don't know _, is it_?**

 _You're the first child to ever call me 'sir'._

 **What, like, _ever_? What do they usually call you then?**

 _Hogwarts students don't 'usually' call me anything except 'the sorting hat'._

 **Well that's rude. What is your name?**

 _The sorting hat._

 **Nah, that's your title. What's your _name_?**

 _My name is The Sorting Hat._

 **Hold on, did you just capitalise it?**

 _Of course. It's my name._

 **Fair dues. Sounds a bit….uppity, but ok. Why is your name just 'The Sorting Hat'?**

 _I am called The Sorting Hat because I'm a hat. And I sort students into their houses._

 **Right, right, thank you snarky pants. If you had pants. I don't think hats have pants. Do hats have pants? Do pants have hats? Is the 'The' actually part of your name or not?**

 _I don't understand the pants questions. Why would a hat need pants?_

 **Hats could want pants, how should I know? I don't know anything about hat culture or whatever. Really, why does anyone need pants? That's the real question. But I don't think we should get too philosophical about it right now.**

 _Philosophical about pants. Right._

 **Yeah. There's probably some kind of study about that already out there. I'll look it up tonight, we can talk about it later.**

 _I don't think we should do that. Ever. And what did you mean when you asked if the 'The' is a compulsory part of my name?_

 **Well, my name is Draco, just Draco, and people never call me The Draco. So is the 'The' just part of the title or is it actually part of your name?**

 _I'm confused. You're confusing. I'm hundreds of years old and I've never been confused before. I don't like it. I want this to be over now._

 **I'm sorry, I'm just kind of nervous. Please don't unleash your hat rage on me. I'm too young to die, and I really don't want to be murdered by a hat. Wait, hold on, does that sound a bit hatist to you? Have you met many hataphobes? Is that why they never call you sir?**

There's a very long pause, and I can feel the eyes of everyone in the great hall burning into me. I purposefully don't look at my friends because I know they'll probably just make me laugh. And this is serious. I'm about to be sorted. This could affect my entire future.

Mostly because Regulus said he would disown me if I got sorted into Hufflepuff (because Hufflepuff's are, in his words, 'just giggling bees disguised as people'.

Terry said he would disown me if I got sorted into Gryffindor (because he thinks all Gryffindor's are incompetent obnoxious imbeciles. His arch nemesis is a Gryffindor named Neville Longbottom. I haven't had the chance to officially meet Neville, but Cho pointed him out to me. He fell out of the carriages on our way to Hogwarts and face planted a puddle. It was both sad and outrageously amusing. Mostly because a big toad jumped out of the carriage and landed on Neville's head, consequently pushing his face further into the dirty puddle).

Cedric said he would disown me if I got sorted into anywhere that isn't Hufflepuff (because he wants to keep a closer eye on me. Probably to make sure I don't get kidnapped by a staircase, or used as a human sacrifice during a Defense against the Dark Arts lesson by accident).

Kasper said he would disown me if I got sorted into Slytherin (because he doesn't want to be 'in league' with a 'future supervillain'. I told Harry that and he laughed so hard that he fell off his chair).

Cho said she would disown me if I don't get into Ravenclaw (because she's tired of having to deal with Terry and Kasper all by herself. I understand her point, they can be very annoying when they want to be. Which is most of the time actually).

Nana Mars said she would never disown me no matter what house I get into. Unless I get sorted into 'Unicornfang'. I told her there isn't a house at Hogwarts called 'Unicornfang'. Nana Mars just smirked at me and said ' _not yet'_. And because I value my life, I decided not to ask any questions about whatever Unicornfang is, was, or ever could be. There's nothing wrong with having a healthy sense of self-preservation.

Especially since last time I questioned Nana Mars about something her response left me feeling so dizzy and confused that I had to lie down for the rest of the day.

As I'm trying very hard not to look at my friends, I accidentally manage to catch Harry's eye. He's smirking at me, looking so God damn amused that it makes me want to smack him. In the face. With a chair.

Those vivid green eyes of his lock onto mine and hold them steady. I feel a buzzing sensation start up in my chest. Pinpricks of awareness brush across my skin, like nails scratching at my scar. It's somehow both painful and pleasurable at the same time. I don't like it.

Harry just keeps on smiling at me, seemingly pleased about _something_. I hate him.

I hope a flock of pandas kidnap Harry and eat him so I never have to see his face again. Damn him and stupid captivating eyes. Damn them to….purgatory maybe. Damning them to hell seems like a bit much. I don't want to be outright mean.

On either side of Harry are two students I think I recognise from Harry's description of them. Max and Astoria.

The boy, Max, looks like he's about two seconds away from beating something, or someone, into the ground. His cheek bones are sharp and along with his buzzed haircut and overall imposing air, he gives off a dangerous vibe. My friends were right though, his eyes are identical to mine in both colour and shape. Although the look in them is decidedly more closed off than I think mine have ever been.

The girl, Astoria, sitting on the other side of Harry is beautiful in the way a china doll is beautiful. Her features are almost scarily perfect, and her skin is pure pale porcelain. She has cool mint green eyes that are a much lighter shade than Harry's. Her hair is much like mine, white-blond and made almost shimmery by candlelight.

I wonder what kind of friends they are to Harry. I also wonder what they'll think of me and Harry becoming friends. They've clearly noticed Harry staring at me. To be fair he's not being very subtle about it. Harry isn't very subtle about much of anything though. I don't know how he gets along in Slytherin with a face that reveals all of his emotions almost constantly.

Max and Astoria don't make it obvious that they've noticed Harry's _bloody_ staring. In fact they both seem rather well composed.

I bet Nana Mars would destroy them with her strangeness. Sometimes half the fun of knowing Nana Mars is watching her meet other people and seeing them react her bizarre epicness. Usually by crying, laughing or running away. Possibly all three at once in some cases.

The Sorting Hat (if that even is his _real_ name) interrupts my internal moment of madness by speaking into my head again. Because there's nothing not sane about _that_ , right kids? It's like we're all one confused step away from developing a collective mental illness.

 _Your brain frightens me. And I'm a **hat**. That should tell you something. You should go away and really think about it._

 **Yeah, I _would_ do that. But there's kind of this whole _thing_ we have to do first.**

 _What thing? I don't like the sound of that coming from you. It better not involve koala hats._

 **Oh don't tell me you have a prejudice against animal hats now.**

 _They're absurd and they besmirch the good name of hats everywhere! Animal hats are unnatural!_

 **You, sir, are out of line. I happen to have _friends_ who are animal hats, and they are good hats. I'll also have you know that two of my Nana Mars' friends got married wearing animal hats. Legally and everything. Well, in Vegas, but it still counts.**

 _You're a very bizarre person. And I mean that. From the very depth of my hat-heart._

 **Do hats even have hear-**

 _Don't you dare finish that sentence! If you do then I'll….then I'll..…I will swallow your head and suffocate you! I swear I'll do it. Do not push me Drake Black/Draco Black/Draco Lucius Malfoy! And you have too many names!_

 **Are you always like this?**

 _Am **I** always like this? Am **I**? Are **you** always like this?_

 **Like what?**

 _Like what? Like WHAT? Oh my merlin, I think I might hate you. That' sit, be gone! Go away!_

 **You want me to leave?**

 _YES!_

 **Are you sure?**

 _YES!_

 **Then do the _sodding_ THING!**

 _WHAT THING?_

 **Oh for the love of smurfs-SORT ME! Do it now before I die of old age sitting here. I mean Oh my God it's been like** _ages_ **since I sat on this bloody uncomfortable stool.**

And it really has been. Even the professors look a bit concerned with how long my sorting is taking. Any second now they'll expel me out of sheer boredom.

 _Oh….oh right….ok then…uh….do you have a preference?_

 **I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to ask me that. It kind of negates the whole point of there being a sorting with a sorting hat who is supposed to sort people into different houses. If you're going to go around asking each person where they want to be sorted then you might as well just do that at the start and not have a sorting ceremony at all.**

 _Maybe I'm just asking what house you want to be in so I can purposefully not put you in that house._

 **Woah. That's cold. Why you gotta do me like that, bro?**

 _Bro? A minute ago it was 'sir', now it's 'bro'._

 **You've be relegated. Deal with it.**

 _But why 'bro'?_

 **Regulus and I may or may not have watched American reality TV for twelve hours straight before we left for Hogwarts.**

 _What's a Kardashian? Is it some of Dark magical creature?_

 **Nope. Much worse. It's a Dark _muggle_ creature.**

 _What's a Miley Cyrus?_

 **One of the most evil monstrosities known to man-kind.**

 _What's Fifty Shades of Grey?_

 **Satan's Bible.**

 _Then what's Twilight?_

 **Satan's rough draft. In the end he took out the sparkles because he thought they were too ridiculous.**

 _What's Take That?_

 **A boyband. Well, sort of. All the members are like a bazillion years old now so maybe it's more of a Manband. But that sounds sorta odd.**

 _What are boybands?_

 **They're a disease inflicted on society as punishment for the invention of skinny jeans.**

 _What's the Underground?_

 **Ok, now I know you're not reading that out of _my_ head.**

 _Hey, you don't know. I could be. You might be subconsciously thinking about the Underground. I'm the mind reading hat around here, don't question my skills._

 **Ugh, fine. The Underground is a prison for poor people who can't afford a helicopter or a teleportation device.**

 _I thought it was some kind of train service._

 **Well if you already know that then why the crapolla are you asking me about it?**

 _Crapolla?_

 **Shut. Your. Raggedy. Hat. Mouth.**

 _The muggle world sounds like a scary place._

 **It is. That's why no one wants to live there. Not even the muggles. It's why they built space rockets, so they could move to the moon instead.**

I hear someone cough very loudly, obviously on purpose. I look up to see Professor McGonagall staring at me. I'm pretty sure if she was wearing a watch she would totally be tapping it right now. Her face suggests watch tapping.

 _You feel tension?_

 **YES! People are waiting for you to make up your bloody mind about where I'm supposed to go sit.**

 _I know, I know. But I'm just not sure._

 **What do you _mean_ you're 'not sure'?**

 _You're just very difficult to place. You're obviously clever and inquisitive. I can see the cunning and self-preservation in you as well. You would do anything to help the people you care about, and even people you don't know. You were brave enough to survive the attack at the Quidditch world cup, and heroic enough to save a girl who needed your help. Maybe you should just pick one._

 **Oh great. Thanks. I'll just do your job for you. No problem.**

 _And you should try to do it quickly. People are starting to glare._

The Useless Hat of unhelpfulness is right. Quite a few narrow eyes and turned down mouths are being aimed my way at this point. I want to tell them it's not my fault I'm too weird to be sorted. I blame Nana Mars and Regulus for not raising me to be a more specific kind of person.

 **Ok then….um…well…I…er…choose…uh….this is actually a lot harder than I thought.**

 _Tell me about it, dude._

 **Dude? Stop looking inside my head!**

 _No, I like it. I think I'll call everyone 'dude' from now on._

Oh shitting hell, I've broken the sodding sorting hat. Dumbledore will probably have me thrown in Azkaban. I'll have to ask Sirius for pointers on how to survive in lock up. One of the other prisoners, who will most likely be named Dejore Punchfist, is bound to make me his prison wife. Maybe I can trade for protection from Dejore Punchfist using Regulus' blue opium cigarettes. I could be Azkaban's new drug dealer. I might even build myself a drug empire for when I get out in thirty years.

Nana Mars and Regulus would help me with that. Regulus was a Death eater, so moral ambiguity is out of window for him anyway. Plus he has the contacts. And Nana Mars has already been part of a drug ring before when she was in her early twenties. She smuggled drugs over the Mexican border. I could do that. We could do that. Like a family business kind of thing.

 _Who's Dejore Punchfist?_

 **My future prison husband.**

 _….what?_

 **That's it! Just put me in Ravenclaw already.**

 _Are you sure?_

 **Not really.**

 _Good enough for me…..-_

 **DON'T YOU _DARE_ -**

 _…dude!_

 **Burn in hat hell!...Do hats have religions-**

"RAVENCLAW!"

I vaguely hear someone who sounds suspiciously like Regulus say " _Finally. Thank Christ, I thought we were all going to **die of starvation** before he was sorted_" from behind me at the head table. I make a mental note to beat Regulus into submission with a hardback book later. Or possibly the blue wooden spoon Nana Mars packed for me 'just in case'. In case of what, I didn't ask. Perhaps she foresaw my need to discipline Regulus for…being himself. Trust me, it's enough of a reason.

There's thunderous applause all over the hall, but I think most of that is just relief. I'm the last person to be sorted because technically I'm not a first year. It was more than a little embarrassing to stand with all the tiny first years as they were sorted before me. Kasper and Terry kept waving manically at me the whole time like the lunatics they so clearly are.

I can hear Kasper, Terry and Cho cheering almost hysterically, and in Terry's case _catcalling_ because he's an arsehole of the highest degree.

I also catch sight of Cedric whistling and clapping. Our eyes lock and for a moment he seems to have forgotten that he's pissed with me about something. _Something._ He has a knowing look on his face. Cedric mouths at me 'friend or foe?' and nods at the hat still sitting (pouting impatiently) on my head. I mouth back 'working progress'. Cedric laughs, his eyes shining with fond amusement. Something light and feathery attacks my gut, forcing me to quickly look away from Cedric. I can't afford to do something stupid like fall off the stool and face plant the floor. Again.

At that, the Sorting hat chimes in,

 _I would say it's been wonderful talking to you, Draco Black, but that would be a **lie**. _

**There are not words to describe how deeply unimpressed I am by you, sodding _talking cap_. I hope they bring out the yodelling scarf next year instead.**

 _Don't you dare talk about that **blasted** scarf! _**_I_** _won the duel which means **I** get to sort the children for the next one hundred years! That singing contest was not **rigged** , I don't care what the bloody scarf says about it!_

Before I can reply to that scoop of insanity, the hat is whipped off my head by Professor McGonagall. She gives me a look that clearly states 'linger and you shall face my wraith puny wizard boy'. It kind of reminds me of the look Nana Mars gives Regulus when he annoys her. Maybe I could introduce Nana Mars and Professor McGonagall at some point.

No, actually, that sounds far too frightening for everyone involved.

I get up off the stool and try to discreetly shuffle over to the Ravenclaw table. I can feel Harry's eyes on me though, which almost causes me to trip. I dart a glance back at him. He winks at me, the _bastard_. I try to flip my hair uncaringly like people do in films, but then I realise my hair is not long enough to pull that off, so I just end up looking like a deranged pigeon.

Cho gives me an odd look when I sit down next to her at the Ravenclaw table. Terry grins evilly at me, and I curse him inside my head. Kasper slaps my back affectionately, his face lit up with a big grin.

I look towards the head table and see Regulus sitting next to Sirius. The two of them have their heads bent together. They're clearly plotting something, looking like two naughty first years. I can only guess at what they're actually plotting. Possibly something horrifying for our first potions lesson. If something doesn't end up exploding during that lesson I will be genuinely shocked.

"Glad you finally made it, Dray." Kasper says, his tone teasing, "We thought you'd been taken hostage by the sorting hat or something."

"Yeah mate," Terry says, "if you'd been much longer we would have had to stage some kind of rescue attempt."

"Or we would have called a mutiny on Dumbledore so we could start dinner without you." Kasper says, giving my arm a good poke.

"I'm so glad you're here with us, Drake." Cho exclaims happily, she leans in to give me a half cuddle.

Terry and Kasper make whooping noises and tell us to cut that girly shit out. Cho just ignores them and hugs me a bit tighter, as if in silent thanks for my existence.

Other Ravenclaws are looking at me with interest in their eyes. But none of them have made a move to introduce themselves yet. Maybe they figure I've already been claimed by Terry, Cho and Kasper. I kind of have been. But I wouldn't mind meeting new people in any of the four houses. I know Cedric wants to introduce me to a few people too from his house.

Professor Dumbledore claps his hands and food appears on the table. Creepy. I poke at the creepy food. Everyone else digs in. There's enough food on these tables to feed a big army, let alone an arguably small herd of children and teenagers.

"Are you gonna eat something, Dray, or just sit there silently willing the food to dance onto your plate?" Kasper asks, raising an eyebrow at me.

I poke at the creepy food again.

"Who makes all this stuff?" I ask instead of answering Kasper's question.

Cho exchanges a look with Kasper. Terry is too busy quite literally stuffing his face to take any notice of us, which is probably a good thing considering the direction I think this conversation will be taking.

"Dray…don't get weird." Kasper starts hesitantly.

"Don't get weird about _what_?" I ask suspiciously.

Kasper looks desperately at Cho, who clears her throat thoroughly before saying calmly,

"Well, the house elves make the food." Her smile looks forced.

I shuffle back a bit from the table and glare, like with full on glaratude. I know about the situation with the house elves, and my friends know it makes me feel uncomfortable. I've hated it since Regulus made the mistake of explaining it to me when I was eight.

"Oh, don't look like that, Drake." Cho says pleadingly, "House elves like making the food."

Yeah, only because they've been conditioned into liking it. I can't proclaim to know everything about house elves. Maybe they do genuinely like working for wizards, maybe they don't. But either way I don't appreciate having no choice but to be part of a corrupt system that supports any kind of slave labour.

I would never try and force someone else to think or feel the same way I do, but I can't just suck it up and pretend either.

"I can't eat this stuff." I say, gesturing at the mounds of food on the Ravenclaw table.

Kasper and Cho exchange another look. I ignore the slight exasperation in Cho's voice when she says,

"Yes you can."

"Fine." I scowl at her, "I don't _want to_."

"But why _not_?" Kasper asks, frowning. He sounds genuinely curious though rather than annoyed, like any true Ravenclaw probably would.

I return my gaze to the creepy food and try to explain,

"Because I think it's wrong to eat food made by people who had no choice in the matter. The system for house elves is unapologetic slavery, and I don't feel comfortable being a part of it."

"But house elves aren't _people_." Kasper exclaims, as if it's that simple. Cho's expression shows her agreement with Kasper.

I can't get too upset with my friends. They're both Purebloods, and despite being raised partially in muggle culture, they still have some of the same Pureblood ideologies. It's not their fault, or even their parent's. The fault lies entirely with our magical society.

Even though things have changed a great deal even in the last one hundred years, old fashioned Pureblood ideals still have a big impact on our society as a whole. I can see that quite easily from just being at Hogwarts for such a short time, as well as visiting places like Diagon Alley.

I try to make my tone as reasonable as I can when I say,

"House elves might not be considered people the same way you and I are, but that doesn't automatically make them something **_less_**."

Terry finally decides to join in with the conversation. His mouth is still half full of food, but I can understand him well enough.

"You sound just like _Granger_. I heard her spouting the same crap earlier about house elves."

Hermione? Hell, that reminds me, I said I'd look for her after the sorting. I lost sight of her when I was up on the stool though. I'll have to go find her now. I want to see how she's doing after everything that happened at the Qudditch cup.

I get up off the bench. Kasper grabs hold of my wrist and asks,

"Where are you going _now_?" He looks slightly concerned, like he thinks I'm about to start a rights rally for house elves during the welcoming feast. Ha, as if I would try that without doing lots of in depth research first.

"Don't panic. I'm not gonna do anything weird. I just need to go and talk to Hermione over at the Gryffindor table." I pat Kasper's arm reassuringly.

Kasper still looks suspicious, but he lets me go.

I amble over to the Gryffindor table in search of Hermione. It takes a minute or two before my eyes find her. I'm not sure why since she pretty much has her own secluded spot at one of the tables all to herself.

I plonk down next her, much to the apparent displeasure of quite a few Gryffindors. A lot of them give me evils, which I ignore. I'm pretty used to people giving me odd looks, if not for my fae-ish appearance, then my slightly….'different' personality. Not to mention my equally 'different' family and friends.

Hermione turns to me with a startled expression on her face. She appears a lot better than when I last saw her. The wounds on her face have faded thanks to some intense healing magic, and she's also lost that 'trapped in a glass bowl' look.

I raise a hand and wave it at her. Because that two foot of bench space between us is apparently insurmountable to my very special brain.

Luckily Hermione hasn't lost her good humour because her face breaks out into a smile. A real one even. Not an 'ok, just don't hurt me weird boy' smile.

"Hey Hermione. I'm sorry for not coming over sooner, but I was distracted by a hat with an attitude problem."

Hermione raises a slightly confused eyebrow at me and asks,

"Why would a hat have an attitude problem?"

I shrug one shoulder,

"I think maybe he has some unresolved sexual tension issues with a yodelling scarf."

Hermione stares at me for a full minute before replying,

"Ok, I'm not even gonna _touch_ that one."

I'm not really sure what she means, but I let it go. We can always discuss the possible sexuality of sentient objects at some other point in time. Besides, there more important things I want to ask her.

"How's your mouth feeling?" I try not to look at her mouth too critically. There are very faint scars around Hermione's mouth where the curse first took hold. But apart from that it looks like she fully recovered.

"Thanks to you, it's feeling good. Healed." Hermione says, and her is smile genuine.

"You were brave that night Hermione. If you hadn't decided to take a chance on me, then…." Well, neither of us really need to say out loud what would have happened.

Hermione shakes her head,

"No, it was you. You used the counter curse to heal me. You saved my life. You and Harry both did."

At the mention of Harry, my spine straightens and I'm unable to stop the erratic beating of my heart. I try to push thoughts of him from my mind, but it's hard to do when someone has such a strong effect on you by simply _existing_.

"Have you spoken to Harry since….everything?" I ask, trying with all of my willpower not to sound like a desperate idiot.

From the look Hermione is giving me now, I'm gonna go ahead and say I failed at not sounding like ten year old girl with a crush. I am not a girl, nor am I ten years old. And I definitely do not have a _crush_. On _anyone_. _Ever_.

I'm like a boy wizard nun or whatever.

"Not really," Hermione says, and apparently she's pretending not to notice how pathetic I am, for which I am grateful. "I saw him on the train and he smiled at me. Asked me if I was ok. But then his girlfriend kind of dragged him away, so that was it."

Something tightens in my throat and I have to work very hard not to choke on the word 'girlfriend'. But seriously, girlfriend? _Girlfriend_?

"Harry never told me he had one of those." I say, and then immediately regret it.

Hermione's voice takes on a teasing edge, her smile just a bit on the evil side.

"One of what? A smile? Well, he doesn't do it very often so I get why it would be surprising."

I resist the childish urge to poke my tongue out at her. That would so not help to make me look like any less of a prat right now.

"You know what I meant you evil enchantress." I narrow my eyes at Hermione in an unspoken challenge.

Even though Hermione and I don't know each other that well, I'm already pretty sure that she won't back down. Hermione is a stubborn person. Strong willed too. She would need to be to survive what happened to her that night and bounce back so quickly.

"Untangle your panties, Drake." Hermione says, "I thought you already knew about Astrid."

I search through the tangled messes that are my memories of Harry. But I just can't seem to remember him ever mentioning a girl named Astrid.

"Who is she?" I ask Hermione, finally giving up any pretence of disinterest. Hermione is too smart to fall for it anyway. Plus she's a girl, all of whom seem to have a natural affinity for knowing when someone is lying about their feelings. I genuinely think it's some kind of evolutionary female-only skill.

Hermione discreetly gestures over at the Hufflepuff table. I follow her gaze along to a very pretty blond haired girl. She actually looks vaguely familiar, but I only realise why when Hermione says,

"Astrid Greengrass."

I look back at Hermione and ask,

"Is she Harry's friend Astoria's sister?"

I feel a bit nosy asking, but I know I'll drive myself crazy if I don't.

"No, she's her cousin." Hermione replies.

"I don't get why Harry wouldn't have told me about her." I say, frowning inwardly at myself.

Hermione makes a face at me, and says,

"Wow, are you seriously asking that question? It's, like, so obvious."

"What's obvious?" I ask, confused.

Hermione narrows her eyes ever so slightly, but instead of answering my question she just says,

"Nah, I think I'll let this thing play out. See how long it takes."

I don't like the sound of that at _all._

"How long _what_ takes?"

But Hermione just zips her fingers over her mouth.

After a minute or two of pleading for Hermione to explain, I finally give up and ask her if she wants to come back over to the Ravenclaw table with me.

"We aren't really supposed to do that." Hermione says hesitantly.

"Do…what?" I ask, not understanding her uncertainty.

Hermione waves her arms around a bit,

"Well, you know…wander off to other tables and sit down during meals. There's kind of a...divide."

I scoff at the ridiculousness of that.

"What is this? Nazi Germany? No, it's a school dinner hall. They're not gonna expel us for sitting at a different table. I mean look at me," I raise my arms and point down at myself, "I'm sitting over here on an enemy table with you and no one's swooped in to drag me off to the Hogwarts dungeon."

"Well no," Hermione says diplomatically, "they wouldn't do that. The Slytherins _live_ in the dungeons."

Of course they do. As if they didn't seem like future evil supervillains already. That house does not do its image any favours.

"Don't worry Hermione," I place a gentle hand on her shoulder, "if the professors do try to tell us off, just say that I kidnapped you and blackmailed you into doing it."

Hermione snorts out a laugh.

"Alright then. You've convinced me." Hermione shakes her head at my grin, "One day and you're already leading me into a life of rule breaking."

We both get up and start over to the Ravenclaw table. I can feel a number of eyes on us as we go.

"Ah, come on," I say jovially to Hermione, "live a little."

When we reach the Ravenclaw table, my friends are quick to make room for me and Hermione. Kasper actually smiles at Hermione, and it's his sexy suave smile that he usually reserves for Cho when they're together. Apparently Kasper and Cho are officially _off_ at the moment.

Hermione blushes in response to Kasper's smile. I don't remember him being this way with her when we first brought her back to Colbie, but that might have been due to the circumstances. Kasper is, and always has been, the noble sort. He was probably very conscious of making Hermione feel uncomfortable for any reason.

But now apparently that isn't an issue. Kasper asks Hermione how she's getting on. Hermione spirals into something slightly giggly, which is how most girls react to Kasper. He's handsome like his brother, clever like his father, and a bit of a badass like his mother was. The words 'bad boy' spring to mind. Now he's got the piercings and tattoo to go along with it. If Kasper and Cho stay broken up, I imagine he'll be swarmed by girls for most of the year.

I leave them to it as Hermione and Kasper start in on what seems like a very in depth discussion about a book they both read over the summer for their fourth year Ancient runes class. They both seem rather enthusiastic about it, and Hermione appears to have completely forgotten about not wanting to break the rules of the dinner hall.

I catch Cho subtly watching them. She doesn't appear upset by what she sees, maybe just curious. And possibly a bit resigned.

I'm about to ask her if she's alright when Albus Dumbledore gets ups and goes to stand behind his podium.

"So!" Dumbledore announces whilst smiling at all of us with just a tinge of madness. I can't decide if Nana Mars would kidnap Dumbledore to keep as her own, or feel the need to destroy him for being on the same wavelength of weirdness as her.

"Now that we are all fed and watered," I hear Hermione scoff, and I have to agree with the sentiment. Dumbledore continues, "I must once more ask for your attention, while I give out a few notices. Mr. Filch, the caretaker, has asked me to tell you that the list of objects forbidden inside the castle has this year been extended to include Screaming Yo-yos, Fanged Frisbees, and Ever-Bashing Boomerangs. The full list comprises some four hundred and thirty-seven items, I believe, and can be viewed in Mr. Filch's office, if anybody would like to check it."

I guess I should get rid of my exploding marbles then, right? How about my Pokémon cards? They aren't technically dangerous, but still.

Dumbledore is smirking. But covertly. He goes on to say, "As ever, I would like to remind you all that the forest on the grounds is out-of-bounds to students, as is the village of Hogsmeade to all below third year."

Now that's one thing I'm looking forward to. Going out to Hogsmead. I'm very interested in visiting the shrieking shack. It sounds sufficiently creepy and weird. Those are my two hot buttons for nosiness.

"It is also my painful duty to inform you that the Inter-House Quidditch Cup will not take place this year."

Cho and Terry both choke on oxygen.

" _No. No. No!"_ Cho murmurs in pure horror.

"No. Fucking. Way." Terry growls, his expression the picture of dismay.

Kasper pumps a fist into the air and calls out with what sounds like a genuine sense of victory,

"YES! So much yes! Like an ocean capacity of yesness!"

The whole hall echoes with the sound of everyone's outrage.

Dumbledore ignores the newly introduced tension and say,

"This is due to an event that will be starting in October, and continuing throughout the school year, taking up much of the teachers' time and energy - but I am sure you will all enjoy it immensely. I have great pleasure in announcing that this year at Hogwarts we are to have the honor of hosting a very exciting event over the coming months, an event that has not been held for over a century. It is my very great pleasure to inform you that the _Unity Tournament_ will be taking place at Hogwarts this year."

Oh shit.

Before anyone can react to that announcement, the enchanted ceiling decides to have a spaz attack. Lightning slashes violently across the ceiling. Which is great. And not at all ominous.

I catch Harry's eye again from across the room. He has a look on his face that screams loud and clear _'fuck, here we go again'_.

I realise Regulus is watching me. He raises an eyebrow. I mouth to him _'I wanna go home'_. Regulus smirks and mouths back _'too late you little shit'_.

Arsehole.

I am so calling it now; we are all _doomed._

* * *

 _ **Speical shout out to- Misskymm,TamiLove,piglett,Maya Poltergeist and Bianca Di Angelo 0-THANK YOU MY UNICORN BRETHREN! Your reviews are my oxygen folks, like, for reals. X**_

 _ **Thank you to everyone for reading and please, PLEASE, review! xxx**_


	8. The Most Ridiculous Duel Ever

**_I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER OR ANYTHING CREATED BY JK ROWLING. But in an alternative universe I do, so that's something. I think that alternative universe is right next to the one where I'm the King of the mouse people and wear nothing but capes all the time._**

* * *

Chapter Eight: The Most Ridulous Duel Ever

Just when I thought things couldn't get any weirder around here, a man comes prancing (well, ok, more like striding purposefully, but still) into the hall. The magic ceiling of the great hall goes all spazzy again and lightning slashes through the not-real sky. I imagine it's some kind of alter-reaction magic. Illusions like that often experience glitches when new or powerful magic comes into contact with them.

Anyway, back to the scary bloke who has a monocle melted into his fucking face. Yeah, let's talk about him for a minute.

Monocle Mc Melty face hobbles through the great hall towards Dumbledore. He has a big arse staff that he's using to help him walk (uncomfortably by the looks of things). The staff reminds me of the one Nana Mars keeps under her bed. She says it's a remnant from her hiking days back when dinosaurs roamed the earth.

Nana Mars travelled the world, hiking through different famous trails. Or at least she tried to. According to Nana Mars, no matter where she went she somehow always seemed to accidentally stumble onto a Pot farm at some point. Regulus once asked Nana Mars if she meant 'accidentally stumbled onto Pot farms' the same way he 'accidentally became a Death Eater'. Regulus was relegated to the shed for a whole week after that one.

I say shed, it's actually more like an old Wendy house. Regulus keeps a pillow and some snacks (opium cigarettes) in there now just in case. That's how often he gets sent to the shed. His record is three weeks at a time. He actually calls it a 'record' like he's proud of the fact. Regulus is, without a doubt, a major prat with bells on.

Monocle Mc Melty face reaches Dumbledore and the two men shake hands. They gossip-whisper with each other for a bit and then Monocle Mc Melty face goes to sit down. He actually looks familiar to me, but I just can't remember his name. I'm pretty sure he worked for the Ministry at some point. Going by the scars on his face, I'd guess Auror. Insane Auror.

Regulus has always said that Aurors are nothing but a load of nosy goodie-two-shoes' who go around being judgemental about things they aren't clever enough to understand. That immediately makes me wary of this new man. Then again, Regulus is a dark pureblood wizard and a former Death Eater, so I think he's probably a bit biased towards the wizard police.

Besides even if Monocle Mc Melty face is untrustworthy, that doesn't mean all Aurors are. They fought as best they could at the Qudditch game when Voldemort's followers attacked. Quite a few of them died that night. There was a list of the dead in the newspaper the next day.

Kasper leans in to whisper,

"I reckon that's Mad-Eye Moody."

Dumbledore turns to face us again, his expression unchanged from the pleasant docile one he'd adopted before.

"May I introduce our new Defence against the Dark Arts professor. Professor Moody." Dumbledore says, gesturing towards Monocle Mc Melty face. As if we wouldn't know who he was talking about. Monocle Mc Melty face is busy stabbing innocent sausages from plates and practically swallowing them whole.

I catch sight of Regulus giving Monocle Mc Melty face a suspicious look. Sirius tries to whisper something into his brother's ear, but Regulus bats him away with a spoon. He hits Sirius on the nose and Sirius yelps, throwing himself away from Regulus and cupping a hand over his nose. Regulus sits back with a triumphant glint to his eyes. I'm not the only one who learnt a thing or two from Nana Mars about how to deal with bothersome humans.

"He definitely has a face you'd remember." Hermione says quietly. She lifts a hand to her mouth, her fingers brushing over the scars.

I feel something tighten in my gut. Just because Hermione seems like she's doing ok after the incident at the Qudditch match doesn't mean she isn't still dealing with a lot. She was tortured horribly that night and I know that's not something you just get over. A wave of anger and hatred for the terrible people who did that to Hermione hits me in the chest. I try to push it down. Getting upset, even on Hermione's behalf, won't help anyone.

I turn back to Hermione, readying myself to say something that will hopefully come out sympathetic instead of deranged. But apparently Kasper has beaten me to it. He's touching Hermione's shoulder comfortingly and whispering something into her ear that I can't make out. It seems to be helping Hermione though, because her body has lost all of its tension, and she's even smiling.

I catch Cho watching Kasper and Hermione again. This time a touch of confusion has entered her eyes. She looks to me questioningly. I shrug in response and ask covertly,

"What's going on with you and Kas?"

Cho makes a face and mutters,

"Nothing. Apparently."

Well that's weird. Kasper and Cho may blow hot and cold with their relationship, but it's always been good between them. When they break up its mutual, and when they get back together it's because they both want to. Terry has said for ages that they should just stay broken up because it drives him crazy having to mediate between the two of them during the year at Hogwarts.

Terry was rather excited about me being here for the soul reason that I could take on the romantic mediating duties for our group. I usually do at home, although I don't know why since I'm the only one who hasn't ever had a boyfriend or girlfriend before. Unless you count the time I had a three day relationship with a boy named Evan Marks when we were seven that ended with Cho forcing us to have a fake wedding down on the beach.

My very deep and meaningful day old marriage to Evan ended quite spectacularly when Evan's older brother found out. He told Evan not to speak to me ever again. He shoved me to the ground when I tried to talk to Evan the next day and called me a 'little fag'. Kasper was there that time though and he went ballistic on Evan's older brother. Kasper hit him so hard that he broke the older boy's nose. Even though Evan's older brother was twice Kasper's size back then, Kasper still managed to keep the upper hand and got a few good swipes in. Like I've said before, Kasper is pretty laid back about most things, but when someone threatens someone or something he cares about, Kasper changes into a completely different person.

Terry was too far away at the time to actually get involved in the fight (or the 'epic beatdown', as it was later dubbed). But later on when the teachers asked what happened, Terry told them Kasper was just defending me. I have no doubt that Terry would have kicked the crap out of the older boy right alongside Kasper if he'd had the chance.

Evan didn't say anything at all when the teachers asked him about it, not that I could blame him. His Dad was like his older brother, but even meaner. Nana Mars hated Evan's Dad even before the incident with me and Evan. She put at least five curses on him and called him a 'twatwaffle'. Regulus was pissed too when we had to go in for a meeting with the Head teacher, Evan's Dad and Mr Diggory to talk about inappropriate behaviour. Kasper and I sat outside the Head's office with Evan and his brother sat opposite us. Kasper and Evan's brother glared menacingly at each other the whole time. Evan just kept staring at his lap. I avoided everyone's gaze by reading a book about Bees. It was one of the most awkward moments of my young life.

The situation was made even worse when Regulus started shouting at Evan's Dad after the man made some very nasty comments about me. Most of them based around my as of yet undefined sexuality. But why that mattered when I was only seven I couldn't understand. I still don't get what the big problem was. It's not like I was actually having it off with Evan. We were SEVEN.

It shouldn't have been an issue even if we were old enough to be getting married for real. But that isn't the kind of universe we exist in at the moment. People will always have a fucking problem with something that is, honestly, none of their business in the first place.

The whole crappy situation made even less sense to me when I was seven than it does now. I thought Regulus was going to hex the shit out of Evan's Dad that day. He was so angry on the way home. Even Mr Diggory was irate, and for once it was on behalf of Kasper instead of because of him.

When we got home I asked Nana Mars why it mattered that Evan and I were both boys, and she said " _Some people are just scared, small minded pillocks, Dragon. It's the price we pay for livin' in a world where free will gets abused beyond its purpose"._ I figure she's right about that. For more reasons than just the one.

Evan never did speak to me again after that. Well, except right before his family moved away last year. I was on the beach, alone, thank Christ otherwise my friends would have pitched a fit. I think Evan was just there to experience it one last time. The natural magic of Colbie beach.

Our beach is actually kind of famous. It's said that if you make a wish into a shell on Colbie beach and then throw that shell into the ocean, then the wish will come true. But only if you stay in Colbie forever.

When Regulus heard that piece of folk legend he snickered and said it sounded like making a deal with the devil. One wish in exchange for eternal servitude.

Nana Mars says that all Colbie wishes come true. But she also says that what you wish for can come in a different shape or size to what you thought it would. She's always telling me that I have to find the extraordinary in the ordinary, because once you do that, you'll have everything you could ever need.

I thought when I saw Evan that he would just keep on walking and not acknowledge me like always. But he surprised the shit out of me and, by the looks of things, himself, when he actually said hello. I was too stunned to say anything so I just nodded at him in a way that I hope didn't look too much like nervous tick.

Evan tilted his head in acknowledgement though, and I smiled at him. We walked around the beach together for about an hour. We probably only spoke a handful of words to each other, but that didn't matter. What we were doing wasn't about talking. It was just nice to feel comfortable with each other for one last time. Evan finally turned to me, right before he was about to leave, and said " _I think we should probably get a divorce_ ".

It was so ridiculous that I had to laugh. Evan smiled again. It was a sad smile, but still the first smile I'd seen on his face in a long time nonetheless. I said " _Well, you did break your promises, so that's fair_ ". Evan actually laughed at that one, and that time his eyes weren't quite as sad. " _You mean my promise to always share my crisps with you at break time?_ " I gave him a mock stern look and said " _No, although yes you did break that very important promise. But no, I mean the one where we promised to always talk to each other if we were unhappy and never let what was making us unhappy come between us_ ". Evan had swallowed hard then and said " _I don't think we ever actually promised that one_ ". It was my turn to smile sadly. " _I know. But I wish we'd followed through on it anyway"_ I'd said. Evan met my eyes when he said " _Me too"._

Then he walked away. He left Colbie beach. And the next day he moved out of Colbie with his family. I made a wish that day on Colbie beach. I picked up a shell and whispered a wish into it. Then I threw that shell into the sea.

I wished that Evan Marks would one day find someone worth making that promise to.

So yeah, with the Evan thing as my only example of romantic experience, I think it's safe to say that I shouldn't be giving anyone advice. Especially advice of the romantic persuasion.

Even so, I start to ask Cho a more in depth question about her and Kas, because I don't want either of my friends to be upset with the other for likely stupid reasons. But before I can finish the question, I'm distracted by Dumbledore making a mistake of epic proportions.

Dumbledore gestures towards the table again, but this time he's looking at Regulus and Sirius. Dumbledore's voice rumbles out pleasantly,

"I'll take this opportunity to also introduce your new potions professors. Professor Black and Professor Black."

The Black brothers realise they're now being stared at by everyone in the great hall and quickly sit up straight, which has the effect of making it look like they've been caught doing something naughty.

Sirius suddenly jumps to his feet. He gives Regulus a pointed look, clearly wanting him to stand up as well. Regulus shakes his head stubbornly and stays seated. Sirius gets an evil look in his eyes and instead of arguing with his brother, he takes out his wand and fires a hex at Regulus' bottom. Regulus yelps and hops to his feet.

I roll my eyes and sigh. This cannot end well.

I look to the other side of the great hall and find Harry staring at me again. Seriously what is his _deal_ already? But when we lock eyes I see that he's having the same thoughts as me about Regulus and Sirius. Harry mouths to me ' _Who will end up killing the other?_ '. I snort out a laugh and mouth back _'If we're lucky?_ _Both'_. Harry just laughs in response.

We all watch in horrified fascination as Regulus takes out his own wand and aims a particularly nasty stinging hex at Sirius. The older Black brother ducks out of the way and fires a hex back at Regulus. Sirius is laughing viciously at his little brother. Regulus on the other hand is spitting mad and looks like he genuinely wants to _destroy_ Sirius.

Long story short, Sirius ends up throwing himself over the head table, causing lots of plates and food to go flying off onto the floor. Sirius lands on the ground, rolling away to avoid a curse from Regulus.

Regulus jumps up onto the table and continues to rein hexes and curses down upon Sirius, all the while shouting at the top of his lungs "STAY STILL SIRIUS GOD DAMN IT SO I CAN FUCKING KILL YOU. YOU ALWAYS RUIN _EVERYTHING_!" Sirius manages to get to his feet despite being hexed into oblivion. He's still laughing though, which does not help at all.

Sirius finally starts firing hexes and curses at Regulus with gusto. He shouts at Regulus "BRING IT ON REGGY! I'LL BLOODY END YOU! IN THE _FACE_!" They go on duelling for what feels like AGES. Melodramatic morons.

I wish Nana Mars was here, she'd be able to sort them out. Even Sirius is afraid of Nana Mars' wraith. As he should be. Nana Mars is to be feared and respected at all times in all ways for all things. Truth.

"I HATE YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR!" Regulus yells at Sirius after a pretty powerful curse.

"WHAT DO I STAND FOR?" Sirius yells back.

Regulus snarls,

"EVERYTHING I HATE!"

Then they go back to trying to kill each other in the face for some reason.

"How long do you think they're gonna keep this thing up?" Kasper asks thoughtfully.

"Are they always like this?" Hermione asks, sounding a bit worried, but also curious.

I look at them both and say,

"They'll keep fighting until one of them gets knocked out, either by the other idiot, or more usually, by Nana Mars hitting one of them on the head with her special green Leopard print stool." I nod my head at Hermione, "And no, they aren't always like this." I pause and add, "Sometimes they overreact and do stupid stuff."

"This _isn't_ them overreacting and doing stupid stuff?" Hermione asks incredulously, her eyes widening in astonishment.

I shake my head and tell her contemplatively,

"Nah. Overreacting and doing stupid stuff would be one of them getting themselves exiled from their family on purpose so they wouldn't have to be a 'proper' pureblood, and the other one joining Voldemort to make up for his brother's failure to do so."

"Oh yeah," Kasper says, nodding, "I forgot about that. This isn't actually so bad in comparison."

" _Exactly_." I say.

"This is _so_ wicked." Terry says, his voice brimming with excitement, the weirdo. "Wanna take bets on which one of them gets turned into an animal first like last time?"

"That only happened the once," Cho says disapprovingly, "And I doubt they'd both end up transfigured into moths _again_."

"I thought they were chickens, not moths." Terry says with a frown.

"No." I say, cringing slightly. "That was me and Regulus. I accidentally turned us both into chickens a few years ago when we were practicing some new spells."

"Oh, yeah right," Terry says with a grin, "I remember now. It took us bloody _ages_ to catch you. Mr Diggory had to change you back in the end because Mai was at work and Jian couldn't do the counter spell without pissing himself laughing."

Yep, that was not my finest moment as a wizard. Or as a chicken, actually.

I keep expecting one of the other professors, or Dumbledore himself, to intervene. But they don't do anything at all. In fact they all seem just as perplexed and awed as the students. Except Dumbledore of course who just looks mildly amused and unbothered by the whole thing. Professor Moody is the only professor who seems like he wants to get involved. He doesn't though, which is unfortunate.

It looks like it's up to me to do something. I get up from the bench. Across from me I see that Harry has had the same idea because he's also standing. We look at each other and Harry nods at me, a determined set to his jaw and an exasperated scowl on his face. I nod back at him, and we both make our way over to our duelling idiots _cough_ guardians.

Hermione tries to stop me, but then gives that up when she sees that my friends seem so at ease with what I'm obviously about to do. Cho, Terry and Kasper know the drill. They've been around me and Regulus long enough to understand how things work between us. Basically, Regulus does crazy shit that I have to save him from, and I do weird crap that Regulus has to help me with, or defend me from. It's a unique system, but we make it work.

Harry and I meet in the middle at the front of the room. Regulus and Sirius are busy hexing each other and running around the head table. Luckily they're both equally as unhealthy so neither of them can catch the other. Sirius is still weak from Azkaban and Regulus…well Regulus played netball _one time_ and got booted off of a team made up of over seventies, so we can't expect much from either of them.

The other professors are now having to duck the spells that are being thrown over their heads. Professor McGonagall looks especially distressed by the entire situation. She keeps bobbing her head around wildly, attempting to reason with Sirius and/or Regulus. I want to tell her that reasoning with them will not help, it'll just get you more involved in their madness.

Cho already tried to calm them down peacefully during their last fight and she ended up having her skin turned blue. On purpose. Because when they're in this mood, the Black brothers have the joint mental power of a ten year old. Not two ten year olds. Just one ten year old. Terry thought it was hilarious. Cho very angrily hexed the humour right out of him.

I look at Harry. He looks at me.

"Together?" Harry asks, his mouth curving up into a slight smirk. I find myself sucking in a breath in response to the devilish intent dancing in his eyes. God, how are they so freakin' _green_? It's just not natural for them to be that unapologetically vivid. I almost want to smack him for causing me to feel so _weird_ from just being this close to me.

"Together." I agree, swallowing back any nervous babbling that might have otherwise spewed from my face. I smile back at him though, unable to stop myself.

Harry raises his wand and aims it at Sirius. I raise my own wand and aim it at Regulus. We both count to three inside our heads and then,

" _Ercumantra_!"

" _Radvenda Zen_!"

Harry's spell knocks Sirius out. My spell is a specialised body bind that Regulus taught me himself. Unlike a normal body bind, this one also stops the recipient from speaking. I figured that was worth adding all things considered.

…..

About half an hour later everyone, including Regulus and Sirius, are back in their seats. Harry and I have confiscated their wands until after the welcoming feast. We thought it best for everyone involved. I didn't trust Regulus not to start another fight if Sirius smiled at him, or did something similarly heinous.

All of the students applauded when me and Harry brought down the Black brothers. It was definitely uncomfortable to be the focus of that much attention. Harry found my discomfort amusing apparently and whispered into my ear " _Welcome to my **life**_ ".

I almost shivered to death when Harry's lips brushed the shell of my ear, obviously by accident, but that didn't make it feel any less intense to have him so close. His breath was warm against my skin. A shiver of awareness shot up and down my spine, making me want to lean in closer to Harry, whilst at the same time making me think that I should shove him away.

I thought about rolling out a snippy comment, reminding him that he has a girlfriend. Harry Potter has a _girlfriend_. Because _of course_ he does. A girlfriend with a name and a face and who probably wouldn't be ok with her _boyfriend_ getting too smooshy with some random bloke he's only just met.

Mine and Harry's instant 'connection', or whatever the frak it is, doesn't mean shit. It _can't_. I'm not prepared to deal with these stupid emotions. I don't think I ever will be. Not with parental figures like Regulus. I'm too young and I'm too weird and I have no idea how to handle wanting to kiss someone this desperately.

Regulus hasn't been in a relationship in all the time I've known him. I'm not even sure if he likes blokes or women exclusively, or maybe both. If I had to guess I'd lean more towards both though. I think he goes outside of Colbie to meet people, since our town is too small to have one night stands without running into the person down at the market every other day. He never brought any of them home though from wherever he went.

Well, actually, there was that one time. Regulus learnt the hard way not to have hook ups with Colbie residents. One of Nana Mars' friends, Greta Teel, set Regulus up with her grandchildren. As in plural. They were twins, Tom and Rose. Even Nana Mars didn't know which way Regulus swung, so they just sent him off with both of them, figuring he'd pick one at some point.

It was a little weird at first because Nana Mars and Greta got the whole Wrinkly Storm team involved in the set up plan. Even I was roped into it. Nana Mars gave me the very important job of luring Regulus into the big janitorial cupboard during parents evening at my school. Tom and Rose were already supposed to be in there. How the Wrinkly Storm got them into that storage room I'll never know. Because I didn't ask. There are some things in life you just don't ask about. One of those things is how a group of old ladies managed to trap two twenty-something people in a storage room.

Anyway, I got Regulus into the cupboard by pretending it was a specialised class room for super smart people. There are certain advantages to Regulus being a pureblood wizard with no previous contact with the muggle world. He's very easy to trick.

Nana Mars, the rest of the Wrinkly Storm, and I, locked Regulus in the room with Rose and Tom. By that time my friends and their parents had been made aware of the plan, so they all gathered outside the storage room as well. Thankfully Nana Mars had thought to put a camera inside the storage room beforehand so we could all smoosh together around a laptop and watch the carnage (or imminent love triangle) unfold.

And yes, it was as creepy as it sounds.

Luckily I'd thought to take Regulus's wand so he couldn't use it to unlock the door.

Regulus, Tom and Rose complained about their weird, interfering families/friends/townsfolk whilst, us, their weird, interfering families/friends/townsfolk watched them on a laptop screen. We all took bets on which one of the twins Regulus liked best as the situation progressed.

After about an hour Regulus began trying to use a mop to open the door. How he was planning on making that work, I have no idea. Tom and Rose started panicking about running out of air (?). Then Tom broke the vent and tried to heft himself into it. He had to climb shelves filled with toilet rolls to reach the vent.

Rose had a spaz attack because of a massive spider and screamed so loud that it caused Tom to fall off the shelves. Regulus abandoned his door-mop plan and tried to kill the spider with the mop. But then the spider crawled onto the mop and Regulus threw the mop away from him. He stumbled backwards and tripped over Tom, who was still lying on the floor covered in loo rolls at the time.

You'd think that that would have been the time when we would open the storage room door and let them out. But nope.

We wanted to see what would happen next. It was like one of those weird survival TV shows. No one could look away from the pure ridiculousness happening right in front of us.

By that point other parents and teachers had wandered over to see what all the fuss was about. Nana Mars, clearly reading the room correctly, took the laptop into the assembly hall. She hooked it up to the main screen that was being used for a PowerPoint presentation. All the students, parents and teachers filed in to watch the big screen.

Another hour later we were all transfixed as Tom built towers made of loo rolls, Rose used a permanent marker to draw on the walls, and Regulus used an old Bunsen burner and his cigarette lighter to try and melt the lock off the storage room door.

We let them out eventually of course. But not until after we'd used the cafeteria to make about twenty bowls of popcorn that we could eat whilst watching. It sort of turned into a town event kind of thing. We had to discuss the possibility of doing something like that again at the next town meeting.

When we opened the door to the storage room Reglus fell out because he'd been leaning against it. He got up, blinked at us, and then started running. He ran all through the school corridors shouting "FREEDOM! OH SWEET FREEDOM HOW I HAVE MISSED YOU THUS!"

Of course after about ten minutes of that he tripped over a stray piece of chalk and fell flat on his face.

It was quite dramatic. I thought Kasper and Terry were going to _die_ from how much they were laughing.

Our Head of English even took the chance to make it into a teaching moment and said to us _"And **that** is why we don't run in the corridors_."

Regulus did end up having it off with one of the twins. We never did find out which one though. They both accused him of being a heartless bastard who never called during one fateful Sunday dinner. I can't decide if one twin was just sticking up for the other, or if Regulus had actually had a thing with both of them.

Right, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Harry has a _girlfriend_. Ugh.

I didn't make any comments about Astrid in the end. Mostly because I have no right to get pissy about it in the first place. Harry doesn't owe me a single bloody thing. It's not like I haven't told him some stuff about me as well. Granted, not telling someone you have a girlfriend is a _bit_ different to lying about your entire identity.

I did move away from Harry though. He noticed me purposefully putting distance between us and his face momentarily creased into confusion, and just a whisper of hurt flashed in his eyes. I held firm though. Harry managed to hide the emotions after a few painful moments and nodded at me, as if in understanding. I did the same.

I'm not sure what either of us are supposed to be understanding though.

When Sirius woke up, I unbinded Regulus.

Regulus glared pissily and accused me of being a traitor to 'the cause'. I asked him what 'the cause' is. Regulus had to think about that. Then he told me 'the cause' is assassinating Sirius and that it would be my job to take down Harry as he is Sirius' right hand man. I argued that Harry is not Sirius' right hand man, he's his Godson. Regulus reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of glitter. He then promptly threw the glitter in my face. I now have glitter in my hair and it's the sticky kind so I just know that it won't all come out for at least a week. God, I hate having sparkly hair. I asked Regulus where he got the glitter from. (I really should have known better). Regulus said Nana Mars gave it to him 'just in case'. I asked in case of _what_. Regulus said he didn't know, but this seemed like the appropriate time to use it. I honestly didn't know how to respond to that. Regulus said that I am his right hand man, so I should do as I'm told. I retorted that I am not his right hand man, I am his adopted son/brother/cousin/child he kidnapped.

Everyone watched whilst Regulus and I bickered back and forth for a while. Eventually though I got Regulus back into his seat at the head table. Harry and I used magic to clean up the mess our Guardians had made. Then we went to reclaim our own seats at our respective different tables.

Dumbledore steps back up to his podium and begins talking again. Now everyone has settled down, somehow, we can actually get on with the bloody feast.

"As I was saying," (before I was interrupted by two lunatics) "this year we have the honour of hosting a very exciting event that has not been held for over a century. The Unity Tournament will be taking place at Hogwarts this year."

A sea of students begin chattering excitedly. Some people who know what the Unity Tournament is, and others who are confused because they have no idea what it is. Dumbledore goes on to explain for the sake of the later.

Personally I've read about the Unity Tournament in my studies. It was set up about seven hundred years ago by three magical schools from across the globe. The three original magical schools were; Hogwarts, Mahoutokoro and Durmstrang. But about four hundred years ago three other schools were added to the mix; Castelobruxo, Beauxbatons and Ilvermorny.

Dumbledore informs us that this year Ilvermorny and Mahoutokoro will be the two schools joining us at Hogwarts. I immediately think of Chadwick and Webster.

"Did they know anything about this?" I ask Terry.

Terry shrugs one shoulder and says,

"I think they might have, Uncle Xander would probably be helping to organise the whole thing."

At least now I know why Webster seemed so smug when he told me he'd see us sooner rather than later, the great git.

For the Unity tournament three champions are selected from each school. There would be three teams made up of one champion from each three chosen. So there would be one Mahoutokoro student, one Ilvermorny student and one Hogwarts student in each team. The three teams would compete against each other in three magical and horribly dangerous tasks. The point of the tournament is to show how well each team can work together to complete their tasks as a united force, whilst also highlighting each individual champion's talents and skills.

The champions and teams are chosen by the Harmony goblet. All potential champions are supposed to write their name on a piece of paper and then put it into the goblet. When the chosen champions are revealed the goblet will sort them into one of the three teams. Each team will represent a different thing any society would need to achieve peace and amity for the benefit of everyone.

The goblet will burn with white fire when the potential champions are putting their names into it. Then when the champions are being chosen the fire will burn blue for 'Equality', green for 'Tolerance', and finally red for 'Freedom' when the pieces of paper are being spat out.

The Unity tournament was disbanded, however, when too many people died whilst competing in it.

That does not bode well at all. I'm starting to get why Regulus was so worried about me coming here. Hogwarts already seems a bit too intent on killing its students.

"Death toll?" Hermione hisses irately. She's glaring at Dumbledore like she wants to make his head explode. "What the bloody hell does he mean 'death toll'? They can't let students compete in a game where there is a bloody _death toll_!"

Hermione breathing hard, her face flushed with indignant ager as Dumbledore goes on to explain that the students from the other schools will be arriving in October. Hermione is fuming.

Terry leans over to say to Hermione,

"It's actually a _tournament_. Not a game. But I see your point either way."

"Yeah," I say agreeably, "I'm with Hermione. Down with the death tournament!" I raise fist and pump it into the air. "Preserve young lives! Down with the tournament of murder!"

Hermione raises a fist too and calls out alongside me,

"Down with the death tournament! Read a book instead!"

I look at her in surprise and say,

"I like that one. READ A BOOK INSTEAD YOU ILLITERATE DEATH LOVING FOOLS!"

"YEAH! DEATH LOVING FOOLS!" Hermione echoes, pumping her fist into the air again.

Kasper is snickering helplessly into his hand. Terry and Cho are exchanging horrified looks. The rest of Ravenclaw turns to watch us with rapt attention.

"Oh my Merlin, they're gonna start a sodding debate club or something, aren't they." Cho says, sounding genuinely dismayed at the thought.

Terry shakes his head and says knowingly,

"Nah, this is Drake Black we're talking about here, the child of the Marvellous and Mad duo Nana Mars and Regulus Black. He wouldn't just founder a _club_. Our Dray would set up his own political platform and lead a proper protest. With posters and banners and conferences, and policies that make no sense unless you follow magical political law."

"Hells right I would!" I say vehemently. "I'll be Minister of magic by the time I'm of age!"

"Please, _please_ no." Cho groans, covering her face with her hands.

Of course I'm joking. I have absolutely no aspirations towards politics. If anything, lately, I've been thinking more and more about becoming a Mediwizard. I really liked being able to help Hermione the night of the attack, even though it was awful. I was glad that I could save her though, and I think I'd be a good wizard healer.

But all that's a bit of a way off anyway. There's plenty of time.

Hopefully.

"We could start our own debating society though." Hermione says to me thoughtfully.

"I'd join." Kasper says cheerfully, "If only so I could watch people try to argue with Dray. He's a feisty little angelbug."

I glare at him mutinously. Kasper winks at me, his piercings catching the light and glinting dangerously. He turns his smirk on Hermione, who immediately blushes.

"I wouldn't mind seeing you put your two sickles in too. Give the genius Gryffindor a voice."

Oh for the love of co co pops, _why_?

Hermione giggles. It's dreadful.

"How about you?" Hermione asks Kasper curiously. "Anything you want to argue about?"

Kasper raises his eyebrow comically and says,

" _Hermione Granger_ , are you asking me to… _debate_ with you?" Of course Kasper makes it sound like he means something completely different. He gives Hermione a mock scandalised look, "Now, I don't know what kind of boy you think I am. I don't go around _debating_ with just _anyone_."

" _Bloody prat_." Terry mutters in amusement.

Cho sniffs and rolls her eyes, but she seems more amused than annoyed too.

"He means that," I say snarkily, "Kasper has very particular taste in who he _debates_ with."

Kasper grins at me,

"I do." He says, "Dray won't ever _debate_ with me. It's actually very hurtful. But he simply refuses."

I snort, unable to help myself, but say,

"That's because I'm not the type of person Kasper wants to _debate_ things with."

"I bet you wouldn't mind _debating_ something with **Potter**." Terry says, arching his eyebrow suggestively in towards the Slytherin table where Harry still resides.

Kasper, Hermione and Cho burst out laughing.

"Oh shut _up_." I glare at each of them in turn. "Potter already has someone to _debate_ with anyway."

Kasper, Cho and Terry all stop laughing and frown at me.

"He what?" Kasper asks in obvious confusion.

I look to Hermione, hoping she'll explain. Hermione grimaces, but does so.

"Harry's dating a Hufflepuff girl named Astrid."

"I thought that was just a rumour." Cho says, her eyes widening.

"Nope," Hermione replies shortly, "Harry said Astrid is his girlfriend on the train today. And I saw them kissing at the end of last year."

Terry and Kasper exchange a look.

"How did we miss that?" Terry says, looking somewhat disappointed in himself. I almost laugh at the thought of Terry feeling put out that he didn't hear some gossip about a person he's not even friends with.

"Oh, I'm sorry Drake." Cho says to me, reaching out to squeeze my arm sympathetically.

I'm not sure what to say so I start to feel really awkward.

"Want us to kick his arse for you?" Kasper asks frankly. And I know it's a serious offer.

I shake my head, trying not to look too pathetic.

"No, Kas. Please no more revenge plots on my behalf. Not like last time." I say, a small smile curling my lips.

Kasper, Terry and Cho laugh at that. Hermione looks confused, so I go on to explain about the time when Mr Bob Smat, one of Colbie's resident grumpy old men, ran over my bike with his van, almost taking me along with it. Mr Smat yelled at me for damaging his van and called me a freak. Kasper swore vengeance. He devised a revenge plan with the help of Nana Mars, and predictably, chaos ensued.

We're just lucky Mr Smat didn't press charges when he woke up one morning to find that not only had the outside of his house been toilet papered, but the inside as well. Thankfully Nana Mars has an in with PC Blogger, our local policeman, otherwise we would have been buggered when Mr Smat caught us climbing out of his kitchen window at four O'clock in the morning.

Nana Mars stole one of Mr Smat's tea towels to use as part of the curse she planned to put on him.

We all agreed to be more careful with our revenge plans from then on.

When the welcoming feast is finally over, all the students start to file out of the great hall. I follow after my friends to go to our common room. Before I leave the hall I make eye contact with Regulus from across the room. I take out his wand and wave it at him. Regulus narrows his eyes at me, the grey in them becoming storm clouds of irritation. He mouths to me, ' _I curse you'_. I smirk at him and mouth back ' _With what?_ '. I wave his wand above my head once more and then saunter out of the great hall.

Death Tournament or no Death Tournament, I am gonna make this year at Hogwarts my _bitch_.

* * *

 ** _Special shout out to- Bianca Di Angelo 0,piglett,Maya Poltergeist and the Guest who took the time to review-THANK YOU MY UNICORN BRETHREN! YOU ARE EPIC HUMANY TYPES! X_**

 ** _A/N-I hope I explained the Unity Tournament well, if you have any questions then please go ahead and ask. I'll answer any and all questions._**

 ** _Thank you to everyone for reading! Please review! x_**


	9. Bitchy Scarfs And Rainbow Popcorn

**_I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER OR ANYTHING CREATED BY JK ROWLING. But in an alternative universe I do, so that's something. I think that alternative universe is right next to the one where I'm the King of the mouse people and wear nothing but capes all the time._**

* * *

 **A/N-Prepare yourselves for a looonnnggg arse chapter folks x**

Chapter nine: Bitchy Scarfs And Rainbow Popcorn

I spent most of the morning trying to teach Hermione how to transfigure plates, forks and spoons into food. Towards the end of breakfast she was starting to get it. Although her fork-made-toast tasted a bit like tin foil. Still, she did better than me when I first tried transfiguring things into food. I turned a bowl with a bird pattern on it into a cake, but when we tried to eat the cake it moved. I dug through the cake with my fingers and a tiny bird leapt out and began flying around the room.

Regulus taught me how to transfigure objects into food because he thought it might help if I was ever on the run and had nothing to eat but twigs and rocks. I asked him why he thought I would be on the run in the first place. Regulus made a weird face and then started flapping his hands around. That usually means he knows something that he doesn't want to tell me. He did the same thing as he was telling me about my parents. And Voldemort.

I'll admit it did take some of the sting out of being told how my parents died when I had a twenty-something year old man slapping at invisible bees right in front of my face at the same time. Nana Mars ended up having to hit him in the face with a fluffy tennis racket. Yes, a _fluffy_ tennis racket. I know you all want to ask, but trust me, that particular road is fraught with only confusion and ridiculousness.

No, I won't tell you, so stop asking.

Alright, fine, but you brought this on yourselves.

Nana Mars, before the Wrinkly Storm, was a member of another sports team. She played tennis doubles with a man named Viscount Moop, and yes I have no idea if that's his real name or if Nana Mars just calls him that. Their tennis team was named 'The M & Ms', for Moop and Mars, and they were the best in the over sixty division. Viscount Moop comes round for Sunday lunchsometimes, and he always buys me one of those special blown glass animal figurines for my Birthday and Christmas. I have a whole shelf of them now. Viscount Moop put the shelf up for me.

Regulus offered to help. I banned him from touching any of the tools and using them inside my room. Regulus pouted, so Nana Mars told me I had to share. It wasn't about sharing though. I was just afraid Regulus would accidentally kill Viscount Moop, me, himself, and somehow destroy my room in the process. Nana Mars would have brought him back to life just so she could kicked his arse.

I stand by my wariness to this day. Viscount Moop agreed to let Regulus help put up my new shelf. And by 'help' I mean Regulus was told to hold a screwdriver and stand in the corner. Of course Regulus would not accept those given boundaries, because rebel!, and he decided to fiddle around with the power drill. I don't even know why we have a power drill. I'm pretty sure Nana Mars uses it to open difficult biscuit tins when she's a bit tipsy at Christmas.

Long story short, Regulus drilled several holes through my bedroom floor, three through my bedroom door, and a further two holes through the lamp shade next to my bed. I still have those holes through my floor. We moved the lamp to the living room because Nana Mars liked it better with the holes. She said it gave the lamp character. Nana Mars always gets her furniture and stuff at car boot sales and Charity shops. She says objects are like people in the way that they can have stories of their own, and that you should strive to fill your home with as many different stories as possible. Sometimes I think she took me and Regulus in for that very same reason.

So, anyway, sorry, the fluffy tennis racket. Nana Mars thought that it hurt the tennis balls when she hit them with the racket and she decided that the tennis balls would work better if they felt comfortable. She made a fluffy jacket for the tennis racket that would pad it and therefore no longer 'injure' the tennis balls.

And now, you see, how can I be expected to behave like a normal, sane, individual when the two people who raised me are completely off the scales bonkers? Exactly, I can't. If I ever do commit a dangerous crime then I should get immunity for that alone.

Nana Mars and Viscount Moop stopped playing tennis when one summer Viscount Moop slipped on an ice cream during the game and broke his hip. He had to have surgery and we all went to the hospital to be with him afterwards. It was sad, but we brought him his favourite tea biscuits and gin. Nana Mars scared all the Doctors. Regulus flirted with the nurses. I got to wear a white Doctors coat and Viscount Moop shared his biscuits with me whilst he, Nana Mars and Regulus got drunk on gin. Altogether it was a good day in the end.

When Nana Mars hit Regulus with the infamous fluffy tennis racket she was still learning how hard she could hit Regulus before he actually got hurt. Unfortunately, although not that unfortunately because I believe he deserved it, Nana Mars miscalculated that time and Regulus' nose started bleeding. Luckily Nana Mars had something handy in her purse. We were down on the beach and Nana Mars was teaching me how to do a proper backhand. We'd taken a break for some tea, and that's when Regulus decided to tell me the story about my parents. I'm not sure whether to commend his timing on the matter or not.

Regulus took what he thought was a 'special nose tissue' from Nana Mars and put the thing up his bleeding nostril. It was not a special nose tissue. It was a tampon. Nana Mars told me later that she'd picked that up from a movie called 'She's the man'. After watching the movie Nana Mars made sure to always carry tampons in her purse just in case someone happened to have a bloody nose after a fight. I'm not sure what it says about Nana Mars that she is so often around people who have nose bleeds due to being hit in the face.

Regulus still has no idea and accepts the tampons as 'special nose tissues'. God only knows what would happen if Sirius found out about that. He'd probably tease Regulus for the rest of his natural born life.

After breakfast in the great hall, we had Transfiguration, which went pretty well I think. I sat with Cho and we completed our set tasks before everyone else in class, much to the chagrin of quite a few of the other Ravenclaws. Something tells me I'm not going to be very popular in my own house unless I socialise a lot more. When we got back to the Ravenclaw common room last night I was mostly focused on checking out the common room itself, and having fun with my mates. I should try harder to meet other people though. Part of the point of coming to Hogwarts was to experience new things, and new things almost always includes new people.

On the plus side, I impressed our Transfiguration teacher, Professor McGongall the watch tapper. Cho, Terry and Kasper warned me not to get on her bad side. She even smiled at me a few times during class, and I took that as a personal win.

Next we had Charms, which is taught by the Ravenclaw's head of house. That reminds me, Dumbledore has asked Regulus to be the head of house for Slytherin. I'll have to remember to ask Harry about that later when we have potions together, and bloody hell _potions_. That is going to be a _nightmare_.

Charms was easy as hell. I learnt a lot of the same stuff we're being taught in class years ago. Regulus was very insistent on my education being thorough. All joking aside, Regulus isn't a bad teacher, and he might make a half decent professor if he keeps his head during class. Although with Sirius around, I doubt that will be the case.

When Charms is over Professor Flitwick asks me to stay behind. I go to stand in front of his podium. My friends hang back, but I wave for them to go on to our next class without me. I'm ok at finding my way around Hogwarts. Alright, that's a lie, I get lost almost constantly, but finding the Divination tower can't be that difficult. Terry told me to just keep going up until my head hits roof. If I'm outside then I've gone too far. I don't know why he thinks I'd be randomly stepping off of towers or climbing out of windows. I mean, sure, we did a lot of climbing around when we were in primary school, but….no, actually, his concerns are probably valid. We spent most of our lunch breaks on the roof of Colbie primary school.

Professor Flitwick smiles down at me through his tiny spectacles. He's standing on a mountain of books so that he can see over the top of his podium. I don't understand why he doesn't just get a smaller podium, but who am I to question the whimsy of short, spectacled, wizards? Live and let stand on book mountains I say.

"You wanted to talk to me, sir?" I prompt when Professor Flitwick's staring goes from polite to still-polite-but-verging-on-creepy.

"Mr Black, I'm dreadfully sorry for taking time away from your little friends, it's just that we didn't get the chance to speak yesterday after the welcoming feast." I try very hard not to snort-laugh when he calls my friends 'little'. I never said I was a good person.

"No problem sir." I say, smiling at him reassuringly, "What was it you wanted to talk to me about?"

Professor Flitwick leans over his podium even further, peering at me curiously.

"How are you settling in, Mr Black? Any problems? If you ever have a question then please feel free to ask me. I'm here to help you after all."

What I'm wanting to ask him at the moment is if he knows any charms for dealing with nuisance talking hats. But I can't do that. Can I? No. I can't. But could I….

"Actually, sir, I was wondering about something." I say.

"Oh yes, of course, please ask away." Professor Flitwick replies enthusiastically.

I clear my throat and go for it,

"What do you know about a talking scarf, sir?"

I asked my friends about it, but they said they'd never heard of a talking scarf at Hogwarts before. I know one must exist because the sorting hat got so upset about it. Since then I've resolved to figure out the mystery of the relationship between the sorting hat and the possible talking scarf.

Professor Flitwick just stares at me, slightly slacked jawed, for a while. I begin to wonder if he's alright. Then I think he'll just tell me there's no such thing as a talking scarf and send me on my way. But Professor Flitwick surprises me, which takes a lot considering who and what I grew up with, by jumping down off his podium and hustling over to a very large wardrobe.

I follow after him, curious despite myself. Professor Flitwick takes out a key from his inside chest pocket and unlocks the warbrobe. I'm getting very Narnia feels about this situation. My thoughts are confirmed when Professor Flitwick smiles back at me over his shoulder and gestures for me to climb into the seemingly empty wardrobe after him.

"I want to show you something special, Mr Black. There's no need to fear, you'll be perfectly safe." Professor Flitwick says, and he even sounds excited.

I have a mini argument with myself. Should I really trust a stranger, even if he is a professor, and just follow him into a random wardrobe? I think about what Regulus would say, and then I completely discard that thought. If I start making decisions in my life based on what Regulus would say then I might as well give up the idea of ever having a sanely functioning life right now.

Nana Mars would do it. She'd follow Flitwick into the wardrobe. Nana Mars would always seek out adventure. Now, I don't consider myself a Gryffindor minded person, but how can I turn down the opportunity of possibly discovering Narnia. Besides I'm confident in my ability to defend myself for the most part.

I take a deep breath, nod at Flitwick, and follow after him. Flitwick tells me to close the doors behind us and after a moment's hesitation I do so. Of course the wardrobe is actually even bigger on the inside than it looks on the outside. I can't wait to tell Nana Mars I've been inside a Tardis wardrobe. There's even a hallway in here. It's narrow, but I'm small enough to fit through it.

I can't see where we're going so I take out my wand and cast a 'Lumos' spell. The tip of my wand glows with a pure white light. Professor Flitwick chuckles and says without turning back,

"Good idea Mr Black, I should have said it'd be dark. I suppose I'm just so used to walking through here alone."

"Where exactly are we going, sir?" I ask, unable to hold onto my nosiness any more.

 _Please say Narnia. Please say Narnia. Please say Narnia._

Professor Flitwick chuckles again and says,

"I thought you might like to meet some of the other animated objects. You and the sorting hat seemed quite taken with one another yesterday."

Oh, so not Narnia then. How genuinely disappointing. It's not that I expect all magic wardrobes to have Narnia inside, but it would just be nice if _one of them_ did.

Wait a minute, did he say other animated object ** _s_**? As in more than one? That thought stuns me into silence for a while.

Eventually though we come to another door, this one is decorated with silver ivory patterns pleated into wood so dark that it almost looks black.

Professor Flitwick takes out another key, this time from his buckled shoe. I'm wondering why he doesn't just keep all of his keys on a key chain. Regulus says people only have separate keys when they're trying to hide something. Nana Mars hides the key to her electric blue Lamborghini in her pants drawer. But she hides it there so Regulus won't ever borrow her car again. The one time she allowed him to drive it, he drove the car into the front of our only local café.

Regulus is lucky he had Nana Mars' protection because the town's people wanted his head. There was a whole town meeting about it that weekend. I say 'meeting', the Colbie residents actually called it a 'trial'. Believe it or not people have literally been exiled from Colbie before. Viscount Moop's nephew was exiled sixteen years ago. His name is Danny, but people around town, including Viscount Moop and Danny's mother, call him 'The Banished Son'.

I've asked on numerous occasions what he did to get banished, but Nana Mars always just says ' _We do not speak of it'_. I think maybe it was Danny who spray painted ' _COLBIE SUKS'_ onto our big 'Welcome to Colbie' sign. I only know about that because at our primary school there is a blown up picture of it hung up on a wall with the words 'Colbie does not accept violent crimes' printed above the picture in rainbow font.

In the end, Regulus was let off with community service, and by that I mean he had to help Nana Mars set up an alternative café in her front garden. We put up a big pavilion tent and brought out numerous tables and chairs. You'd think people would just stay home instead of coming to a makeshift café created by the local witch, but no one could ever accuse the residents of Colbie of being sane or logical. They swarmed the café. I even had to skip some school to keep up with the demand for tea and bourbons. We all blamed Regulus of course and he slept in the shed again.

Professor Flitwick unlocks the ivory door and pushes it open. I lower my wand and blink rapidly as light floods in through the door way. I dazedly follow after professor Flitwick as he leads me into a very large and heavily decorated room. I look around in amazement at the comfortable grandeur of the room. Each corner of the room is decorated with different house colours.

There are chairs and sofas of all sizes and shapes. The floor is a patchwork of carpets ranging from dark and fluffy, to flowery and rough. Decorating the walls are mirrors with wonderfully detailed frames and about a hundred lanterns and lamps, including a few lava lamps. It's completely mad, like something from Alice in Wonderland.

As I take a look around, Professor Flitwick ambles over to the Ravenclaw corner of the room. He takes out a blue china tea set and puts it down on a darker wooden blue table. He takes out his wand and makes some tea in the big cornflower blue tea pot.

Professor Flitwick waves me over and I reluctantly stop poking at things to go and have some tea. I sit down opposite professor Flitwick in a comfy sea foam blue sofa seat that is shaped like a folded star. Professor Flitwick is sitting in an enormous chair shaped like a whale. He looks very small sat in that chair, and I have to hold in another bout of laughter.

"This is incredible, sir." I say, really meaning it too.

Professor Flitwick pours me a cup of tea and gets up to retrieve a plate of blue wafers on a glass plate. He sets the wafers down on the table and beams at me.

"I'm glad you like it, Mr Black. This is a very special place for me. I like to come in here and think when there's something particularly vexing on my mind. Although it can be distracting from time to time." There's a special glint in his eye that I'm not sure how to interpret when he says that last part.

"I can imagine, sir." I say, darting another awe-filled glance around the room. "It seems like a good place to read though."

"You like to read." Professor Flitwick says, and it's a statement, not a question. Anyone admitted into Ravenclaw would have to at the very least enjoy reading.

"I _love_ to read." I say honestly.

"What kind of books do you like?" Professor Flitwick asks me, his eyes alight with interest.

"It won't sound very good, but I like anything and everything, sir." I say, smiling openly at my professor. "Books have always been more like friends to me. I'm not sure if that makes sense-"

"Oh, yes!" Professor Flitwick interjects happily, "I do know what you mean Mr Black. Books can be our saviours, our teachers, and our most trusted confidants."

I take a sip of blue mint tea and say,

"Most of my family also use them as weapons, sir. But I don't think that counts in the same way."

Professor Flitwick laughs raucously at that, but it's definitely not him who says,

"Oh, look, it sounds like a pretty little thing. And it makes friends with books. A true Ravenclaw if ever there was one."

I suck in a dramatic breathe and look wildly around for whoever spoke.

Professor Flitwick sighs dispassionately. He gets up and I watch in amazement as he reveals a hidden top hat from behind some stacked chairs. The front of the top hat is creased to make a face, just like the sorting hat. Unlike the sorting hat however, this hat's voice is high and lilted, quite different from the sorting hat's gritty drawl.

"Oohh, look at its face. You'd think a dolphin with four legs just galloped into the room." The talking top hat says delightedly.

I lift a hand slowly and wave at the hat. Because apparently I'm crap at life these days.

"Don't you bully that poor boy. You'll run it off just like the last one." A different voice that is neither the top hat nor Professor Flitwick scolds warningly.

My eyes widen even further when Professor Flitwick reveals a long sparkly scarf with a clearly animated face right above its tassels hidden underneath a blanket on the opposite sofa.

Professor Flitwick brings both the top hat and the scarf over and sits down across from me again.

"I'm not bullying it, you imbecilic creature, I was making an observation." The top hat snaps at the scarf.

The scarf sniffs, I didn't even know scarfs could sniff, and argues,

"To make it feel uncomfortable. You're always like that. Leave the human alone. It's probably got a hard enough life as it is. I mean, just look at the state of it."

Well…huh? Did I just get defended and insulted at the same time? By a scarf?

"I told you it sounded like it had weird eyes and I was right." The top hat says, giving me a pointed look.

Alright, that's it.

"Oi, my eyes are perfectly normal-ish. I have owl eyes. Like an owl. My eyes are very normal and owly, thank you very much, sirs."

"Ohhh, it has a temper." The top hat simpers.

"Looks like one of those anime elf thingies." The scarf says decisively.

"You two behave for our guest." Professor Flitwick scolds the top hat and scarf. "Mr Black is a student at this school, remember."

"Well we didn't think he was a new _teacher_." The top hat huffs indignantly.

"Of course he's a student, you can practically smell the teenage pheromones coming off of that thing." The scarf says.

I scoot away from them and say,

"You leave my bloody pheromones alone. I don't need no man. I am a wizard nun."

And why could my brain have not deleted that thought from yesterday?

"It's a very odd little creature, isn't it?" The top hat notes.

"Very, very odd." The scarf agrees.

This is already turning into such a strange day. Nana Mars would love it. My friends would as well. Cho would already be firing off questions. Cho and Hermione would probably end up duelling each other over which one of them gets to interrogate Professor Flitwick about this room. Terry would be thinking of all the jokes he could pull with an animated top hat and scarf, let alone a secret wardrobe room. Kasper would be more content to figure things out for himself and then at a later date ask more informed questions. Cedric would say we were all bonkers, but I know he'd be dead curious as well. I wonder what Harry would think. He seems the semi-sane sort, very much unlike me and my family.

Actually speaking of my friends…

"Sir, thank you so much for showing me this. It's all really amazing. Mostly." I shoot a glare at the top hat and scarf, "But I don't want to be _too_ late for my next class. If Reg- _my Dad_ found out I'd skipped classes on my first day then he'd be _pissed_ —um angry I mean."

Professor Flitwick waves a dismissive hand and continues to grin at me.

"No, no, Mr Black. The whole wardrobe is on a time stop. Time moves differently in here. We could potentially stay in this room for days and no more than a few minutes would have passed outside."

Oh, well, that's alright then.

It's not that I think Regulus would actually be pissed about me bunking, especially not when he found out the reason why. He'd probably congratulate me for finding a secret Tardis wardrobe without even really trying. So no, he wouldn't be pissed. But still, I don't really want to miss any of my classes. I waited ages to get here, and I don't want to muck it up, not on my first day at least. The only class I would consider bunking is Potions, for obvious reasons. Regulus actually would be hurt if I did that though. He seems very proud of his new job, so far be it from me to rain on his disastrous and potentially lethal parade.

I push all those thoughts aside and focus on the situation at hand. I have one clear question in mind and I'm not leaving this place without an answer.

"So," I say, addressing the animated clothing set before me, "which one of you has a thing for the sorting hat?"

…

I spent an hour so longer in the secret wardrobe room with Professor Flitwick and gang, before hurrying off to my next class in the North tower.

I try to find my way up there, but unfortunately the staircases have changed at least a dozen times and I now have no idea where I'm going. I really should have asked my friends to wait for me. Now I'm going to be late for class without any additional help from Professor Flitwick.

I'm just about ready to start panicking when I turn a corner, and because I'm too deep inside my own head, I don't realise there's someone else coming the other way. I practically head butt whoever it is and we both fall over in a heap on the floor.

I blink a stupidly for a few moments before realising I've all but attacked a random girl.

"I'm so sorry," I start to say. Then I recognise who it is and abruptly I shut the hell up.

Astrid. _The_ Astrid. Harry Potter's _girlfriend_ , Astrid.

"Don't worry about it. I should have been paying more attention to where I was going." Astrid says kindly. She smiles gently at me which causes her already pretty face to become even prettier. Damn, she's being nice to me. I did not count on that.

For some reason I've been imagining Astrid as this really horrible and bitchy person. I think maybe I was projecting, because if Astrid was a nasty little witch, then I wouldn't have to feel so bad about fancying her boyfriend. I know it's not a logical thing, but it made me feel better. Now that small comfort has been smashed to smithereens.

Astrid has a very genuine smile.

I hate her just a teensy tiny bit. I know, I'm a terrible person, just stone me to death right here.

Astrid is looking at me, and at this point she's tilting her head and peering at me like she's worried I've hit my head. Maybe I did hit my head, because in this moment I decide to react to this situation by making the worst mistake possible. I open my mouth, and let words fall out.

"Hi there, miss. I'm really sorry for bumping into you, that was completely my fault. I'm just really stressed out because I'm trying to find my Divination classroom, you know, up there somewhere." I point upwards at NOTHING. "The highest room of the tallest tower. No, wait, is that Rapunzel? Or Sleeping Beauty? Actually, hold on, I think that might be Shrek. Sorry, I get my animated films mixed up sometimes. I thought I knew where it was because my friend Terry told me to just keep moving up until I hit roof, but there's, like, too much ' _up_ ' you know? I don't want to go to the wrong up. I might stumble into a classroom full of Seventh years and they would stare at me for being young and short and weird. Or I could accidentally witness some kind crime and then I'd have to report the crime and be a witness to the crime when it went to trial. I don't think I'd make a very good witness, my observation skills aren't that great. I might end up implicating the wrong person. I don't want to be the reason an innocent thingy gets sent to wizard prison and meets his future prison husband, Demacho Skintooth, or her future prison wife, Bulletina Hagdeath, because, like, I don't wanna to be sexist. Women can commit crimes too, and I know that. My Nana Mars has committed crimes, but I don't think she's ever had a prison wife before. She's had a _non_ -prison wife, but I think she just did that to help a friend get her green card, so maybe that doesn't count as much. So, anyway, I'm really sorry again, please don't report me for child endangerment or something. Although I don't know if child abuse can really be committed by another child. Not that we're children really, but we are in the eyes of the law. And the law is pretty serious shit. I wouldn't ever want to break the law except that one time when I was seven and I wanted some hubba bubba and Reg-my Dad wouldn't get me any, so I opened up a pack and stole one from the shop. I felt so bad about that for months. Eventually I went back to the shop and told them what I'd done. Marsha Petal, the shop owner, let me work it off by packing things onto some shelves for a few hours. I got paid in marshmallows. It was surprisingly fun actually. Marsha lets me work there over the summer holidays for some extra cash, which is really cool of her, you know."

Bloody mothercracker that was a long one! Good thing I'm already on the floor because I seriously need to _lie down_.

Astrid is still staring at me, but now her expression has shifted into something thoughtful. I don't know what she has to be thoughtful about. Unless she's thinking, 'Ohmygod, get me away from this insane creature before it kills me, or worse, starts talking again'.

But after only a few laboured breathes from me and some highly intense staring from her, Astrid suddenly beams at me, her smile becoming nothing short of radiant. I can definitely see, even as a gay boy, what attracts Harry to Astrid.

"Holy frick!" Astrid exclaims excitedly, "Harry was not kidding at all. You're incredible."

Oh God, what does that even _mean_?

"Harry…he…uh….told you…about me?" I say, stuttering over my words like a moron, barely able to get my words out, and where the hell was _that_ when I needed it thirty seconds ago.

"Of course he did." Astrid says, as if it's just so bloody obvious. Which, to be fair, it probably is. Harry met a weird stranger who he escaped a Death eater attack with. That's definitely something you would tell your boyfriend/girlfriend about.

"You're… _Astrid_ right?" I say, trying to pretend like I don't know exactly who she is and who she is to Harry.

"Right." Astrid says. She stands up and offers her hand to me for help. I take it even though I really don't want to.

When we're both standing upright, Astrid says,

"I'm actually off to Divination now. I think we're in the same class. We can walk together."

I can't decide whether to thank God, or threaten him with bloody vengeance for doing this to me.

"That would be great, thanks." I say, because I'm not completely socially inept.

Astrid smiles even wider and starts walking. I force myself to catch up and keep stride with her. I'm just praying that she won't want to talk; especially about Harry.

"Harry says you're a really talented wizard. Is it true that you saved Hermione Granger's life the night of the Quidditch cup attack?"

Damn it.

I want to ask her why she's asking me if Harry's already told her everything, but that would just be pure bitchiness, and I don't ever want to be like that.

"Hermione was really brave that night. She survived something insanely awful and took it in stride. That takes a hell of a lot of strength. Harry was brave too, he kept me and Hermione calm the whole time. Without him I think we both would have lost it."

"But you healed her. You knew the right spell and how to use it." Astrid prompts, awe in her voice.

It makes me feel uncomfortable to talk about this with Astrid, and I have no idea why. Other people have asked me about that night and I've been fine telling them what happened. Maybe I'm just looking for any reason to dislike Astrid, which is unfair to her. I keep telling myself to meet new people, and it makes sense to get along with Harry's girlfriend. That's what friends do, they behave civilly towards their friend's significant other. I think.

That definitely sounds like something Cho would tell me people do. Nana Mars would probably concoct a plan to destroy Astrid for me. Regulus would make a really bad joke at the worst possible moment and ruin my life. I'm not as young as I used to be, I don't bounce back from embarrassment as quickly.

I turn a careful smile on Astrid, resolving to try my best to get on with her, if only for the sake of my new friendship with Harry.

"I've read a lot of books about Medi-magic. I'd never actually preformed the spell before. I didn't think I would ever have to." Despite wanting to sound light and breezy about it, my explanation comes out darker than I intended.

Astrid seems to realise this, and her expression becomes grave.

"I'm glad Harry had someone to watch his back. He tends to find himself in the thick of it more often than not."

From what my friends have told me, that sounds like a pretty accurate statement. I do wonder though how much of the trouble Harry gets into is because he went looking for it, or because trouble found him instead.

"Harry's had a difficult life. But he doesn't think of it that way. To him, the fight is all he's ever known." I say grimly. I don't know that for sure of course. I only know what I've seen and heard. But Harry carries himself like a person who's just waiting for the next time life tries to break him. Regulus looks the same way sometimes. By comparison I've been very lucky.

I realise that Astrid is peering at me again. She looks both curious and a bit surprised.

"You're right." Astrid says, "Most people don't know Harry well enough to understand him like that though."

And the uncomfortableness is back. Great.

"What about yuu then?" I say, hoping a change of topic will help. "Your cousin is Harry's friend right?"

Astrid raises an eyebrow at me. She's not stupid, she knows I'm changing the topic of conversation on purpose to avoid responding to what she said. But apparently the girl Gods are smiling down on me today because Astrid lets it go.

"Yeah, Astoria and Daphne are my cousins. They're kind of more like sisters though. I've lived with them since I was a baby. My parents died during the war."

Well shit.

"My mum died during the war too." I say. I want to tell her that my Dad died too, but I can't because of Regulus and all the lies we're telling.

There's a long pause full of silence between us, and then…

"It's kind of shit isn't it?" Astrid says, a sad smile on her face.

I mirror her sad smile and reply,

"Very kind of shit, yeah."

After that Astrid and I walk together without talking, but it's not awkward anymore. In fact it feels damn companionable. I'm glad of that at least.

When we finally reach the tower where our class is being held, a powerful whiff of perfume attacks my nose. It reminds me a bit of when Nana Mars went through an incense faze. She still has candles all over the house. Regulus always says that if anyone wants to set our home on fire then all they'd need to do is light all the candles at the same time. The probability of at least one of them setting something on fire is more than great.

Our Divination classroom looks exactly like my Nana Mars' house. There are loads of animal printed shawls, Aztec rugs, oddly shaped lamps, dream catchers of all colours and sizes, and of course about a billion crystals. I get such a sense of Déjà vu that I don't even realise what I'm hearing doesn't fit here when I hear a very familiar voice say,

"Drake Black, you little imp, get your arse in here. Your father and I did not raise you to be late for class, and we definitely didn't raise you to stand around slacked jawed looking like a disgruntled teapot."

What? No, I mean, WHAT?

I whip around to look in the direction the voice came from, and against every odd that has ever been odded, my eyes come to rest on the impossible.

" _Nana Mars_." I whisper with a guttered breathe.

"That's Professor Nana Mars to you, moonbeam."

Nana Mars smirks at me, looking very, very pleased with herself. I really have to give her this one. How the hell she's managed to pull off whatever this is, I'll probably never know. Her pure epicness cannot be denied.

I search the room for my friends. They're all sitting together at a table on the far side of the room. When I look at them meaningfully, they all do some variation of shrugging. They look just as dazed and confused as I feel. So none of them knew about this either. I bet Regulus did though. I am gonna kick his arse for not telling me.

I blink a few times, half thinking that I must be imagining this. Maybe it's just the incense fumes playing tricks. But no, Nana Mars is actually here. At Hogwarts. And apparently our Divination professor. Because my life just wasn't fucking strange enough.

Nana Mars is wearing one of her usual outfits. Pokka-dot tights. Rainbow skirt. Lime green poncho that reveals full sleeve tattoos. Bunny slippers. Ear to nose ring. Tiara. Sorted.

"Let your arse make friends with a seat, moonbeam." Nana Mars orders me. She directs a look at Astrid. "You too Blonde spice." Then Nana Mars turns to address a whole class full of unsuspecting youths. "Tag line for today's lesson 'Should crystals ever be used as weapons? Discuss'."

This feels eerily similar to the time Nana Mars agreed to give a sex education class at my last school. I really hope this lesson doesn't end the same way that one did. I don't think Professor Dumbledore will be as lenient about paint and water balloon condoms as my old Headmaster was.

Astrid squeezes my arm and asks,

"Is this your Nan?"

I look her in the eye when I say,

" _This_ is my Nana Mars. Prepare yourself. None of our lives will ever be the same again after today."

If I actually survive both this class and Potions later on of course.

…

And, the dreaded moment is finally upon us.

Its Potions class time bitches.

I'm sitting with my friends, Harry and Harry's friends. How we all managed to fit around one desk I genuinely don't know, but here we are.

We're only five minutes into the lesson and Sirius is at the back dancing around a giant cauldron, throwing in what looks like sequins, and humming Michael Jackson's song ' _Bad_ '. And Regulus is leant over my desk, face inches from mine, our noses almost touching, as we stare each other down.

"Give me my wand back."

"No."

"Give me my wand back _please_."

"Double no."

"Give me my wand back you evil little cretin."

"Triple no times infinity."

"I gave birth to you, you ungrateful swine. Give me my wand back."

"That is both factually incorrect, and also, _no_."

"I've worked night and day all these years to keep a roof over our heads. Give me my wand back."

"We live in Nana Mars' house. You make illegal potions on weekends and sell them to foreign magical governments. And, oh yeah, **no**."

"I should have just put you in a basket and let you drift off at sea wrapped in your magical rainbow coat. Like Noah. Give me my wand back."

"Noah had a _zoo boat_ , stupid. Moses was the one who got sent off in a basket. On a _river_. And Joseph was the one with the gay coat. Furthermore, no."

"What's happening now?" I vaguely hear Harry ask my friends.

"Weird stuff. It'll pass. Just let it be." Kasper replies, utterly nonplussed.

"What's a _zoo boat_?" Astoria asks, her voice low and droll.

"A zoo, but on a boat." Terry says, with just a hint of ' _I'm so much smarter than you its unreal'_.

"Why would you have a zoo on a boat though?" Astoria says, and even I can feel the glare attached.

"It was God's birthday present." Max says mockingly.

"Drake, just give him his wand back so we can get on with the…..lesson." Cho says. She sounds unsure about calling whatever this is a 'lesson' rather than a lethal event we all have to pray we'll actually survive.

Regulus smirks triumphantly at me and I have the sudden urge to get his wand out and snap it. But that would be morally wrong and blah blah blah.

I roll my eyes at Regulus and take his wand out of my robes. I go to hand it over to him, but when he tries to swipe it, I snatch it back and say warningly,

"No more fighting with your brother or I'll tell on you to my new Divination professor."

Regulus sniffs at me petulantly and mutters,

"Grass."

"Reg- _Dad_!" I scold.

"Oh blinking hells bells, fine. No more fighting." Regulus throws his arms up in exasperation. I let him take his wand, even though I do hear his murmured 'unless Sirius starts it'.

I slump on my stool and sigh as Regulus stomps off back to the front of the classroom. He starts helping Sirius throw sparkly stuff into the massive pink cauldron. Where did they even _get_ a pink cauldron? If I find out Nana Mars has some kind of weird cauldron supplier then I will just be done. Seriously, just done.

Harry pokes my arm. I can feel him looking at me. That same frission on awareness dances a peculiar beat inside my chest. Even just the touch of his finger is too much contact. Harry's intense green eyes are fastened on my face, and I want to yell at him to _stop it,_ whatever he's doing, to _just stop it_ , but in reality I know he's not doing anything. Not really. This is my issue and I can't force it onto him.

I turn my head to look at Harry. I tell myself to avoid looking him in the eye, but his gaze is lying in wait and it captures mine before I can control my instinctual reaction. For fuck sake, his eyes are a damn _ocean_ of green. This whole thing is starting to feel decidedly unfair.

"How terribly do you think this is going to end?" Harry asks after a seemingly endless moment of us just staring openly at each other like a couple of weirdoes on a night bus.

I take a moment to consider my answer. How badly can one Potions lesson with Sirius and Regulus as professors?

"I think there is a distinct possibility that we will not survive this day."

Harry laughs, but he nods in agreement.

"We probably should have come up with some kind of contingency plan for if Regulus and Sirius destroyed Hogwarts. We'd have to go on the run."

I snort and wave a dismissive hand,

"I think you mean _they_ would have to go on the run. I'm staying right bloody here thank you very much. Let the two idiots fend for themselves."

"Harsh." Harry says, "I'd rather go on the run with Sirius than go back to—"

Harry cuts himself off and looks down at the desk. I'd have to be blind not to realise what he's talking about. The people he was with before Sirius must have been awful to put such a look of despair on Harry's face. A tiny part of me hates them, whoever they are.

"Forget that." I say, forcing cheerfulness as to make Harry feel more comfortable. "You can come live with me in Colbie. Nana Mars would take you in." And she really would. Nana Mars is sucker for strays.

"Would the good people of Colbie accept me?" Harry asks, apparently warming up to the idea.

"Course." I say with a shrug. "They love to gossip. You'd be giving them something to talk about for months."

"Good to know." Harry says warmly, his eyes boring into me again, and this time I duck my head from embarrassment.

"So how was Divination with Nana Mars?" Harry asks with a teasing smile. He looks more relaxed now that the topic of his old guardians has been set aside.

I flip a hand from side to side and say,

"We each got given a crystal and had to name it. They are our crystal friends now."

"Crystal friends?" Harry says, his lips pressed tightly together to conceal laughter. His eyes spark with amusement.

I allow a half smile of my own to creep onto my face.

"Yeah, we had to get into pairs and role play solving an argument using our crystal friends for guidance."

"What did you and your partner argue about? And how did you use your crystal buddy to solve it?" Harry asks, seeming fully invested in my answer for some reason.

"We fought about whether pop music is inherently evil or if boybands just ruined it." I say, and then I add more sedately, "Astrid and I did battle with our crystal friends."

Harry's entire being freezes. His expression closes off and instantly goes from friendly and interested to aloof and bored. I've never seen him look at me like that. I take back what I said before, Harry's poker face is epic when he chooses to use it.

"You met Astrid." Harry says, a simple statement that so obviously means something far more.

"Yeah. She helped me find the Divination classroom. I like her, she's nice." I say, trying to sound nonchalant and not like I give a shit that Astrid is his girlfriend and that he purposefully didn't tell me about her. Because now I'm almost certain he left the information of her existence out on purpose. What I don't understand is _why_. It just doesn't make any sense. Astrid is beautiful and seems like a genuinely great person. What reason could he have to hide their relationship from me?

Harry swallows hard enough for me to notice the nervous gesture. It still doesn't show on his face though, which is pretty impressive.

Luckily my friends and Harry's are all too busy bickering about zoo boats and other such nonsense to notice what's happening between me and Harry.

Harry's eyes lock onto mine once more.

"Look, Drake, I-"

Before Harry can say another word, he is interrupted by the two wizard stooges up at the front who are masquerading as professors.

"CHILDREN!" Sirius announces. He's standing in front of the giant cauldron with his arms spread wide like he's a bloody magician. "Today we are going to be making a potion that my brother and I personally invented when we were around your age." Oh Christ it already sounds _awful_.

Regulus has climbed up onto a large step ladder so that he can loom over the cauldron. He's stirring the potion with a giant spoon. Every time the spoon moves the potion inside the cauldron sparks. I am getting so many bad feels about this moment.

Every single student in here is spellbound by the ridiculousness, including myself, Harry and our friends. Although I think Harry and I are paying extra attention because we want to be ready just in case we need to evacuate the castle more than anything else.

Sirius gestures towards the giant pink cauldron and Regulus begins speaking,

"Yes, youths of tomorrow, today we will be making…." And in unison Regulus and Sirius both announce "RAINBOW POPCORN!"

We are all going to die.

The pink cauldron elicits a loud gurgling sound. A sound of impending _doom_.

"This one is about ready to blow!" Sirius tells us excitedly. Oh bloody hell.

Regulus lets go of the giant and spoon and goes to get down off of the ladder. But before he can make another move, the potion inside the pink cauldron…well it explodes. I think we all knew that was coming.

Have you ever seen one of those home popcorn making machines? Yeah, well, imagine that, but without the lid on.

Popcorn of all different colours explodes out of the pink cauldron, rising up into the air and spraying out over the entire room in a massive wave. Rainbow popcorn rains down on us.

Some people start screaming. Others try to catch the popcorn in their mouths.

Regulus is on the floor with a ladder on top of him, and cackling his evil supervillain laugh. Sirius is firing spells at the cauldron to stop it from exploding with so much rainbow popcorn.

I sigh heavily, pick up a piece of popcorn that has landed on my desk, and eat it.

Maybe this year at Hogwarts won't be so quiet after all.

* * *

 ** _Special shout out to-_** ** _TamiLove_** ** _,_** ** _Maya Poltergeist_** ** _,_** ** _piglett_** ** _and_** ** _Lorenzoguy14_** ** _-THANK YOU MY UNICORN BRETHREN!_**

 ** _A/N-So, yeah, Nana Mars is in DA HOUSE! Hilarity and insanity is sure to ensue. Can't wait to start the tournament! x Please PLEASE please let me know what you thought about this chapter, even if it's just a little note. I wuv all reviews long and short x_**


	10. Meet The Debate Club

**_I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER OR ANYTHING CREATED BY JK ROWLING. But in an alternative universe I do, so that's something. I think that alternative universe is right next to the one where I'm the King of the mouse people and wear nothing but capes all the time._**

* * *

Chapter ten: Meet The Debate Club

"He's teaching them the Unforgivable curses." I say solemnly.

Regulus' nostrils flare in what could be anger or just irritation. His grey eyes are cold though. Cold and wary. That doesn't give me good feels about the current topic of our conversation.

"I want you to _stay away_ from Moody." Regulus orders, giving me one of his rare piercing stares.

It isn't very often that Regulus sounds so serious about, well, anything. But when he is serious I can always tell, and I know he means it. Despite acting like a complete man-child most of the time, Regulus is my mentor and my Guardian. His priority has always been to keep me safe. I'm not selfish enough to discard that care just because it's frustrating.

I do, however, retain my right to snark all over the place whenever I feel it is needed. Or, in all honesty, even when it isn't needed and I just feel like being a prick for the bloody sake of it.

"Yeah, I kind of got that when you tricked Dumbledore into taking me out Defense against the Dark Arts and letting you teach me instead." I say pointedly. "How the hell you managed that one, I don't even want to know. Weirdo."

Same way I don't want to know how Nana Mars managed to obtain a teaching position at Hogwarts despite the fact that she is one, not qualified in any way to be a teacher, and two, not even a witch. Technically. I'm not getting into another argument with Nana Mars about muggle magic and the psychic powers of 'volcano tears', which is what Nana Mars calls crystals sometimes.

Of course, I was actually wrong about the first thing. Apparently, Nana Mars does have a teaching degree. She showed me her certificate and everything. I'm a bit sceptical about it though. I'm not sure if I believe that Nana Mars did actually get a teaching degree when she was in Bangkok for reasons unknown. The reasons aren't really 'unknown' to be absolutely fair, but when I asked Nana Mars why she got the teaching degree in the first place, Nana Mars replied ' _I was kicked off of the Ninja 101 course and I needed somewhere to hide from the monks'_. That was officially enough information for me at that point.

I half suspect, or actually this was Kasper's theory, that Nana Mars is secretly an ex-intelligence agent and that her life in Colbie is just a cover. In that case Nana Mars must have hacked into the system and created a fake teaching degree. Although if that were the case then I don't understand why Nana Mars would choose Bangkok as her designated area of higher education. But then again, maybe it makes perfect sense if you understand Nana Mars and all the extraordinary insanity that exists within her.

Regulus points a warning finger at me from across his desk. It astounds me even now that Regulus actually has a _desk_. Like, who the fuck thought that was a good idea? What the hell does he need a desk for? It certainly isn't for marking potions essay's because he and Sirius haven't set any since the beginning of term. Apparently they prefer practical work with potions rather than long, tedious, essays. Terry said it's probably because they just don't want to have to mark boring as fuck scrolls of homework. Hermione is livid about this, as is Cho. I thought they both might faint when I told them that even if they did set essays, Regulus and Sirius would probably just skim them and give a random grade anyway.

Even though I didn't ask, or have any desire to know, Regulus told me that a man's relationship with his desk is sacred and is not to be questioned, especially by snot nosed good for nothing teenagers like me.

When I came in here today for our DADA lesson, Regulus had his feet up on the desk and was pinging elastic bands into a makeshift 'net', otherwise known as the waste paper bin. We spent the first half an hour of our 'lesson' screwing paper into balls and using the elastic bands to catapult the paper balls into the 'net'. Regulus got frustrated when I kept winning so he decided we had better start doing some actual work. And by 'work' I mean firing dark curses at each other for a solid three hours.

Regulus taps his wand on the marred wood of his desk impatiently and glares at me.

"I mean it, you little shit. Moody is dangerous. I love you and if you purposefully put yourself in harms way and die for any reason whatsoever, up to and including saving the universe from killer alien bees, then I will be _furious_. Nana Mars will be furious. Your friends and their parents will be furious. Hell, the entire residency of Colbie will be furious. There is to be no dying from you, am I making myself clear?"

I plaster a smile onto my face that feels more like a grimace. I'm not exactly one for teenage rebellion. That's more Kasper's area. Honestly I've never had much to rebel against. Regulus and Nana Mars have always been pretty laid back about most things. Apart from keeping me away from the wizarding world, I was allowed to do whatever I wanted to do. Of course, I am a rather boring individual, so maybe that counts for something. A natural risk taker, I am not and have never been. Any crazy situations I find myself in are purely coincidental or caused by one of Kasper or Terry's 'plans'.

"For once in your ridiculous life, yes, I understand what you're telling me. No associating with my professor under any circumstances because my fake father doesn't like him. Makes perfect sense." I say, not quite able to keep the sarcasm out of my tone. That might be because I'm not _trying_ to keep the sarcasm out of my tone. Because, hello, teenager over here.

Regulus pouts annoyingly, but says with surprising coolness, with a smigen of awkwardness added in for good measure,

"I want you to be more careful with Potter as well."

I narrow my eyes at him, not quite wanting to understand what he means by that.

"Careful how?" I ask shiftily.

Regulus' brows furrow and he leans over the desk even more, his eyes meeting mine as he replies,

"I know you like him Draco. I'm not blind. But getting involved with Harry Potter, even just as friends, could have disastrous consequences."

I fight my body's natural instinct to blush up a storm and cross my arms over my chest. I'm feeling stupidly defensive for reasons I don't want to analyse too closely.

"Harry is a mate, but I barely know him." I say with reluctant ease. Mostly because it's true. "I'm not gonna go off and spill all of our secrets to Harry just because I feel…. _attracted_ ….to him, or….fuck…whatever."

"I'm sorry, I know this is hard. Lying all the time." Regulus says, his expression creasing into something between sympathetic and relieved. "But there are things going on at the moment that mean the secrecy of your identity is even more important than it was before."

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

I grit my teeth, fighting back the anger that wants to burst free and attack Regulus with questions I know full well he will not answer. Instead of wasting both of our time with an interrogation that will lead nowhere, I say drolly,

"Maybe I should just put a plastic bag over my head that reads 'Do not come near me. I am a super special snow flake. Beware of my perfection puny mortals.'."

Regulus just raises a sardonic eyebrow and says,

"As long as it doesn't read _'My name is Draco Black, and I am the other boy who lived. Ha, ha I'm alive, come and get me Death eaters'_ , then go for it. The bag might be an improvement on your face actually."

I flip Regulus the bird.

"Right, just because I haven't become a bloody Hogwarts sex icon like _someone_ I could poke with a very short and, hopefully, pointy stick."

No joke, for some strange, and clearly insane, reason, Sirius and Regulus have become the fantasy crush for quite a large proportion of the school, both female and male respectively. Personally, I don't see it. Regulus is an idiot. Cho pointed out that since I'm related to both Sirius and Regulus, it makes sense that I wouldn't find them attractive.

I argue that I know perfectly well that they're attractive, I'm not _blind_. What I don't understand is why anyone would fantasise about a man who randomly barks when he daydreams (Sirius), or a man who has taken to wearing dark blue nail polish as a forfeit after losing a game of noughts and crosses with a first year (Regulus).

Going out with either Regulus or Sirius would be like having a darkside Winnie the Pooh character as your boyfriend. I pity the fool who actually enters willingly into that trap. Hopefully Regulus will decide to join me as a wizard nun and I won't ever have to deal with my mad father/cousin/brother/monumental pain in my arse falling in love with anyone. I can only imagine such a manifestation would become horrifying for everyone involved. But mostly for me, because I would have to deal with the inevitable fall out.

A heartbroken Regulus isn't something I ever want to witness. And I don't mean that in a loving way. What I mean is that Regulus is an ugly crier. Like, for real, his cry face is ugly to the point that it literally frightens young children and small animals. Hell, it frightens _me_. And Nana Mars. Although Nana Mars' fear usually transforms into anger very quickly, which often leads to acts of violence.

When Nana Mars saw Regulus cry for the first time, I was around five or six, and Regulus woke me up in the middle of the night. He'd had a terrible nightmare, most likely about Voldemort, and he woke up screaming. It wasn't the first nightmare he'd had since arriving in Colbie, and that one certainly wouldn't be the last either.

I remember feeling a mixture of curious and terrified as I crawled out from underneath Regulus' bed. I liked to sneak into his room and sleep there sometimes. I did the same with Nana Mars too, although she always caught me and insisted I just sleep with her in her big round bed. And yes, Nana Mars has a ginormous round bed. She says she found it at a yard sale and that the little girl who sold it to her told Nana Mars that before the bed had either been used in a high end hotel, or it had been used for porn. The little girl didn't know which.

Why a little girl was selling potential porn furniture I don't quite understand, and neither do I ever _want_ to understand.

So yeah, anyway, back to Regulus' extremely ugly cry face. I climbed up onto Regulus' bed. He shrieked when he saw me and fell out of bed and onto the hardwood floor with far too much flailing if you ask me. I mean, I was a small elfin child, not a machete toting axe murderer. I don't know why an axe murderer would need a machete, or why a murderer who has a machete would use an axe, but there you go. I didn't make the rules, I just occasionally follow or ignore them.

Regulus screaming like a banshee caused me to scream at the top of my lungs as well. But when Regulus hit the floor and shouted _'fuck, my femur_ ' I began laughing instead. I was rolling around on the bed, laughing my little blond head off, whilst Regulus rolled around on the floor in agony shouting about how he was going to pack me up in a box and ship me off to China at the earliest opportunity. It's possibly one of my favourite childhood memories.

Both Regulus and I screamed again when Nana Mars kicked open the door and came bursting into the room carrying a pink bat with nails sticking out of it. She was wearing a cooking pot on her head as a makeshift helmet and she had on her favourite Mickey mouse nightgown and the dinosaur slippers I picked out for her the previous Christmas. When she unwrapped that present she kissed my nose and told me they were the best shoes she'd ever been given. Nana Mars wore those dino shoes everywhere for a whole year afterwards.

Nana Mars waved the bat around threateningly and shouted,

"WHO DARES TO DISTURB MY SLUMBER?!"

Regulus looked at me over the top of the mattress and I stared back at him. In unison we both pointed at each other and unapologetically dobbed the other.

"He did it!"

It never pays to play fair with a ex-Death eater and former Slytherin, so I added in my best timid baby voice,

"Regulus said he would send me to China."

Nana Mars shot Regulus the look of death, which always premediates him getting told off for being mean to me. Or it did when I was little. Nana Mars trusts me to hold my own against Regulus for the most part these days.

Regulus glared at me and hissed,

"You tiny, evil, fluffy Judas!"

I poked my tongue out at him.

Regulus tried desperately to stand up, his hands grabbing uselessly at the duvet. He slipped halfway and landed back on his arse. Hard. He stayed down after that. Eventually I peaked over the side of the bed, only to find Regulus curled up on the floor, unshed tears in his eyes. I was immediately worried and looked automatically over to Nana Mars for help.

Nana Mars rounded the bed, still swaying her pink nail bat casually, and stared down at Regulus for a long moment. It was clear to me that Regulus wasn't just pretending. Sometimes bad memories would hit him hard and he'd struggle to see past them. When that happened Regulus would usually curl up somewhere quiet and try to work through it. I'm not sure if they're actual panic attacks, or just something completely different that Regulus had to deal with. He never liked to talk about those horrible times.

I reached out to touch him, wanting to offer comfort to a man who, despite everything, I love very much. Nana Mars stops me though.

"Don't touch him, Moonbug."

I pulled back reluctantly. I looked up at Nana Mars, hoping for guidance. As usual, Nana Mars did not disappoint.

"Alright," she said, "I'll go make some hot white chocolate coco, you grab the CB."

I nodded eagerly and jumped off the bed to do as I was told. Nana Mars went down stairs to make the coco. It's Regulus' favourite. Mine too actually. Nana Mars has a special cupboard dedicated to all different types of hot chocolate. Cho likes mint, Kasper likes chocolate orange, and Terry likes dark chocolate. Whenever any of us are feeling down, Nana Mars will make us our favourite hot chocolate.

A few minutes later I went back into Regulus' room after retrieving the CB, which stands for the Comforting Broom, from the hallway cupboard. I got up onto the bed and proceeded to use the broom for its primary purpose. I stroked Regulus' back with the brush end of the broom. Comfortingly.

Nana Mars came up with the idea years before she even met us. Apparently she did the same thing for her father when she was a little girl when he had nightmares about the war. Not our war obviously, but a muggle war. He was a soldier, Nana Mars told me, in the SAS. Nana Mars rarely talks about her family, the family she had before us. I think maybe she had children once, but she's never told me directly.

Just like with Regulus, I try not to push. If Regulus or Nana Mars want me to know anything about their pasts, they always tell me. I don't see the point in digging for information when I already know everything I need to. And what I know is that Nana Mars and Regulus raised me, however unorthodox a way that may have been conducted, and I know they love me. They'd do anything for me. I love them, and I'd do anything for them too. I think everything else other than those four important facts is just details.

Whilst I stroked Regulus' back with the CB, I also started to sing. Regulus hates it when I sing. It annoys the crap out of him. With Regulus, sometimes pissing him off works better than being nice. I think that's what growing up a Dark pureblood with crazy parents does to a person.

After a few minutes of rhythmic broom stroking (DON'T EVEN GO THERE YOU DIRTY MINDED PEASANTS!) and the soft, slightly off key, singing of Abba's 'Dancing Queen', Regulus finally stopped shaking and uncurled from his foetal position.

"Alright!" Regulus yelled, "That's enough. Your slow torture has worked, you can stop now."

He turned over and glared at me, eyes red and puffy. He looked awful. I told him so. Regulus snatched the CB and used it to poke me in the stomach.

Nana Mars came into the room just in time to witness me and Regulus engaged in a tug of war with the CB.

"Give me the broom you little fluffy brat!" Regulus gave a vicious tug on the CB.

I tugged back, wrapping my legs and arms around the CB as to claim victory.

" _You_ let go, I had it first!"

"I'm the adult here, Draco, _give me the broom_ or I'll…..I'll…er…..um.…do we have a naughty step?"

We did have a naughty step at one point during my early childhood, back when Regulus was watching Supernanny reality TV shows all the time. But I started using it as a place to read quietly, and ended up renaming it my 'special quiet step' instead, so Regulus scraped the idea. He tried time outs next. Regulus wasn't allowed to talk to me when I was on a time out. Why anyone thought that was a punishment for _me_ , I really don't know.

"Boys!" Nana Mars shouted scoldingly at us mid-tug, "Stop manhandling the CB! It isn't a toy, the CB is an instrument of care, and I will not have either of you besmirch its natural healing powers with your volatile antics."

Regulus and I both pointed at each other and shouted,

"He _poked_ me!"

"He _sang_ at me!"

Nana Mars put down the tray of white hot chocolate and took the CB away from us. She pierced Regulus with a white hot magma stare and ordred,

"Reggy, put some pants on and drink your hot chocolate like a big boy." She turned that hard stare to me, although it softened somewhat. "Dragon, love, stop singing pop songs at distressed people. They don't like it. Remember I told you that last week at the hospital. Mr Smat did not appreciate your rendition of 'Livin' La Vida Loca'"

Mr Smat also did not appreciate me dancing around his hospital bed wearing a cape made from one of his own blankets. But all the nurses thought it was cute so I got away with it. You can get away with a lot when you're small and cute. Do not underestimate the almighty power of cuteness.

It was the middle of the night. Regulus put some pants on. Nana Mars sat down on the bed and tried to teach me how to whistle as replacement for singing, which Regulus ended up hating even more.

That night all three of us sat on Regulus' bed drinking white chocolate coco whilst Nana Mars told us the story of how she got her pink nail bat. I promise to tell that story to all of you someday. When I think you can properly handle the pure epic madness of it.

Regulus brings me back into the present by throwing a wadded up piece of parchment at my head. It hits me on the nose. I feel violated.

"Earth to elf child."

I scowl at him. How dare he interrupt my inner story monologue.

"What _now_?"

I pick up the piece of parchment and mentally enchant it to repeatedly hit Regulus in the face. My silent spell work is getting pretty good.

Regulus flaps his hands around in what can only be described as an exasperated rainbow motion. growls at me,

"I was saying, you tiny toss pot, that we should go through the Unforgivables one last time before our session is over."

Huh?

"The last thing I remember us talking about was you being a Hogwarts sex icon." I say in confusion.

Regulus stares at me incredulously. The wadded up ball of parchment is still valiantly trying to attack his nose. I press my lips together to hide a smirk. I can't decide who looks more pissy, Regulus, or the ball of parchment.

" _How_ is that the last thing you remember? That was _ten minutes_ ago. We've had an entire conversation about blood curses since then."

We did? Holy shit, I must have been checked out something _fierce_.

"Well clearly you weren't saying anything important." I say with a sniff, "It's not my fault you're such a boring Defense teacher."

"I am not _boring_!" Regulus screeches at me. "You take that back or I'll sell you on the black market to the Merfolk!"

I slap my hands over my hears dramatically,

"Well at least we know they'd _understand_ you."

My enchanted wadded up piece of parchment gets Regulus in the eye and he lets out an almighty yell. He falls out of his chair, hands covering his injured eye protectively, and lands on the floor with a heavy thump. I almost fall out my own chair from laughing so hard.

Regulus' arm shoots upwards suddenly, wand aimed at the wadded piece of parchment. He shouts ridiculously, because come on, it's Regulus,

"DIE FOUL BEAST!" And then, "Prenago!"

The attack parchment explodes into fiery confetti that rains down upon us all in defeat.

Regulus head reappears from over the top of his desk. He glares at me. I smile back unrepentantly.

Regulus snaps at me,

"Didn't your Guardian ever teach you never to the attack your superiors?"

"I don't know, _did_ you?" I say, still smirking.

" _Orphan_." Regulus hisses at me.

" _Death Eater_." I hiss back.

"You're a horrible little person." Regulus accuses half-heartedly whilst getting up and sitting back on his chair again.

I snort at him.

"Yeah, and you're a big idiot. But you don't see me smacking the air and falling off of chairs about it."

Regulus waves a hand dismissively,

"Whatev's, _youth_. I don't need no noise from you, bruv."

Oh my cheesecake, _why_?

"That's it, you're officially banned from listening to R&B music from this moment forward."

"It ain't no thang."

"I should have listened to Terry. His Dad went through a rap phase."

"Word to your mother."

"He wore a cap sideways." The cap was from Disneyland.

"Fo'shizzle."

"And rapped nursey rhymes."

"Imma be like, for shiz, bust a move."

"He tried to learn how to beatbox with a soup bowl."

"Holla at ya hommie."

"Stop saying things you lunatic!"

How does my life keep getting to this point? I mean seriously though. I'm starting to think I might be bringing it all on myself somehow. Either that or I managed to piss off a very vengeful God in a previous life.

Regulus climbs over the top of his desk. Why he couldn't just stand up and walk around it like a normal human I don't even want to think about. Whatever Regulus' logic is behind this decision, no one needs to know it. Least of all me.

"I wanted to test my desk for weight endurance. And I wanted to see how slippy it is." Regulus' answers my unasked question, therefore supplying me with knowledge I neither wanted nor needed.

"How were you ever a Death Eater?" I say, shaking my head at him in disbelief.

Regulus flicks my fringe with his wand and shrugs on shoulder,

"Voldemort thought my natural charm was boyishly delightful."

"The fact that an insanely evil Dark Lord thought you were charming is not a compliment." I say narrowly, "And I very much doubt Voldemort ever used the word 'delightful'."

Regulus huffs at me,

"Fine, I may be paraphrasing a little bit."

"I'm shocked." I say sarcastically.

"Right, that's enough of your cheek." Regulus pokes my cheek with one of his purple nail covered fingers. Regulus has also recently decided to start spiking his black hair with that muggle gooey gel stuff. He looks, predictably, ridiculous. Or at least _I_ think so.

Apparently a great majority of the female population of this school disagree with me however. I heard one girl, I think her name is Katie Bell, from Gryffindor, say that Regulus looks like a rock star. All the girls around her at the time agreed enthusiastically. Their fluttering eye lashes and giggles sickened me. I'd never been so grateful to be gay. Straight men can keep their clearly delusional women. I'll stick with my loneliness thank you very much. It has to be better than dealing that kind of nonsense.

When I complained about Regulus' 'fit teacher' status to my friends, Terry just snorted and said,

"You should have seen it in second year when Gilderoy Lockhart was here. Girls are mental mate, simple as. Wish I was gay."

Cho rolled her eyes at Terry and Kasper said,

"I don't. Girls are amazing." He was grinning at Hermione from across the library at the time.

Cho rolled her eyes even harder.

Regulus' expression is disturbingly serious when he says,

"I want to run through the Unforgivable curses with you again today before you hop off to go stare lovingly at Potter from a distance."

I do _not_ do that!

Very much.

His eyes are just so _green_. It should be _illegal_ for a person to have eyes that intense and vivid.

"Ok, hit me." I say, and then quickly add, because this is Regulus I'm dealing with here, "Not literally, you insane hedgehog."

Regulus scoffs and acts like he wasn't just about to hit me by quickly pretending to scratch his nose. With a fist.

Before, whenever Regulus and I have talked about or practised the Unforgivables, we've used a transfigured bird. I always hated it because even though the bird wasn't technically a bird, it still looked and behaved like one. It still felt _alive_. I think if something is alive enough to feel pain, then it's definitely alive enough to deserve a chance to live.

Regulus transfigures his tea cup into a little blue bird and I instantly hate myself just a little for what we're about to do. God knows how I'd be in a real fight with a proper enemy or opponent. I don't like to think about a time when I might have to _use_ the curses and duelling strategies Regulus has been teaching me for years.

"How would you describe the Imperious curse?" Regulus asks me.

I give the same answer I always do,

"The Imperious curse gives you temporary control over a person's mind."

I shudder just thinking about it.

"Great." Regulus says plainly. "Are you alright for me to use it on you today? I want to see if you can still throw it off even though we haven't practised in a while."

My body tenses, but I know that's just an instinctual response.

"Yeah, ok. I'm ready." I say to Regulus.

I can feel the transfigured bird watching me and I try to ignore it's far too intelligent stare. Regulus gives me a searching look, attempting to see if I mean it when I say I'm ok for him to do this. He must find something in my eyes that reassures him because he raises his wand and point it direct at me.

" _Imperio_."

A blanket of calm invades my mind and covers me from head to toe. I feel completely relaxed until I hear a voice inside my head.

 _Sit on the desk_.

I feel myself stand and move closer to the desk and—no! I won't. I don't want to sit on the desk. The desk looks uncomfortable.

 _Sit on the desk!_

There's a bit more force behind that command, and I my resolve sways, but I manage to hold firm. No. No. No. No. I chant inside my head. I won't. I won't. I won't.

 _Sit on the desk **now**!_

I throw that one off very quickly this time.

Quite suddenly the blanket of calm is gone and I'm left standing between my chair and Regulus' desk. Regulus is looking at me, bittersweet pride on his face.

"You did real good, Dray."

"Thanks, Regulus." I say gratefully. I know Regulus doesn't like doing things like that to me, but his desire to prepare me for what I might face later on in my life supersedes that dislike.

"Ok, so, now the Cruciatus curse." Regulus winces slightly even as he says the word.

"You're definitely not using that one on me." I say, attempting humour, but it falls flat.

"Don't joke about it, Draco." Regulus pierces me with a stare so intense that it makes me want to turn away and hide. "The Cruciatus curse is a repulsive piece of magic. I've seen it used to torture people into madness. Good people. Bad people. It doesn't matter. The Cruciatus curse is cruel and unrelenting, and the Wizards and Witches who use it usually are too. I wouldn't wish the Cruciatus curse even on those I hate."

I nod sagely, and point my wand at the transfigured bird. I bite my lip in trepidation.

"Remember, for the Cruciatus curse to take effect, you have to _mean it_." Regulus reminds me gently. He has this look on his face like he's already mentally preparing himself for nightmares. Or maybe he's just remembering all the people he must have seen the ultimate torture curse used on.

"I know this is hard Draco." Regulus says when my hand begins to waver. The transfigured bird hops around on the desk, pecking at the wood surface every few seconds. "I don't expect you to ever use this curse on anyone in a battle or duel, but it's imperative that you understand how dangerous these curses can be. It would probably haunt me for the rest of my life if you got hurt just because I didn't do everything within my power to prepare you for this kind of attack."

I feel a renewed sense of confidence. I need to do this. Some might say that Regulus is damaging me more than he's helping me by asking me to perform this curse. But I think Regulus is right about me needing to understand just how destructive they are. Knowing what it feels like to cast a curse can often help you better operate the counter-curse. Not that that would help me with the Cruciatus curse, but the point still stands.

I think about every moment of anger I've ever felt. Anger at people who have sneered at me and my friends and family. Anger at Voldemort for killing my parents. Anger at the world…..because, come on, who isn't at least a little bit angry at the world for _something_.

" _Crucio!_ " I practically spit the word out like a vile insult.

Maybe we all have a bit of darkness inside of us.

The transfigured bird writhes in the most unnatural way possible. A sound far too much like a scream is ripped out of the bird's throat. I grit my teeth and try not to apologise out loud even though I really want to. After a few long seconds I lower my wand and the bird is left twitching violently on Regulus' desk.

I look over at Regulus for his assessment. He looks almost as troubled as I feel.

"I'm sorry." I say to him. "I'm sorry for all the bad memories you'll probably never tell me about."

Regulus looks right at me then, and he smiles just a little.

"If I didn't love you as much as I do, Draco…..I would tell you everything." He says simply.

I don't actually think that makes sense. But it does to Regulus, and that's really the only part that matters.

"Sometimes it isn't all about hatred." I say.

I point at the half dead bird and whisper softly,

" _Avada Kedavra_."

A flash of blinding green light. A rush of the darkest magic. Then nothing at all.

"Yes," Regulus says, looking gravely at me. "It can be about mercy as well."

…

"Welcome to the first by monthly debate club meeting." Hermione says proudly.

I really don't know how I got tricked into this one. I blame Hermione and her genuine desire to change the world for the better.

Somehow Hermione convinced me to go along with her plan to create an _actual_ debate club. All we really needed was a teacher to supervise and a classroom to use. I solved both of those problems by casually mentioning the idea to Nana Mars. She offered herself and the Divination classroom before I'd even finished explaining what we wanted to do.

Nana Mars is now sitting in the corner of the room wearing a sequined muumuu and a top hat. I thought it was an ordinary top hat at first, but when I got a bit closer I realised that Nana Mars is wearing the talking top hat I met two months ago.

I've been so busy with classes and homework and attempting to socialise with new people and endeavouring to _not_ stalk Harry Potter like my inner crazy keeps urging me to, that I haven't had any time to visit the special room Flitchwick showed me.

I'll admit to spending most of my time in the library. But to be fair, that's also where all of my friends hang out as well. As for the Harry Potter issue, not that there really is one because I'm completely fine and don't ever even think about him at all so shut up I don't like him and I don't want to kiss his face with my face and….wait, what?

I've basically just been avoiding Harry as much as possible. In fact I think I've spent more time with his girlfriend Astrid over the last couple of months since we often partner up in Divination. I like Astrid, and we've become fast friends, which to me, feels like an even better reason not to be around Harry too much. Astrid clearly adores Harry, what with the way she talks about him so fondly. Whenever I see Astrid and Harry together they seem happy and lovey and all that gooey shit.

My classes have been good so far. I particularly enjoy Astronomy, Charms and of course our flying lessons. I didn't realise how much I'd love the feel of being thirty feet in the air and flying around on a broomstick. It's such an amazing rush and well worth being a Wizard just to be able to fly like that. I'm definitely going to try out for our House team next year.

I also like my Ancient runes and Arithmancy classes. They're a lot harder than most of my other classes, but I appreciate the challenge. Of course I'm rather skilled in Potions, because despite everything, Regulus really is a great teacher. When I was home-schooled Regulus insisted on me having a very thorough knowledge of Potions work. Herbology isn't bad either, because it ties in a lot with Potions anyway. Transfiguration is one of my stronger subjects as well I think…ok, crap, I just love all of it.

I love learning new things alongside my fellow students. I love sitting in the library or in the Ravenclaw common room, which looks exactly like a library anyway, and doing homework with my friends. I love sharing a dorm with Terry and Kasper and sitting on each other's beds so that we can talk and argue and play games. Kasper and I have ended up falling asleep together more than once on the same bed. I think it's just because we're used to it from home. Kasper's Dad is a busy man, so Kasper used to stay over a lot of the time.

Once Kasper, Terry and I all fell asleep together by accident and we woke up smooshed and wrapped around each other in a way that would have been mortifying if we hadn't been best mates since we were five.

I woke up first, because of course I would be the one to experience the full magnitude of our potential embarrassment. I tried to disentangle myself carefully and quietly, but Kasper had his arm wrapped tightly around my waist, and Terry's legs were completely tangled up with mine. I felt like a giant living teddy bear. Terry was snoring into my neck, and Kasper was snuggled up against my back. Part of me wanted to laugh, and another part of me vowed never to tell anyone about that moment for as long as I lived.

Nana Mars would try to give me another lecture about threesomes, and Regulus would accuse me of corrupting Terry and Kasper. Then he would have laughed at me for the rest of his life. Cho would probably just sigh and say that she needed to find some new friends. Hermione would blush up a storm like she always does when anything even remotely sexual comes up. I took Hermione to have tea with Nana Mars one afternoon and Hermione almost exploded with embarrassment when Nana Mars told a story about the time she worked as a stripper in downtown Bangkok.

I did wonder if that was the same trip as when Nana Mars got her teaching degree and somehow managed to piss off a monastery full of monks. I thought better of asking though. I was quite sure Hermione wasn't ready to hear whatever story was behind all that if she wasn't ready for a simple story about strippers.

Mid way through attempting to free myself from Terry and Kasper's, surprisingly strong, clutches, I looked up met a pair of sapphire blue eyes from across the room.

Our one other dorm mate, a startlingly good looking boy named Micah Bluestone, locked eyes with me. He raised an ebony eyebrow as if to say 'need some help over there'. I did in fact need some help, but I wasn't sure exactly how to phrase that without sounding weird. Although why I bothered worrying about that I don't really know. I was sure Micah already thought I was pretty weird.

We hadn't spoken much, and I got the impression that Micah felt a bit intimidated by my obviously close friendship with Terry and Kasper. It was Kasper who told me that Micah doesn't talk much to anyone. I always thought maybe he was just shy, but the look Micah was giving me in that moment wasn't shy at all. If anything, it looked more than mildly amused, bordering on smirk territory.

"This isn't what it looks like." I said to Micah, gesturing down at my far too touchy-feely friends, who were still groping me. And somehow also still asleep. I wanted to slap myself right after I said that. No one innocent ever says 'this isn't what it looks like'. That sentence should be every liar's catchphrase.

Micah just raised his other eyebrow at me. His expression wasn't judgemental though. Micah got out of bed, picked up a pillow and threw it at Kasper. The pillow hit Kasper in the face and he jerked awake with a startled yelp. Terry woke up from the commotion and almost fell right off of my bed in surprise.

"What the bloody hell?" Kasper said, his grey eyes darting around the room in panic mode.

Terry frowned at me and Kasper, his expression still sleepy.

"Well," Terry said tiredly, "it's a good thing we're not at home. If my parents saw us like this they'd be all scandalised and shit."

That got a laugh out of me. Micah and Kasper laughed too.

From that point onwards I tried to talk to Micah more. He often went outside by the lake during his free time. I invited myself along a few times. Micah seemed disturbed by my presence at first, almost as if I was invading his private space. But eventually Micah gave in and started purposefully waiting around for me so that we could walk down to the lake together.

I'm glad I decided to forcibly befriend Micah. He's funny, in a quietly sarcastic way, and he's also incredibly clever. It's not at all surprising to me that he's shared the top spot with Hermione for the last three years running.

Micah has an older brother named Isaiah who is best friends with Cedric. Isaiah is quite protective of Micah. Mostly because when Micah was ten he got caught up in an explosion at the Ministry and lost one of his senses. Micah has told me that being deaf makes using some forms of magic a bit harder, but for the most part he's ok as long as he practises enough.

I've dragged Micah along with me to our first debate club meeting. He agreed to come on the condition that he doesn't actually have to debate anything. I agreed easily. I don't actually know if we'll get around to debating stuff this first session anyway. Mostly I'm just surprised that so many people are here and want to be part of this club. I don't think Hermione even had to blackmail any of them into it.

Hermione and I stand up at the front together, side by side, as the founding members of this club. Everyone else is already seated around the room and are watching us expectantly.

"Thanks for coming." I say into the slightly awkward silence. "I think it's best if we start off by introducing ourselves. I know you've all been classmates for three years, but I'm new and it'd help if I knew everyone's names at least."

"Good idea, Drake." Hermione say cheerfully. "We'll take turns standing up and saying our names."

"I'll start my strange little lovelies!" Nana Mars says brightly. She stands up and throws her tattooed arms out wide. "My name is Nana Mars and this is my new friend, Sir Barthem Davenport the third." Nana Mars gestures at the talking top hat currently seated on her head.

"And a good afternoon to you all." Sir Barthem Davenport the third says politely. Which makes me instantly suspicious.

"Hermione Granger." Hermione says, taking up the baton.

I take a step forward and say,

"Drake Black."

"Terry Boot." Terry calls out, jumping up from his seat. He's grinning at me in a way that makes me nervous.

"Kasper Diggory." Kasper stands up next. He gives me a supportive smile. He also winks at Hermione, causing her to giggle and then look horrified that she allowed herself to giggle out loud.

"Cho Chang." Cho says, standing up and elbowing Terry warningly.

"Harry Potter." Harry stands up slowly, his eyes fixed on me intently. I try to ignore him, but it's practically impossible when he's _staring_ at me like that.

"Astrid Greengrass." Astrid jumps up next to Harry and beams happily at me. Astrid takes Harry's hand and he turns to look at her, his expression softening into something sweet and less intense.

I really just don't get him at all. Except I _do_ , and that's what makes it all so maddening.

Honestly, I don't think Harry even realises that the way he looks at me isn't how platonic friends should look at each other. At first I found it hard to believe that anyone could be _that_ oblivious. But after having spent some time around him I can officially say that Harry really is completely unaware of whatever's going on between us. If for no other reason, that's enough to make me want to run a mile.

Harry can stay in his bubble. With his girlfriend. His nice, pretty, sweet girlfriend who, for whatever reason, seems to like me.

I turn my attention away from Harry and Astrid as the rest of the students take their turn standing up and saying their name.

Our attendance list is as follows:

 _Hermione Granger_

 _Drake Black_

 _Cho Chang_

 _Terry Boot_

 _Kasper Diggory_

 _Astrid Greengrass_

 _Harry Potter_

 _Max Malfoy._

 _Astoria Greengrass_

 _Clarke Morgenstern_

 _Micah Bluestone_

 _Jacob Warner_

 _Zacharias Smith_

 _Walter Lux_

 _Lexi Salvatore_

 _Michael Corner_

 _Ernie MacMillan_

 _Marley Greenwood_

 _Sophia Slater_

 _Benji Moon_

Once that's all over and done with, Hermione writes down three potential topics on an old whiteboard. I do not know where she found it and I was bit scared to ask to be honest. An earnest and sneaky Hermione is damn frightening, I swear.

Our three opening statements are:

 **-House elves should be paid for their services.**

 **-The Unity Tournament should have stayed band.**

 **-We should abolish the house system at Hogwarts**.

"Ok." I say, clapping my hands together, "These are our three topics up for debate today. Would anyone like to kick us off with a response to any of the three opening statements written on the board?"

Clarke Morgenstern, a tall red headed girl with glasses, raises her hand and says,

"I agree that we should get rid of the House system."

That causes quite a bit of whispering amongst the other club members.

"Can you tell us why you think that?" I ask encouragingly.

Clarke sighs, looking a bit less confident than before in the face of her peers' reaction.

"I think people care too much about what house they're sorted into. Just because you're put into…like…Gryffindor, that doesn't mean you're gonna be really brave all the time. And it doesn't mean other people from different houses can't be brave too."

"You're only saying that because you're in Hufflepuff." Michael Corner, a Ravenclaw boy with a sulky mouth, says. " _No one_ wants to be in Hufflepuff when they get sorted."

"Actually that's an interesting point." I say, "There is a certain stigma surrounding each individual house."

"Yeah," Max says angrily, "like how people think all Slytherins are evil and shit."

"We don't think you're evil." Kasper calls out, a teasing smile on his face, "We just think you're a load of sneaky tossers. Stop projecting your own insecurities onto us Malfoy."

Max snorts and flips his middle finger up in Kasper's general direction. Kasper laughs, never one to take things like that to heart.

"I don't think it's a coincidence that there are no Gryffindor's in this club apart from Granger." Lexi Salvatore, very beautiful raven haired girl with sea-green eyes and a determined expression on her face. Lexi is another Ravenclaw.

Actually apart from Hermione, our only Gryffindor member, and Harry, Max and Astoria who are obviously from Slytherin, everyone else is either a Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff. I don't know if that's just the way things worked out, or if there's some hidden meaning behind it.

"What do you mean by that?" Hermione asks Lexi, a small frown on her face.

Lexi sits forward in her seat, eyes bright and intent, as she explains,

"Gryffindor is seen as the hero house is what I'm trying to say. Everyone knows that future heroes go into Gryffindor, future evil dark wizards go into Slytherin, book loving know-it-all's go into Ravenclaw, and anyone left behind gets dropped into Hufflepuff."

I think about Cedric then. Practically my whole life I've looked up to Cedric. He's my best friend's big brother. When I was younger I thought he was the greatest, bravest, coolest person ever. He was always so good looking, clever, strong, kind...he was all of those things, and he still is. I could never imagine Cedric being 'left behind', or just 'dropped' into anywhere. Anyone who thinks that nobody interesting ever gets put into Hufflepuff is full of crap.

Another burst of whispering travels around the room once Lexi is finished speaking.

"But what does that have to do with Gryffindor's not being in this club?" Marley Greenwood, a Hufflepuff boy, asks. Marley has an Irish accent and brown freckles covering his cheeks.

Marley's friend Jacob Warner raises his hand politely and says with conviction,

"I think Lexi means that Gryffindor's are thought of and treated as the pseudo popular, cool students, and everyone knows it. They'd never join a club that includes taking other people's views into account. Debating isn't just about arguing your point, you also have to be able to actually explain your opinions instead of just stating them and expecting everyone else to fall in line."

Jacob sits back a bit in seat, seeming a bit embarrassed by his own words. He's a tall boy with dark curly hair and sharply aristocratic facial features.

"The house system is a very old tradition." Ernie Macmillan says a bit pompously. He's a rather stout Hufflepuff with blondish hair. "We couldn't just get rid of it."

"The only ones who really care about tradition are Purebloods." Benji Moon, a small Ravenclaw boy with a quiet unassuming demeanour, says matter-of-factly.

Zacharias Smith and Ernie, both Purebloods, make sounds of angry indignation.

"Woah, now we're taking the gloves off." Walter Lux, a white-blond haired Ravenclaw, calls out with a loud bout of laughter. "I must say though, as a Pureblood, I don't give two shits about tradition."

"Yeah, but you're a blood traitor so you don't count anyway." Sophia Slater, one of Walter's friends says, clearly joking. I think Sophia is a muggleborn.

"Only because I'm friends with _you_." Walter says, and then coughs under his breathe, " _Mudblood_." This causes Sophia to snicker.

"That's another thing to think about then." I say, exchanging a look with Hermione. "Do our blood status' make a difference to how we're sorted? How about our culture, or the way we were raised to view the world around us and the people in it."

"I think how we're raised affects who were are, and then how we're sorted." Harry says with that same fierceness in his voice that always throws me off balance. Harry's eyes lock with mine, like he's talking directly to me instead of addressing the entire club membership, "When I was being sorted, the sorting hat told me I could be in either Gryffindor or Slytherin. He thought I had traits for both houses. It could have gone either way for me really. But in the end I chose Slytherin because I felt I had something to prove, and I only felt that way because of how I was raised."

None of that really surprises me. I could very easily see Harry as a Gryffindor. But then I wonder what I mean by that. Just because Harry is brave and courageous doesn't mean he's more suited for Gryffindor than Slytherin. There's no rule saying that Slytherin's can't be brave after all.

"The sorting hat is a contrary bitch." Sir Barthem Davenport the third says gruffly. And oh yes, here we go.

Nana Mars reaches up to pat her new top hat reassuringly.

"Don't get upset in front of the youths, Barthem. They don't need to know about your tremulous relationship with the sorting hat."

"Um, yes we do." Terry calls out excitedly. "We very much do need to hear about it. In fact I think it's imperative that we do hear everything about Sir Davenport's relationship with the sorting hat."

"I agree." Clarke says, waving her hand. "Please, Sir Barthem, tell us more."

I groan inwardly. This could turn really weird, very, very, fast. I need to stop this before-

"Ok my wonderful star drops, raise your hand if you want Barthem to tell you his love story of woe." Nana Mars says.

Oh no, too late.

Every single member of the debate club raises their hand eagerly, some even waving them around with obvious enthusiasm. Apart from Hermione, who looks a cross between curious and horrified. She looks over at me questioningly.

I roll my eyes heavily and throw my hands up in exasperation.

"Fine." I say in defeat. "Go ahead Sir Barthem, tell them the God damn story."

I already know the story of course because Sir Barthem told me all about it when we first met. I was unaware until that day just how complicated the love life of a sentient hat could really be.

Sir Barthem's love story of woe and ridiculousness involves three epic break ups, one conducted at a muggle airport, another at a wedding for two other sentient objects, and the last on a boat in the middle of the Caribbean. His story also includes two love song montages with a lamp, and one proposal by a top hat in New York.

I don't even...like...just...God, my life is so fucking _odd_.

* * *

 ** _Special shout out to- NATWEST,pirateJELLYFISH,Keith the Evil Dark Lord,Glueroses,piglett and HazelVex-THANK YOU MY UNICORN BRETHREN! EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU ARE EPIC TO THE CORE! TO THE CORE I SAY! Xxx_**

 ** _Thanks so much to everyone for reading, please review! xxx_**


	11. Cutlery Towers And Exploding Bubbles

**_I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER OR ANYTHING CREATED BY JK ROWLING. But in an alternative universe I do, so that's something. I think that alternative universe is right next to the one where I'm the King of the mouse people and wear nothing but capes all the time._**

* * *

Chapter eleven: Cutlery Towers And Exploding Bubbles

"I'm pretty sure this isn't allowed." I say, looking around the stolen dinner table apprehensively. And when I say stolen, I mean that literally. Nana Mars ordered Regulus and Sirius to take one of the tables from the Great Hall and bring it to her classroom. She insisted we have Sunday dinner together for the first time since the beginning of the school year.

I helped (watched and gave constructive criticism) whilst Regulus and Sirius carried the big wooden table up through the castle all the way to the tower. Sirius shouted the word 'pivot' so many times that it stopped sounding like a real word. I began to think that Sirius had just made it up and that's why Regulus seemed incapable of following the order.

It was only when we arrived at Nana Mars' classroom that I wondered, out loud, why they hadn't just shrunk the table and then carried it up all those spazzy stair cases. I was then treated to the sight of Sirius and Regulus giving each other 'huh' and 'wah' looks of mutual stupidity before twin glares of death were sent my way. Like it's my fault they're both sorry excuses for wizards who can't even remember a simple shrinking spell.

"Pipe down, Zelda." Nana Mars admonishes. "We're a family. And families eat dinner at the same table on Sunday's and talk about their lives and everyone else pretends to listen. Deal with it."

"Yeah." Regulus says, pointing a fork with rhinestones on it at me. Nana Mars has her own home made cutlery set. Regulus narrows his eyes threateningly at me. "So shut up and fake being deliriously happy to be here with all of us."

'All of us' includes myself, Nana Mars, Regulus, Sirius, Kasper, Cho, Terry, Cedric, Harry ( _why_? Why God must you test me this way? Why!?), and some random newby none of us seem to know apart from Nana Mars. The supposed new member of our weirdo cult/family has messy white-blond hair, grey misty eyes, and a strangely vacant expression. She's also wearing angel wings and a bug antennae hair band. It seems Nana Mars has found herself a new disciple. How genuinely chilling.

I'm mostly bothered by the fact that somehow, someway, and by somehow someway I mean as a result of Terry and Kasper's meddling, I've ended up seated next to Harry at the far end of the table. He keeps looking at me all weird and obvious-like. I'm about two seconds of staring away from telling him to cut it the hell out and piss off before I do something stupid. Like stare back at him. Or kiss his face. Or punch him in the face. It's a toss up between which impulse I'd choose to act on.

"So, tomorrow night the schools from America and Asia are arriving, are you all excited for the start of the Unity Tournament?" Sirius asks, addressing the question to all of us.

"Oh yeah, a chance to meet students from other magical schools will be really interesting!" Cho enthuses.

"Cho, you've already met students from another magical school." Terry scoffs. "My cousins, remember?"

Cho shoots him a dirty look.

"Shut up, Terry. You know what I meant."

"Yes, Bootalicious, don't be bringing logic to the party all free-style-like." Kasper says whilst at the same time building a tower of cutlery.

"I'm sorry." Terry says in disbelief, "Did you just call me Bootalicious?"

"No." Kasper says amicably, his eyebrows scrunch together as he attempts to get a particularly difficult spoon to do his bidding and balance on a particularly stubbornly anti-social fork.

"Yeah, you did!" Terry argues, frowning at Kasper.

"Then why did you ask?" Kasper murmurs annoyingly without looking away from his spoon and fork tower.

"Huh." Terry makes a thoughtful sound. "I suppose I did bring that on myself. I guess you're right."

"I usually am about these things." Kasper says.

"What things?" Terry asks.

"All things." Kasper replies.

Terry nods to himself.

"Well alright then."

Terry starts to help Kasper with his cutlery tower and the two them work together without any further arguing.

Cho's eyes flicker between them in disgust and she huffs,

"Neither of you know how to bicker properly. It's sad."

Terry and Kasper ignore the hell out of her, too engrossed in their tower building efforts. Cho mutters something about 'stupid boys being stupid' and slumps in her seat. She broods for a few terminally emo minutes. But then Kasper hands Cho a spoon without looking at her and Cho wordlessly joins the building team.

I turn away from my pet weirdoes, for the sake of my own dwindling sanity. I regret that decision only seconds later when I'm greeted with the sight of Regulus wielding a big knife and an even bigger two pronged fork. In front of him sits a roasted chicken on one of Nana Mars' rubber plates. Yes. Rubber plates. She made them herself. They have glitter inside them. It's like eating off of a tiny bouncy castle. Nana Mars calls them 'trampoline plates'.

I'll let you absorb that information a minute.

.

.

.

Alright? We good? Ok then, let's move on to something less devastatingly odd.

Actually, no, we still haven't dealt with the Regulus wielding a bigg-ass knife yet. There is no way Regulus can be trusted with any kind of pointy weaponry. Especially not for carving food. One Christmas Nana Mars let Regulus carve the Catfish-turkey (I'm NOT explaining that one so you'll all have to come up with your own conclusions about it). Regulus accidentally carved the table on his first attempt. On his second attempt he carved a chair. And then, finally, on the third try he managed to carve into his foot. How you ask? How could anyone possibly miss a Catfish-turkey so badly as to cut into their own foot? Well, Regulus was trying to balance better so he braced his foot on the table. Of course. Because….just because, ok.

Regulus lost his shit, and screamed like a sorority girl from a horror movie about the blood and the agonising agony, and for about the billionth time I'd wondered how Regulus ever managed to become a Death Eater. Nana Mars didn't even bat an eyelash as she took the bloody knife away from a still screaming Regulus and man-handled him into a chair. She hit Regulus over the head with a rolling pin when he wouldn't shut up and told him to 'women up for fucks sake'.

I just sat there eating peas from my plate and reading a copy of Justin Biebers autobiography. Know thy enemy.

As if reading my mind, Regulus looks up at me from across the table and says,

"I can do this."

I stare back at him and say,

"I…I do not believe that is in any way true."

"You're my child. You're supposed to have unwavering faith in me." Regulus pouts. He looks ridiculous. I hope the roast chicken comes back to life just to bite him.

"I am not your child. I am a hostage. This is a hostage situation." I look pointedly at the carving knife that Regulus is waving around like a lunatic.

"That's impossible." Regulus sniffs derisively, "All of your loved ones are here. Where would I send the ransom demand?"

"Why do you sound like you've thought about this?" I demand, sitting back in my chair in disgruntlement.

"I have." Regulus states unremorsefully. "You are very annoying."

"So your plan to get rid of me was to kidnap me and hold me for ransom?" I scoff, crossing my arms pissily over my chest.

"No." Regulus says condescendingly. "I _planned_ to set up a _fake_ kidnapping and then ship you off to Japan under the cover of darkness."

"Why Japan?" Cedric asks curiously from my right side.

"Why not Japan?" Regulus counters.

Cedric seems to think about that very seriously, the swine, for a moment before nodding.

"Fair enough." He says.

"Why under the cover of darkness?" Harry asks from my left side. He appears somewhat fascinated by the discussion. I'm not sure what to make of that. Or how easily he seems to fall in line with my family. Like he fits. Just like that. I may need to stage a fake kidnapping of my own if Harry persists in being so unknowingly charming.

"I thought he would put up a fight. He bites, you know." Regulus says, jerking a chin at me. "And I figured it would be less conspicuous at night when I took him down to the docks in a crate."

"Have you ever shipped anyone off to Japan in a crate before?" Harry asks Regulus, sounding genuinely interested and not all perturbed. Weirdo. And what does it say about us that that question doesn't even warrant a head raise from anyone else sitting around this table.

Regulus' expression goes blank and says neutrally.

"Never you mind, Popper."

"My name's Potter." Harry says dryly.

Regulus shrugs uncaringly and says,

"Same thing. There's a 'P' and an 'o' and an 'er' in there somewhere."

Sirius scares the crap out of me by smacking the table with his right hand. I realise belatedly that Sirius' black messy hair has been done up into bunches. With sparkly hairbands. That new girl, the Nana Mars disciple, is clearly the culprit. She's still kneeling on her chair and poking at Sirius' masterpiece of a hairdo. I'm not sure whether she just did it so discreetly that Sirius didn't notice until it was too late, or if she asked and Sirius was like 'sure, why the hell not, make me look pretty'.

We all look over at Sirius. Even the tower building trio abandon their very important work of modern architecture to stare at him. Sirius points dramatically at his younger brother and announces with far too much satisfaction,

"Aha! I knew it! Everyone always said I was mad, but I knew Octavius didn't really move to Uruguay like his 'goodbye letter' said. You shipped him off to Japan in a crate! I bloody well _knew it_!"

"Who's Octavius?" I ask.

Regulus glares at Sirius.

"Shut your face, Sirius! I did not ship Octavius off to Japan in crate. You're an idiot. _And_ mad."

Sirius ignores Regulus and answers my question, a grin still brightening his face.

"Octavius was Regulus' boyfriend in school."

I turn a look of disbelief on Regulus.

"You dated someone named _Octavius_?"

Regulus arches a sardonic eyebrow at me and says,

"Oh really, name judgement from _you_ , seriously?"

"Why would Regulus ship his boyfriend off to Japan in a crate?" Harry asks Sirius.

Sirius makes a mock sad face and says,

"Octavius dumped him. On Regulus' birthday. Because he didn't like Regulus' new haircut."

"Bitch deserved to be shipped off to Japan in a crate then." Cedric says with almost comical seriousness.

"I DIDN'T SHIP OCTAVIUS OFF TO JAPAN IN A CRATE!" Regulus yells.

"I was held for ransom once." Nana Mars says calmly, a thoughtful expression on her face. That is never a good sign. She goes on, "In hindsight it was probably a bad idea to get involved with two enforcers for the New Orleans mafia." Nana Mars shakes her head and sighs wistfully. "But the sex was _so good_." She sweeps a hand out at us. "It's true what they say, kids, the bad boys know all the right moves."

Oh my god _why_?

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, new girl pipes up from beside Sirius. She says dreamily,

"I was kidnapped once too." She sighs and adds, "Nargles." Like that explains anything whatsoever. She clarifies, "They liked my tinfoil dress."

Ok, seriously, I need to abort this moment before it becomes any more soul scarring.

"I don't know what's going on anymore." Harry says, sounding very confused. Finally. He's still an amateur when it comes to dealing with my family, so I let him off the hook.

I pat his shoulder, which I realise quite quickly was a mistake. Heat so intense that it makes me gasp singes my hand as soon as it makes contact with Harry. I snatch my hand back and try to hide my reaction. What the frak _is_ that? I barely touched him and my skin still tingles like it's been licked by a dozen flames.

Ok, new rule, no touching Harry Potter. I'll just add that to the list:

 _No staring at Harry Potter_

 _No kissing Harry Potter_

 _No imagining my wedding to Harry Potter_

 _No blow job fantasies about Harry Potter_

 _No getting trapped in a cupboard with Harry Potter (that happened last week so I thought I'd add it since cupboards are small and boring and they encourage both staring and daydreaming which Terry and Kasper full well knew when they trapped us in there)._

Harry looks at me with a speculative expression on his face. His green eyes bore into me with the power of a thousand bastard suns. He looks like he's about to say something important.

"Drake, did you just feel-"

I cut Harry off by picking up Nana Mars' Elmo salt shaker and lobbing it at Cho, Terry and Kasper's, admittedly impressive, tower of cutlery. Elmo hits a weak point and the whole structure falls apart. Spoons and forks spiral out of control and clatter to the table in ruins.

Kasper and Cho turn to gape at me in absolute horror. Terry wastes no time in pointing a shaking finger at me and proclaiming,

"Ja'cuse! BETRAYER! Our wraith will bountiful and unending you despicable son of a Stormtrooper!"

Silence reigns around the dinner table for a solid three minutes.

Then,

"Who wants some chicken?" Regulus asks cheerfully. He goes to carve into the chicken.

At the same time every single person sitting around the table shouts,

"NO!"

But it's too late.

Regulus misses the chicken completely and carves into Sirius' jacket. Sirius screams even louder than Regulus did when he cut his own foot.

"This is my favourite jacket you bastard!"

Well, now we know why Sirius was never courted to become a Death Eater. Voldemort was clearly very specific when it came to what his followers were allowed to scream about. Cut foot, yes, cut jacket, no.

I wonder if Voldemort ever had a favourite jacket. Or a favourite, well, anything. If he did then I hope someone destroyed it. Probably Regulus.

Regulus drops the big-ass knife and fork onto the table right before Sirius dives at him. They both go slamming to the floor in heap of anger and ridiculousness. Sirius pins Regulus to the floor and hocks back some spit. He lets the spit slowly trickle out of his mouth, threatening Regulus with it. Regulus struggles like a trapped spider underneath his brother.

"Don't you dare!" He shrieks at Sirius.

Terry and Kasper practically climb over the table and start pumping their fists into the air, chanting at Sirius and Regulus,

"Submit! Submit! Submit!"

Cho is still pitifully attempting to reconstruct her tower of rhinestones and woe. New girl is humming the theme tune to Doctor Who and stroking our dog, Siri, who looks worryingly happy in the presence of such madness.

"This dinner is going exactly how I thought it would." Cedric says to me. Then he frowns and adds, "Actually no, not exactly.

"Why? What did you expect to happen?" I ask him.

Cedric shrugs one shoulder and says,

"Not sure. I think I expected something to have exploded by now."

As if on cue a loud bang is heard from what I figure must be Nana Mars own personal kitchen. I wasn't even aware that teachers got to have their own kitchens. Or, actually, maybe they don't. It would not surprise me if teachers at Hogwarts don't get to have their own kitchens and Nana Mars somehow bullied Dumbledore into making her one as part of her contract agreement to work here.

"Oh no! The crystal ball! I forgot to take it out of the oven." Nana Mars exclaims. She runs from the room and into her 'kitchen'. Her zebra print cape billows out behind her as she goes.

Cedric sits back in satisfaction and smiles at me.

"Feels like home." He says. Then he leans over to try and console a despairing Cho about her demolished tower.

Harry seems to have completely forgotten what he was going to ask me and is far too busy fighting to pull Sirius off of Regulus whilst Sirius shouts 'I will destroy all of your dreams' at Regulus and Regulus shouts back 'You said that fourteen years ago and I'm still waiting'.

Bullet. Officially. Dodged.

There's no place like Loonville.

…

Professor Flitwick has all of his Ravenclaws ready and waiting to meet the arrivals from Ilvermorny and Mahoutokoro in the great hall.

Dumbledore announced this morning at breakfast that we would be having a party to welcome our new guests. The hall has been completely decked out with what appears to be a forest theme. It quite literally feels like we're all standing in the middle of massive forest. There's a starry night sky above us and all the walls are green, the ground dark and earthy under our feet. The missing tables have even been transfigured into trees.

In the middle of the room is a platform with a black cloak covering something that sits on top of it. I'd bet anything that the Harmony Goblet is under there waiting for students to put their names inside.

In honour of the Unity Tournament we haven't been segregated into our houses and instead we all stand together in one corner of the great hall. Mahoutokoro and Ilvermorny will occupy the other two empty spaces left in the hall. Dumbledore told us we would meet the students from the other schools formally first of all, and then be allowed to mingle with them for the rest of the evening.

Cho and Hermione practically gave us a Powerpoint presentation about the Unity Tournament last week. Apparently it isn't as formal as other Wizarding events, such as the Triwizard Tournament. Another good thing about it is that the Unity Tournament isn't regulated by the Ministry so we won't have any interference from them. The headmasters/headmistress' from all three schools will be the judges.

"Are Chadwick and Webster definitely both coming?" I ask Terry discreetly.

Terry nods enthusiastically,

"Yep. Webster replied to my letter last week. Apparently Chadwick wants to enter the tournament."

My eyes widen at that. I'm not exactly surprised though. Chadwick is fearless. The Unity Tournament is definitely the kind of thing I'd expect him to be involved with. It's a chance to show off and prove talented a wizard he is. No way Chadwick would miss out on that chance.

"Better hope he gets chosen." I say. "He'll throw a fit if he isn't."

"Too right." Terry replies, smirking. "Remember what happened when tried out for the Turnpike Turtles last year and didn't make the final cut. He came over for Christmas and was in a shitty mood for the whole holiday because of it."

Terry and I both snicker at the memory. The Turnpike Turtles are an American Quidditch team, and Chadwick's favourite team. He was desperate to play for them, even though he pretended like he didn't care either way. Webster called bullshit on that and told me when he slept over at my house that he'd even seen Chadwick cry after the try-outs.

"Yeah, he was really pissy that Christmas." I say not unsympathetically.

Cedric makes a snorting sound from where he's standing behind us with his best friend Isaiah. Terry and I both turn to look at him. Cedric's face is set in an expression of displeasure.

"Wicks was more than just pissy. He acted like an arsehole." Cedric grumbles. He's the only one who can get away with calling Chadwick 'Wicks'. Chadwick glares anyone to death who tries to call him 'Chad'.

"That's because he _is_ an arsehole." Terry says without missing a beat. "No 'acting' required."

"Woah, is this _the_ Chadwick Boot we're talking about?" Isaiah asks brightly, a small grin hitching his lips upward at the corners. His eyes, the same sapphire blue as Micah's, practically sparkle with mischief.

Cedric pales just a little bit, which piques my interest. Cedric isn't usually so easy to unsettle.

"Yeah, he's my cousin." Terry says.

"Ha!" Isaiah exclaims. He pokes Cedric's shoulder triumphantly. "So I'll finally get to meet the love of your life, Ced. Excellent." He moves his fingers together like Mr Burns from The Simpsons.

Cedric rolls his eyes and clearly tries to look unaffected. He fails epically. I feel bad for him. But, on the other hand, it's nice that for once it isn't me losing my shit all over the place.

"Wicks is not the love of my anything." Cedric says almost scornfully. "He's the bloody bane of existence, and that's it."

Terry, Isaiah and I all just stare at him, exuding an air of 'yeah, sure, whatever'.

"Ced, you wouldn't shut up about him all of last year." Isaiah says, raising a dark eyebrow at his friend. "You fancy the pants off him, admit it."

Cedric lets out a frustrated sound.

"I do not 'fancy' him. He's an arrogant, self-absorbed, up himself, reckless little tosser who can't seem to mind his own business about anything. If he went to Hogwarts he'd be one of those Gryffindor lunatics for sure."

"He's not that small." I say with a shrug. "He's actually pretty tall." Tall and built and fucking gorgeous. But I don't say that part.

"Thank you, Dray." Cedric says to me sarcastically.

"What? He _is_." I say defensively. Terry gives me a sly look like he knows what I'm actually thinking about his fit cousin. Mainly that is, in fact, mega fit with bells on. Fact. "Don't get all pissy with me just because you luuuurrrvvee Chadwick."

"I do not!" Cedric growls at me huffily.

Isaiah, looking thoroughly entertained, says,

"Oh, come on Ced, I don't have to say the thing about the ladies who doth protest too much do I? What's the bloke version of that anyway?" He looks thoughtful.

"The lad doth blatantly LIE too much." I suggest unrepentantly, even when Cedric glares at me.

"Otherwise known as 'liar, liar, pants on fire' in the language of today." Terry adds, still smirking.

We all laugh at that. Cedric splits his glare evenly between me, Terry and Isaiah, which only causes us to laugh even harder.

"What is Cedric setting his arse on fire about now?" Kasper suddenly appears at my side, a delighted looking Hermione standing next to him. I saw the two of them earlier talking and giggling together in an empty corner of the room. If they aren't already snogging on the sly then they will be soon. Kasper's never been one for subtlety with girls he fancies.

Cho pops up, pushing through the crowd and dragging Micah along with her. I feel proud that Cho has taken it upon herself to make Micah feel more included in our group. She mostly just bosses him around, and because Micah is clever, he does as he's told for the most part.

Micah and Isaiah discreetly fist bump and Cho spares a glance for Kasper and Hermione, before settling her attention on me. It's then that I realise Cho and Micah haven't come alone. Harry, Astoria, Max, Astrid, and Astrid's two best friends Marley and Clarke from Debate club, are also trailing in behind Cho to stand with us. Max looks as bored and pissed off as usual. Astrid makes up for it by looking genuinely delighted to be alive, also as usual. Harry's face lights up with a smile when he sees me, or at least that's what it seems like. Maybe I'm just seeing things though. Yeah, actually, that's probably it. I'm just projecting my own feelings onto Harry. Right. That's ok then.

Shut up.

"Cedric is pretending that he isn't completely _in wuv_ with my annoying cousin." Terry answers Kasper's question from before.

Hermione, Marley and Clarke look confused so I explain,

"He means his cousin Chadwick. He goes to Ilvermorny."

"Is he coming today?" Astrid asks delightedly.

"Yeah, apparently." I say, forcing a smile at her. "His little brother Webster is coming too. He's in our year."

"That's so cool!" Astrid says, sounding like she means it. Damn, she makes it hard not to like her.

"Is Chadwick your boyfriend, Cedric?" Astoria asks, for once not looking as cold and detached as she often does. I've tried talking to her on multiple occasions, but she usually just ends up staring me down. I don't know if it's because of Harry that she seems to dislike me so much, or if there's some other reason I don't know about. Despite his innately aggressive nature, Max is quite pleasant towards me, which is nice considering we're technically sort of family. I even managed to get Max to laugh once when I told him the story about how Regulus once swallowed a bee and then spent a whole day convinced that the bee was still alive inside him and would turn his stomach into a new bee hive.

Speaking of Regulus, he's standing with the other teachers at the front of the great hall. Regulus and Sirius are behaving themselves for once, but I think that's only because Nana Mars is keeping a close eye on them. Although right now Nana Mars appears distracted by chatting with Dumbledore, who keeps laughing raciously at whatever Nana Mars is saying to him. Dumbledore better not get any ideas. I don't want Nana Mars and my headmaster to become besties. It would just be too weird. I still don't know how she enchanted him into giving her the Divination professor job in the first place. I can only assume voodoo was involved somehow. Nana Mars probably has a Dumbledore doll somewhere in her bedroom with pins sticking out of it.

Regulus keeps taking out his phone and tapping away at it. He did that during our last potions lesson. It turns out he was playing angry birds. Sirius looks over Regulus' shoulder and grins down at the phone screen. He whispers something to Regulus, which causes the other man to slap him upside the head. Sirius pouts at Regulus. Regulus ignores Sirius and continues whatever it is he's doing on that stupid phone of his.

Cedric sputters in response to Astoria's question. He turns a dark shade of red and says,

"No! No he is not."

"Is it like a friends with benefits thing then?" Astoria asks in the same vaguely interested tone.

Cedric sputters up a storm again.

"What are friends with benefits?" Hermione asks in confusion.

"It's when people are friends who also bang." Max explains with hesitation.

"Bang?" Hermione looks even more confused.

"The American means 'sex', Granger." Astoria says with a sigh. She turns a glacial look on Max, "Can't you talk like a normal person?"

"Why? You knew what I meant." Max says.

"Only because I'm well versed in the barbaric way you misuse the English language. American heathen." Astoria replies drolly.

"Ok, can we not talk about anyone 'banging' my cousin." Terry says in distaste.

"Or my _brother_ 'banging' anyone." Kasper says with a shudder.

"I don't know how we go here in the conversation." Cedric says with a hint of embarrassed despair.

"Neither do I," Isaiah says with a grin, "but I enjoyed the ride."

Cedric lets out a long suffering sigh.

"Can we please talk about something that isn't my love life?"

"Ok." Kasper says, a teasing edge to his voice that I learned the hard way not to trust under any circumstances. "Lets talk about Drake's love life."

Oh no, lets never, ever, do what he just said. No. Never. Ever. Never ever. Please.

"Do you like anyone, Drake?" Hermione asks, looking just as evil as her new partner in crime. Kasper and Hermione share a smile of pure evilness. Evilness I say!

"I don't...I think that...you...I can't...just...I LIKE GIRLS!" I shout, the pressure turning me into a prat of the highest order.

"No you don't." Cho says matter of factly.

"Yeah, Dray, you're gay. Remember." Kasper says to me like he's talking to mentally ill person. "You came out to me and for a minute I thought I was in love with you, but then I realised that I couldn't be in love with you because the only penis I'm interested in is my own, and so I figured out that I'm just platonically in love with you."

"Platonically in love?" Astrid says, a small frown creasing her features. "Is that a thing?"

"It is." Kasper says. "And only true best friends forever get to feel it."

"Oh." Astrid says, sounding a bit disappointed. "I've never been platonically in love with anyone before."

Kasper reaches over and pats her arm gently.

"Don't worry. Your time will come."

"Kas, you're a muppet and a half." I say, shaking my head him.

Kasper envelopes me in a tight hug that cuts off my blood circulation.

"Your love touches me, Drake." He says. "But not like that. Not in the bad place. Just on the inside. Devoid of penis interaction."

"Stop talking about penis'." I whisper in his ear.

"That's not a very gay thing to say, Dray." Kasper whispers back.

I slap the back of his head and try to pull away. Kasper just holds on even tighter and laughs. Because he's an arsehole.

I look over at Terry, Hermione and Cho, using my eyes to ask for help. Hermione and Cho just stare back at me all 'what do you expect me to do about it, he's your pet starfish?'. Terry isn't even pretending to be feckless and is openly laughing at me. The bastards. Why are all my friends so annoying? What exactly did I do to deserve this shit?

"Let go of me right now or I will bite you." I warn Kasper, in all seriousness.

"Nah, I'm ok thanks. Biting is a bit too kinky for an innocent hug between besties." Kasper says without any inflection.

"Cedric! Control your brother! Right now!" I shout, whilst struggling to release myself from Kasper's clutches.

"Kasper, stop trying to snuggle your best friend to death or I will...I will...um...I'll get Nana Mars." Cedric says desperately. Ohhhh, bringing out the big guns with a Nana Mars threat.

Kasper sighs dramatically and releases me. But not before pretending to lick my cheek and then dancing backwards when I attempt to retaliate.

I wipe at my cheek and glare at Kasper.

"Why are you so _weird_?" I complain in a whiny voice.

"That's not a very nice thing to say, Pot." Kasper replies in a mock pout.

"He was dropped on his head as a baby." Cedric says, jerking a thumb at his brother.

"Yeah." Kasper says, narrowing his eyes at Cedric. "You'd know that since it was most likely you who dropped me. On purpose. Probably worried I would become the new favourite. Well, jokes on you, because now I'm the anti-favourite."

Cedric gives Kasper the driest look known to wizard-kind.

"What the bloody hell is an anti-favourite?" Isaiah asks.

I move to stand with Micah, my only sane friend who thankfully did not join in with any of the madness of the last few minutes.

"It's when your parents' disappointment in you is so great that they alternate between trying to pretend you don't exist and constantly disparaging your every decision." Kasper says, as if reading the description of a term from a dictionary.

"That was deep shit, man." Max says, his voice low and holding a tinge of what could be a Spanish accent.

"Thank you for sharing your daddy issues with us." Astoria says blandly.

Kasper flashes her a wink and replies,

"You are most welcome angry Rapunzel. My daddy issues are on display twenty-four seven. I keep track of my brooding extensively. I see your prissy attitude hasn't changed since we were eleven. Good for you. I hear petty is the new bitchy."

I silently congratulate Kasper on managing to gain himself a Slytherin nemesis for life.

Astoria's face colours and she raises her wand, as if to fire off a spell at Kasper, which would be amazingly stupid.

Cedric places a hand on Kasper's shoulder and says soothingly to Astoria,

"Forgive my brother, he was born without a filter between his mouth and his brain. It's a very serious condition that we are attempting to rectify. He doesn't actually mean what he says."

Kasper puts on a shrill voice and slaps at Cedric's hand.

"Now, Cedric, don't _lie_ to the poor girl. Lying is _wrong_." He nods at Astoria. "I meant everything I just said. I _promise_."

"Max. Harry. Help me out here!" Astoria growls at her friends.

Harry looks like he would rather impale himself on a rusty spike than get involved in this...whatever this is. Max just looks bored again. He's actually checking under his fingernails like bored people do on TV.

"Tori, I'm not gonna get into a pissing contest with Kasper over the two of you bitching at each other. Stop starting fights that you don't want to finish." Harry says firmly, a glint of steel in his eyes.

"And the great Harry Potter has spoken." I say, clapping my hands together. "Now can we please just stop-"

I'm cut off when shit starts to get real.

A blanket of silence covers the room when Dumbledore suddenly shoots a firework spell into the charmed starlight sky above us. There are a few gasps of awe when the enchanted stars suddenly explode with pure light, and for a moment the sky is almost blindingly white. I close my eyes when they start to sting and duck my head.

A hand grab onto mine and a familiar bracketing of heat laces across my skin. I huff out a breathe and feel my entire body stiffen. I'm about to snatch my hand away when a loud crashing sound causes my eyes to flicker open again. I blink rapidly, trying to see past the blurriness of my vision.

All of my friends are blinking like confused fish the same as me, which is good. Well, not good. But it's nice to have company looking like an idiot. Although certain idiots should let go of my sodding hand sometime soon if they don't want to get caught by their unnaturally nice girlfriend. I'm afraid if I try to pull away that he won't let go and it will only draw attention to the fact that we are actually holding hands.

The doors to the great hall have swung open and on the threshold stands...nothing. Like zero. Ziltch. No foreign wizards to be seen.

Well that was anti-climatic.

Just as the thought trails off inside my head, a large herd of glowing bubbles slowly make their way through the entrance and into the great hall. Yes, a herd of glowing bubbles. More and more bubbles of all shapes and sizes float into the great hall at a leisurely pace. We all watch them in fascination.

There must be at least thirty or forty bubbles in the great hall now. The glowing orbs travel around the room, floating over our heads and dancing through the air. When the bubbles bump into each other they make a sound like a wind chime. A symphony of chimes ring out as the bubbles cross each others' paths again and again. They move faster for a few moments, swirling to create a whirlwind of strange lights. The chiming song gets louder and it almost hurts my ears to hear it.

When they finally slow down again the bubbles rise up and up and up until they touch the stars, and then seem to float back down. It makes me jump like a frightened cat when the first glowing bubble hits the ground because it bursts in a blinding flash of burning blue light.

I almost swallow my own tongue when I see that where there was once a bubble, there is now a boy. A tall, unfairly attractive boy wearing red and blue robes, which are tied together at the waist with a gold Gordian knot. I recognise the uniform right away as I've seen both Chadwick and Webster wear the same exact robes. Its the Ilvermorny school uniform.

More bubbles touch the ground and burst apart in blue light, revealing other Ilvermorny students. I keep a look out for Chadwick and Webster. Apparently they must have some control over where they land, because Chadwick and Webster appear practically right in front of us at the same time.

Webster grins at us, his pale eyes glinting in the starlight. Chadwick looks as cool and perfect as always, damn him. Chadwick lifts a hand and half sarcastically waves at Cedric, who responds by glowering at the other boy and pointedly looking away. Chadwick appears amused by this and not at all put off. I have a feeling Cedric is gonna have his hands full with his not-boyfriend this year, and it will be his own fault for turning himself into a challenge. Chadwick could never resist one of those.

Once all of the Ilvermorny students, and their Headmistress Amelia Thermopolis, have burst from their respective bubbles, they group together in one corner of the great hall. Headmistress Thermopolis goes to greet Dumbledore at the front of the room. Headmistress Thermopolis is a rather short woman with curly brown hair and bushy eyebrows. She looks almost regal though in her impressive blue and red robe gown.

Dumbledore shakes her hand and his eyes do that creepy twinkling bullshit. Headmistress Thermopolis smiles wanly at Dumbledore and moves to stand beside him.

"Welcome, welcome, our American friends." Dumbledore announces cheerfully. He claps his hands together and the door to the great hall fall shut with a loud clang. Dumbledore goes on with no dent in his cheerfulness, "I've been informed that our friends from Japan are having some difficulty with their arrival. Until the matter is resolved, I give Hogwarts and Ilvermorny students free reign to get to know one another in the meantime."

With that he turns away and leads Headmistress Thermopolis back over to the other teachers so that he can introduce her. God forbid she end up talking to either Regulus or Sirius. They'd probably end up causing an international incident by insulting her or just out right frightening her with their weirdness.

"Come on then, before Webster hurts himself from waving at us too hard." Terry says, rolling his eyes in his cousin's direction. To be fair, Webster is waving over at us quite frantically. But I think it's more out of excitement than anything else.

Hogwarts and Ilvermorny students move towards one another. Terry grabs hold of my hand and drags me along with him. I grab hold of Hermione to take her with us. Thankfully he-who-we-must-not-name let go of my hand before anyone noticed. Hermione grabs hold of Kasper's hand, and Kasper grabs hold of Cho's hand, who then grabs hold of Micah, who then grabs hold of Isaiah, who then grabs hold of Cedric. We end up creating a weird conga snake as we make our way to Chadwick and Webster.

Webster throws himself at us as soon as we're close enough and we share hugs and greetings.

"I want you to meet somebody." Webster says to us. He yanks on the arm of a tall, doe eyed boy who looks just as overjoyed to be here as Webster. If that's even possible.

"Hi." Doe eyes says. He smiles gamely at us.

I take a step forward and pick up the 'introduce yourself' gauntlet. I thrust my hand forward for a handshake. Here's hoping I've somehow gotten better at these since the whole 'Harry' hand-holding-on-a-hill mishap of a few months ago.

"Hey, I'm Drake Black." I say trying my best to sound normal.

Doe eyes takes my hand, and thankfully he seems to know what to do because he shakes my hand once and then lets go like an ordinary sane human being.

"My name's Sam." He says. "Sam Winchester."

Winchester. That name sounds familiar.

Unfairly attractive boy with green hazel eyes, freckles and the poutiest lips I've ever seen comes up behind Sam with Chadwick and places both of his hands on Sam's shoulders.

"You good, Sammy?" He asks.

Now I realise why I know the name Winchester. Chadwick and Wester have both mentioned being friends with the Winchester brothers.

"I'm fine, Dean." Sam says with an eyeroll to freckles. "This is my older brother, Dean." Sam explains, elbowing his brother in the stomach lightly.

Another boy comes up to stand beside Dean. This one has almost unnaturally blue eyes and hair the colour of a Raven's feather. He has a very serious expression on his face.

"This is that kid I was telling you about." Chadwick says to both Dean and the blue eyed boy, tilting his head at me.

I make a disgruntled sound at that.

"Whatever he's said, it's all lies. Lies upon lies, I swear it." I say.

Dean's mouth slides up into a smirk so drop dead sexy that I almost fucking fall over.

"So it's not true that you single handedly undid a dark black lace curse on your first try?" Dean asks, with an edge of obvious teasing. Chadwick looks equally as amused.

Well, uh, actually no, that's true." I mutter reluctantly, scuffing my shoes a bit.

"That's some very impressive spellwork." Blue eyes says, his tone completely devoid of mocking.

"Yes, our boy Drake here is _very_ impressive." Webster says, he loops an arm around my shoulders and squeezes me up against his side.

"How did you manage to make that sound dirty?" I ask in exasperation.

Webster waggles his eyebrows at me and says,

"I have a gift."

Oh blimey, I can already tell that life at Hogwarts with Webster, Chadwick and their unreasonably attractive friends is going to be a disaster. Add the death tournament, Regulus, and Nana Mars into the mix and, well, I'll be lucky survive the next couple of months, let alone an entire year.

* * *

 ** _Special shout out to- paullover85,piglett and Bianca Di Angelo 0-THANK YOU MY UNICORN BRETHREN! XOX_**

 ** _Thank you to everyone for reading and please review! x_**


	12. Because Being Alive Is Strange

**_I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER OR ANYTHING CREATED BY JK ROWLING. But in an alternative universe I do, so that's something. I think that alternative universe is right next to the one where I'm the King of the mouse people and wear nothing but capes all the time._**

* * *

Chapter twelve: Because Being Alive Is Strange

I just about shit my unsuspecting pants when the Mahoutokoro students explode into the great hall in a flash of fireworks. About twenty wizards and witches riding broomsticks come flying through the open doors and throw fireworks at us. Well, alright, they probably aren't throwing them _at_ us, but my brain does not register that conclusion. Instead it screams 'YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE IN FIERY FIREWORK FUSION, SHOVE YOUR FRIENDS TO THE GROUND AND THROW YOURSELF ON TOP OF THEM'.

I momentarily panic when I realise I have too many friends, or friendly-acquaintance-like humans, surrounding me. Not wanting to pick favourites, because that would be mean and all my friends are equally annoying anyway, I yank on the friend who is standing nearest me instead. That happens to be, because of fucking course it is, _Harry_. That stupid son of a biscuit head. Why do these things keep happening to me? _Why_?

Harry, not expecting my attack, goes down quite easily. I fall down on top of Harry to **protect** him. Protect him damn it! Not for any other insidious reason. So shut your cakeholes.

Everyone else in the hall is screaming in reaction to the magical fireworks that are exploding around the room. Some fireworks turn into animals and chase each other across the hall before bursting into flares of colour. The Mahoutokoro students are doing some fancy Qudditch moves on their brooms which has most people enamoured.

I'm too busy dying of embarrassment on the bloody floor.

Harry is underneath me. I'm led on top of him. The world may end. And I wouldn't even give a shit because at least then nobody would know what a complete nightmare of a person I am.

Unfortunately the world does not end. Not technically anyway.

"Um, Drake, what are you doing?" Harry asks me, and I just about hear him above the noise of fireworks and excited shouting from other students.

"I'm protecting you from almost certain death." I tell him. "Obviously."

"Oh. Ok. Good." Harry says, still sounding confused for some reason. "Do we have to be on the floor for that?"

"Harry, you are, like, asking so many questions right now. Don't do that. Please. Ok." I say. Whilst still laying on top of him.

Why can't I stop doing that? Not laying on top of someone feels like something I should be able to not do on command.

"I asked two questions." Harry points out.

"Are you sassing me, Harry James Potter? Because I _will_ poke you on the nose. I am that kind of person."

"I don't know what's happening again." Harry says. He frowns up at me. "How are you even a real thing that exists?"

"Ahha! That's three now motherfucker!" I crow triumphantly.

"Did you just call me a motherfucker?" Harry asks in awe.

"Really? Going for a fourth? No one likes a question whore, Harry." I snort.

"Woah." Harry says, grinning like a prat for reasons that probably defy all logic knowing him.

"Stop smiling you weirdo." I demand angrily. I bop him on the nose.

"Stop being so... _ **you,**_ and I will." Harry counters, still grinning with those stupid lips of his.

I have decided that Harry's mouth is my arch nemisis. It will try to bring about my downfall, but I shan't let it.

"My Nana Mars warned me about boys like you." I tell him.

"Did she tell you to tackle them and stare at their mouth like you want to destroy it?" Harry asks.

"Yes." I say. Because Nana Mars knows whats up.

"Do I get any say in what happens to my mouth?" Harry asks.

"And now that's six. I'm not gonna be your baby-daddy when you give birth to a little question mark, Harry." I say.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I am a very disturbed individual. I'm not sure if that was made clear at the door. Well if it wasn't then you know for sure now.

It's then that I realise something very important and potentially disaterious.

The fireworks and screaming have stopped. There is nothing but silence and a few awkward coughs filling the hall.

I feel like maybe I should just die. Like right now.

I know all of my friends are staring at me. I know that everyone is staring at me. I don't need to see them to know. The expression on Harry's face is enough.

Then, in a sea of silence, one voice rings out clear and true and very, very, loud. I believe that a megaphone is involved somehow.

"Dragon, stop making out with Harry Potter! This isn't the time for you to explore your voyeurism kink. Get off of him right now. It isn't nice to sit on people! We've been over this before!"

Yeah. Dying would be good now please.

Then there are other voices and I begin to suspect I _have_ died and that this is actually hell.

Kasper. "Its like watching a train wreck. You know you should look away, but you just _can't_."

Hermione. "Do they know that we can see them? Do they think they're invisible? That would explain some things if they did think that."

Terry. "MY EYES! NO! MY POOR FRAGILE, INNOCENT, STRAIGHT BOY EYES! AHHHH!"

Cho. "Stop shouting and pointing Terry. You're making it even more awkward. And it's already really, really, awkward. I think I can smell the awkward again. It smells like sadness and dissapointment and mint."

Max. "This is _soooo_ going on Youtube."

Astoria. "Max put your Iphone away! No one wants to see two idiots rolling around on the floor!"

Sam. "Dean get off, I can't see!"

Dean. "Yeah, that's the point Sammy. Cas, you're a prefect, there are two students breaking rules. Stop them.

Cas (I think). "I am an _Ilvermorny_ prefect, Dean. This is a Hogwarts building, and they are Hogwarts students, as you well know. I have no authority here, Dean."

Chadwick. "So, Ced, fancy showing me your dorm room some time?"

Cedric. "Piss off Chadwick!"

Isaiah. "Cedric, quit flirting with Chadwick. There's enough sexual tension in the room already with those two weirdo's on the floor."

Webster. "I'm having a lot of fun right now, like, so much fun-Wow, you have pretty eyes! Can I stare lovingly into them?"

Micah. "I think your accent is making it harder for me to read your lips when you talk. You want to do WHAT to my eyes?"

Regulus (with megaphone). "Drake you are making everyone really uncomfortable! I did not raise you to sex up other people's boyfriends in full view of an entire school...at least I don't think I did. You know you shouldn't listen to me when I've been smoking my opium right? Opium gives bad advice. Very bad advice. Like that time you asked me how to get someone to go out with you and I told you to make a mural of their face out of skittles. Actually, screw that, I give amazing advice all the damn time, especially when I'm high. I thought your skittle mural of that kid Dan was very nice. It would have so worked if Terry hadn't eaten your masterpiece by accident."

Someone I don't know who has a weird accent. "Give me back my megaphone Regulus! I only said Nana Mars could borrow it."

Regulus (still with megaphone). "Go away Octavius! I'm busy being a good parent here! You don't deserve this megaphone. You never did. I left it at your house and you nicked it over sixteen years ago. Now my son is going through a sexual crisis and desperately needs to hear the comforting sound of my voice. At full volume."

Octavius (?). "You gave me this megaphone for Valentine's day. It was a gift. You can't do take backs on gifts, Regulus. And who the hell did you knock up to have a kid anyway? Was it that bint Maud? I knew she would get her claws into you after I left, that sneaky little frog!"

Sirius. "Holy shit, did you have _the sex_ with Maud Mcgreggor, Reg? Moldy Mcgreggor, _seriously_ though? I know we were on the outs back then brother, but there was no need to stoop that low. I could have helped you get laid by someone who didn't look like a demented tadpole."

Nana Mars. "Octavius, Sirius told us all about how Regulus tried to sell you on the black market after you dumped him for having rubbish hair. Completely understandable reason for dumping by the way, his hair does look awful. What kind of socks are you wearing? Are they blue? Because blue socks are lucky when you wear them on a full moon."

What the actual fuck? Clearly I am dead if Regulus' ex-boyfriend is here in hell with me.

I feel someone tap on my shoulder. It's Astrid. Because of course it is.

"Are you guys ok?" She asks looking genuinely concerned damn her.

Harry looks mildly panicked now that he's faced with the curious frown of his girlfriend. Good.

I heft myself up and off of Harry (WHY UNIVERSE _WHY_?), with the help of Kasper and Terry. They're both snickering and pretending not to like the arseholes that they are. Sod them. I need to make better friends. Or at least saner friends.

"We're both fine, thank you, Astrid." I say, but I keep my eyes firmly averted from her face.

I feel guilty, but I'm not sure why yet. Which is just fucking fantastic.

Max holds a hand out to help Harry stand up. Harry accepts the offered hand and gets to his feet with all the grace of brain damaged gazzelle. He looks like Bambi trying to walk for the first time. It's odd as fuck to watch. And kind of hot. Which just goes to show how disturbed my brain is.

Harry is being a prat and trying to catch my eye. When he realises that ain't happenin', he tries to explain to Astrid why I tackled him to the floor, but she's not getting. How could she, no one sane should ever want to. She looks pretty amused though, amongst the confusion I mean.

I leave Harry and Astrid to sort out their shit, and turn to face my legion of tosser friends. They all stare back at me. At least everyone else in the hall has gone back to chatting. People are still throwing me strange looks, but I'm mostly used to that by this point. The Mahoutokoro students have stopped flying around and are now mingling with the other students from Hogwarts and Ilvermorny.

I look over at Regulus. He's waving his arms around frantically like a lunatic (because when is he ever _not_ ). He appears to be arguing with some random bloke I've never seen before. I assume him to be the infamous Octavius.

'Octavius' is tall, Asian, and way too attractive to have ever dated Regulus. For real. He looks like an actual super model or some shit.

Regulus and Octavius are glaring at each other and obviously arguing about whatever it is old people who used to date usually argue about.

Nana Mars has taken back the megaphone and is putting it on Dumbledore's head like a hat. He does not seem bothered by this. She is wearing his wizards hat. On her shoulder. Headmistress Thermopolis is whispering with Sirius and both of them are smirking at Regulus conspiringly. I would almost feel bad for Regulus if he hadn't said the thing about the skittles.

I worked fucking hard on creating that mural. At the time Dan, one of Cedric's muggle friends, had been the future love of my life. I was ten. When Terry ate it I iced him out for a full week. I eventually forgave Terry after he got me two new giant bags of skittles and cried outside my door that I couldn't leave him alone with only Cho to talk to because Kasper was my best friend and would always be on my side, and Cho was just a stupid _girl_.

I mooned after Dan for months, which everyone else thought was cute and hilarious, including Dan, except for Cedric. That was probably because Dan and Cedric were secret boyfriends. It became not at all secret when I found them snogging in a cupboard. Busted! I ran crying from the house shouting that my life was over and that I'd never find love and that Cedric was a home wrecker. Which of course made no sense at all because I was ten and still kind of thought kissing was gross.

Cedric broke up with Dan after that for some reason. He also told his Dad that he's bisexual. His coming out was a lot more dignified than mine. Mostly because his Dad wasn't a lunatic who demanded to know who he was banging or another lunatic who accused him of having an incest kink.

"Why is Regulus' ex-boyfriend here?" I ask my friends.

Cho raises an eyebrow at me critically.

"Well you would know if you hadn't been so busy doing... _whatever_ that was with Harry. On the floor. While laying on top of him."

"Yeah, like, why were you doing that again?" Kasper asks me. He looks way too happy. I think I might have to kick him in the knee to bring misery back into his life. No one should go too long without it, otherwise they might forget how terrible it is to be alive and behave accordingly.

All of my friends are now staring at me, waiting for an explaination. I take a deep breathe and attempt to give them one.

"Ok, I thought we were all gonna die because crazy firework throwers were trying to murder our faces with explody fusion and stuff. But then I realised that I didn't have time to save all of you so I just jumped on the nearest person, which was Harry because the universe has a vendetta against me for some reason and is trying to slowly destroy me and everything I care about. So watch out because I care about you people, even though I probably shouldn't because you're all arseholes who keep LAUGHING AT ME COUGH KASPER AND TERRY COUGH!"

(I don't actually cough I just say the word 'cough' because my fake coughing sounds dumb and strangely feminine, unlike my sneezing which sounds like a bomb has come out of my nose).

"When I realised that we weren't all about to be annihilated by Asian Qudditch assassins I tried to get up but I was thwarted in that attempt by Harry who started asking me all these difficult questions and I called him a motherfucker and Nana Mars shouted at me about voyeurism kinks and Regulus got into a bitch fight with his ex over a megaphone and something about Regulus having sex with a tadpole, which we'll defintely be addressing later because WHAT THE _FRAK_?, and everyone was staring at me because it looked like I was bad touching Harry and none of you helped at all because you're awful, awful, people who deserve to be eaten by hords of pandas and I hate you. So there. That's what happened. Happy now, you despicable, unhelpful, monsterous **fiends**? Ha, see what I did there, I called you all fiends instead of friends because they both start with an 'F' and because every single one of you is _dead to me_."

They all stare at me like I've gone mental. Well, except for Terry, Kasper and Cho. Nothing I say, or shout, fazes them anymore. And I'm pretty sure I shouted that last part pretty loudly.

"What... _are_ you?" Astoria asks, looking clearly horrified by my very existence.

"He's a Black." Kasper explains, as if that means anything. Although, actually, it might if they'd ever had a conversation with Regulus and Sirius.

"English people are freakin' weird." Dean says to the blue eyed boy who I think he called 'Cas' earlier.

Cas says, his expression almost eerily serious,

"You said the same thing about me when we first met, Dean."

Dean looks partially amused by this, but a blush makes its way over his cheeks that tells a different story altogether.

"Yeah." Dean says. "And I was right about that too." But the look on his face when he regards Cas is almost...fond?

Americans are obviously completely insane.

Before anyone else has the chance to say anything, I hear Nana Mars once again over the megaphone.

"Dragon stop bloody yelling about the deep love you have for your friends!" She yells. "It's rude!"

I take it back. _Now_ I can die.

...

"The intructions for the tasks the champion teams will face this year have already been examined by myself, Headmistress Thermopolis, and Headmaster Hoshi." Dumbledore says far too joyfully.

Once everyone stopped talking and acting like idiots, we all gathered together to listen to Dumbledore womble on about the Unity Tournament.

Courtesy of Hermione and Cho, I was filled in on what I missed. Apparently Octavius Hoshi is the new Headmaster for Mahoutokoro. Thier previous Headmaster died very recently, and as Octavius was the deputy head at the time it was put on him to come to Hogwarts with his students as Mahoutokoro's representative.

Sirius is loving this new development obviously. He hasn't stopped smirking ever since Octavius got here. I didn't lend much credence to Sirius' accusation of Regulus shipping his ex off to Japan, but there has to be some truth to it because Octavius must have been living in Asia for years to have gotten a job at Mahoutokoro.

I can already see that the rest of this year will consist of Sirius merclessly taking the piss out of Regulus and Regulus threatening him with bodily harm whenever he does so. Which I predict will be, like, at every oppertunity knowing Sirius.

"What do you want to bet that Regulus will have killed his ex or his brother by the end of this year?" Terry whispers to us. Us meaning me, Cho, Webster, Sam, Hermione and Kasper, as we've kind of formed our own little anit-social huddle in the corner of the room away from everyone else. As a form of protest. I'm not sure what we're protesting yet, but I'm sure I'll think of something if anyone asks.

"End of the year?" Kasper says sceptically. "That's a bit generous. This is Regulus we're talking about. I once saw him punch an oak tree because it was looking at him funny. I give it a week, two tops."

"Or how about that time he kicked a hedgehog over a fence because it bit his toe? But then it turned out that it wasn't a hedgehog and was actually a spiky rock that Regulus had stubbed his toe on? I give it three days before we find Regulus laughing over a dead body. Most likely Sirius'" Cho says matter-of-factly.

"Is Regulus the one who threw his boot at Headmaster Hoshi and shouted _'My hair is fucking epic you noob_ '?" Sam asks earnestly. I've only known him for a few hours, but Sam Winchester appears interested in learning just about _everything_ there is to know about _everything **ever**_.

It seems that we've found another book-nerd weirdo to join our group. Excellent, excellent. The dork uprising is becoming more and more possible with every passing day.

"Yes, that was my...um, father." I say with more than a little reluctance. It still feels bizzare to call Regulus my Dad instead of my...pet idiot. At best. At worst he's the loud creepy bloke who cries all the time that lives with me and Nana Mars.

Sam's eyes narrow on me specutively and I realise he picked up on my hesitance. I tell myself to be more careful around observant people. I'm too used to hanging around humans who already know all my secrets and dumbos who notice nothing because they are dumbos. Sometimes they're the same thing.

"And the guy who laughed so hard that he curled up into a ball on the ground is Regulus' older brother, Sirius." Webster tells Sam. "Sirius is Harry Potter's Godfather too."

"And Harry's the guy who Drake fell on?" Sam asks.

"No." Terry says, grinning broadly at my expense. "Drake didn't _fall_ on Harry, he _jumped_ on him and tackled the poor sod in a fit of scary gay lust." Terry wiggles his fingers in my direction.

I scowl at him and slap at his fingers.

"I only did it to save his stupid life!" I snap.

Kasper snorts at that.

"Save his life from what exactly, Dray? That firework of a baby duck that burst right above your head? Ohhh, yes, a _baby duck_ , how _terrifying_."

"Hey, ducks are evil bastards actually." Webster says with a shudder. "Bloodthirsty little shits they are."

Sam raises a judgy eyebrow at Webster,

"Says the guy who fed pieces of duck pie to some ducks a few months ago."

"And they ate it!" Webster hisses. "Ducks are cannibals! They are evil I say! _Pure evil_!"

I poke Kasper in the chest. Hard.

"And it's DUCKLINGS, not 'baby ducks' you uncultered simpleton." I say.

Hermione and Cho look at each other in open despair.

"How do we keep getting to this point in the conversation?" Hermione asks.

Cho turns her nose up at us and replies,

"Boys ruin all things. Fact. I don't even know why we put up with their continued existence on our planet. If I was in charge then they'd be the first annoyance I'd have blasted into space."

"What else would you have blasted into space?" Kasper asks her.

Cho turns a molten glare on Kasper,

"I wasn't talking to you. I was talking _about_ you. Learn the difference." Then she looks at Hermione and says far more nicely, "I'm really glad we finally have another girl in our group. I thought I was going mad with just three boys to talk to all the time."

"I can defintely understand that." Hermione says, ignoring the wounded look on Kasper's face. "They do seem very loud and annoying."

"Oh, you don't even _know._ " Cho says with a overly dramatic sigh.

"Hey!" Kasper, Terry and I all chorus at the same time.

"So, _do you_ have a thing for Harry Potter then?" Sam asks me thoughtfully.

Webster elbows Sam in the side and stage-whispers,

"We aren't supposed to talk about it."

Terry joins in and also 'whispers',

"Potter has a girlfriend who keeps trying to be Drake's new best friend for life, which is really funny and awkward because Drake has a major hard on for Potter."

Kasper presses a finger against his lips and ssshhhh's Terry.

"It's a secret." Kasper says, "No one knows about it except everyone who isn't blind. I'd say blind or deaf, but Micah is deaf and he knows as well, so."

"I think that's unfair to blind people." Hermione says, smirking at me. "You don't need to see the creepy sex staring to feel the grossness of it in the air."

"I hate you all." I grumble, crossing my arms over my chest petunately.

Cho pretends to play a tiny violin and makes a 'so sad' face at me.

I have the worst friends.

Our attention is dragged back to the front of the room when Dumbledore says,

"After consulting with the Ministry of magic's head of magical games and sports department, Mr Ludo Bagman, we have agreed to change a few rules and regulations of the Unity tourament. The most important change is that the three teams will no longer contain a student from each school. Instead the three teams will be made up of students from the same school. We have modified the Harmony goblet to choose three students from each school to be put in a team for 'Equality', 'Tolerance' or 'Freedom'."

There's an explosion of noise from all the students as they discuss this latest development.

"What the crap?" Terry says, frowning.

"Doesn't that go against the entire point of the Unity tournament?" Hermione says incredulously. "The teams are supposed to be a mix of students from each of the three schools so that they can work _together_ during the tasks, not compete against one another."

My friends and I all exchange varied looks of confusion. It is a bit weird that they would change the tournament so drastically. The Unity tournament isn't meant to be a compitition between the schools. We're supposed to be learning how to work with people from different backgrounds. Or at least that's what all the books I've read about it have said.

"The rivalry is gonna be _fierce_ when all this kicks off _._ " Webster says.

"One more bloody reason not to enter." I say.

" _Please_ tell me none of you are actually gonna enter this stupid thing." Cho asks worriedly.

"Do I look like a _Gryffindor_ to you?" Terry says in disgust.

"I just got out of having to play Qudditch." Kasper says with a snort, "I'm not gonna throw myself into the fire again. Dad would love it way too much. He'll have to settle for just _one_ **champion son."**

"Cedric won't actually enter, will he?" I ask fearfully. The thought of Cedric putting himself in danger like that makes something hot and acidic twist inside my chest.

"He might." Sam says. "My brother is entering and so's Chadwick."

Of course they are. All the hot older blokes have death wishes. Makes perfect sense.

I pretty much block out the rest of Dumbledore's speach, figuring that my friends can catch me up later on what I missed.

I'm too busy scaring myself to death thinking about all the terrible things that could happen to Cedric if he enters. I'll have to stop him. Kidnap him and keep him locked up in Nana Mars' lair if I have to. Anything to keep Cedric safe.

I search the hall for Cedric. I find him after only a few seconds standing with Chadwick, Dean, Cas and Isaiah. The five of them are talking heatedly about something, probably the tournament and if they should enter or not.

Even so when Cedric looks up his eyes naturally gravitate towards me and we lock gazes. I stare at him for a long time, emotions churning inside my gut that I'd rather not feel right now, or ever. Cedric isn't just my best friend's older brother, he's the one person I've always been able to depend on. He's been the same kind, strong, understanding boy ever since I met him for the first time all those years ago. I cannot stand even the thought of him one day not being there.

Cedric has been my lighthouse in every storm I've ever had to go through. It sounds stupid, I know, but I honestly think I would have been lost a long time ago if it weren't for him. Cedric makes everything ok, even if only for a little while. He makes me feel like I can survive my living nightmares, fight any battle, do whatever I need to do, as long as I have him in my corner.

A memory hits me then, of something I haven't thought about in years.

 **~flashback~**

 _"Jesus, Draco, what are you doing out here?" Cedric sits down next to me on the sand. I can feel his concerned gaze looking me up and down._

 _I bring my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them tightly. Rain falls like mist over the beach, causing the sea to look like it's part of the sky, stretching on and on forever._

 _I feel safe on this beach. Colbie beach. My home. I've never known anything else. At least not that I can remember. Even now, when the remains of a storm is twisting my beach into a macabre version of itself, there's still nowhere else I'd rather be when the world feels so off kilter. There have been moments when I've wondered if Regulus finding this place was an accident, or if this town, this beach, knew what we needed and called us in._

 _We stayed because of Nana Mars, but something made Regulus choose this town in the first place, and I'm not jaded enough to disregard the idea that that something might have been magical. Maybe it was **old** magic. The magic of the earth and sea and all the life that they both hold within and upon them._

 _Colbie felt us, knew us in a single breath, and decided that we were meant to be a part of it._

 _Nana Mars once whispered to me in the middle of the night as we laid on this beach and looked up at the stars, that Colbie takes in those who need a home. A home that they know will be there for as long as they need it._

 _Waves crash against the shore, sounding muffled to my own ears. I rest my chin on my knees and refuse to respond to Cedric's question. It doesn't matter why I'm out here at four o'clock in the morning, alone. It only matters that I am here at all. It only matters that nothing short of a tornado picking me up and taking me away could make me move from this spot._

 _Cedric doesn't push. He never does. If anyone knows the importance of being able to keep some thoughts to yourself, it's Cedric. He hides so much of himself behind the persona that he created to please his father. I sometimes worry that he'll lose sight of who he really is. I know I'll be here to remind him, of course, but one day that might not be enough._

 _"I had that dream again." I tell him, after a significant pause that lies heavy between us._

 _Cedric makes a pained expression._

 _"Yeah, I thought maybe that was why you were out here."_

 _"It bothers me that I still don't know if it's a memory or not." I say, frustrated in ways I cannot explain to him or myself._

 _"Do you remember more of it this time?" Cedric asks, still watching me intently._

 _For the past few weeks I've been having the same dream over and over again every single time I try to sleep. The dream is of the night my parents died. The night Harry Potter's parents died. The night we both became orphans. The night neither of us was supposed to survive._

 _It's like I'm being haunted by my own subconscious. Which is, as ever, a pain in the fucking arse. Insomnia is a bitch and a half, no joke._

 _Today during our bi-monthly town meeting Cho had to pinch me ten times whilst Mr Nox Fox (which the whole town agrees is a fake name because come **on** ) whinged about his hand made knitted garden gnomes being stolen **again**. He made sure to mention at every opportunity that those gnomes were **imported from Mulan** and are worth three thousand pounds each (who the bloody hell pays three thousand pounds for a knitted **gnome**? Lunatics, that's who). The people of Colbie are mental. Truth._

 _Every time I almost fell asleep Cho would pinch my arm. I assigned her the position of my sleep-watcher because the last time I fell asleep with Kasper and Terry in the vicinity they drew on my face with sparkly gel pens. Tossers. Kasper drew a Mario cart mushroom on my cheek and Terry wrote 'knobhead' on my forehead. The worst part was that no one told me I had pen on my face until I got home and Regulus laughed so hard that he fell over the back of the sofa. He called me 'Shroom face' for weeks._

 _I eventually got Regulus to stop teasing me about it by stealing his favourite neon pink trainers (because in case you hadn't picked up on it yet, Regulus is a nine year old child living inside a grown man's body) and threatening to set them on fire with the barbecue blow torch. He swore to stop calling me 'Shroom face' and I relinquished possession of the neon pink trainers. Regulus snatched them from me viciously and cuddled the trainers to his chest. He stroked one of them like a pet guinea pig and whisper-hissed 'my precious' a few too many times. It was a weird moment._

 _Fortunately Terry and Kasper didn't have time to take advantage of my tired state during the town meeting because they were too busy failing to hide their demented laughter. Of course it was them who stole the ridiculous gnomes. Again. They steal the gnomes every year at the beginning of the summer holidays. Then in the last week they 'hide' them in weird places all over town. Like sitting on the alter in the Church, or hanging upside-down from a lamp post. It's a tradition. A stupid one. Cho and I don't involve ourselves in their illegal antics._

 _And yet for some reason Mr Fox accuses me **every single year**. I personally think its because he hates Regulus. Mr Fox was doing some work on his house a few years ago and some Colbie members were helping out in a very community-spirit kind of way. Regulus was among them. He was supposed to be helping to paint Mr Fox's living room walls. I warned Mr Fox not to let Regulus into his house, but the man didn't listen to me. Predictably Regulus set fire to Mr Fox's coffee table. No one is exactly sure how that happened, not even Regulus._

 _I was not at all surprised though to walk past Mr Fox's house with my friends after school only to see Regulus come bursting out the front door and then run full pelt down the road with Mr Fox hot on his heels wielding one of his knitted gnomes like a weapon. He eventually caught up to Regulus and began hitting him over the head with the knitted gnome. Me, Cho, Kasper, Cedric and Terry all stood together at the top of the road watching the gnome violence unfold._

 _"I remember...a flash of green light. A lot of screaming. But that's it." I tell Cedric with a heartfelt sigh._

 _"I think I have a theory for why you keep having these dreams." Cedric offers cautiously._

 _I look over at him and nod for him to explain._

 _Cedric lets out a long breathe and says,_

 _"Cho, Terry and my brother are going off to Hogwarts soon."_

 _I see where he's going with that._

 _"And I'm gonna be stuck here. Alone." I say quietly. I grit my teeth, trying to hold back a sudden swelling sensation in my throat._

 _"Hey, you won't be alone." Cedric says. He reaches out a hand and touches my arm gently._

 _"It was bad enough when you left." I say, voice breaking as I faiL to hide my despair at the memory of Cedric leaving for Hogwarts for the first time. It had felt like I was losing him forever, even though it was only for a few months until the Christmas break. I worried constantly that he would never come back home. That he would leave me. It was an irrational fear, of course, but that didn't make it feel any less real to me._

 _"You don't think it was hard for me to go, Draco? To say goodbye to you?" Cedric says heatedly, getting worked up himself with suppressed emotions. "I didn't know how the bloody hell I would go months without hearing you natter on about nonsense, or having you make me laugh when no one else can, or being able to sit on the beach together and listen whilst you read me your newest favourite book." Cedric squeezes my arm with an unfamiliar kind of desperation that I can't quite interpret. "What would I do without you, Draco Black?"_

 _I swallow hard, unsure how to respond to so much honesty. Cedric hardly ever talks like that, with real feeling in his voice rather than forced, well put together, emotion._

 _I place my hand on top of his and say,_

 _"You did ok without me. You got glowing reports from your teachers, and all the other students in your year loved you."_

 _Cedric smiles. But it's a sad smile that I instantly want gone from his face._

 _"I'd still rather be here. This is home. Colbie is home. You are..." Cedric trails off, leaving the obvious unsaid, for which I find myself oddly grateful._

 _"What will I do when you're all gone?" I ask him. "Start a knitting club? I won't do it, Cedric. I've heard what goes on at those things. Nana Mars told me."_

 _"Oh, I don't know, you could finally set to task house training Regulus." Cedric says jokingly._

 _"You can't train Regulus' level of idiot." I say, rolling my eyes. "I should just release him into the wild or something."_

 _"He'd probably get eaten by a polar bear." Cedric says._

 _"There aren't any polar bears in England."_

 _"I don't think that would stop Regulus from getting eaten by one. I mean, come on, it's **Regulus**." Cedric replies drolly._

 _I start laughing then, and soon Cedric does too. We laugh until the sun comes up and all our fears and worries and nightmares are taken away with the storm._

 **~flashback~**

I think maybe I'm too young to feel this much. I think maybe we all are.

I break eye contact with Cedric first.

* * *

 ** _Sp **ecial** shout out to- KeegSlytherin,HunnyBook,MagnafloriousWorld,HazelVex and the Guest who took the time to review-THANK YOU MY UNICORN BRETHREN! YOU ROCK! HARD! IN THE FACE! UM,...right. I meant that to sound like a good thing? Meh, whatever, you get me. x_**

 ** _Thank you to everyone for reading, please review! xx_**


	13. A Gift Of Nonsense

**_I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER OR ANYTHING CREATED BY JK ROWLING. But in an alternative universe I do, so that's something. I think that alternative universe is right next to the one where I'm the King of the mouse people and wear nothing but capes all the time._**

* * *

Chapter thirteen: A Gift Of Nonsense

I poke the lump of squishy duvet a couple of times before saying,

"Regulus, stop pretending to sleep. You look stupid."

Deep within the bowls of Regulus' bed I hear a grumbled,

"Piss off."

I give the big lump another solid poke and cry in triumph,

"Ahha! I knew you were awake. Get up and stop being a lazy sod. You're supposed to be in class. A whole roomful of students are waiting to be traumatised by your borderline illegal teaching methods. Come the hell on."

There's a pause and then,

"I hope you die."

I roll my eyes.

"No you don't. I'm the light of your life."

"I hope you fall down the stairs and die."

I sigh dramatically, wishing for about the billionth time that I could have been kidnapped and raised by someone who isn't a completely ridiculous excuse for a human being.

I certainly hope that Harry is having more luck dragging Sirius out of his bed this morning. We're supposed to be in Potions, our first lesson of the day, but after about twenty minutes of waiting it became clear that neither Sirius or Regulus were planning on actually showing up for class.

To be honest I was initially elated by the news and would have been more than happy to spend a few hours studying for my other subjects and talking to my friends, including Webster and Sam who were allowed to choose which house they got to go to class with as they are the only fourth years who came from Ilvermorny. But Cho insisted that I go and retrieve my wayward 'father'. Harry agreed to go get Sirius, taking Astoria and Max along with him. I, against my better judgement and will, conceded to Cho's wishes as well. Terry, Kasper, Cho, Webster, Sam and Micah are waiting in the living room of Regulus' professor quarters whilst I attempt to get my pet idiot up.

I shove at the lump on Regulus' bed.

"Regulus, we don't have time for this! There are things we have to do today! Things! And stuff. Stuff and things!"

"Screw your stuff. I spit on your things." He growls tiredly.

I make an irritated sound and whack the useless lump that is Regulus again.

"You are the most annoying human alive. Don't make me drag you out of this bed."

That gets a more animated reply.

"Drag me out? With your puny arms? I think not."

"That's it!" I huff. "Time to move forward with phase two!"

"Phase _what_ -" Regulus yelps when I take hold of the bedsheet that he is currently wrapped up in and yank on it. Hard.

I must be a bit stronger than either of us realised because instead of pulling the sheet off of Regulus like I'd planned, Regulus comes tumbling off the bed and lands heavily on the floor along with the sheet.

I don't apologise because...well because it's Regulus. You don't apologise to be a bee for stinging you and you don't apologise to a Regulus when he does your sodding head in.

Regulus is still tangled up in the bedsheet. Thankfully he's wearing pyjamas, which admittedly is something I should have considered before trying to uncover him. Because bleh. I've seen Regulus naked before and it was a traumatic experience I have no desire to repeat. Regulus' thirtieth birthday party was horrific for everyone involved for more than one reason. When he ran into the sea shooting off sparks with his wand and singing 'Forever young', he, for some unknowable reason, decided to shed his onesie first.

It was awful. Like. Truly. You can't even imagine the awfulness. I stood there on that beach with all my friends and their parents, along with more than half the town, watching a naked Regulus scream song lyrics whilst dancing around in the freezing cold ocean. If I ever decide to seek out therapy then I hope my therapist decides to report Regulus to the police.

Terry and Kasper thought the whole thing was hilarious. They shouted out encouragements to Regulus and chanted in unison _'Go Regulus, it's your birthday, it's your birthday'_. Amos Diggory shouted at Kasper to 'stop behaving in an undignified manner young man'. Kasper responded by shaking his arse and break dancing on the spot. It should have looked ridiculous, and it did, but Kasper is just one of those rare people who are charismatic and attractive enough to pull that kind of shit off. It's honestly maddening to be the best mate of someone like that because you always feel like a complete dork in comparison.

Cho's father, Jian, the poor unfortunate soul, practically leapt on Cho to cover her eyes. Which was a pretty moot point since Cho was already hiding her face behind a book, 'The Hunger Games', that she'd brought to the party with her. Never doubt the power of books. Books save lives. Books shield innocent eyes from disturbing shows of public nudity. I wish I'd remembered to bring one. I learnt my lesson that night. Always take a book to a party. You never know when you might need to protect yourself from soul scarring future nightmares.

Cedric was standing the closest to me at the time and I pressed my face against his arm to try and block out the image of my naked dancing pet idiot. Cedric wrapped his arm around my shoulders and let me burrow my face into his chest. I felt bad for not being able to save Cedric from the sight of Regulus' naked birthday dance, but you can't win them all. Besides, it was too late for Cedric. He just had to take one for the team.

In the end it was actually Nana Mars, with the steadfast help of Terry's father Quinton, who managed to corral Regulus back onto the beach. Quinton, the hero of the hour, took off his coat and forced Regulus into it. Much to Regulus' displeasure. He kept shouting things like ' _Unhand me, sir, this is not how one treats a lady_ ' and _'Quinton your coat is unnaturally fluffy, how many puppies did you kill to make it_?' and _'Fiona, your husband is trying to have intercourse with me, which I think is very rude to do right in front of you'_. In response to that last one Fiona just shrugged and shouted back _'We've done stranger things in front of each other'_. I promised myself that I would do my best never to find out what could be stranger than watching your husband wrestle a naked weirdo into a dead puppy coat (not really) whilst that same weirdo sings Frozen's 'Let it go' at the top of his lungs.

When Regulus was finally covered up by Quinton's coat, Nana Mars handcuffed Regulus to one of the pavilion polls so he wouldn't escape back into the sea. Once it was established that Regulus was secure and unlikely to be 'acting out' again any time soon, everyone just carried on with the party like nothing had happened.

Fiona and Cho's mother Mai sat with Regulus and made him drink water for the rest of the night. He kept passing out and then waking back up only to start singing again.

I suggested just putting him on a lilo and letting him drift off to sea. Nana Mars told me off for talking aloud about my plan to assassinate Regulus. She said that's not how successful murders are conducted.

Regulus heard me say the word 'lilo' and berated me for saying it wrong. He said it's pronounced 'lee-low, you ignorant little elf'. He thought I was talking about Lilo&Stitch and promptly began singing Elvis songs.

I see that this morning Regulus is wearing ratty pink trackie bottoms. They have sparkled lettering on the arse that reads 'Princess'. Nana Mars bought them for him three years ago for Christmas.

After a tense pause Regulus burrows out from his bedsheet caccoon and blinks up at me from the floor. He looks pissy. Good.

"I hate you and everything you stand for." Regulus grouses.

"I don't stand for anything." I say.

Regulus sniffs mighty mouse stylie.

"Exactly. Your indifference to the problems of the world disgusts me."

I cross my arms over my chest and raise an eyebrow at him.

"Which world problems should I be worried about exactly?"

That seems to stump him for a good minute. But then he says tentatively,

"There are...wars."

"Wars?" I ask.

"And...bad people doing bad things." He says.

"And bad people doing bad things?" I arch my eyebrow even higher.

"And such forth." Regulus grumbles.

"And such forth?" I drawl.

Regulus pouts like a twelve year old and snaps crossly,

"You know, if I wanted to raise a parrot then I would have bought one instead of _you_."

I scoff at him.

"You didn't _buy_ me, you _stole_ me. Kidnapped me actually. My picture was probably on milk cartons all over the wizarding world for years."

Regulus makes a snorting-laugh sound and shakes his head.

"Nobody would have stuck a picture of you on a milk carton. It would've put people off buying the milk. No one wants to drink milk from a carton with an ugly child on it."

I glare at Regulus.

"I was not an ugly child."

Regulus smirks like the moron that he is and argues,

"You were. Very ugly. And small. It was off putting. Like I said."

"All children are small Regulus, you bloody idiot." I growl.

Regulus waves his hand dissmisvely.

"I _never_ was."

"Alright Miss Trunchbull, calm down." I say.

Regulus wriggles around on the floor until he can press a hand to his heart. He says reverently,

"That woman was a misunderstood hero. Dealing with a schoolfull of brats all the time. I can barely handle you. Then again you do encompass the annoyance of a hundred children into one. So."

"Let it go, Regulus, I'm not gonna argue with you about this again." I say.

"Argue about what?" Regulus asks.

"Your insane penchant for supporting fictional villians. I refuse to watch Disney films with you anymore. Not after the 'Scar was totally justified in killing off his good for nothing brother' thing." I explain.

Regulus snorts.

"Mufasa was a weak king and Scar had way more swag. His villian song was epic."

"Simba saved his pride from Scar's oppression-"

"Simba was a little bitch who made friends with his food. He should have eaten the warthog. Fact."

"Regulus!" I shout.

"Draco!" Regulus shouts back.

Before either of us can say anything else, Kasper comes striding into the room. He takes in the scene set before him with one sweeping glance and asks,

"What the bloody hell are you two screeching about in here?"

I ignore the question and say instead,

"Kas, help me get this moron to the Potion's classroom, would you?"

Kasper grins at me.

"No worries, Dray, your reinforcements have arrived."

As if waiting for their cue, Cho, Terry, Sam, Webster and Micah trail into the room. Terry looks excited. Cho looks disgruntled. Sam looks...fascinated? Micah and Webster are too busy not-at-all-discreetly eye-fraking each other to care about anything else going on around them. Ever since Webster arrived he's been flirting like mad with Micah. I was a little worried at first because I had no idea if Webster's particular brand of flirting would scare Micah away. When Webster decides to go for something, he doesn't hold back. Like, at all.

I wasn't even sure if Micah was attracted to girls or boys or both or no one at all. My fears turned out to be unwarranted though because Micah surprised the hell out of me by taking Webster's flirting in his stride. Not only that, but Micah even plays along sometimes.

Honestly I keep expecting to walk into my dorm room to find them making out. Or knowing Webster they could even be doing... _other things_.

All I can say is that they better 'make out' or whatever else on Micah's bed and not mine. That goes for Hermione and Kasper too. And, for the sake of covering all my bases, Terry and Luna better stay off my bed as well. Ever since Luna came round for dinner she's been hanging out with us in the great hall during meal times and occasionally when we're in the library. I've seen Terry watching her with interest once or twice. Luna hasn't returned any 'looks' yet, but we'll see. Terry can be surprisingly charming when he stops acting like a prat. And Luna is just as mad as Nana Mars, which is no small feat, so who the hell knows what those two could get up to together.

"What the fucking fuck are you lot doing here?" Regulus demands. He glares at all of us. "Actually, you know what, I don't care. Get the hell out of my room. Don't you skiving little shitheads have a class to be in?"

"Good morning Professor Black!" Webster says brightly, seeming to have completely disregarded Regulus' unjustified anger. I've never met anyone as upbeat and genuinely thrilled to be alive as Webster. Apart from maybe Astrid. If Webster and Astrid ever became friends then I think the world might implode from sheer joyous positivity

"Yes, we do have a class to be in actually." I say. "But our teacher is a lazy tosser who couldn't be bothered to show up."

"Hey!" Regulus cries, "You watch your mouth. Professor McGonagall is _not_ a tosser."

"I meant _you_!" I snap, exasperated.

"What?" Regulus stares at me, blinking like a brain damaged owl. Wait, what am I talking about? He _**is**_ a brain damaged owl.

Actually, I think that might be offensive to all owls, brain damaged or otherwise, I take it back. Regulus is just an idiot. A big one. With knobs on.

"We have double Potions this morning Regulus." Cho says with a lot more calm in her voice than I could manage at the moment.

"Bollocks!" Regulus hisses under his breathe. "I thought it was Wednesday."

"It _is_ Wednesday, Regulus." Terry says.

I hear Sam whisper to Webster "Is he wearing sparkly pyjamas?" and Webster replies "Hell yeah. Told you he was awesome."

Regulus still looks a mix between confused and pissed off.

"Since when do you have double Potions on Wednesdays?" He asks.

Kasper gives the obvious answer to that one,

"Since the beginning of term, Regulus."

Regulus' brow creases and he continues to look confused. It makes me want to kick him.

Kasper catches the violent glimmer in my eyes and says,

"Don't kick him, Dray."

Damn Kasper for knowing me too well.

I nod a bit sulkily and instead of kicking him like I want to, I smile grimly at my friends and say,

"Everyone, grab a limb and start dragging."

My friends all leap into action. Micah and Webster take hold of Regulus' right arm. Cho and Sam get his left leg. Terry grab his left arm, leaving myself and Kasper with Regulus' right leg. Regulus yelps in protest and struggles to free himself, but our hold on him is strong. Plus he's a weakling anyway.

It takes some doing, but we manage to drag Regulus all the way out of his living quarters. We pause for a minute once we hit the corridor before continuing on towards the Potions classroom. Regulus is lucky that we won't have to go up or down any staircases. I wouldn't fancy his chances of survival. It would be way too tempting to throw him over the side of the bannister.

"Put me down this instant! As in, like, right fucking now!" Regulus shrieks for about the billionth time. We all ignore him for the billionth time.

"Should we have made him put on a robe or something?" Sam asks. He doesn't look even mildly disturbed by what we're doing. It makes me wonder about the insanity of his home life. I mean, my friends and I are used to dealing with Regulus, but I get that to anyone outside of our mad family that this whole situation would probably seem at least a little bit weird. So Sam must have a pretty whacko family if he thinks what we're doing is normal.

"Oh no, he might freeze to death in the Potions classroom. It's so cold in there." Cho says, sounding dismayed at the idea.

Sam makes a face at her and says mildly,

"Not what I meant." He looks pointedly at the Dark Mark on Regulus' arm.

"Nah, don't worry about that mate." Terry reassures Sam. "Everyone already knows that Regulus was crap at being evil. There are history books that say so."

Cho darts a quelling look at Terry.

"Terry, don't be ridiculous. The history books _don't_ say that Regulus was _crap_ at being evil." She scolds.

"Yeah," Kasper says, "they just say that he tried to be evil, failed, and then ran away."

"I know, I've read the books. I was _summarising_ the important part." Terry explains.

"That's _it_!" Regulus shouts. "Five hundred house points from Ravenclaw!"

No one even glances at him and I feel momentarily proud of my choice in mates.

When we get to the Potions classroom, I see that bedlam has erupted in our absence. Both Ravenclaw and Slytherin students have taken full advantage of being completely unsupervised. Of the people who's names I actually know; Walter Lux and Benji Moon are playing a very loud game of exploding snap. Sophia Slater and Lexi Salvatore are both painting their nails and listening to music on their IPods. Michael Corner and Paul Jones are in the middle of a spirited and somewhat violent debate with three Slytherin students about the use of dragon scales in pain relieving potions.

And everyone else is either chatting, arguing or reading.

My friends and I drag Regulus into the classroom and drop him. That certainly gets people's attention.

Regulus struggles to his feet. He grabs hold of my shoulder to help him. I consider shrugging his hand off, but I'm not that much of an arsehole. Regulus shoots a glare at me anyway. I poke my tongue out at him. He pokes his tongue out right back. I see Cho roll her eyes and facepalm, obviously exasperated by us.

An entire classroom of students are staring at us now. I elbow Regulus in the side, prompting him to bloody well speak.

Regulus raises both of his hands in apology. He looks ridiclous standing there with his black hair long and messy enough to have reached birdnest status and his pink princess pyjama bottoms and...well, nothing else actually. Sam might have had a point about covering Regulus up a bit more.

"I'm sorry for being late." Regulus tells the class. "I was...indisposed."

If 'indisposed' is supposed to be code for 'sleeping' then yeah, that's exactly right.

Regulus looks at me and snaps,

"Shut it."

I glare at him mutiniously.

"I didn't _say_ anything!"

Regulus glares back at me.

"You were _thinking_ it."

He is so unbelievable sometimes. I want to just...just...smoosh his face!

"I was thinking what? That you're insane? Yeah, ok, you caught me Professor Pain In My Arse Black."

I hear Sam 'whisper' again to Webster "Does he always talk like that to his Dad?" and Webster replies "Yeah. They have a very unique relationship. Their communication skills are epic."

A moment later Harry arrives with Sirius in tow, Astoria and Max bringing up the rear. The four them crash into the rest of us, and we all struggle to stay upright.

Sirius doesn't look much better than Regulus, but at least he didn't have to be literally dragged all the way here. He is wearing a dressing gown though, and his hair is similarly fraked up.

Harry locks eyes with me and flashes a frustrated smile. I give him an equally strained smile right back. Clearly Harry had problems 'convincing' his Black sibling to get moving as well. We share a look of understanding that makes me feel a bit better and less likely to kill off Regulus for the good of society. I'd probably get an Order of Merlin out it.

Sirius and Regulus take one look at each other and shout at the same time,

"You're late, Black. Detention!"

And then they both fall about laughing. Because they _**suck**_.

Harry and I exchange another eye roll. Because this is our _**life**_.

...

"Dray, staring at the goblet of harmony like you want to lick it won't stop my brother from entering the tournament." Kasper says, sounding amused and a bit worried for my sanity, as per usual.

Kasper and I are sitting side by side on a bench in the great hall. For the last hour we've been watching people put their names in the goblet of harmony. Each time a student puts their name in the goblet, flames erupt from it. I keep waiting for someone's hair to catch on fire.

"I am not staring at the goblet like I want to lick it, you lunatic." I say distractedly, my focus still fully on the goblet.

"You are." Kasper says. "I know your licking face."

"Stop being weird." I shove his arm.

Kasper just grins at me. But his expression is dead serious when he says,

" _You_ stop being weird. If my brother wants to enter the tournament to please our father then there's nothing you can do to stop him. You know how Ced gets when he's trying to live up to Dad's crazy-impossible standards."

Unfortunately I _do_ know. Ever since their mother died, Cedric has done everything his father has wanted him to do. He's Captain of the Hufflepuff Quidditch team. He gets straight O's in all of his subjects. He's Hufflepuff's Head boy. He took that internship with the Ministry that I know for a fact Cedric never had any interest in. Cedric is the perfect son in every way, and the effort it takes to keep that up breaks him down more and more every year.

I've spoken to Cedric about it numerous times and there are moments when I can see just how hard it is for him. He wants to make his father happy and seems willing to kill himself to accomplish that goal. Cedric once told me that he sometimes resents his mother for dying. For leaving them with a father who doesn't know how to be a father unless he's acting like a life coach. And then he feels guilty for being angry at his mother, who he loved so much and misses desperately.

I told Cedric that I sometimes resent my own parents for dying. For putting their lives at risk, even though I know they only did it to protect me. Having a dead parent makes you feel things you wish you didn't. It's not as simple as loving them or being sad that they're gone. There's so much more to it than that. I'm not sure if anyone who hasn't experienced that loss can understand what it's like to feel angry and devistated and happy all at the same time over a memory.

"I have a really bad feeling about this tournament thing, Kas." I say, my voice low and urgent. "I know that sounds like bullshit, but I swear, the wrongness of it goes right down to my bones."

Kasper looks at me then, and I see that his eyes have gone flinty in response to my very real fears. He believes me though. No matter what, Kasper will always trust my word and have my back.

He has proven over and over again that he's more than my best friend. Truthfully, Kasper is my brother in everything except blood.

"Then you should tell my stupid brother that." Kasper says. He watches me steadily. "Ced listens to you more than anyone else."

I screw my nose up at that.

"No he doesn't."

Kasper scoffs and laughs a little dryly. He fixes me with a wane smile.

"Dray, knock it off. I don't usually get involved in whatever weirdness goes on between you and my brother, because it ain't my business, yeah? But believe me when I say that Ced takes you seriously. Maybe even more seriously than _Dad_."

I want to dismiss all of that. There's no weirdness between me and Cedric. Cedric cares about me the same way he cares about Kasper. We're family, yeah, of course, but that's all it is. I mean, sometimes he and I talk about things. Like nightmares. And the grief we feel over our parents. And all of the things we want from life that seem too far away to ever become a reality. Stuff like that. Normal friend stuff.

I don't think of Cedric as a brother though. Not like I do Kasper, or even Terry. It's kind of hard to look at someone and think 'brother' when you've had wet dreams about them. When I was younger I had a massive crush on Cedric. To be honest I think I always had a thing for him, even before I knew I was gay. I looked up to Cedric. I wanted him to like me. I wanted him to think I was cool. Or at least I wanted him to not think I was a total freak.

But Cedric is my friend. He's protective towards me, I know that much. He and I are family, even if we aren't exactly brothers. We're family.

"I'll talk to him." I tell Kasper.

"Good." Kasper says with a satisfied nod. "Nag him something fierce. He'll like that."

I don't think that will help at all, because one thing Kasper and Cedric have in common is how stubborn they can be when they've decided something. They get that from their Dad. They get their bravery from their mum though. Kasper's mother was larger than life. Courageous. Strong. Katya Diggory is a legend in the Auror ranks.

I remember how she used to come home from work with new scrapes and scars as visible evidence of the dedication she had to her job. She worked tirelessly to protect our world from dark magic and the people who used it to hurt others. Every time I saw Katya she had another story to tell, another adventure to scare us with. She was the complete opposite to her husband in some ways. Especially when it came to raising her boys.

Katya was a Pureblood witch, but she had no sense of propriety or social status. She loved Nana Mars and they used to spend hours drinking and cooking and laughing in Nana Mars' kitchen.

I remember one Christmas when we all got together on Christmas day and it was, predictably, mad...

 **~flashback~**

 _"Ok, this year I think we should try something new." Katya says, her full lips spread wide in a slightly worrying grin._

 _We're all sat around the dinner table. It's Christmas day and there's a massive catfish in the middle of the table that no one wants to be the first to try. I'm pretty sure the catfish is staring at me, blaming me completely for either of us being here today. But Nana Mars insisted that we have catfish-turkey and no one was brave enough to argue with her. Well, Amos tried, but he got whacked over the head with a spoon and promptly shut up about it._

 _I narrow my eyes at the catfish. It knows I'm thinking about it. It knows that I don't want to eat it. Terry has already poked one of its still alive-looking eyes three times, exclaiming gleefully all the while about the squishness of the catfish eye. Fiona has told him off every single time, threatening to take the nerf crossbow he had gotten for Christmas and mail it back to the North pole with a note telling Santa to never bring Terry any presents ever again._

 _"I'll hunt Santa down and force him to give me my crossbow back." Terry says confidently in response to his mothers' threat._

 _"You won't be able to find him. He's invisible." Fiona responded without missing a beat._

 _"Then I'll kidnap one of his elves and hold that elf hostage until Santa returns my nerf crossbow." Terry countered._

 _"Terry!" Fiona shouts. She whacks her husbands' arm. "Help me here." She hisses at him._

 _Quinton waggles his finger at Terry and says,_

 _"Don't be silly, son. You'd never be able to capture an elf. They are exceptionally powerful. That's why Santa has so many. You'd be better off taking one of the reindeer hostage."_

 _Fiona aims a slight glare at Quinton, who seems oblivious to the trouble he's now in._

 _"I heard about this thing." Katya goes on excitedly. "Some muggles were discussing it when I walked by them the other day. Apparently, sometimes, when muggles sit down for special meals, before eating, each person says what they're most thankful for. I think we should do that."_

 _"Ah, yes." Jian says, looking immensely pleased. "I've heard of that tradition before."_

 _"It sounds interesting." Mai says, giving her husband an indulgent pat on his arm._

 _"Alright then." Katya claps her hands together. "Lets try it. Who wants to go first?"_

 _Nana Mars shoots her hand up instantly and waves it around a bit._

 _"Oh, I will." She gets a thoughtful look on her face and says, "Hmmm, well, I think I'm most thankful for the new salesboy at the veg shop. He is drop dead **gorgeous**. Why, if I was forty years younger, I would have already taken that slice of heaven into the storage room of the veg shop and rocked his carrot filled **world**." She sighs dreamily and points at Regulus. "You go next Reggy."_

 _We all gape at her. Apart from Katya who begins laughing hysterically. I'm pretty sure she planned for this exact thing to happen._

 _Nana Mars points a bit more aggressively at Regulus._

 _"Reggy, the people are waiting for you to say what you're thankful for. Stop being difficult. You're ruining Christmas."_

 _Regulus clears his throat and does as he's told._

 _"Um, I'm thankful for...uh..."_

 _"I believe Regulus is also thankful for the new salesboy at the veg shop." Katya says, having finally stopped honking with laughter. She waggles her eyebrows suggestively at Regulus. "If the tales I've heard are correct then you've already rocked his carrot filled world."_

 _Regulus sputters indignantly._

 _"I did...I do not...you can't...I've been...who told you?" Regulus hisses the last part across the table. "Was it that bint Cathy? I knew she was watching me from behind that bloody post box. 'I accidentally posted one of my earrings' my **arse**."_

 _"You had it off with **Alfie**?" Fiona exclaims, staring open mouthed at Regulus._

 _"You know the new hunky veg boy's **name**?" Quinton looks and sounds highly scandalised._

 _"Did you just say the word **'hunky** '?" Regulus practically shrieks at Quinton._

 _Quinton shrugs._

 _"I'm comfortable enough in my sexuality to recognise the hunkiness of other men." He says simply._

 _"Me too." Jian says, nodding. "Is Alfie the boy with the **eyes** and the **face** and the **abs**?"_

 _"YES!" Quinton says enthusiastically. "He's the one who wears those leather trousers and has the tattoo on his neck and rides around on that motorcycle. Very hot, objectively speaking."_

 _"Good for you, Regulus." Jian says, flashing Regulus a thumbs up. "He's a pretty one."_

 _Mai and Fiona share a look and an eye roll at their husbands' show of platonic gayness._

 _"Ok, who wants to say what they're thankful for next?" Regulus tries to move the conversation on, his cheeks are red with embarrassment._

 _Surprisingly, it's Cedric who picks up the baton. He raises his hand and says,_

 _"I'm grateful that I'm home for Christmas break."_

 _Cedric is in his first year at Hogwarts. I try to hide my frown. Thinking about Cedric having to back to school after Christmas makes my tummy feel tight and painful._

 _Kasper, never to be outdone by his brother, raises his own hand and says,_

 _"I'm thankful for the badass cape that Nana Mars knitted for me."_

 _Nana Mars beams at Kasper._

 _"You're very welcome Kassy."_

 _At the same time Amos scolds,_

 _"Kasper, do not say 'badass'."_

 _Kasper narrows his eyes and argues,_

 _"Why not? You just said it. Why can't I say it if you can?"_

 _"I was only saying it to make a point." Amos huffs, clearly irritated._

 _Kasper gets that really stubborn expression on his face that means a fight is most likely pending._

 _"It's just a word, Dad."_

 _Amos' expression morphs into something very similar to his sons',_

 _"It's a rude word that we don't need to hear at the dinner table."_

 _"This isn't a Ministry party, Dad." Kasper snaps. "No one in our family cares if I say 'badass'."_

 _Amos' chest puffs up angrily._

 _"Regardless, Kasper, I'm telling you not to use such language and I expect you to obey me."_

 _Kasper grits his teeth. Then he opens his mouth and shouts,_

 _"BADASS. BADASS. BADASS. See, there, I said it again and nobody died."_

 _Amos and Kasper glare at each other from opposite sides of the table. Me and the rest of the lunatics watch them, waiting for the next explosion._

 _Katya intervenes, as she often does, and places a hand on Amos' arm._

 _"Amos, dear, lets not argue at Christmas."_

 _Amos softens immediately under his wife's touch and he stops giving his son the evil eye._

 _Katya then turns to spear her youngest son with a reprimanding look,_

 _"And you, young man, don't pick fights with your father. Apologise please."_

 _Kasper would probably rather stab himself in the eye with a fork than do any such thing, but because it's his mother he says quietly,_

 _"Sorry, Dad."_

 _Jian breaks the silence that follows by saying,_

 _"I'm thankful for my wife, who I love very much."_

 _Mai smiles warmly at Jian and says,_

 _"I'm very thankful for my husband as well."_

 _Quinton kind of ruins the nice moment by saying,_

 _"I'm thankful for cheesy wotsits. I love those pieces of gross orange heaven."_

 _"I'm thankful for my new washing machine." Fiona says happily._

 _"It has about a thousand buttons on it though." Quinton says, screwing up his nose a bit. "Damn thing looks like a spaceship consol."_

 _Amos takes his turn next._

 _"I'm thankful that Cedric got into Hufflepuff." He grins at his oldest child. "He'll be headboy in no time. I'm so proud of you, son."_

 _Cedric looks momentarily uncomfortable. He hides it a second later though and smiles gratefully at his father. Kasper makes an exaggerated gagging face at me, and I force myself not to laugh._

 _Before Amos and Kasper can get into another fight, I raise my hand and say,_

 _"I'm grateful that I'm part of our-_

 _Terry cuts me off by screaming,_

 _"Look! The big, ugly, fishy is trying to eat my hand! Ah ah ah ah!"_

 _He's stuck his entire arm in the catfish's mouth._

 _Kasper grabs hold of Terry and tries to 'save' him. Kasper looks at me mock pleadingly,_

 _"Draco, help me, the fishcat is gonna naw Terry's arm off!"_

 _I dutifully climb onto the table and wrap my arms around the catfish. I yank on it, pulling the catfish off of Terry's arm with more force than was strictly necessary. The catfish slips out of my hands and flies across the table to smack Amos in the face. I almost roll right off the table, but Cedric catches me. Terry and Kasper fall off their chairs and land in a heap on the floor._

 _Fiona starts furiously shouting at Terry about being on the naughty list for the rest of his life. Quinton takes advantage of everyone being distracted to grab a roast potato and stuff it into his mouth. Jian and Mai both gasp, which is about as emotional as they ever get. Regulus chokes on oxygen once again. Nana Mars falls about cackling jovially. Amos screams like a little girl and falls out of his chair as well._

 _Meanwhile Cho is busy ignoring all of us and reading a book. She looks up briefly, rolls her eyes, and then goes back to reading 'A Christmas Carol'._

 _Katya raises her water glass and smiles broadly at all of us. She says,_

 _"I'm grateful that all of you weirdoes are in my life. Merry Christmas everyone."_

 **~flashback~**

That memory pushes me to ask Kasper,

"Hey, how are things with your Dad?"

Kasper's expression turns grim and he sighs.

"Pretty much the same as always. Dad loves Cedric. He tolerates me. Which makes sense because Cedric actually tries and I kind of, well, don't. Like, at all."

"He loves you, Kas. I know he doesn't show it in the best way sometimes, but he _does_ love you." I say, resisting the urge to pull Kasper into a cuddle. Mostly because some people at Hogwarts are idiots and think two boys touching each other automatically means that they're boning. And even though Kasper couldn't give less of shit if other people think he's gay, I don't like putting him in a position where he has to deal with their crap.

Kasper huffs out a breathe and looks straight ahead, his mouth pulled tight.

"Yeah. Maybe. I'm just so _tired_ of arguing with him, Dray. Sometimes even thinking about Dad makes me tired, because I know that no matter what either of us says, we're gonna end up fighting."

"He might not know any other way to talk to you." I say.

"Probably. I don't know any other way to talk to him either." Kasper laughs without humour. It's a dry, cracked sound, and it makes me sad because Kasper so very rarely lets things like this get to him.

"Things could still change, Kas." I say. "He could. You could. Hell, maybe Cedric will surprise you one day and he'll run off to America and become a surfer or something. You Dad would _hate_ that."

"Oh yeah he would. But nah, I'll always be the black sheep of the Diggory family." Kasper says, smiling just a little. "And I'm ok with that. I'm built for it." Kasper's smile comes a bit evil. "Although it's possible that Cedric could end up with Chadwick, which would be hilarious."

"They're pretty well suited I guess." I say non-commitally.

Kasper arches an eyebrow at me like he thinks I've lost all my marbles.

"Dray, what the hell are you talking about? My brother and Chadwick are so not 'suited' for each other. Chadwick is a high maintenance butthead. Ced would probably end up murdering him within the first six months if they ever lived together full time."

I scowl at Kasper.

"But they're obviously into one another. Chadwick comes onto Cedric all the time and Cedric doesn't exactly fight him off."

"Yeah, so?" Kasper scoffs. "Just because you're attracted to someone doesn't mean you wanna be their God damn life partner or whatever."

"Why would you be attracted to someone you don't even like? That's just stupid." I say.

Kasper rolls his eyes.

"You can't control who you're attracted to Dray. I'm pretty sure you know that because if you could control it then you probably wouldn't still be pining after Harry."

"Harry who?" I ask, feigning innocence.

"You are so full of shit." Kasper proclaims. Then he laughs, and it sounds at least halfway genuine this time. Abruptly he stops laughing and coughs. He still looks amused though. "Speak of the devil..." He murmurs, his eye darting over to the entrance of the hall.

A zap of awareness straightens my spine and I see that Harry has just walked into the hall. Alone. He's without his Slytherin shadows for once. He's also not got a girlfriend on his arm either.

Harry spots us, smiles a tentative little smile and starts making his way over. I internally begin to panic. Kasper, because he's an arsehole, claps me on the back and says,

"Hey, I said I'd meet Hermione out in the courtyard. You stay here and play nicely with Harry, ok?"

Kasper gets up and saunters off before I can make any kind of argument. He passes Harry on the way out and they share one of those weird boy nods of acknowledgement that I've never been able to pull off. I curse Kasper extensively inside my head for abandoning me here alone with Harry.

Granted we aren't actually alone because the hall is full of other people scattered all over the place. But, meh, semantics.

Harry sits down next to me on the bench. Not too close, but close enough for it to mean something. What that something actually _is,_ I have absolutely no clue, because Harry is confusing as fuck with his mixed signals.

I turn to look at him and say,

"Hi."

Because I am a social God damn _moth_ , hear me _flap_.

Harry smiles though, like I've said the right thing. Because he's fucking _odd_.

"Hey Drake."

And then we just stare at each other. Because that is our thing.

"So, um," Harry starts. He looks nervous, and I have no idea why. It makes _me_ nervous. He goes on, "I was just wondering if-"

I interrupt him to ask,

"Do you want to be my life partner, or do you just want me to give you a blow job?"

I blame Kasper for this. I hope Hermione kills him.

I hope someone kills _me_.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

* * *

 ** _Special shout out to- KeegSlytherin,Wounded Lily,piglett and verified sanctuary-THANK YOU MY UNICORN BRETHREN! Xx_**

 ** _piglet -Yes, there are a lot of mixed signals coming from all sides. They are a bunch of teenagers. I won't say who is endgame yet though. We'll just have to see. ;)_**

 ** _Merry Christmas and a happy new year to you all!_**

 ** _Thank you to everyone for reading! Please review! x_**


	14. The Gay Is Among Us

**_I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER OR ANYTHING CREATED BY JK ROWLING. But in an alternative universe I do, so that's something. I think that alternative universe is right next to the one where I'm the King of the mouse people and wear nothing but capes all the time._**

* * *

Chapter fourteen: The Gay Is Among Us

Harry gapes at me like a slightly befuddled fish.

I will myself to disappear.

There is a long, long, fucking _long_ , pause filled with nothing but toe curlingly uncomfortable silence.

Harry is the first one to break it.

"Do I... **what**?"

I only have three options here, and they are to one, stun Harry and run away.

Two, kill him. And then everyone else in the hall so that no one could tattle on me for my totally justifiable murder of Harry Potter.

Or three, and this one is the most insane so bear with me, I could be...honest? As honest as I can be given the circumstances anyway. I could tell him that I fancy the pants off him and that he's been giving me some very not-subtle signals that he feels the same way. Harry would probably get pissed off if he's not ok with the whole 'gay' aspect. Although it is also possible that he'll pretend like he has no idea what I'm talking about and I'll end up feeling like a prat for calling the elephant in the room out on being fat.

Really, the choice is obvious, there really is only one way of getting out of this with my dignity intact. I'm not sure if I actually have any dignity. But if I do then I want to keep it safely attached to my being without too much hassle.

I take a deep breathe, force myself to look Harry in those stupidly green eyes of his, and speak.

"Well, see, the thing is, when we first met at the Quidditch camping extravoganza, I thought maybe you and I had a...connection. Which I know sounds crap, like this is a Young Adult novel or some shit. I mean, if this was a YA novel then you would be a brooding vampire/angel/werewolf/whatever other mystical creature YA wants to ruin next by making them sparkle or something equally horrific, and I would be the whiny teenage girl with no personality who somehow always manages to get kidnapped or almost killed at exactly the wrong/right time. And you just _know_ that I'd be protrayed as a _girl_ because mainstream still can't quite handle the gay. As the broody blah blah whatever you would naturally fall in love with me and do really creepy borderline abusive things to get me to fall in love with you too. Which would obviously work because YA protragonists are made up of 90% idiot." I take another breathe before waving a hand in Harry's face and continuing to puke words.

"Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I kind of think you're beautiful. Like, a lot. Very beautiful. Not, like, I think you look like a girl. Girls and boys can both be beautiful. Would hot be a better word? Webster calls people hot, but that sounds too American for me to be able to say it with the appropriate amount of swagger. I also don't think I can pull off 'swagger' to be honest, but that was the first word that came into my head because Regulus keeps making me watch American reality tv show like 'Dance Moms' with him, which is a genunely frightening show by the way. Don't let him rope you into watching it because it _will_ scar your soul. How about 'fit'? That doesn't sound too bad. Right? _Right_. Good. So, yeah, I fancy you. And I thought maybe you fancied me too. But you have a girlfriend, which is...confusing, because you keep... _looking_ at me and stuff. Basically I just really need to know if you're, like, bisexual and think I'm attractive and that's why you act the way you do, or if you actually do like me like _like_ me like me. If you could just tell me that, then I'd very much appreciate it, sir. Um, Harry."

 _'Like_ me like me'? Jesus fucking christ, I'm eleven years old now. Great. I have never been so mortified by my inability to talk like a normal human being. Harry probably thinks I'm a complete freak. And if he _doesn't_ then he _should_ because I _am_.

Throughout my entire speech of ridiculousness, Harry's expression has remained the same. Shocked, with a little bit of dazed added into the mix. Now that I've finally shut up however, Harry looks...sad? What? Does he feel sorry for me or something? Because that would be even worse than if he was angry.

Harry looks down and then back up again to meet my eyes. His mouth and eyebrows are drawn into an upset frown. Harry's entire demeanor has changed. He looks suddenly very frustrated, like he wants to say something but is holding himself back for whatever reason. I wish he'd just spit it out so I can stop feeling like I'm about to be sick all over my school robes.

"I'm sorry." Harry says finally. His voice is low and full of regret. He rushes to explain before I can start blathering nonsense again, "I have been... _looking_ at you. And stuff. So. Its not just you. And I do like you. I like you a lot actually."

Wha...?

My ability to think has officially shut down.

"You... _like_ me?" I whisper in disbelief. Look, I'm not a complete downer on myself, I know I'm not terrible to be around or whatever, but Harry is...he's Harry freakin' Potter. I don't know how else to explain it. There's just something about him that is undeniably incredible.

Never mind the fact that he took on Voldemort when he was eleven, faught a basalisk when he was twelve, and last year he survived the attack of an army of Dementors and a fully changed werewolf pretty much solo. All of that is impressive, obviously, but that isn't what makes Harry so unlike anyone else I've ever met.

Harry is brave and fierce and he has those eyes that always seem to see too much of me _._ But he's also kind and gentle and, I think, more than a little bit broken. He's been through things that I can only imagine and I can see the fight still going strong inside him.

I didn't know it was possible to feel like you've known someone your whole life even though you've actually only just met. I thought that was a thing people say in books, not a real, tangible, feeling.

Harry smiles at me and nods without any hesitation.

"I really, really, do, Drake. You're completely mad. And loud. And weird. And funny. And clever. And so pretty that every time I see you I think you can't possibly be a real person."

I just about choke on my own spit. Holy crap. How can he just _say_ those words?

"Well, that's...good." I manage to get out semi-normally. But then the rusty cogs in my brain start working again and I can't keep the frown off my face. "Is it good though? That you like me. Because you, um, have a girlfriend and stuff and she's really cool."

Shut up. Shut up. _Shut up_!

Harry winces and looks down at his hands.

"It's complicated."

My frown turns into a confused stare.

"What's complicated? Astrid is your girlfriend, right?"

"No." Harry blurts out, his eyes darting up to meet mine again. He cringes. "I mean, yes. And no. Like I said, it's complicated. There's stuff going on that you don't know."

"Stuff? What stuff?" I ask, feeling even more thrown of balance now. I expected Harry to tell me that he likes both me and Astrid, which would make sense. You _can_ like more than one person at the same time, despite the rubbish we're taught by romance novels and films.

"I can't tell you." Harry says, and he sighs in frustration. "It's a secret."

"A secret." I repeat more slowly. "O- _kay_."

"I can't tell you because it's not _my_ secret." Harry explains, looking desperate for me to understand somehow even though he isn't giving me much to work with.

If the secret isn't Harry's, then it has to be Astrid's. But what the hell kind of secret could it be?

Either way, Harry's made it pretty clear that he won't be enlightening me any time soon, which is fair enough. I don't have the right to demand answers from Harry. Whatever 'sort of'-'kind of' relationship he has with Astrid isn't any of my business. It's just kind of shit that I want _Harry_ to be my business.

Harry and I stare at each other in an awkward silence so epic that it defies reality. Seriously, holy shit, the awkwardness of this moment is going to give me literal nightmares. Forget scary dreams about Voldemort killing people, having Harry sitting there scowling like he can't decide whether he wants to disapear or touch me, is what will keep me from being able to sleep.

"I'm sorry." I say finally, unable to handle any more teenage boy angst threatening to choke me into submission.

Harry's frustrated scowl turns into a frown of confusion.

"Why are you sorry? I'm the one who's been messing you around."

I roll my eyes at that and shove his shoulder. The contact sends a shot of fire up my arm and I resolve never to do that again for as long as I live because _gah_. _Feelings_. Feelings are hard.

"Don't be so dramatic." I say, forcing lightness into my voice. "We're friends, right?"

"Right." Harry says instantly, but he still looks confused.

I feel a little ache in my chest begin to grow in reaction to the lost expression Harry's face. He's just so... _gugh_. I want to take all of Harry's pain away somehow. I want to replace it with something good and bright and gentle. I want to find every single person who has ever made Harry feel unsure of himself and curse them. Or get Nana Mars to curse them properly with 'real' magic. Or have Kasper and Terry kick their arse. Or unleash the mighty whinginess of Regulus upon them.

Alright, that last one might be taking it a bit too far, I'm not a monster.

"We _are_ friends." I say fiercely. "And I made shit weird by poking the bear with a pointy stick."

Harry arches an eyebrow at me and asks,

"Is the bear you poked a metaphor for the fact that we fancy each other? Like, a lot."

"What, no good?" I say. "Should I have made it a metaphorical Unicorn instead? You know, because of all the gay involved."

Harry snorts out a laugh, his confusion and sadness fading away and being replaced by obvious amusement.

"Nah, trust me on this, it's never a good idea to poke a Unicorn. They know how to enforce some serious vengeance."

"Well they do basically have a sword on their face." I muse agreeably.

Harry tilts his head thoughtfully.

"If you were going for the gay factor you should have said that you poked the glaringly obvious rainbow."

I let out my own unattractive snort.

"Nah, metaphorical rainbows are the exclusive property of coming out stories."

"Coming out stories? Like how you anounced to people that you're gay and stuff?" Harry asks curiously.

I have no idea what the 'and stuff' part of that is supposed to mean. And I'm not sure I _want_ to know either.

"Some people 'anounce' it, yeah, I guess. But coming out for me was just telling my entire family what they already knew. Like people who make official statements in a newspaper to confirm information."

Harry's eyes widen almost comically.

"You made a statement in a newspaper about being gay?"

"No!" I squeak, and then I realise that's kind of a lie. "Well, ok, not technically. I meant the newspaper thing as an example, but, um...my town is weird. And really small. And the people there are mostly gossiping hags..."

Harry nods, encouraging for me to continue. He looks far too happy about where this is going.

I make a grumpy sound, but keep talking.

"We have a newspaper in our town called the 'The Shell Report'."

"This already sounds brilliant." Harry says, appearing genunely enthralled, damn him.

I cross my arms over my chest defensively and explain with as few words as possible, for me at least, what went down after I came out to Regulus and Nana Mars and all the rest of the weirdoes who make up my family.

"Our town doesn't get much news. Like, seriously, the biggest story we had last year was when Miss Cohen painted her house with glow in the dark pink paint and her neighbour Mrs Rawbone started a protest about it that ended with half of Colbie marching around outside Miss Cohen's house with, I kid you not, pitchforks and torches. Literally. Pitchforkes. And. Torches. Mrs Cohen climbed up onto her roof with her pet budgie and handcuffed herself to the gutters. She kept shouting _'Sod off, you bloody colour Nazi's'_."

Harry is snickering now and not even bothering to hide it.

I don't know what he finds so funny. It was a nightmare to get to school since Miss Cohen's house is right across the road from my old secondary school. Regulus made me wear a crash helmet so I wouldn't get a head injury whilst pushing through the crowd of lunatics gathered in front of Miss Cohen's glowing pink house.

Nana Mars actually joined the protest at one point, because, and I quote, ' _I heard there was going to be cake, and only vegan hippies and losers turn down free cake'_. I'm not sure what hippies had to do with anything, but I wasn't about to argue with her.

I did argue, however, when it turned out that there wasn't any cake, free or otherwise, and Nana Mars launched another protest within the original protest about the lack of promised cake. Regulus and I had to physically stop Nana Mars from bludgening Mrs Rawbone to death with her high heeled slipper when Mrs Rawbone admitted to making up the cake thing to draw in more people.

I am _not_ going into the whole _high heeled slipper_ thing, so you can all just let that one go. For now.

I ignore Harry's mirth and continue on with my story of madness.

"Anyway, so, because the people of Colbie are absolute _weirdoes_ of the highest order and because nothing important ever happens there to write proper news stories about, me being 'officially gay' was apparently news worthy."

I tell Harry about how Nana Mars' friend, Cooper Smith, and yeah the fact that he's friends with Nana Mars should already tell you far too much about his state of mind, is the owner and editor of 'The Shell Report'. When Cooper heard about me coming out, he insisted on doing a story about it. I, stupidly, agreed because Cooper offered me fifty pounds and told me the story would just be a paragraph or two in the back of the newspaper.

What the story actually ended up being was a front page spread complete with a _massive_ picture of me. The story's headline, printed in bold and somehow infused with glitter, was **'The Gay Is Among Us'**.

"They didn't even use a good picture of me." I complain to Harry, who is by now laughing so hard that he has tears in his eyes. I huff at him. "It was a photo from primary school. They took the photo mid-sneeze. Plus, Terry was making funny faces at me the whole time because he's a complete _tosser,_ so I kept laughing. I look like an albino rat who'd just been electrocuted in that picture. And I know it was Regulus who gave Cooper that bloody photo of me because it's the only school photo Regulus ever bought numerous copies of. He even had one made into a keychain that he _still_ uses."

Harry chokes on another bout of laughter and almost falls off the bench we're sitting on. I catch him at the last second and yank him back up. He stops laughing abruptly when we both lose our balance and I end up, _somehow_ , sitting in his lap. I mean, come _on_ universe, what the hell.

Harry has to grab hold of my waist with one hand to stop us from falling in a heap on the floor. His other hand goes instinctively to press against the small of my back.

I am unable to contain a gasp of shock when a mixture of heat and awareness attacks every single nerve ending in my body. I grasp hold of Harry's shoulder, my hand fisting his white school shirt. Harry makes a sound that isn't loud enough to be a groan, or deep enough to be considered a growl. The sound he makes hangs somewhere between the two, and it causes a noticeable shiver to race up and down my spine.

Our eyes lock, and for a second I don't even care that we're in a public place where anyone could see us. Which is beyond stupid.

We are partially hidden from the other students currently in the great hall by a stack of benches, and no one appears to be giving a shit about us at the moment. But that could change very quickly, especially if one of my friends comes in. It'd be just like when I risked my life to save Harry's during the welcoming banquet all over again.

"You're sitting on me." Harry says. Because yeah. That is what's happening.

"Gold star for top notch observation skills, Potter." I say wryly, even though, inwardly, I'm losing my shit. Like there are little people running around inside my head setting things on fire and screaming.

"I don't think normal people do this." Harry says.

"I don't think normal people even think that this is a thing that could happen to them." I say.

"You're heavier than I thought you'd be." Harry says, his brows creasing together into another frown.

Ok, well, there are so many things about what he just said that I want to ask about. Mainly that he's thought about holding me or picking me up before, because _what_? Who _does_ that?

"I'll be honest, of all the insults I've had thrown at me, being called fat is defintely a new one." I say.

Harry squeezes my waist and arches an eyebrow that clearly means 'don't even start'.

"Drake, you're not fat. You're...uh...willowy. I just meant that you look really light and delicate. In a nice way, though." Harry hastens to add the last part, his face flushing with embarassment.

Good.

We should both feel equally as mortifed by this. That's the only way to make it fair. It's the only thing that will stop me from feeling crazy for fancying Harry. I can't decide if it's better or worse that Harry likes me too.

I try to get up off of Harry's lap, but he tightens his hold on me, keeping me in place. He waits for me to look at him properly before saying,

"I really am sorry, Drake. I swear I'll stop being a prat about all this. I want us to be mates, yeah?"

I pull away from Harry again, and this time he lets me go without a fight. He doesn't look happy about it though.

"We are mates, Harry." I say.

I shove my hands into my trouser pockets to stop myself from reaching for him. He's just so bloody touchable with his tragically messy hair and deep green eyes and broad Qudditch player shoulders and that sweet mouth of his that does all kinds of things to my insides.

"But, like, we need to stop pretending that that's all there is between us, you know?" I say firmly.

"Yeah, I do know." Harry admits with a heavy sigh.

It shouldn't feel this awful to not be near him. We barely know each other. How is it possible that I can want someone I don't even really know _this_ badly? It's completely mental. Unreal. Stupid. The kind of thing that only happens in fiction. I can't feel like this. I won't let myself.

Harry is watching, his eyes sad and pleading with me to...what? I don't even know.

I'm about to say something else, probably something ridiculous, but I'm distracted when I hear Cedric's voice.

"Wicks, shut up, I'm _doing_ it alright?"

I turn around and almost choke on oxygen when I see Cedric put his name into the Harmony Goblet.

I'm moving across the hall before my brain can even fully process what I've just seen. I go right up to Cedric and shove his arm. Hard. So hard in fact that if he wasn't so athletically built he probably would have fallen over.

Cedric rights himself far too easily and gives me a shocked look. Anger and confusion goes to war on his face.

"Dray, what the hell?"

Isaiah and Chadwick are both staring at me as well. Isaiah appears stunned, but Chadwick's expression is knowing. No doubt he figured I would react this way, the smug son of a bitch. My reaction was probably part of the reason why he pushed Cedric into entering this blasted tournament bullsit. He never could resist setting up some good drama.

Well, he's about to get one hell of a show, because I can't remember the last time I felt this pissed off and upset.

"Are you a complete moron?" I snap at Cedric, not bothering to lower my voice. I'm too furious to care what other people think right now.

" _What_?" Cedric snaps back, never one to shy away from a fight. Kasper and Cedric definitely have that in common.

"You know what, Cedric." I snarl. "Entering that _stupid_ tournament."

"You're over-reacting, Dray." Cedric says, his expression softening. Also like Kasper, Cedric's anger fades away very quickly. "I'll be fine. Nothing bad will happen to me."

"Oh, right. Nothing bad will happen." I say sarcastically. "Because people have only _died_ during this tournament before."

"I'm not going to die, Dray." Cedric says heatedly.

"You don't know that." I say, shaking my head rapidly. "What if they make you do something really dangerous? What if you can't fight what they ask you to fight? What if shit goes wrong and you get hurt?"

Pure terror hardens my heart, making it feel like a cold rock inside my chest.

Cedric reaches out a hand to touch me, but I jerk away from him. His eyes flash with hurt and I can see the regret taking hold of him already.

How could he do this? He knows how afraid I am of losing the people I care about. I know that he's afraid of losing people too. We've talked about it before. Cedric said he understood.

He said he would never hurt me. He _promised_.

I can only think of one reason why he would go back on that promise. One reason why he would risk his life. His father. The person who's approval Cedric craves more than anyone else's. Even mine. Kasper was wrong. I'll never be as important to Cedric as his father. And I don't even blame Cedric for that. My father isn't alive for me to disappoint him, so I can't understand the pressure.

I have Regulus and Nana Mars, two people who I want to make proud. I don't think it's the same thing though. Regulus and Nana Mars raised me, they taught me how to _be a person_ , and I wouldn't trade them for anyone else. But they aren't my parents. I never really knew my parents. The Malfoy's. I don't know what kind of behaviour they would have expected from me. I don't know who they would have wanted me to be. If I'd been raised by Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy, maybe I'd have grown into a very different person than who I am now.

"What did he say to you?" I ask Cedric quietly. My anger and fear transforming into resignation.

Cedric flinches. He knows that I've figured it out. The regret in his eyes becomes shame, which causes the last of my anger to filter away. The fear, however, remains.

"He didn't _need_ to say anything." Cedric tells me. He looks sad. Sad in ways a seventeen year old boy shouldn't even be able to comprehend, let alone actually feel.

I see the same sadness inside of Harry. And Regulus. It's the kind of feeling that's born from turmoil so great and inconceivable that there are no words to adequately describe it anywhere but inside your own head.

"But he did tell you to enter?" I prod, trying to keep my expression impassive. I don't think I quite manage it.

"No." Cedric says. He clenches and tics with barely retrained frustration. "He just assumed that I would."

"And you didn't correct him." I say, releasing a breathe that sounds harsher than a sigh.

"I didn't know how to." Cedric admits. He's disappointed in himself. Furious with himself even. I can hear it in his voice. He looks directly at me then, and for a moment it feels like I've locked eyes with a stranger. I've never seen Cedric look this bitter before. "I've let you down." He says so quietly that I almost don't catch it.

"Yeah. Well." I say, forcing myself to hide how afraid I really am at the idea of Cedric purposely putting himself in harms way. I fix a smile on my face that feels impossibly fake and try to cover my disquiet by backing away whilst saying weird stuff. "You know what they say, Cedric, if you live by the sword then...you...uh...eat by the sword...and...sleep by the sword...and...um...dig a little hole next to the sword so that you can take a shi-"

"Dray, please-" Cedric tries to stop me from pulling away from him, both mentally and physically, but I can't stand here anymore. It hurts too much. I'm not brave enough to face this. I'll never be brave _enough_.

I turn away from Cedric and sprint out of the great hall. I don't look back. It feels like I'm running away from more than just my fight with Cedric. I'm running from Harry too. I'm running from the two people in this world who might have the power to break me.

I don't plan on giving either of them that chance.

...

"I am gonna kick his arse." Kasper announces the second I'm finished telling him what happened after he left the great hall.

"Whose? Potter's or Cedric's?" Hermione asks, giving Kasper an indulgent smile.

Kasper bares his teeth at her in a wolfish smile of his own. His smile looks decidedly more frightening.

"Both." He says decisively. "But my brother is getting his arse kicked first for the unforgivable sin of being a daddy pleasing twatwaffle."

I wish I could find it in myself to laugh, but I feel too shitty. Plus Kasper would know I was forcing it and that would piss him off even more. He's already pretty pissed. As my best friend and pseudo brother, Kasper has always taken it upon himself to protect and defend me. I don't think it's because Kasper sees me as weaker than him. He just doesn't know how else to fully express how important I am to him.

Kasper is a fighter. Always has been. Probably always will be. Just like his mother. In fact it's usually Kasper who worries me more than Cedric. Cedric is the sensible, stable, dependable Diggory brother. Kasper is more often than not the unpredictable loose cannon. But I love them both, and I count on them to be there for me. Just in different ways.

This time though...this time my trust in Cedric has been shaken. I know that's probably not fair. It's Cedric's life after all, he has the right to do whatever he wants with it. I can't, and never would, try to force him into something, or attempt to stop him from doing something that would make him happy.

Even so, I'm struggling to accept the risk he's taken. Which is dumb. He's already entered the tournament. There's nothing I can do about that part now.

"Don't start a fight with Cedric over this, Kas." I say tiredly. "What's done is done."

After I made my dramatic escape from the great hall, I went in search of my friends. I found Hermione and Kasper first, who were both sitting together down by the lake. I thought about leaving them alone, since they looked like they were about two seconds away from snogging each other. But Kasper caught sight of me before I could make myself scarce and he waved me over.

"Fine." Kasper bites out. "If you don't want to make a thing out of it then I won't bash my stupid brother's face into a wall. Or curse him." Kasper scowls and adds, "But he's still a twatwaffle."

I share an amused glance with Hermione.

"I appreciate the restraint, Kas."

"How about that whole thing with Harry?" Hermione asks me. "Are you going to be ok still being friends with him?" She is clearly trying to steer the topic of conversation away from Cedric, which I appreciate.

I shrug one shoulder.

"I don't have much choice."

"True." Hermione agrees. "But at least now you know where you both stand."

"Yeah, there is that." I say dispassionately.

Kasper snorts belligerently.

"Fuck that noise." He says. "You two trying to mates will just be awkward."

I frown at him.

"What? You've been going out with Cho on and off for ages, and you two are still friends."

Kasper throws me a look that borders on incredulous.

"Dray, Cho and I have known each other since we were five years old. There's way too much history between us just to cut one another out, even if we wanted to. Plus, we're both friends with you and Terry. And our families are really close. Cho couldn't escape spending time with me unless she made a break for it to go live anonymously in Australia and refused to ever come home for any holidays."

My frown deepens as I consider all of that.

"I never thought about it in that way before. Do you feel...trapped by how close we all are?" I ask Kasper, concerned that I might have missed something this important.

Kasper shakes his head.

"Nah, mate. I love our weird, extended, family. It'd drive me mad just having Cedric and Dad around all the time. But," Kasper hesitates before continuing, "I think maybe Cho feels like she can't get away from me sometimes. Like, we're friends, good friends, of course we are after all these years. But having your ex be part of your family makes things kind of...difficult."

"Do you think that's why you two kept getting back together?" Hermione asks. "Because it was easier to be together than to be exes who hang out with each other all the time."

Kasper's eyes widen slightly, as if he had never considered that idea before.

"Possibly." Kasper says. "But I think we're over for good this time. Cho seems pretty adamant about it, and I..." Kasper trails off to look pointedly at Hermione. She notices and blushes instantly.

I make a mental note to talk to Cho about all of this later. She's been acting a bit strangely around Kasper lately and now I think I understand why. If she's trying to put some real distance between them then it would make sense that she hasn't been as friendly towards him as she usually is.

I just hope Kasper is right that Cho is as ok about their permanent break up as he is.

I spend the next however long reading through my notes for Charms and trying to pretend that I can't see Hermione and Kasper gazing into each others eyes only a few feet away. When they actually start kissing I slowly inch away from them like I'm attempting to not set off a bomb in my pants.

Luckily I'm saved from my own awkwardness by Terry, Cho, Micah, Webster and Sam who all come trailing down from the courtyard to join us next to the lake.

When they get close enough Webster immediately begins catcalling Hermione and Kasper. Hermione pushes away from Kasper almost violently, looking thoroughly embarrassed. Kasper just flashes one of his patent 'I don't give a single solitary fuck' grins and lays down on the grass. Webster follows suit, laying himself out beside Kasper. The two of them start arguing over if a certain cloud looks like a duck or a rabbit.

Micah moves to sit down next to Hermione and draws her into a conversation about this week's Transfiguration homework.

Cho's expression expression visibly tightens when she sees Hermione and Kasper kissing, but she hides her discontent very quickly. Cho sits down next to me and Terry drops down on my other side. Sam helps to distract Cho by asking her questions about something he read in Hogwarts, A History last night. I think Sam is the only non-Hogwarts student who would ever spend their free time reading something as tedious as Hogwarts, A History for fun.

"Hey Coco." Terry says, sounding frighteningly congenial. "There's a rumour going around that you bitch slapped Cedric and then pranced out of the great hall crying."

I turn to gape at him.

"What?" I screech. "I did not bitch slap Cedric. Or cry. That rumour is total crap."

Terry nods, like he expected my answer.

"I knew it was bollocks. I heard some Gryffindor buttheads talking about it. I was buying the story until they said the bit about you prancing. Then I knew it was rubbish. You're not graceful enough to prance anywhere. And you're definitely not coordinated enough to run away and cry at the same time without falling over."

I narrow my eyes at Terry.

"Thanks Boots." I say drolly. "You know me so well."

Terry just grins at me, pretending not to pick up on the sarcasm because he knows that'll annoy me even more.

I raise my head to focus on him properly.

I have to run a hand through my hair to push back my fringe because I've let it grow too long. It keeps falling into my eyes. This morning Regulus accused me of turning into a Indie band hipster reject. Arse. To be fair though, my hair does look ridiculous when it gets to a certain length. I usually keep it cut short on the back and sides, but longer at the front. If I let my fringe grow down to my nose I end up looking like a shetland pony.

"What did happen then?" Terry asks. And this time he looks a bit more serious, and concerned. Terry's rare show of disquiet gets the attention of my other friends.

I take a deep breathe and give them all a run down of what happened in the great hall. By the time I'm finished the story my friends are all staring at me with a mixture of expressions. Most are sympathetic. Some angry. Sam, however, looks more curious than anything else. Then again, that seems to be his default setting.

"What'd you reckon Astrid's secret is?" Terry asks, scowling a bit more viciously than I would like.

"Whatever it is, it's none of my business." I say firmly. "It's not anyone's business besides hers and whoever she decides to share it with."

"Is that your not-so-subtle way of telling us we're not allowed to go all Sherlock on this thing?" Micah asks.

"Yeah." I say. "That's exactly what I'm telling you. I probably shouldn't have even told you as much as I have. Can we all just agree to let it go?"

There's a lot of grumbling amongst the ranks, but eventually I get nods and grunts of acknowledgement from everyone.

"Good." I say, satisfied.

A three minute silence and then,

"I bet she's a werewolf." Terry says earnestly.

"Terry!" I scold.

"What would that have to do with Potter being her boyfriend? And she's not shown any signs of being a werewolf so far anyway." Cho argues.

"To be fair, we haven't exactly been looking for werewolf signs." Micah ventures.

"We should probably start paying more attention then." Kasper says. "Just to make sure."

"We could keep a log of our findings and compile evidence." Hermione says, looking disturbingly serious about it.

"That sounds like a good idea." Sam says thoughtfully. "We can all take our own notes then get together for weekly meetings to share and confer."

"Awesome." Webster says, grinning broadly. "I'll bring biscuits. And fire whiskey. For the meeting. And stuff."

I try to protest but my friends just ignore me and begin to enthusiastically discuss their plan to spy on Astrid.

I bring my knees up and hide my face in them with a groan.

Nothing about this can end well. And I just know that at least one of us is going to end up getting expelled for being caught hanging upsidown from the roof with night vision goggles or some shit.

Merlin, save me.

* * *

 ** _Special shout out to-gaywhovian93,piglett,Daygon Yuuki,KeegSlytherin,verified sanctuary and the Guests who took the time to review-YOU ARE AMAZING, THANK YOU SO MUCH! MY SPECIAL LITTLE UNICORN SPARKLES OF CHEWY MARSHMALLOWY GOODNESS AND STUFF! XOXOX_**

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 ** _Thank you to everyone for reading!_**


	15. Dawn Of The Death Tournament

**_I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER OR ANYTHING CREATED BY JK ROWLING. But in an alternative universe I do, so that's something. I think that alternative universe is right next to the one where I'm the King of the mouse people and wear nothing but capes all the time._**

* * *

 **Please read A/N below after this chapter!**

Chapter fifteen: Dawn Of The Death Tournament

"You look like one of those sad kitten memes." Regulus says. "Except weirder. And not as cute."

I will myself to glare at him. Or thump him one on his baby toe. But I just can't find the energy. I'm too preoccupied worrying about the tournament ceremony going on in the great hall right now. I know that I should be in there with my friends, but I think my heart might explode if I have to actually watch Cedric get chosen. I have no doubt that he will be. Cedric is the perfect candidate.

It makes me a coward, I know, but I slipped away from the hall before the ceremony could begin and went to suffer in my angst alone. I climbed to the top of the Astronomy tower to hide because I felt like having one of those _'no one has ever been as sad as I am right now'_ teenage moments.

Unfortunately it seems like Regulus knows me a little bit too well. Which is obviously horrifying all by itself.

Regulus sits down next to me on the balcony, leaving a small amount of space between our hunched forms. I look over at Regulus. He's got a serious, somewhat grave, expression on his face. He's looking up at the sky like it's done something to personally offend him.

I've always thought, with the exception of our identical grey eyes, that Regulus and I don't look much alike. I've never even seen a picture of my own parents, so I don't know for sure if I take after them. Regulus once said that I have the smirk of a Malfoy and the glare of a Black, but that's the only time I can remember him comparing me to my parents in terms of physicality.

Regulus rarely brought up his life before Colbie and Nana Mars when I was growing up. I think it was too hard for him to think about everything that happened, not just during the war, but every single missed chance and bad choice that led up to it as well. Regulus told me that he has more regrets than he knows what to do with. Or how to live with sometimes. I know he doesn't want me to feel the same way, which is why he was so insistent on teaching me how to protect myself.

Looking at Regulus now though, I think maybe we share some physical traits. We have the same almost sharp, aristocratic, facial features. Our skin is similarly pale. Regulus' hair is black whereas mine is almost white, but if I let my hair grow to a certain length it curls over my ears just like Regulus' does. Kasper has said before that you can definitely tell that Regulus and I are related when we pout. Or whinge. Except that isn't relevant because I never do that, so Kasper can just go sit on a wand and spin on it.

"Why are you here bugging me instead of sitting in the hall bugging other people?" I complain.

Regulus's scowl loosens and his mouth twitches up into a small smile. He reaches over to wipe a hand down over my face. I make an inhuman pigeon sound and bat at his arm.

"Get off, you inappropriate waste of oxygen!" I shout into his face when Regulus scoots close to me and wraps me in an octopus hug.

"I thought I'd come and spend some time with my favourite pretend-son." Regulus coos in my ear.

I try to escape the clingy arms and legs that are twinned around me.

"You mean kidnap victim." I spit viciously.

Regulus sighs and just hugs me harder.

"I know you've grown to love me-"

I scoff.

"There's a psychological term for that-"

"-and I have grown to tolerate your existence in my life as well."

"- _Stockholm syndrome_."

I do battle with Regulus for the next few minutes, both of us flailing around on the balcony and screeching at each other. I'd like to say that I won our fight with dignity through sheer cleverness. But that would be a lie.

Regulus shoots me a baleful glare from his curled up position on the floor.

"I can't believe you bit me." He rubs at his arm where my toothmarks are still visible. " _Again_."

I bring my knees up to my chest and nudge Regulus's shoulder.

"I only ever do what you deserve."

"You're too mopey to sound that smug." Regulus mutters.

"I am not mopey." I say, which is a total lie because I am feeling very mope-worthy right now.

"Ok you little liar." Regulus says, poking my arm. "If you're not up here moping about Cedric then why aren't you with your friends in the hall?"

I flick his poking finger. Regulus snatches his hand away and curls it against his chest protectively. Because he's a massive baby and a half.

"I just wanted some time _alone_." I stress the word 'alone' and stare at Regulus meaningfully.

Regulus ignores the pointed look and goes on undaunted and annoying as always.

"Draco, you spent years wanting to be at Hogwarts with your mates. I know how much it hurt to be left behind in Colbie. I kept you at home to protect you, and now I've let you come to school so you can actually enjoy being a young wizard, surrounded by magic and your friends." Regulus sits up and touches my shoulder gently. "I don't want you to throw away good moments with people who care about you because you're afraid of caring too much."

I blink stupidly at Regulus, uncomprehending. Is that what I'm doing? Hiding away up here because I'm scared of how much Cedric means to me? Yeah, probably. But knowing that doesn't take the fear away.

"Cedric is my friend. He's family." I say. "The thought of him being hurt because of some stupid tournament makes me feel like I'm gonna throw up. I hate it."

Regulus looks at me with an expression on his face that I can't read. I would call it disbelieving, but I don't know what Regulus thinks I could be lying about.

"You're assuming that everything is gonna go to shit." Regulus says knowingly. "I get that, Draco. I spent most of my childhood waiting for the other shoe to drop and crush me. I pushed away the people who cared about me, like my brother, because I thought they made me weak. And I was right. Because loving someone is the scariest thing there is. Loving someone is you choosing to put everything on the line. It means having so much more to lose."

Regulus wraps an arm around my shoulders, and this time I let him pull me in close. He tugs gently on my ear like he used to do when I was little and scared of nightmares I didn't understand. That one small gesture reassures me in a way that any amount of words would never be able to.

I lock eyes with my guardian-brother-cousin-father.

"You're braver than me, Draco." Regulus says. He looks proud of that fact, but also sad, like he isn't sure if it's actually a good thing or not.

"Being brave is overrated." I say. I press my forehead against Regulus's arm. "If you were braver then you might not have run away with me after the war and we wouldn't have met Nana Mars. I wouldn't have grown up in Colbie with Kasper, Cedric, Cho and Terry. We wouldn't have our family."

There's no other life I want than the one I have because of what Regulus did the night my parents died. That's probably wrong, I should want my parents more than anyone else. But all I know is the family I've got. And I love them. I love them in all their insanely mentaltastic glory. Even when they infuriate me, I still wouldn't trade them for anyone else, or for any other life than the one I'm living now.

"I just don't want you to be afraid of being close to someone because there's a possibility that you might lose them." Regulus says. He squeezes me tightly against his side. "You're the most important person in my life. You have been since the moment I held you for the first time-"

"You said the first time you held me I threw up on your hair." I interrupt.

Regulus makes a disgruntled sound.

"Yeah, you did, it was gross. You were gross. Babies are gross. Especially you though, because you peed on me as well."

"I clearly had good taste in people even back then." I say smugly.

Regulus ignores me and goes on with his original rambling. Dear Merlin, save us all.

Regulus's face hardens and his eyes become storm clouds, making him look less like the idiot I've known all my life and more like a man who chose to take the dark mark when he was only nineteen years old.

"I used to be terrified of fucking you up." Regulus says darkly. "I told myself I had to do right by you-"

I snort, interrupting him again.

"Please tell me you haven't been _toning down_ the crazy all this time. Because I will not believe you."

Regulus flicks me on the nose, the anger and pain in his eyes slowly fading away.

"Hush, anti-son, I am attempting to fill your pitiful existence with my wisdom. Stop ruining it."

"I can't ruin what doesn't exist." I huff, slapping at his hand.

"I'm trying to be a good pretend-father here." Regulus grumbles. "And you're making it very difficult." He puffs out an exaggerated sigh and goes whinging on, "I don't even know why people have children on purpose. All you ever get in return for your love and constant support is slammed doors, 'ihateyou's, and snark."

"Well you should have thought about that before you abducted me then." I say. "And I've never slammed any doors. That was always you. Remember, Nana Mars took your door away. She hid it in the attic because you never go up there."

"Of course I don't! There are fucking _dolls_ up there." Regulus shrieks. "Hundreds, thousands, _millions_ of dolls, and they all stare _directly into my soul_. They know my darkest fears, and I refuse to be murdered by an army of dolls. I simply _refuse_ to go out like that."

There are, like, _maybe_ ten dolls up there, but whatever. Regulus won't set foot in the attic ever since The Doll Incident.

'The Doll Incident' happened when I was about seven years old. I woke up in the middle of the night during a particularly monstrous storm. I was frightened so I went looking for Nana Mars.

I tiptoed out into the hallway and caught Nana Mars sneaking down from the attic. She was holding three dolls. When Nana Mars saw me she handed over one of the dolls and told me her plan.

We placed the dolls at the bottom of Regulus' bed. Then we hid in Regulus' wardrobe and waited. As Nana Mars predicted, Regulus woke up after a very loud bout of thunder. When he sat up and opened his eyes all he saw was three dolls staring at him in the darkness, the doll's faces lit only by the lightning slashing through the sky outside.

I'd never heard Regulus scream quite that hysterically before. Which, considering it's Regulus we're talking about here, should really say something about just how hysterical it was.

Ever since that night Regulus adamantly refuses to go up to the attic. He even hisses at the door to the attic when he walks past it sometimes. Because he is a lunatic. I was raised by a lunatic. It is a bonafied miracle that I turned out even half as normal as I am.

I puff out a breathe and lean back to flash Regulus a genuine smile.

"I'm really glad you're the psychopath who kidnapped me." I tell him.

Regulus blinks a bit in surprise, but he smiles back at me fondly.

"Me too."

I watch Regulus in contemplation for a moment. There's something I've been wanting to ask him, but there's never been a good time until now. I'm still not sure if I should leave it alone or not. Curiosity wins out in the end and I ask hesitantly,

"Is it weird for you, seeing Headmaster Hoshi after all this time?"

I see a flash of something undefinable cross over Regulus's face. But it passes too quickly for me to be sure how Regulus actually feels about the question.

"Yes. And no." Regulus says, his tone deceptively light. "I was so young when we-"

Regulus breaks off and closes his eyes tightly shut, as if warding off unwanted thoughts, and even more unwanted feelings.

"Did you love him?" I ask, watching Regulus' face carefully.

Regulus smiles, but it's a bitter, sad smile that makes my chest feel tight to see on my guardian's face.

"Look, Draco, love can be wonderful, and it can also be horrific, especially when you're young." He looks me dead in the eye and says with uncharacteristic softness, "Do me a favour, ok...don't be afraid to feel vulnerable with someone who you know cares about you. Don't let a boy you love walk away because you're too scared to show them the parts of yourself that you think no one wants to see."

I let that sink in, making the obvious link between Regulus' request and what must have happened all those years ago, back when Regulus was a lonely, confused teenage wizard.

"Alright," I say decisively. Regulus looks somewhat relieved until I add, "I'll promise to do that, but only if you promise to do something for me?"

Regulus narrows his eyes at me and huffs,

"Are you extorting me right now, you sneaky elf? Am I actually being emotionally manipulated by a fourteen year old blond child?"

"Yes." I say unapologetically.

Regulus crosses his arms, his bottom lip sticking out in a pout.

"I can't believe I'm being extorted by my own fake son. Is it my fault you've turned out this way? Where did I go wrong with raising you? Am I a terrible guardian?"

I answer all of his questions in quick succession,

"Yes. Your entire parenting technique consists of mocking me, teaching me deadly spells, and setting an example that I can only assume is meant to be some kind of psychological trick to make me behave the exact opposite of you and therefore become a semi-normal human being. And yes again. You are terrible. In every possible way. All the time."

Regulus gasps dramatically and clutches at his non-existent pearls.

"Who taught you to be so mean?"

Without hesitation I reply,

"The comments section of Youtube."

Regulus clenches his hands into fists, raises them into the air and shakes them at the sky.

"MERLIN AND MORGANA DAMN THE NET! DAMN THE NET FOR CORUPTING MY UGLY LITTLE ELF SON!"

"The net? The _net_?" I squeak. "How old _are_ you?"

Regulus sniffs.

"I am a youthful flower."

"More like a deranged cactus." I mutter. "And I am not ugly."

Regulus waves one hand dismissively and says,

"I meant ugly in a nice way, _God_ , you are so sensitive."

I pin him with my best glare and hiss,

"I hope all of your dreams crumble and die."

Regulus laughs mockingly.

"Jokes on you, I don't have any dreams." He seems so proud of that for some, probably stupid, reason.

"Why, do you think you're too old? Because old people can have dreams. I mean, it's too late for you of course, but that's for entirely different reasons." I say.

"I am not _old_!" Regulus snaps indignantly. "I have been informed that I could still pass for a Hogwarts student, thank you very much. The people have spoken."

"What people? Who told you that?" I ask. "Because whoever it was, they lied."

Regulus slumps defeatedly and holds his hands up in surrender.

"Oh for fucks sake, go on then, you evil little nerd, what is it you want from me?"

I arch an eyebrow at Regulus, but decide to let it go just this once. But only because he's sitting there looking all pathetic and blah.

"I want you to promise that you'll talk to this Octavius bloke. I mean, like, normally." I say, then consider that scenario and immediately add, "Don't shout in his face, or sit on him or...lick his nose like you did with that ice cream man that one time-"

Regulus starts shrieking about nonsense again.

"He had ice cream on his _nose_ and he was _holding two ice creams_ so he couldn't wipe it away! I was _helping_!"

I snort in the face of that utter ridiculousness.

"You licked a stranger's nose. That is not 'helping', that is 'demented'. Licking a stranger's nose will never, could never, and shall never be considered, by any sane society, 'helping'."

Regulus huffs again and gives me a mulish look.

"Fine. I'll talk to Octavius."

"Like a normal person." I say to him slowly, like I'm talking to an idiot. Because I am.

Regulus glares at me.

"I'm always normal."

I almost choke on the absurdity of that statement and I'm not even the one who said it.

"You are a sad, strange little man, and you have my pity." I say.

Regulus gives my arm a swift poke.

"Don't sass me with Pixar you little shit."

"Fine." I say, making a frustrated sound. "You don't have to be normal, just, like...be yourself...but...you know...maybe don't throw any more stuff at his face."

"I haven't thrown anything at his face." Regulus says grumpily.

I start ticking things off on my fingers.

"Ok, how about the megaphone you chucked at him during the welcoming feast when the Asian students tried to murder me with a dolphin firework, and the shoe you threw at him after the feast because he insulted your hair or some shit, and the time you threw that ink pot and that small cauldron at him when he came in during our Potions class, and how about the plastic toy duck you lobbed at him during breakfast because-"

"Alright!" Regulus shouts. "It's not my fault though. That man angers me."

"You can't hit people with things just because they piss you off." I say. "It's rude and unethical and shit."

"What moron taught you that?" Regulus asks unhappily.

"You." I say.

Regulus looks at me in disbelief.

" _Really_?" He asks with the correct amount of scepticism.

"No." I say. "It was Barney."

" _Fuck_ Barney." Regulus says, sounding far too jilted considering the levity of our conversation. Although calling what we're doing right now an actual _conversation_ is pushing it a bit.

"You wish." I say. "Barney is way out of your league."

"Barney is a big purple dinosaur." Regulus argues.

"Yes." I say simply.

"How is a big purple dinosaur out of my league?" Regulus asks, appearing genuinely affronted. Which is so beyond stupid that I can't even begin to quantify it.

"The fact that you don't know should be answer enough." I say with finality.

Regulus doesn't look happy. Luckily, I don't care about his dating a fake dinosaur insecurities. Because that would be insane.

We lapse into silence then, which is kind of unheard of for us. We are not usually the strong and silent types. Regulus and I lean more toward flailing and shrieky. I don't mind it though. Just being able to sit with Regulus and watch the stars burn above us. It reminds me of many times when Regulus and I sat on Colbie beach at night, sharing the same patchwork blanket that Nana Mars knitted for us. The blanket is in the shape of a teacup.

Nana Mars took me into the city for my birthday to watch Beauty and the Beast at the Hippodrome when I was seven and she was inspired by what she called the 'gay little cup'.

All the way home Regulus and Nana Mars argued over whether a teacup could _actually_ be considered gay. Nana Mars said she got gay vibes from the teacup. Regulus said that teacups don't have sexualities. Nana Mars called Regulus a cupaphobe and the whole thing just went downhill from there. Regulus ended up in the shed again.

During their entire argument I just sat in the back of the car playing with the sparkly light up wand that I bullied Regulus into getting for me at the Hippodrome. It was a great birthday.

I went to the Hippodrome again with Kasper, Terry and Cho for Cho's eighth birthday. We watched a pantomime of Peter Pan. Jian bought us all big flashing glow sticks. Kasper and Terry did battle with theirs on the way out and fell down the red carpeted stairs together. Cho and I stood off in the corner eating Maltesers from a family sized bag and watched the aftershow of Kasper and Terry beating each other with sticks and then enduring a mutual strop when their sticks were taken away by 'the fun police' i.e parents.

Unfortunately our moment of peace on the Astronomy tower lasts exactly five minutes before loud stomping and yelling breaks through the bubble of calm that we created. The very recognisable noise is coming from the stairs behind us. I'm not even a little bit surprised when my mob of friends appear and swarm around me and Regulus in record time.

Kasper plonks himself down on my left and shoves at my shoulder. I turn to roll my eyes at him.

"What are you doing here?" I ask.

Kasper gives me a look like he thinks I'm a bit dense.

"You didn't show up to the ceremonial ritual sacrifice, so we had no choice but to gather a search party."

"Yeah." Terry says from his place on Kasper's other side. "We weren't too worried until we realised that Regulus had disappeared as well."

"We thought maybe you were plotting together." Webster says. He's sitting in Micah's lap looking rather pleased with himself. Micah seems quite happy as well with Webster sitting on him. I notice against my will that Micah and Webster's uniforms are creased and haphazardly put on, and their hair is sticking up all over the place, and their mouths look suspiciously red and used. Webster said something yesterday about finding the perfect place to mess around with a certain attractive deaf wizard. I really do not want to have my theories confirmed because they are my friends and I don't want to imagine them blowing each other in a stationary cupboard.

"Which obviously concerned us all greatly." Cho says. "Because when you and Regulus plot, things usually end up exploding."

"Or get set on fire." Terry says.

"Or bees are somehow transfigured into buzzing pieces of cutlery." Kasper says, smirking.

I huff at them all.

"That was one time and I did it to save Cho from being attacked. I was heroic and powerful. The bees now fear my wrath." I make a fist and shake it up at the sky just like Regulus did earlier.

"Yes, clearly you are the mightiest of heroes." Cho says dryly.

Kasper flicks at my fringe.

"A mighty hero who is hiding up here like a stroppy emo instead of helping the rest of us gather data on your love rival."

I glare at him and raise a hand, waving it in his face.

"One, I am a BAMFW and you all know it. Two, by 'gathering data', I think you mean _stalking_. Three, Astrid is _not_ my love rival. Four, you're annoying and your existence bothers me. A lot."

Kasper just winks at me. He is so bloody infuriating.

"So, what are you guys plotting about up here anyway?" Hermione asks earnestly. She's sitting next to Regulus with Sam on her other side. I don't even know how we're all fitting on this tiny as fuck balcony. Magic?

"We aren't plotting-" I try to argue, but Regulus cuts me off like the traitor he is.

"I was just giving my little elf-son some grand and underserved advice." Regulus says dramatically. "As you all know, I am a grown up, and therefore my pool of knowledge is vast and unquestionable."

"Oh yes, of course." All of my friends chorus, sneaking me amused glances.

"Was it romantic advice?" Cho asks curiously.

"It wasn't _sexual_ advice was it?" Kasper asks, looking equally intrigued and disturbed by the prospect.

"Either way," Terry says, "Drake definitely needs some help. He's rubbish at romance and sex stuff. I mean, he's in wuv with a hopeless case already."

"Go straight to hell and eat a sock, Boots." I hiss at him.

Terry stares at me for a full ten seconds, and then bursts out laughing.

"That made no sense and I loved it!"

I growl angrily and bash my head against Kasper's shoulder.

"Look," I say, letting out a frustrated breath, "I'm only going to say this once, so all of you weirdoes shut up and listen. I came up here as a silent protest against the tournament on the grounds that its stupid and dangerous and something that only the truly insane would think is a good idea. I am not moping about The Boy Who Will Not Be Named. I've never moped in my entire life and I never will because I am not a sad cartoon lion. All I want to do is sit up here in peace and tranquillity because I am a peaceful and tranquil person. In fact I'm so peace-loving that I regularly lament on the fact that if I could wish for anything I would wish for world peace and I don't even expect a crown out of it even though that would be epic because I would so completely rock a tiara like a mothereffin' boss. I bet the winner of the tournament of death doesn't even get a tiara, they just get a stupid cup and the cup is probably too big to wear on your head unless you had a giant head which would be sad. But I think if you had an abnormally large head then you would have bigger problems than worrying about a stupid death tournament. So you know what, fuck the death tournament and its prejudice against large headed people and its lack of champion tiara because if I was going to risk my life in a fucking suicidal school sports day then I would at least want to get a sodding tiara out of it!"

I take a breathe and close my eyes tightly shut. I can feel all of my friends staring at me, but I don't care because I'm too busy being so fucking peaceful over here.

Then a voice I don't recognise says,

"Holy biscuit, what _was_ that?"

I open one eye and I look in the direction of the new voice. A boy I've only seen a couple of times before lifts a hand and waves at me from his spot on the far side of the balcony. I wave back. Slowly.

I stare at Kaito Hoshi and say to my friends,

"Why is there a new person here? Who invited the stranger? You know we have rules about new people. We don't invite them to my mental breakdowns anymore. It scares the normals too much."

"My name is Kaito." Kaito says, grinning at me like a weirdo. Oh for fucks sake, not another one.

"I was talking to Kaito when we realised you had disappeared." Cho says reasonably. "Then he insisted on coming with us to find you." She darts a glance at Kaito who catches her eye and winks devilishly. Cho flushes, her cheeks reddening, and she's unable to hide her grin. Kaito Hoshi is tall, lithe and has a wickedly handsome face paired with spiked black hair and richly dark eyes. Of course Cho would hit it off with the fit and famous Quidditch player.

"You're Octavius' nephew." Regulus says guardedly, looking at Kaito suspiciously.

Kaito nods in acknowledgement and grins again, pointing at Regulus.

"And you're the quirky English Professor who keeps throwing things at my Uncle."

"Perfect description of Regulus." Kasper says, nodding, clearly trying not to laugh.

"No it isn't." I say. "Unless quirky English professor is code for _'weird and dangerous, beware, do not feed_ '."

Regulus lets out a displeased squawk. We all ignore him.

"He's your Uncle's ex-boyfriend too." Terry says helpfully.

"Yeah, your Uncle dumped Regulus because he had rubbish hair." Webster says, just to be an arsehole.

Kaito frowns in confusion and says to Regulus,

"My Uncle told me _you_ broke up with _him_ because you decided to join a gothic cult with magic tattoos and shit instead of going travelling in Asia together like you both planned."

Dun, dun, dun!

After a stunned silence Regulus says with all the dignity of a deranged chicken,

"That is not what happened."

"Yeah." Kaito goes on, seemingly oblivious to the bomb he's just dropped on us all. "Uncle Octavius said that you fell in love with this really creepy guy who made you wear a mask and get a skull tattoo and call him something kinky like 'master' or 'lord' and-."

"I did not fall in love with Voldemort!" Regulus snarls indignantly.

"Oh my god, though. That's fucking hilarious." Terry says, already doubled over with laughter. The rest of my friends aren't faring much better if the smirks and snorting are anything to go by.

"Isn't Voldemort the name of that dark wizard who wanted to kill muggle-borns and create a master race of purebloods?" Kaito says, looking a bit puzzled now.

"Yes," Sam says, getting that earnestly curious look on his face again, "Did they teach you about Voldemort at your school?"

Kaito shakes his head and shrugs.

"Not really. I only know stuff about him because Uncle Octavius told me some stories." Kaito looks at Regulus. "But he never said Professor Black was one of his followers. I'm such an idiot, I can't believe I didn't make the connection."

"We learned about Voldemort in third year as part of our History of magic studies." Sam supplies thoughtfully. "Our history professor didn't tell us much though. I had to pull some books from our international library to find out more before I came here."

"Why would you want to research things about Voldemort?" Cho asks, making a face.

Sam doesn't seem to understand the question, but he answers it anyway.

"It seemed culturally significant, and a very important part of the UK's recent history. And I like to know things. Especially when I'm travelling half way around the world to the very place where Voldemort was once educated."

"That makes sense." Hermione says, nodding. "I'd probably do the same if I ever went to America. I actually read one of your history books the other day and I wanted to ask you, is it true that the founder of Ilvermorny, Isolt Sayre, was a descendant of Salazar Slytherin?"

Sam nods like a professor about to begin a lecture.

"Apparently she was also a descendant of the infamous Irish witch 'Morrigan'. Both her parents were from completely Pureblood lines." Sam says.

Hermione's eyes are alight with intrigue now.

"It was her aunt, Gormlaith Gaunt, who raised her though, right?" She asks.

Sam looks pleased and nods again. Oh fuck, Hermione's roused the American nerdism of Sam Winchester. We'll be here for days now. Good, I'd rather learn about Ilvermorny than go back into the great hall anyway.

"According to our history books Gormlaith Gaunt was a crazy pureblood fanatic who killed Isolt's parents because they were kind to muggles and-"

Sam is interrupted by a loud grumpy voice from behind us. I turn my head to see Headmaster Hoshi standing at the doorway with his arms crossed over his chest, a severe scowl on his face.

"Oi! What in the name of the almighty smurf-king are you lot _doing_ up here?" Headmaster Hoshi demands hotly. He's very obviously Not Looking At Regulus.

Regulus is also pretending that Headmaster Hoshi isn't standing there pointedly not looking at him. He's glaring at the stars instead. It'd be funny if they weren't both fully grown adults in their thirties. I mean for fucks sake, this kind of shit is only cute when you're twelve. Well, they can forget about me doing any matchmaking nonsense. As far as I'm concerned I've done my part by telling Regulus to just talk to his old boyfriend. If the two of them choose to be stupid about it then that's their business.

"Hi Uncle!" Kaito says, smiling happily at his Uncle. God, he's probably another one of those terminally joyful people. Or he might just be rubbish at picking up on social cues.

"Kaito." Headmaster Hoshi's voice noticeably softens in reaction to his nephew's genuine greeting. "The choosing ceremony is about to begin, nephew. Why aren't you in the hall?"

"Cho needed help finding her friend." Kaito explains honestly. "We found him!" He points in my direction.

I raise my hand and say,

"He did find me."

Kaito bobs his head enthusiastically.

"And then he yelled at me about tiaras and cartoon lions and the suffering of big headed people." Kaito says, like that's a completely ordinary thing to have happen to a person.

I groan internally and slap my forehead in embarrassment. My friends all snicker up a storm, the bastards.

Headmaster Hoshi's dark eyes widen considerably, but he doesn't seem very surprised.

"I wouldn't expect anything less from a member of the Black family." He says, sounding both amused and a bit sad.

"What the bloody hell is that supposed to mean?" Regulus snaps, having now turned a full glare on Headmaster Hoshi that could melt metal.

Headmaster Hoshi is not fazed.

"You know exactly what I mean you rambling lunatic." He says, raising a daring eyebrow at Regulus. "I haven't forgotten our school days even if you have."

Regulus's expression becomes grave and closed off as he replies solemnly,

"I could never forget."

Oh flip, me and my friends really shouldn't be here for whatever underlying argument is taking place right now. I wish we could apparate inside Hogwarts because I'd be willing to give it a try just to escape the awkwardness of this situation.

After a truly epic staring contest, Headmaster Hoshi looks away from Regulus and refocuses on Kaito.

"Come on, nephew, they might pick your name out of the Harmony Goblet. It'd be pretty awkward if they did and you weren't there."

"Oh yeah." I snort. "Merlin forbid he not be there to ceremonially walk to his potential death in front of the entire school."

Regulus knocks me upside the head lightly and huffs,

"Cool it with the snark, you."

"We really should be getting back." Hermione says worriedly. "We weren't exactly subtle when we walked out."

"Well we _tried_ to be." Cho says, rolling her eyes.

"Yeah, but it's pretty hard to sneak eight people out of a brightly lit hall with any level of real stealth. We aren't exactly ninjas." Kasper says.

"Nana Mars woulda argue with that one." Webster says.

Yeah, she probably would. To be honest I'm quite surprised that Nana Mars isn't here with the rest of the Weirdo Brigade.

"How did you convince Nana Mars not to come with you?" I ask.

"She was too busy teaching Professor Flitwick how to dance the macarena." Terry informs me to my complete horror.

" _Why_?" I breathe. Then I realise what I've just invited into my life and I add quickly, "No, don't tell me. I really don't want to know."

"That's probably for the best." Kasper says, reaching over to pat my hand placatingly.

I wave a hand at my friends, choosing the safest option and changing the topic.

"You lot go back to the hall. I'll stay up here to-"

" _Mope_." Kasper coughs non-to-discreetly.

I narrow my eyes at my friend.

"- _think_." I finish with emphasis.

Kasper mouths 'whatever' and smirks in the face of my impending ire. The fool. I will destroy him. Or I'll get Nana Mars to destroy him for me. Yes, definitely the second one. I'll have to bribe her with the singing light up socks she's been angling for since she saw them in John Lewis during out last shopping trip, but I'm willing to deal with the consequences for the sake of vengeance.

"Drake, you aren't staying up here all night." Regulus chastises because he is evil and a traitor and I will push him in a fucking hole. A deep hole.

I glare up at him and try to infuse my voice with as much authority as possible when I say,

"I am not, under any circumstances, going to the great hall to sit there and watch some stupid goblet of bubbles or whatever vomit up bits of paper with the names of idiots on them, no offense Kaito." I cross my arms over my chest. "And there's nothing you can do or say that will change my mind."

Regulus looks around at all of the people gathered around us with assessing eyes before settling his gaze back on me. He clears his throat and says,

"Fine. We'll do this the hard way then."

He. Wouldn't. DARE.

…..

He would.

Have you ever been dragged down fourteen flights of stairs against your will by all of your friends, your guardian, your guardian's ex and your guardian's ex's nephew?

Well if not then you do not know my pain.

"I just want to state, for the record, that I am not pleased about this turn of events." I say to no one in particular.

"Your displeasure is noted." Cho says primly.

"And discarded." Terry adds.

"With extreme prejudice." Kasper finishes.

I huff and scrunch down in my seat at the Ravenclaw table like a pissed off bird sitting in its nest would after having a big glob of snow from a higher branch fall on its head.

I shoot Regulus a discreet glare, but he's too busy giggling with Sirius at the head table to be suitably chastised by the low simmering rage in my eyes.

I look for Nana Mars next, only to find that she's practically sitting in my head of house's lap at this point. Professor Flitwick better watch out or he'll become Nana Mars' next husband, and that would truly terrifying for everyone involved.

Luckily, or unluckily, my band of traitors and I arrived in the great hall just in time for all the food to be taken away and for the choosing ceremony to begin. The Harmony goblet is standing in the middle of the hall still burning white fire.

Dumbledore stands up and makes his way over to his podium to begin speaking. When we all came stumbling into the great hall about five minutes ago Dumbledore looked at us with almost fond amusement, the madman. He made no mention of our obvious absence.

I can see that Headmistress Thermopolis and Headmaster Hoshi are sitting forward eagerly in their seats, waiting for the champions to be announced with obvious excitement.

I've been pointedly not looking in Cedric's direction since I sat down, but I swear I've felt his eyes on me at least half a dozen times. I do, however, allow myself to look over at Harry now that the madness is about to begin. He's sitting with Astoria and Max at the Slytherin table looking uncomfortable, as if he knows something awful is about to happen. Considering all the bad shit that has happened to him before I can't blame him for being cautious about a situation like this. Trouble seems to follow Harry Potter around.

"Well, the goblet is almost ready to make its decision," Dumbledore says cheerfully. "I estimate that it requires one more minute. Now, when the champions' names are called, I would ask them please to come up to the top of the Hall, walk along the staff table, and go through into the next chamber" — he gestures at the door behind the staff table — "where they will be receiving their first instructions."

Dumbledore takes out his wand and waves it around like a crazy orangutan for a bit. Almost instantly all the candles in the hall are extinguished, plunging us into a state of semidarkness.

The Harmony goblet now stands out even more as the main focus point of the room. We all wait with bated breathe to see who the first champion will be.

Suddenly, without warning, the white fire in the goblet turns to blue flame. A moment later a shot of fire bursts out of the goblet, taking with it a piece of slightly burnt paper.

Dumbledore catches the still burning piece of paper and shakes it out to more easily read its content.

"The first champion for Ilvermorny and 'Equality' is Chadwick Boot!" Dumbledore calls in strong, clear voice.

The Ilvermorny students erupt into a loud bout of applause, some catcalling and whistling. They seem pleased with the goblet's first choice.

Chadwick gets up from his seat at the Gryffindor table and makes his way to the front of the room with a definite swagger in his step. He's grinning, flashing perfect white teeth, his handsome face set in a somewhat smug expression.

I resist the urge to roll my eyes. But I still feel a twinge of panic at the thought of Chadwick putting himself in danger with such bravado. He may be a prick sometimes, but he's still family.

Webster scoffs from his side of the table.

"It might be worth our school losing the tournament just to see Chadwick get taken down a few pegs." He says.

I can't not laugh a little at that. Chadwick is the world's worst poor loser. He throws diva fits like a pro. Chadwick and Webster once spent almost an entire summer in Colbie. One day during that summer we were all on the beach playing a relaxed game of rounders, or at least it was relaxed until Chadwick realised his team were more than likely going to lose. He promptly lost his shit and accused the other team of cheating. Since Cedric was the captain of the other team the very suggestion was laughable. Cedric Diggory does not cheat, I mean he's... _Cedric_. Come _on_.

Webster called his brother out on his bullshit and Chadwick stalked off to sulk for the rest of the afternoon with impressive flair. He accused us all of working against him. Like a paranoid sultan.

At the time I said to Webster,

"Is he always so-"

Webster cut me off and a dry,

"Don't even ask, man. Just be grateful you live half a world away from him most of the time."

Webster has told me many times that when he finishes up at Ilvermorny he's planning on attending a college on the opposite side of the country from his brother.

Not long after Chadwick disappears through the door behind the head table the goblet lights up blue again and spits out another piece of parchment.

"The second champion for Ilvermorny and 'Equality' is Dean Winchester!" Dumbledore calls out.

There's another eruption of applause and shouting from the Ilvermorny students. Dean gets up, his vibrantly green eyes alight with excitement, and follows his friend from the great hall. I catch sight of both Sam and Dean's friend Castiel watching Dean leave with worried looks on their faces. They're probably not any happier about someone they care about risking his life than I am.

The goblet flares blue once more and Dumbledore catches the singed bit of paper that escapes from the flames.

"The third and final champion for Ilvermorny and 'Equality' is Katniss Everdeen!"

The Ilvermorny students lose their collective shit again as a tall girl with tightly platted dark brown hair and a very serious expression stands up and heads in the same direction as Dean and Chadwick.

We don't have to wait long for the Harmony goblet to start spitting out names again. The blue flames change to green and another piece of paper is shot out like a tiny comet.

Dumbledore reads out the next name with gusto.

"The first champion for Mahoutokoro and 'Tolerance' is Toph Beifong!"

The students of Mahoutokoro applaud with far more restraint than the Ilvermorny students, but with no less genuine enthusiasm.

Toph Beifong is a small girl with jet black hair pulled away from her face by a green hairband. Her eyes are a milky pale blue. She's also blind, but far from meek or cowed by her lack of eyesight. I saw her take down three far bigger Ilvermorny boys a few days ago in the corridor just as I was leaving the Transfiguration classroom. The boys were meanly taking the piss out of another Mahoutokoro student, a bald boy with large grey eyes and strange arrow tattoos on his head. Toph didn't even break a sweat beating those boys down, and from the smirk she has on her face as she makes her way out of the hall, she is not to be underestimated.

The Harmony goblet flares bright green again and spits out two names at the same time. Dumbledore manages to catch them both and he reads,

"The second and third champion for Mahoutokoro and 'Tolerance' are Kaito Hoshi and Zuko Lee."

The Mahoutokoro students get a bit more animated this time, although their excitement is still far more disciplined than Ilvermorny's was.

Kaito and Zuko both stand up from the same table. Zuko is tall and pale skinned with eyes like two amber flames. He also has a very noticeable burn scar on one side of his face. Zuko appears both intensely determined and strangely hungry for some kind of recognition. It's the same look I've seen on Cedric's face when he's trying really hard not to disappoint his father.

Kaito just looks vaguely pleased with himself. He even glances over at the Ravenclaw table and flashes me a double thumbs up. And because I'm not a heartless tosser I smile back at him. Or at least I hope it's a smile, and not grimace, which would feel more appropriate.

Zuko doesn't spare Kaito or anyone else a single glance before stalking out of the great hall. Kaito follows after him at a more chilled out pace. He turns his head to wink at Cho, who blushes like crazy in response. Yeah, there's definitely a story there that I haven't been told.

Once Zuko and Kaito are both gone its finally time for the Hogwarts champions to be announced. I'm suddenly even more nervous than before and I have to force down the urge to vomit in my own lap. Kasper seems to sense my impending mental break and claps a hand down on my shoulder.

"Keep breathing, Draco." Kasper whispers into my ear. He looks at me with concern and I try to push away the sense of panic building in my gut for his sake.

The Harmony goblet's flames flash red this time and a bit of paper zings out a second later.

All the Hogwarts students lean forward eagerly to hear who has been chosen.

Dumbledore shakes out the bit of paper and announces my worst nightmare,

"The first champion for Hogwarts and 'Freedom' is Cedric Diggory!"

No. No. _No_.

But yes. Oh yes, because of course. Of course the goblet chose Cedric. I knew it would, from the moment Cedric dropped his name into the flames, I _knew_.

My stomach lurches painfully and I have to squeeze my eyes very tightly shut when they start to sting. Tears keep building up behind my eyes no matter how hard I try to calm down. I feel Kasper squeezing my shoulder, trying to offer some comfort or reassurance, as he curses out his brother under his breathe.

I take a deep breathe-keep breathing Draco-and open my eyes slowly. I find Cedric instantly across the hall. He's looking straight at me, an apology plain to see on his face. I try to find it in myself to give Cedric something. A smile, or a mouthed word or...just something other than horrified terror. But I can't. The fear of loss is far too great. He flinches visibly away from whatever he sees when our gazes finally lock.

He turns away in obvious disappointment and leaves the hall without looking back.

Damn. That wasn't fair. I shouldn't be making Cedric feel bad for my own issues, no matter how painful the thought of losing him is. He deserves more understanding than that from me.

I'm thinking so much about Cedric that I barely register the Harmony goblet lighting up with red flames and shooting out two names at the same time again.

Dumbledore clears his throat and reads out the names of the last two Unity tournament champions.

"The second and third champions for Hogwarts and 'Freedom' are...Harry Potter and...Drake Black!"

What?

" ** _WHAT_**?" I hear Regulus and Nana Mars both shout in unison.

Kasper's hand on my shoulder stiffens. I feel more than see all my friends turn to openly gape at me.

No. Seriously. _What?_

Time seems to move in slow motion as I look over at the Slytherin table and find myself staring into the face of a very shocked Harry Potter.

You have _got_ to be shitting me.

* * *

 ** _Special shout out to-demonuke,Anime-King15,click0o,gaywhovian93,KeegSlytherin,Misskymm,Anna Mara and piglet-I cannot even describe accurately with words how epic you all are for reviewing my story. I would awkwardly hug all of you if that were physically possible. Truly. xx_**

 ** _A/N-I've been thinking a lot about writing short stories that are set pre-series within this verse or even just short mini chapters from other pov's in the story. To kick us off, I have a few options, please let me know if you like the sound of any of them:_**

 ** _-The story of how Regulus met Nana Mars and came to live in Colbie with Draco (Regulus' pov)_**

 ** _-A mini story from Cedric's pov. Find out how he feels about his father, his brother, his life in general and maybe even Draco._**

 ** _-A Colbie town meeting (Draco's pov)_**

 ** _-Or if you have any suggestions of what mini story you would like to read about in this verse then PLEASE do let me know._**

 ** _Thank you to everyone for reading and please review!_**


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